MAN DO I NEED YOUR HELP!-update post 273

[Taylors6]

I've been reading along with this thread...but one of these last posts made me decide I might have an interesting perspective.....

I was a 17 year old senior.....just marking off the days to when I would graduate so I could hurry up and get married. What was my mom thinking?!?! Honestly I think she thought it was a bad idea...but I had been "family minded" all through high school-never even considered college or a career- I just wanted to be a wife and mom, so the fact that I was engaged to a guy whose family owned a well known successful restaurant and had a solid future there probably made her think "it could be worse". About the only thing my mom different was that she WOULD NOT agree to over extend herself with $$ for the wedding. She never said I couldn't marry or made a big fuss....but the whole wedding planning was not her biggest thing in life and she was very limited in budget etc. and in the end that was what probably caused us NOT to be married. His parents were much the same-not saying they were against it (they actually liked me fine) but not buying into the whole wedding planning- most likely because they had done so a couple years earlier with their older daughter - HUGE wedding- and the divorce cost nearly as much less than 2 years later!! The stress of not getting the big wedding and everyone falling over to cater to us turned out to be the thing that made us start thinking maybe it wasn't such a great idea after all.

A year and 1/2 later I ended up with a new guy....and was so convinced that we would be together forever I jumped right in and we were married - only knowing eachother like 6 months! My mom once again did not sponsor a big wedding.... and I was OK with that- we were married in a little church- just me and him and two relatives. No reception. A few years later though-my mom did help with the attorneys fees for a very messy, long and expensive ($10,000- all of which I paid back!) divorce and custody proceeding.

I've looked back and wondered what was my mom thinking?!?! I think she knew I was going to marry SOMEONE and putting up a fight would only alienate me- but she refused to do something fiscally irresponsible. I had a few other friends whose parents took the other route and paid for the big wedding and things ended up the same as me.... but they had beautiful wedding pictures to put away at the end.

Just for the record- within 3 years I re-married to my now husband of 12 years. When we decided to get married I wanted a wedding....since I never had one. We made our plans and started saving- it was not huge- but was just fine for us and although we took 10 months to plan for it- so we could afford to pay as we went -in the end both of our sets of parents chipped in for this or that without us ever asking! My mom even decided at the last minute that we really should have planned for a champagne toast and made the arrangements for that at the reception and picked up the tab!

This girl is just "marriage minded"- she is a princess and wants the princess wedding - no different than a girl wanting a HUGE sweet 16 party. She is not going into this for the marriage- but for the wedding and to be the bride and the center of attention. I know this- because thats what I think I wanted! Your son probably loves her- and she probably loves him too, but they do not realize that they are dealing with a MARRIAGE - they are caught up in the WEDDING. It will not end up happy. The girls parents are probably just wanting to save face...if she is going to get married they are probably just happy its to your decent son! I bet they are just hoping for the best. I would downplay the whole thing- and whatever you do- DO NOT put in one cent that you don't really really want to. It might not help since the other parents are a bit over board- but I bet the time will come when she melts down if she is not getting the dream wedding she wants and then maybe your son might see this for what it is.

Gosh... I never knew the knowledge from my crazy teenage years would seem important!!!

Good Luck

 

[c&m]

Wow. Your son at 21 is so young. I remember when I was 21 and marriage was the furthest thing from my mind. There is so much living to do before he should settle down. He's so much in love with this girl, I'm sure. However, my DH told me he and a lot of his guy friends were in and out of love many times before they settled down for good in their late 20s.

21 may have been an OK age to get married in another generation before. But in today's world, it's so different. Before jumping into marriage and the next inevitable step, which is family planning, he needs to build his career, ensure he completes his education (i.e., college? post-graduate education? technial training?), attend some parties, meet different types of women before concluding which is "Mrs. Right", and experience the freedoms and fun times that come with being in your 20s.

He is taking a good step forward by leaving his GF's home and moving to his own place. Maybe by doing this, he will break free from this teenaged girl's and her parents' clutches, be able to think clearly, and leave this high school love drama behind. He will begin a new life that befits a 20-something-year-old. Maybe he'll meet a young woman who will be his equal and not respond to life's issues with a temper tantram/meltdown. Those are my wishes for him. Good luck, OP. My thoughts and prayers are with you that this will turn out in a good way.

Hold off on paying for anything. Your money, your right to hold onto it as long as you want.

 

[antmaril]

Actually the whole thing seems very wrong to me and I would be praying that my DS came to his senses soon! I wouldn't be paying for anything at this point.

My thoughts exactly.

To the OP: I think your son should run, not walk, from this girl and her family.

 

[Halbleib1]

We have all made our share of mistakes in life and at some point parents have to let go and let their kids make their own choices and mistakes. Right or wrong her parents are probably just doing their best to help their daughter have her dream wedding. I agree they have made some mistakes along the way. There is no way I would be letting a man move in with my 16 year old daughter. I would also set a reasonable budget and would not be expecting the grooms parents or anyone else to go into debt for it. Her parents could possibly be going along with this wedding because they know that once she is 18 she can get married without their permission if she chooses and they would like to be a part of it. I think every mother dreams of planning their daughters wedding and that could be what is behind the way her mom might be acting. I am not saying that this makes what she may or may not have done right but we also do not have all the facts to say that she is totally wrong either.

Some of the criticism on this board of the future mother in law may or may not be warranted however it is not our place to judge her and her decisions as we do not know her. We have only heard one side of the story.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

I was a 17 year old senior.....just marking off the days to when I would graduate so I could hurry up and get married. What was my mom thinking?!?! Honestly I think she thought it was a bad idea...but I had been "family minded" all through high school-never even considered college or a career- I just wanted to be a wife and mom,

Wow! You sound just like I did. All I ever wanted was to be a wife and mom. I too was counting down the days till I graduated; my wedding was exactly 2 weeks later. We did get married. Too soon? Maybe, but not to the wrong person. We have been married almost 16 years. I agree, this doesn't sound like it will work, but sometimes it does. My grandparents (who raised me) supported us by sending us to council with our minister, and talking to us about MARRIAGE, and not just weddings.

I am not saying this is a good thing, but if you can't stop it (any maybe you can, your son sounds like he's wising up), get involved with the supporting of the marriage and not the wedding. One thing I learned 16 years ago in those counseling sessions was to discuss your problems with your spouse. I can honestly say that in all my years of marriage I have not gone to my family to complain about him when we have troubles. What good would that do? They would be inclined to "side" with me, and then when it blows over they would still have sore feelings and I would be upset that they were upset with him. Couples need to make their marriages work, and while the wedding is not what is important, you can learn a lot while planning one. If she is turning to her parents too much while planning the wedding, she will during the marriage.

 

[Kae]

sounds like her whole family is just wacked, sorry but I had to say it. The whole thing with your son moving in, just weird. I agree with the others here what I can afford that is it.period
Kae

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

I
I'm wondering, has princess been engaged before? It makes you wonder why they want to dig their claws in deeper, instead of giving the space your DS needs.

Yes, she was in kindergarten. It ended badly over some play doh.

 

[A4Disney]

I guess I just don't understand why she would give her son 10 cents to marry this tantrum throwing brat?

I couldn't live with myself knowing I funded a marriage that is going to result in my son being treated poorly

I agree.Although from updated posts maybe the wedding won't happen at all.But if they do get back together I think you should tell your son that if they are still engaged and happy when she is 21 you will help pay for a wedding. I highly doubt they'll last that long-It's a win-win!

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

I'm thinkin second shift may be the best thing to happen to your ds in awhile...

Yeah, what did Oprah say about God drops a pebble on your head, then he starts throwing bricks. I think the change to second shift is a sign...

 

[Stacerita]

Yeah, what did Oprah say about God drops a pebble on your head, then he starts throwing bricks. I think the change to second shift is a sign...

I'll have to remember that one.

 

[tonilea]

I don't know if anyone has pointed this out, but if "Princess" feels like this relationship is in danger of going kaput.... She might decide that now is the perfect time for "un-planned" pregnancy. She wouldn't be the first, nor the last, to pull this particular stunt. I would strongly encourage your son to be very, very responsible about birth control and NOT take her word for it - even if he sees her swollow her pill. (She could go vomit it back up.) Ideally, he shouldn't be sleeping with her anyway.

I fell in love with my DH when I was just fifteen - he was 21. BUT, he wouldn't date me until I turned eighteen. We were married twenty years ago, I was eighteen and he was twenty-five. But, I had already lived on my own and supported myself. I strongly believe most women should live one their own and support themselves, if only for a brief time. Life is full of the unexpected and someday for whatever reason, they might find themselves as the supporting member of the household. It would be much easier for someone who already has experience.

 

[disykat]

I think every mother dreams of planning their daughters wedding

I guess it's a vicious cycle of "my mom didn't let me plan my own wedding, so I won't let my daughter plan hers either?"

My grandmother had control of my mom's wedding (though not to hear her tell it - I was still hearing stories from Grandma years later about how she didn't get to have it at the country club - you go mom!) I'm glad my mom left my wedding up to me!

 

[Stacerita]

I don't know if anyone has pointed this out, but if "Princess" feels like this relationship is in danger of going kaput.... She might decide that now is the perfect time for "un-planned" pregnancy. She wouldn't be the first, nor the last, to pull this particular stunt. I would strongly encourage your son to be very, very responsible about birth control and NOT take her word for it - even if he sees her swollow her pill. (She could go vomit it back up.) Ideally, he shouldn't be sleeping with her anyway.

I can see this being an issue too.

 

[mrsklamc]

I would never, ever dream of planning my daughter's wedding. That's for her to do, not me.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I would never, ever dream of planning my daughter's wedding. That's for her to do, not me.

Same here. And if my mother had tried to make arrangements for me to live with a guy (whether I was teen or adult) I would've been mortified!

 

[Mic]

I have a 20-year-old nephew whose teenage girlfriend/"princess" got pregnant last year, right after he turned 20 and she had just turned 19. Similar scenario as your son's...they lived in her father's house(for free, though). They got married last year in June(baby was born in December), and they still live in her father's house. Her father has offered to sell them the house at a good price, but "princess" has no plans of getting a job, and nephew's prospects are looking pretty dim, considering he was too busy playing house to go to school. They will never buy a house...one of their grandmothers will die and leave them one, or her father will just give them his, since she is an only child, and he has plenty of money. My sister did not have a lot of money to spend on a wedding, and my nephew knew it. He didn't really ask my sister to pay for anything, but my parents, the girl's parents and grandmother, my sister's ex-mother-in-law, etc. paid for everything. These kids did not pay for anything, and now that they have a kid of their own, they're still expecting everyone to pay/do everything for them. Not to say you're son is headed down that road, but it just seems like it would be the logical next-step after marriage to start a family. I have 4 kids(14,16,18,20), and we told them all we would "help" as much as we could with anything they wanted, as long as they were in school and making good grades(our motto has always been "A's are expected, B's are accepted if it's the best you could do"). So far, the A's far outweigh the B's, even in college, and both of my college-age daughters work part-time for spending money. Even if we could afford to pay for a wedding, we wouldn't. To me, the wedding is the first step in budgeting and compromising, and making joint decisions. While your son thinks his future in-laws are having such a good time making all the plans, will he still feel the same way in a few years when they are still making them? I think you should send a nice note to the girl's parents stating you would be willing to pay for the reception, but it will be planned by your family/son; the menu, flowers, music, etc. However, if the bride wishes to pick out her own cake, then she is free to do so, and pay for it, of course. When my husband and I married, his mother tried to influence everything, and I finally told her she could choose anything she was willing to pay for. I swear, my father-in-law loved me from that day on! He had paid for their oldest daughter's wedding(it was the "BIG,Big $40,000 Show!), and was delighted when his youngest daughter eloped! My advice is to set boundaries with your future in-laws NOW, because it will not get any easier later. If they are not happy with you planning the things you pay for, just tell them they can pay for the wedding, you'll pay for the divorce!

 

[miprender]

Wow... parkersmom my heart goes out to you and your son. Hopefully he sees the light and goes through with moving out and runs from that family.

 

[skhermsmeyer]

I haven't had a chance to read all of the posts yet, but I would say no. My parents gave me X amount of money for my wedding in 2005 and said "here. this is all your getting for the wedding because it's what we can afford. " I had a beautiful wedding with what they could give (my DH's parents didn't even bother to show up, let alone contribute anything) and we survived. If his FMIL and DF want something more, than DF can go get a job (even Cinderella worked a bit). If she doesn't want to, then she can go w/o the big priced band.

Sorry you're in this situation. keep us posted!

 

[wdwmom0f3]

I agree.Although from updated posts maybe the wedding won't happen at all.But if they do get back together I think you should tell your son that if they are still engaged and happy when she is 21 you will help pay for a wedding. I highly doubt they'll last that long-It's a win-win!

Did I miss something? Did they breakup? If so, the OP and her son may have dodged a bullet.

 

[MinnieForMe]

My brother got married at 19. My parents although they approved of his girlfriend did not feel 19 was old enough. My brother and SIL paid for their wedding themselves. My parents gave them a generous check but they had the type of wedding you described. It was definitely budget and now 10 year's later they are still together and very happy. I know many people whose wedding bills outlasted the marriage.

Please, sit down with the couple and give them the amount you can afford. Don't feel pressured to give them the type of wedding her parents want. After all, if they want a CC wedding then the bride's parents should pay for it.