Marital Advice Please?

[disykat]

I have no problems with pre-nups, and think they're necessary in many cases (one party owns a business etc.).

What you've mentioned is much more than that. It sounds like the husband is terrified of committment and is freaking out. Counseling immediately! Your friend did the right thing moving out and needs to continue building her own life apart from this guy until he gets secure enough to handle having a partner. It sounds like he waffles between wanting total equality and total control of the relationship - leaving her needs out of the equation.

I feel bad for your friend - this must be very hard. Best wishes!

 

[Bunchkin]

This is the strangest thing I have ever heard of. I've never heard of anyone having a marriage like that.
I also think it sounds more like a roommate/living arrangment. And not a good one either!!
And spliting up the fridge is the icing on the cake as proof of what a nutbar this guy must be. If my DH told me he wanted to split the fridge in half with his food/my food I think I'd laugh in his face and then take his temperature to see if he was feeling ill!!!

This couple has serious issues that require professional help,
not just good hearted comments from all of us.

 

[philaround]

In every good marriage there are things that are his, hers, or ours. My wifes thimbles, bells, collectable figurines [glass, crystal, pewter], and many other things are hers. My stamps, coins, Star Trek memorabilia, and other things are mine.
Everything else is ours including, but not limited to, our house, our yard, our furniture, our daughter, our son-in-law, our grandson, our pets [although we do joke about "look at what your cat did now"]. In our marriage the most important "our" is our finances, for in the long run we wouldn't have most of the other hers, his, & our stuff if we didn't have a shared income. Niether of us decides unilaterally to spend any significant amount of money without talking it over with the other. We may not let the other know exactly what we want to buy, since it may involve a gift for the other, but we will discuss the amount we wish to spend.
Marriage is a full partnership not a LLC.

 

[Pebblszzz]

Well put, Phil.

I'm going to email your final comment to her so she can pass it on to HIM.

Maybe put that way, he'll UNDERSTAND.

Thanks!

 

[Lucky4me]

Sounds like the guy wants a business partner not a wife.

DH and I have separate checking and savings accounts but have full acccess to each others if need be. He micro manages his money, I just throw it in there, take it out when I need it and hope for the best.

If I were your friend I'd be concerned too. Separate bank accounts is one thing but fridge space? That's just strange.

I know a lot of people will disagree, but I also think living together before marriage is the way to go. DH and lived together for 3 years before I agreed to marriage. I figured by that time I knew the real him and that we made a good team.

Good luck to your friend!

 

[Beauty]

Wow, I agree with what everyone else has said. I think your friend and her DH need help from a third party to every make this marriage work.

DH and I share everything from the house work to the finances. Of course I don't want his military book collection but he would give them to me in a minute if I did. He doesn't want my collection of expensive purses ( ) but of course if he did they would be his. We have never had a separate checking/savings account....actually not one thing is separate in our entire relationship (Like Buck said including my side of the bed) Marriage is about friendship, trust, sharing and fun.....it just seems your friend's DH is way to serious about his wordly goods more so than his relationship with his wife (who should be his best friend.)

 

[Serena]

Cheryl I wish I had advice for your friend, but it looks like you've gotten a lot of it.

The seperate fridge and food issues really bug me. It sounds like he got a house and someone to share his bed while he profits from everything and leaves your friend with nothing, not even a husband, except in name only.

 

[dclwdwlover]

My husband & I also had bad relationships/marriages prior, but, had I asked him to sign a pre-nup he would have said 'No thank you' to our marriage - knowing that I'm obviously not the woman he thought I was and the same for our relationship. And it would have been the same had he asked me.
My point?? - Love, respect, honor, trust, devotion, honesty - these are SOME of the 'foundations' of a wonderful marriage - not a solid pre-nup. She should seriously seek emotional & financial guidance.


Married to the most wonderful man in the world five years & going strong.........................

 

[TheLionKing]

I can somewhat understand the prenuptial agreement if your friend already demonstrated that she has trouble with her finances as evidenced by falling behind on her house payments.

However, a prenuptial should be to protect his present assets and not future assets that are gained form the marriage partnership. Did your friend have the prenuptial reviewed by a lawyer before she signed it? If not, then she made a very bad mistake.

Paying "rent" for housing by a partner in a marriage is utterly ridiculous.

I am sure there is more to this story as we are only hearing your friend's side of the story, but what I have heard already makes me think that there are serious problems with this relationship.

Seems to me that she needs to figure out if there is any real love in this relationship. If there isn't than she might be better off finding another "roommate".

 

[SonjaB]

Doesn't even sound like a "good" roommate.

 

[Mishetta]

OMG! I have a friend whose marriage is like that too! They pay their own bills, food, etc...even when they go out to dinner or to a movie, they each pay their own way! She recently lost her job & he won't make any of her payments, so she's taking (her) savings out to pay her bills!

Then she decided she wanted a baby! After years of begging him, he finally gave in & they had a precious baby boy. Well, he doesn't help with the baby AT ALL. He'll say "you're the one who wanted him!" IMAGINE THAT!!???? I would have divorced him the first time I heard him use those words!

You've been given great advice here on the DIS Board. Hope your friend gets out before children are involved!!

 

[browneyes]

If it were me, I'd have 2 bedrooms and I'd put a padlock on mine so he can't get in at any time.

 

[house_of_princesses]

The issue here is deeper than rent, food, deeds... The man has been hurt and isn't ready to give that up yet. He needs help, and hopefully, will accept it should his DW offer it up. Has his mother or father spoken with him? I know it sounds funny, but sometimes a parent can reach a wayward child, even as an adult. Or a sibling? IMHumbleO, the separation isn't a great solution. Just compounds his feelings of hurt, abandonment, etc. It can also open another can of worms, i.e. dating outside the marriage by either party. Be the stronger. As my DH always tells me, "Do the right thing, despite what others do." Good luck, peace and blessings!

 

[jipsy]

There's always three sides to every story - yours, mine and the truth.

From what little you have said, it sounds like a few things have happened:

1. He was married and as you said, got "burned". Although it's dangerous to assume, I'm going to assume that his ex-wife burned him financially. So, in order to protect his assets and what he has worked very hard for to regain after his divorce, he has gone overboard - a prenup, separate everything. He needs some counseling in this area to get past what his first wife did.

2. She was married and as you said, got "burned". Probably some financially, but sounds more like her burn was emotional, and she is probably taking his actions as a sign that he doesn't love her, when in reality he's just trying to protect himself. It also doesn't sound like she is good with finances, if she had a house with no equity and was behind on her homeowner's association payments, and willingly allowed him to "take it off her hands". I assume he bought it from her and she didn't just fork it over to him. She needs counseling in how to handle finances.

3. They both need joint counseling in marriage, if they want to continue this.

The best piece of advice I can give your friend, is the same piece someone gave me one time when I was complaining about my failing second marriage:

You cannot complain about what you permit.

 

[Mskanga]

I would say to your friend everything you pay for ...pay it with a check and make sure to keep ALL records of it.
Never EVER have children with this man, or you will get stuck with the bill.
But if I was your friend, I would take my house back and run as fast as I could, someone like this is someone who only wants the ocassional "nightly meets" if you know what I mean, not the person to share their life with.
Good luck to your friend.

 

[katerkat]

Jipsy, ITA with you! It seriously sounds like this guy was severely burned financially, and is now waaaaay overprotective of his assets. I think they should be going to counseling -- if he can get over the money issues, they probably would have a decent marriage. But I don't think it's something he can just get over without work, and the wife must be willing to work with him IF she wants to save the marriage. But if he doesn't want to try to get it over his issues, I don't think she should stay in that situation.