Marrieds choosing not to have kids

[maddhatir]

That is what he wore to a Halloween party at the kennel. They said he was too sweet for that hat. That was from a couple of years ago.

OK then, that's acceptable!- I was just hoping you didn't make him wear that in front of his friends for no good reason!

 

[tonilea]

Well, as a defensive mechanism, because I didn't want to answer questions about my infertility, I simply said "If I have a baby, I can't be the baby".

 

[Liisa]

Ok... TOTALLY off-topic. But I'm too excited and had to share. Just over a month ago, I started a program called "the Couch Potato to 5K runner" - just to get in shape for my Mexico trip. I totally have the couch potato part down! Anyway, Dh (the super fitness geek) decided yesterday to sign up for the Disney Marathon in January. Now, I've never been overly supportive about his races before... but, hey, I get a Disney Trip out of this one!!!! As DH and I are online today looking at the race map (totally cool, by the way, they get to run through all the parks before they open!!!)... I noticed that on the Friday before the marathon, Disney has a 5k run (before park opening all around Animal Kingdom). The light bulb goes off and I think - I could do that. It's what I'm training for and I didn't even know it!!! Call DVC, add another night to our reservation, change the airflight, confirm with the housesitter... and I'm ready for my 5k at DISNEY!!!! (well... first I need to get to the point where I can actually run for that far... details, details!!! )

I'm so psyched!!!

 

[KirklandTutu]

Just to share...

Tonight I reconnected with an old friend and *gasp* surprise surprise she doesn't want to have kids either! I nearly jumped out of my seat with joy. At last, someone that I can go out with who isn't trying or already has.

And! she had a circa 1993 Mexican (something event to do with Folklorico) Disneyland event on her purse.

Good times, good times.

 

[ChisJo]

Ok... TOTALLY off-topic. But I'm too excited and had to share. Just over a month ago, I started a program called "the Couch Potato to 5K runner" - just to get in shape for my Mexico trip. I totally have the couch potato part down! Anyway, Dh (the super fitness geek) decided yesterday to sign up for the Disney Marathon in January. Now, I've never been overly supportive about his races before... but, hey, I get a Disney Trip out of this one!!!! As DH and I are online today looking at the race map (totally cool, by the way, they get to run through all the parks before they open!!!)... I noticed that on the Friday before the marathon, Disney has a 5k run (before park opening all around Animal Kingdom). The light bulb goes off and I think - I could do that. It's what I'm training for and I didn't even know it!!! Call DVC, add another night to our reservation, change the airflight, confirm with the housesitter... and I'm ready for my 5k at DISNEY!!!! (well... first I need to get to the point where I can actually run for that far... details, details!!! )

I'm so psyched!!!

Once you get to 5km, you will continue going....I wanted to learn to run just 5 km....now I'm registered for a 10km race in September. I would love to run the Disney Marathon (and yes, the map is really cool....I don't know if I would be able to do the full marathon though!!). My goal is to be in this run in 2009! If you read the race too, the characters are placed throughout the race to be your "cheerleaders" of sort, to give you a pick me up! Along with racing through all the parks before opening, that would be pretty cool!

 

[Liisa]

If you read the race too, the characters are placed throughout the race to be your "cheerleaders" of sort, to give you a pick me up! Along with racing through all the parks before opening, that would be pretty cool!

I had read that... the character appearances should make my first race easier. I'll have pictures from the 5k race - since this is a walk in the park for DH (as I'll be going pretty slow and he'll stay with me), he said he'd bring a camera and snap pictures while we are going along! Those will be some unique pictures to add to my album.

 

[kennancat]

A couple of stories I thought you all would enjoy:

I ended up at Downtown Disney last weekend for dinner. Stupid me, I decide to go for one of the close parking spaces I get there and every spot is full - save one. And that one spot is occupied by a mom who is busy setting up a stroller and getting it perfect You know - I understand why someone wouldn't want to do that behind the car and be hanging out into traffic, but this woman didn't even give the appearance of realizing that she was inconveniencing anyone or of caring if she did realize. My favorite part was at the end when she took an extra 10 seconds to put her purse on top and fiddle with one more handle to lock everything in place. Lovely.

The second happened to a co-worker of mine. She was waiting outside of a conference room for a previous meeting to break up. She ended up chatting with another person waiting outside the room. The other person asks her how the traffic was with dropping her kids off at school (school just started back this week in our county). Well, my co-worker is maybe 26, single, and has no children. And now is completely freaked out about how old she looks that people automatically assume she has kids

 

[LuvsEpcot]

I've been lurking on the thread for a while and find it to be a breath of fresh air to have this topic debated. My DH and I will be celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary in December and I will be 50 tomorrow. I have two daughters now 20 & 25. I didn't think my first decision through very well when I got pregnant the first time. We had friends who got pregnant quite unexpectedly. I was 24 then and wanted the mommy-to-be attention that she was getting (terribly insecure back then), so I "told" my DH that I was going off the pill and wanted to start a family... wrong thing to do. I forgot to ask him if he was ready to be a Dad, he wasn't and it drove a wedge between us for many years. He loves his daughters, but they're not as close as I'd hoped since I was such a Daddy's girl. The problem was that he and I had always talked of traveling and only having "fur babies" Neither of us really wanted children and he felt a great sense of betrayal when I got pregnant. It took us years to open up and talk about the years that we lost together. We were and are great together, best friends, lovers, confidants. If in my parallel life there were no children I know that we would be very happy, like we are now that we are empty-nesters. Hypothetically speaking... If you don't know someone then you don't miss them. I guess that's how I view thinking of what my life would have been like without children. They would not be in existence, therefore I wouldn't know what I would be missing and it wouldn't matter. But in this life I DO know them and they are very much in our lives on a daily basis. They are also declaring that they do not want children and if that is truly what they choose, then it is a decision that I will gladly stand by them. I love my "fur grandbabies" Over the years the girls and I have discussed the many reasons why people have children and have seen plenty that should have used birth control. I work in a childcare program, I see all types of parents and parenting styles. We are with these children for 10 hours a day...who is really raising them?

It is very easy for one to get pregnant (under normal conditions), but it takes courage and honesty with oneself and one's partner to make an educated, well thought out decision to not have children and I applaud you for it.

 

[Muushka]

Wow. I can only say 2 things:

1. Thank you for your honesty and sharing with us your experience and

2. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

 

[dburg30]

I am 32 years old. I have been married since I was 25 (celebrating our 7th anniversary at WDW).

DH and I choose not to have children. I have never wanted to have children. Early in our marriage, people asked questions about kids, and we always said, "We aren't having any. We are happy as we are."

I guess they thought we were bluffing, because the questions have been coming hard and fast.

My usual responses, depending on the questioning:
"No, we are not having children"
"No, we are not planning on having children."
"We don't want to have children - our dogs are enough."
"We don't want children - we are very happy with our life as it is."
"We choose not to have chidren."
"We choose to be child-free."
"We choose not to be parents."
"We want to be good aunts and uncles, and that will satisfy us"

People keep on asking, and they don't find my answers acceptable. They don't feel that my choice is VALID?

It makes me angry, but it also makes me sad. I think a lot of people are having children because it is expected of them, and not what they really want.

Any one want to give their input - I would appreciate it!

We have been very lucky in we dont have the type of family that pressures us on that issue. They know we are happy living our lives how we do. I am very thankful for that. BOTH sides of the family understand. We celebrated 16 years this past June.

 

[bulah1]

It is very easy for one to get pregnant (under normal conditions), but it takes courage and honesty with oneself and one's partner to make an educated, well thought out decision to not have children and I applaud you for it.

Yours is an incredible story of honesty! Thank you so much for sharing it with us. I am sure you are not alone in the choices you've made - I am willing to bet there are many, many who have chosen the same way for the same reasons or similarly. But there are very few who actually probably admit it to themselves like you have done! You are incredible!! And I'm sure the love you have for your children is not diminished at all, but it's the personal marriage relationship that has to pay the price. Luckily yours was strong enough to hold out where many others' would have lost their drive to keep things afloat. And probably the entire family as a whole could have experienced a greater "togetherness" if things had been different in the original pregnancy's circumstances. I totally commend you for keeping everyone together through this time. Heck, some marrieds with no children have a hard enough time keeping their marriages together as it is! LOL. Kudos to you and thanks so much for sharing!! You are absolutely right that many people can go into having children for the WRONG reasons. I hope more of the parents that seems to condemn us "childless" can see things from your vantage.

 

[momomonster]

It is very easy for one to get pregnant (under normal conditions), but it takes courage and honesty with oneself and one's partner to make an educated, well thought out decision to not have children and I applaud you for it.

~Happy Birthday~

Oh, how I wish my MIL thought like you. She pities us for our childfree decision and thinks happiness only comes from having children. The worst part is the topic is so taboo we can't speak openly to convince her otherwise.

There should be more thoughtful people like you on this planet. The world would be a better place.

 

[swim-mom]

I saw this thread and I had to post!!! Just by my name you can tell I have children, the number is not important either.

I have to say that those of who have decided NOT to have children are brave people who deserve the respect for being responsible. Unfortunetly, many people have children because that is what is expected and the children are the ones who suffer.

I know this first hand, because my mother never should have had me. BUT she did because it was expected. If she had the courage and enough respect for herself, she could have stood up for herself.

Therefore, in life we need to respect each other's differances and realize that we are all not meant to be mothers and/or fathers!!!

Thank you for not doing what society expects, and being strong enough to realize what "YOU" need in life.

 

[Hixski]

One thing I have learned from being childfree is that we make great aunts and uncles. We have time for nieces and nephews whereas some with families might not have as much time. We have friends in California and their 2 girls just love us to pieces. They are now 10 and 7. They used to ask us if we were going to have a baby for them to play with. We told them no and was that ok for them. The older one is very sharp. She told us it was ok if we didn't have kids because they loved us just the way we were.

Now if a child can understand that concept why can't some of the adults??

LuvsEpcot: Thanks for sharing your story. I have had a couple of people tell me almost the same story you have. It seems much easier to tell someone who is childfree I think. You won't get the same judgements from us as you might from someone who has children. I have always said that DH and I were fence sitters. Nothing ever happened through the years and we just decided that was ok. It did not take long to realize what side of the fence we really were on.

 

[maddhatir]

LuvsEpcot- Happy 50!!!!

and I think I could have been you if DH and I had kids. We always felt like kids would just put a wedge between us, we enjoyed each other so much (and still do!) that we could not bear the thought that any of our attention would have to be saved for the kids.

I have nieces and nephews and yes!- I love them. Just the other day my BIL was "hinting" around for me to watch one of them......I just said, "sorry" I have things to do.

Sure, it was just my weekly yard saling ritual and I had a afternoon party- but I had plans! He always makes me and DH feel guilty b/c we will not take them- sorry- YOU had the kids- WE were smart enough NOT to! I love the kids with all of my heart- but that does not mean I want to watch them

and swim-mom, thanks for understanding- as you can see (above) just WHY I never wanted kids. Why would I have them and not devote all my time to them? It's not fair to the child.

 

[maddhatir]

Now if a child can understand that concept why can't some of the adults??

That is what is wrong with this world today!!!

I was reading another thread about 2 weeks ago- it was about rude people. Some woman wrote that her 14 year old daughter asked her if people were this rude when she was growing up!

Some adults should be ashamed of themselves!

I think that even goes for the people that are always commenting on the no-kids subject- don't they realize it is rude to make comments like that?

I would love to hear from people that would admit-- they read our thread and are going to stop being so closed minded and understand that not every thinks like them about kids.

~~~~​

I know this it totally OT- but it is about a rude woman me and mom encountered at 7-11 last Saturday morning while getting coffee (before yardsaling....with NO kids )

We are at the coffee station and mom is getting her cup- I look over and this woman, maybe early 30's with a puss on her face and a daughter in tow pushed her way in front of mom to get a cup ewwww! So mom has her cup and comes next to me and pours her coffee, I am watching the witch looking all impatient- mind you, she can easily walk to the other side of the coffee station and the same kind of coffee is over there. So I am watching, mom moves and is standing next to me, takes out the half and half and goes to get a lid, this WITCH reaches IN FRONT of mom takes the half and half- no excuse me, and says " I need this" WELL!!!!!!! Mom won't say anything. So me!? I say "IT WOULD BE NICE TO SAY EXCUSE ME!!!!!" She would NOT look at me at all. I KNOW she heard me! When I commented to mom how rude she was- mom said, actually when we were coming into the store- the woman almost ran her over to get past her!

You know, I used get aggravated (ok- still do) b/c people have ZERO common sense- I told everyone I was going to make a cape and be a "common sense superhero" and point out to people when they are being idiots (THAT would sure be a full-time job) I have no idea how people function in the country

But I think now I may change that, and address all of the rudeness around us everyday! Sorry! I do not think I would be able to do both, I would be up 24/7 I would have to get recruits.

 

[maddhatir]

OK- since I touched on the subject of common sense- or lack thereof , I had to post a story about a ding dong that I spoke to on the phone yesterday.

I didn't want to hog up this thread being OT- ....um, just like I am now ...sorry!...eeek- here is the linky

 

[bulah1]

Unfortunetly, many people have children because that is what is expected and the children are the ones who suffer.

Therefore, in life we need to respect each other's differances and realize that we are all not meant to be mothers and/or fathers!!!

Thank you for not doing what society expects, and being strong enough to realize what "YOU" need in life.

Thank you so much for seeing it this way, you are so right - that is absolutely how I feel about it, and I'm sure many others on here! I do hope things were ok between you and your mother despite her need to have you. You are right that so many relationships suffer and it is so unfair to the children. Thank you for your sincere post!!

One thing I have learned from being childfree is that we make great aunts and uncles. We have time for nieces and nephews whereas some with families might not have as much time. We have friends in California and their 2 girls just love us to pieces. They are now 10 and 7. They used to ask us if we were going to have a baby for them to play with. We told them no and was that ok for them. The older one is very sharp. She told us it was ok if we didn't have kids because they loved us just the way we were.

Now if a child can understand that concept why can't some of the adults??

Again, right on the nose here! LOL! I love my little neice to death (on my FH's side) - and can't wait 'til my own sister has children. In fact my little neice now is so sweet and is always so excited to see me and loves the time I spend with her... you know - I probably wouldn't get that good of a feeling from kids of my own... especially in the teenage phase when they start loathing parents for no reason! LOL. This way they always have an adult they can talk to that can listen to them and hopefully give advice when needed that they will take. For now I enjoy the toddler stage, where it's all love and cuddles all the time... while poor mom and dad have to deal with little miss crankypants when she's upset! LOL.

And it is funny how much the little ones know too, isn't it? Apparently adult minds get clouded by the fog of inhumanity that just doens't affect kids while they're little... wish we could all revisit that time in our lives - where pretty much everyone gets along and plays in the sandbox together.

 

[maddhatir]

And it is funny how much the little ones know too, isn't it? Apparently adult minds get clouded by the fog of inhumanity that just doens't affect kids while they're little... wish we could all revisit that time in our lives - where pretty much everyone gets along and plays in the sandbox together.

I am not too sure about that- kids are rude too!

I have been several places with my niece where she is playing (and she has had her BAD moments, will not defend her there! !) but for the most part she is very friendly kid.

She will walk up to a child and start talking or ask if they want to play etc. And you would think she had 3 heads the way some of them look at her!!! Very snobby like! Like, how DARE you bother me!? I can only imagine what the parents are like!

Probably like the woman in 7-11 on Saturday!

 

[Liisa]

Probably like the woman in 7-11 on Saturday!

I think your mom should have "tripped" and dumped the coffee on that witch! I know, I know... two wrongs and all.... But UGH! Some people!