Marital Advice Please?

[Pebblszzz]

Ok, so I have this "friend"....

Her and her husband signed a prenup, agreeing that they will keep their finances separate throughout the marriage, along with their assets and debts.

Sounded good, so she signed it.

They do have a joint checking and savings account, which they use to buy things like groceries, pay utility bills, and buy things for the house.

However, he has recently said that he'd like to have his own space in the fridge, and pay for his own groceries - while she pays for her own food.

Whenever they go out to eat, he makes a big deal out of making sure she pays for her share, and he for his.

Her hubby makes a very strong point of saying "my" house when talking about the home they share, and embarassing her in front of other people when talking about "her" furniture, "his" house, etc.

This is really getting on her nerves, and hurts her feelings very badly every time it comes up.

Does this guy have a clue about marriage????

Or did she walk into this with her eyes wide open, and should just deal with it? She feels very insecure now, and doesn't feel she has a home of her own...

Your thoughts?

 

[mickey4ver]

Doesn't sound like this guy was looking for love but an arrangement....strange...wouldn't be my cup of tea for a marriage.

 

[StampMom]

YIKES! I think that a pre-nuptial agreement can probably be a good thing in some circumstances, especially if one person comes into the marriage with a lot of debt. But if this guy is going so far as wanting to keep separate food in the fridge, and having to "go dutch" every time they go out, he wanted a ROOMMATE, not a wife! I would RUN as fast as I could in the other direction.

Whatever happened to marriage being a partnership??

 

[snoopy]

Hmmm, sounds more like two friends living together as roommates than it does two people who are married.

I see nothing wrong with seperate checking accounts, if that is what works for a couple, but marking a line in the fridge is a bit bizarre, imo.

 

[Colleen A.]

While I can understand a couple having a pre-nup IF one of them was well off and was afraid of the marriage simply being entered into for the money involved, this is taking the whole pre-nup thing TO THE EXTREME! Wanting to purchase groceries seperate is just nuts. Does he expect her to cook her food seperate from his???? If that were the case, I know where I would tell him to stick that pound of hamburger!

Marriage should be a partnership...give and take. Remember that saying "A house divided will not stand"....well, if your "friend" was smart, she would tell him either be part of the team or she should run while she can!

 

[believe]

While DH and I have separate checking/savings, we are both on each other's accounts. We do have different bills each of us pays, but it is OUR money.
I personally could not live in the relationship your have mentioned below. Marriage, to me, is about sharing everything...financially, emotionally,etc. I would definitely feel as your friend does. I don't know if I would say she walked into this with her eyes wide open since it appears he make be taking this farther than what the initial intent of the agreement was. They need to sit down and discuss their feelings and maybe re-evaluate this agreement.

By the way, why does he get to call the house his? Did he pay for all of it and continue to pay the payments. Sounds like she may be paying for everything the depreciates while he is paying for the thing that appreciates. DH pays the house payment, but it is our house.

 

[DaisyDebbie]

That doesn't sound like a marriage for me. Even on a "date" the man pays for the women. This man sounds cheap and miserly. Your friend should be very careful.

 

[Goofyposter]

Does this guy have a clue about marriage????

Or did she walk into this with her eyes wide open, and should just deal with it? She feels very insecure now, and doesn't feel she has a home of her own...

Your thoughts?

She feels 'insecure'...funny...that was my first thought after reading this about him.

I don't know...everyone is different....but embarassing a spouse in front of anybody is 'over my line'....I don't think that shows the respect of the individual...and he sounds pretty fixated on the finacial aspects of their 'union' to me....

How long have they been married?
First marraiges for both?
Is there any basic differences in food tastes/needs that might be prompting this refrigerator thing?

It will be up to your friend wheather or not this is satifactory...but...I'd like to hope that the relationship is one in which they could sit down and have an open, non hostile disscussion of these things...and revisit what their expectations of a marriage truely are!

 

[Pebblszzz]

She pays him half the mortgage payment each month on the house where they live. He calls it "rent".

When they got married, she also had a house of her own.

He offered to take it off her hands, and is now renting it out (at his own expense/profit). She was behind on the HOA payments, and she had no equity in it, anyway.

He has 5 homes, 4 of which he rents out. One is vacant at the moment, and she's temporarily relocated there until he gets a clue.

I don't know how to do a "quote" here, so I'll cut & paste instead:

How long have they been married? almost a year

First marraiges for both? they've each been married and severely burned before.

Is there any basic differences in food tastes/needs that might be prompting this refrigerator thing?

She tends to buy things he wouldn't buy - and yes, their tastes differ on about 20% of what they eat - but there haven't been any real food issues since the marriage. They both cook, and like what the other fixes.

 

[faith]

Prenups are okay if both agreed to "keeping" what they each had before the marriage. The refrigerator part, buying own food, separate restaurant bills,etc...all spell the end of the marriage coming in my opinion. I hope she sees the light and gets more out of life than this guy is offering.

 

[Buckalew]

Doesn't sound like a marriage to me. I wouldn't like that at all. Of course, DH and I throw it all in one pot and it is ours. That's money, food, my side of the bed ....

Sounds like a heart to heart is needed to me. Good luck to your friend.

 

[PamOKW]

Snoopy took the words right out of my mouth. This isn't a marriage it is a roommate situation. I would stop paying half the mortgage immediately until I was 100% sure her name is on the deed to the house. Also, if she wants him to "get a clue" she should not be living in a house he owns. Sounds like he would have no qualms about having a tenant evicted...even if she is his wife.

Sounds like there are some real problems, maybe on both sides, with this marriage.

 

[CynJ]

Doesn't sound good to me.....more like a roommate situation gone bad.

My DH and I each have our own checking account but they are linked and we are both on each other's accounts. Its not big thing.

There was a storyline from one of my favorite movies "The Joy Luck Club" that was just like this.........

 

[Goofyposter]

Pebblszzz

they've each been married and severely burned before.

I think your friend...who has 'moved out' (right?) should IMMEDIATELY seek some help for the relationship by a third party (possibly someone who married her?)...or other source....I'm very worried after hearing about the temporary seperation thing that the relationship is in a very dangerous time just now (assuming that they love each other enough to try to make their life together better)

I think it's understandable, given both of their 'history' of bad relationships that now...while perhaps experiencing their first noticable"issue" that their minds will rush to a defensive posture!...and that rarely helps in building/rebuilding the bonds between people!

One year is not a long time (hopefully) in a marriage....some people (and taking nothing away from them) need some help in making sure their perspectives/expectations/needs are being met.....call it 'education in human relations'....but it can often make the difference between a relationship surviving or not.

Is their primary residence legally in his name or jointly held?
"rent" would not be an appropriate perspective if the house is jointly owned in legal title.

I sincerely do hope and pray that your friend will take the first step (someone always has too) and try to 1) have dialoge with the DH...if this is too hard (or if he is over bearing) then 2) seek out a non vested third person....6 eyes and ears are always better than 2-4

 

[RUDisney]

I feel very badly for your friend. It seems to me that the only thing that they were sharing in this marriage was a bed, and even that isn't true now. If you can't help to provide for your spouses financial needs, how can you help to provide for their emotional needs? If this is something she wants to try to salvage, then they should try the counseling route, but if not, she'd be better off with someone for whom she could care and from whom she'd be taken care.

Also, remind her... even the most tightly written prenups can be thrown out during a divorce... especially if she was under duress when she signed it. A friend of mine had this done because her ex forced her to go to the attorney's office before they went to their rehearsal, or he wasn't going to marry her. In retrospect, she understands that she should have told him where to stick the paperwork, but the judge agreed that the prenup wasn't valid under these circumstances.

 

[Lanshark]

I would wonder how long they knew each other before they married. It seems this type of behavior would have been known about, to a lesser extent, if they had spent much time together before marriage.

 

[TennVolTony]

I'm not an expert on marriage and hope NEVER to be...But I can see a mess when I see one. Sounds to me like what most have said here is true. Your friend's DH has a roommate....not a wife.

They need help.....or he needs to get a visit from "an Italian uncle from the old counrty"....hey..it works on the Sopranos!!

 

[Rajah]

I think one of two things needs to happen here.

Either they need to get in to some joint (and separate) counselling.

Or, they need to split, one of the two.

Preferably, try the first option first.

Tell your friend good luck. *hugs*

 

[TIdoublegaER]

I agree that this isn't a marriage, its a living arrangement. Since he has rental property and such, I can understand why he wanted a prenup to protect his premarital assets, but this is absurd. If I were her, my first stop would be to an attorney to find out exactly what my rights are concerning the house, furniture and everything else. I would think that since she paying "rent" on the house, she should get her portion of the equity. My next stop would be counseling.

 

[Cinders]

She pays him half the mortgage payment each month on the house where they live. He calls it "rent".

When they got married, she also had a house of her own.

He offered to take it off her hands, and is now renting it out (at his own expense/profit). She was behind on the HOA payments, and she had no equity in it, anyway.

Is her name on the deed for either house? If not she's made IMO a huge mistake. Not only is she helping him build equity in the house they live in but he is also building up his credit report...whereas if he's not reporting her "rent" then her credit will not be as solid as it should be if she does decide to move out and buy her own house. First thing I'd do is make copies of all payments made to him for "rent" and get copies of both houses deeds. Who pays the utilities? Did he take over payments on her old house or did he aquire a new loan? She needs to gather as much information as possible then immediately find a lawyer to help her see where she stands financially. It could very well be that he's used her to make himself more money.