MAN DO I NEED YOUR HELP!-update post 273

[A4Disney]

Did I miss something? Did they breakup? If so, the OP and her son may have dodged a bullet.

No they didn't-I was thinking about how he is moving out soon and after his job change and her reaction etc-it seemed inevitable-I read what I wrote and realized it sounded definite-sorry for the confusion! I guess it was just wishful thinking for him and his mom

 

[A4Disney]

Did I miss something? Did they breakup? If so, the OP and her son may have dodged a bullet.

No they didn't-I was thinking about how he is moving out soon and after his job change and her reaction etc-it seemed inevitable-I read what I wrote and realized it sounded definite-sorry for the confusion! I guess it was just wishful thinking for him and his mom

 

[Misty89]

have not read any replies, just the OP 1st post.



my very first thought was to set an amount and give it to DS.
thats that. thats all you have to give.
I would NOT go into debt to make pretty princess happy.
FMIL ad FDIL might be upset /whiney you cannot accomodate her every wish, but i think this is heading down a path that leads to nothing but saddness for yuor Son.

eta: I have a SIL who was the exact way, and the wedding was a complete JOKE. ( i will not bore you w/ details )
we still make fun of that wedding, even now 5 years later.

 

[HelloChum]

Just curious...

Are your son's friends supportive of his getting married? Do his friends like his DF? Does she "let" him have friends? How about her friends?

 

[chrissyt27]

As someone who paid for her own wedding, I agree this is way too fancy. I think they need to get a clue. If the daughter wants a fancy wedding then her mom and dad need to pay for it, or she needs to get a job. You have a very nice plan set up with your hall and family band, and if they don’t like that then so be it. I would talk to your son, give him the amount you think you can and don’t go into debt for it. I mean after the wedding, no one remembers. It’s been 2 years and I can’t remember some stuff and I am sure guests don’t, all they care about is good food and a fun time, not the expensive flowers and ostrich feathers. The most remembered thing at my wedding was the candy buffet, $2 bags of candy and people still talk. Not the centerpieces or any other decoration that I spend so much time on.
And I agree they are way way too young. And she needs to realize how real life is, she can’t expect to never work.

I feel for your son, he sounds like he is in the middle, but if he doesn’t take charge he will never be able to. His in-laws are always go to meddle in their lives.

Offer your share, and if they balk than say really I think it’s the bride’s family who is supposed to pay, I know that isn’t the case now, but it may get them thinking. Offer to help with the honeymoon, or just pay for the rehearsal.
It’s WONDERFUL that you have offered to help and they shouldn’t take advantage.

Oh and I can’t believe they let him move in when she was 16, WOW, I think they know your son is the best thing that will ever happen to their daughter.

 

[HunnyPots]

I don't know about you all, but I sure would like another update!

 

[CoP Luv]

This bears repeating!

My son is getting married in 6 days - he's 24, and that's too young, but dh and I got married young too - 27 years and going strong. We always tell them its not about the wedding, its about the marriage! One day to celebrate - etc..

Please, please go to theknot.com go to the Planning and Etiquette board and post this - first, know you will get some angry responses that they would dare put you in this position - The women on the knot are also young - and opionated - and its their opinion that the Bride and Groom should have a wedding that THEY pay for - NOT their parents -

so after you get responses, print them out and read them to your son!
QUOTE]

PLEASE DO NOT POST THIS ON THAT BOARD!!! That specific board is for snarky brides who provide snarky responses that usually do not help the situation. The Knot Community stays away from that board because it brings more hardship than help. Stay away!

I haven't read the last few pages of responses, but it really irks me that some people think that is it the Bride's Parents responsibility to pay for most of the wedding and the Groom's Parents to only pitch in a little.

We just got married this summer and yes, my parents did pay for a lot of the wedding, it was by no means their responsibility. They wanted more expensive things and they paid for it. Originally they set an amount to do what we wanted: wedding, house, awesome vacation, etc. They didn't care...at the beginning. For my parents it was the social event, the big party. I knew everyone that came to our wedding and had a great time.

Another point: those who pay have a say. Not true. Everyone could make suggestions, but it was our wedding. Not my parents or his parents. Since everyone was paying, everyone thought they had a say. That didn't sit well with us. This led to some disagreements...big ones, but in the end, our parents realized it was our day and dropped it.

We paid for a large sum of the wedding as well, much more that the groom's parents. We didn't ask for any money, it was their gift to us to use as we wanted.

To the OP: any contributions you make are your gift, not your obligation. If I married the boyfriend I was with when I was 18...ick! I realized that I would have had a horrible life. I went to college, I grew up, I met my DH when I was 18. We started dating a year later and after 4 years, we were engaged. We got married at 25 and 26...and we grew up even more after we graduated college, lived on our own - apart in different cities, and even in planning a wedding. We were a united front and worked together through our relationship and wedding planning.

It sounds like your son, and most importantly you FDIL need to grow up in a MAJOR way. The fairy tale doesn't keep going after the wedding day. She may dress and act like a princess on her wedding day...I know I did!!! - but the dress comes off and life moves on. If this wedding goes forward, she will figure that our REALLY FAST.

Hugs and best wishes to you!

 

[wdwmom0f3]

I don't know about you all, but I sure would like another update!

Me too...

This girl is living in the "me generation" for sure. It's all about me, me, me, me. She has a lot of growing up to do.

 

[winnapooh]

I read most of the replies, but not every single one, so forgive me if this was mentioned...but if your son does still want to marry the girl, what if he (well, he gets her parents to tell her this), that she can't move in with him until she turns 18 (assuming he does get the house he wants). That way you can help protect him from living with a minor? And since FMIL has to convince FFIL to let her live with him, then maybe this would help with the compromise. Also, then that gives her time without him in the house to decide whether she's doing the right thing, and vice versa for him?

I also like the idea of a PP of getting the landlord to write in the rental agreement that only people on the lease can live there, and only your son signs the lease. And make sure the landlord enforces it. When she turns 18, if they still want to be together, she can get her name put on the lease.

Good luck

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

To everyone who starts their post "I didn't read the replies but"

I'd like to thank you, because I can then skip right over your post.

Threads like these evolve a LOT over the course of their creation, and many of the "I didn't read" posts are not even close to being pertinent to the discussion anymore.

I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to post a reply, read through the WHOLE THING, and realized somebody else has said it much better than I could have. That, or the conversation has changed so much that what I would have said would have been pointless...

 

[hentob]

Threads like these evolve a LOT over the course of their creation, and many of the "I didn't read" posts are not even close to being pertinent to the discussion anymore...

Huh? Maybe they just want to answer the OP's original question/dilemma?

Maybe they don't have time to read over pages and pages of replies?

 

[winnapooh]

To everyone who starts their post "I didn't read the replies but"

I'd like to thank you, because I can then skip right over your post.

Threads like these evolve a LOT over the course of their creation, and many of the "I didn't read" posts are not even close to being pertinent to the discussion anymore.

I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to post a reply, read through the WHOLE THING, and realized somebody else has said it much better than I could have. That, or the conversation has changed so much that what I would have said would have been pointless...

I'm sorry if you don't like it, but I just wanted to be honest, that I didn't know if anyone had made the suggestion I posted. I read all the posts up to a point (just after the last post the OP made). Sorry I ran out of time to finish reading the rest, but I just wanted to post my ideas, which I do not believe were pointless and they are pertinent to the conversation. To each his own; I wish I had time to read all the posts. I just wanted to give the OP another idea.

ETA: I really wish people on the Dis would stay on subject, and not feel the need to attack others or to make them feel inferior because they do things differently than other people. In the grand scheme of things, this post is about offering the OP ideas to help with her and her sons situation. It's not about making other people feel dumb for not having time to read through 17 pages of posts.

Good luck OP. I hope you and your son work out these issues.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

I'm sorry if you don't like it, but I just wanted to be honest, that I didn't know if anyone had made the suggestion I posted. I read all the posts up to a point (just after the last post the OP made). Sorry I ran out of time to finish reading the rest, but I just wanted to post my ideas, which I do not believe were pointless and they are pertinent to the conversation. To each his own; I wish I had time to read all the posts. I just wanted to give the OP another idea.

Actually, I DO like it, which is why I said thank you. I actually really prefer it when people begin their post with "I haven't read..."

because then I'm fairly sure I can skip it.

I'm sure the OP probably won't, but reading the same advice over and over again is really boring.

The thread itself isn't boring, and I'd like to know what happens, I just want to skip the repeats where the main point of their post is, as you said "I just wanted to post my ideas".

Which is why I added the friendly guy instead of the rolling eye guy.

 

[Smile4Me]

Wow. OP and son, you guys have a lot on your plate! A couple things I picked up on is that I think its great your son is going to move out. My mom always told me that in order to learn to live with another person, you have to learn to live by yourself first. Some of the best advice I've ever received. Helped me break off an engagement, where I was ready for a wedding, but never a marriage, to a guy, who wasn't the ONE but was nice enough. (engaged at 20 which was exciting while I was still in college, but ended it the time I was ready to graduate at 21. I wanted to be young and have fun,,,not stay at home with a husband!) He needs to give himself some time to be young. Why the rush to get married? You have to have time to grown and make mistakes before you take on other obligations, where there are bigger risks and consequences if you do. ( for example staying out with his friends late if he wants to isn't as big a deal if he's single and lives alone, as it would be if he had a wife and family).

Your son's fiance/ girlfriend may be upset that all the time they will have together is on the weekends if he moves out....but, in reality, aren't weekends when people specifically teenagers (which she is) see their boyfriends and girlfriends?!
I think a lot of married couples wish they could see each other that much!

Your job as his mom is to put his best interests and your family's best interests first. Your son's job is to put his best interests first. When he does that, he'll be able to better take on other relationships. I'll be thinking of you both!

 

[Deb & Bill]

If I had married my boyfriend at 15, no one would have heard of Heather Mills McCartney because Paul McCartney and I would still be married.

 

[Nie0214]

My mom always told me that in order to learn to live with another person, you have to learn to live by yourself first.

Great advice, and I totally agree.

 

[kaytieeldr]

If I had married my boyfriend at 15, no one would have heard of Heather Mills McCartney because Paul McCartney and I would still be married.

Oh, please. Then what kind of sense would the DIS name "Deb & Bill" have made? Not to mention, you'd probably be WAY too busy to post (and entirely forgetting the bigamy issue, what with Paul being married to Linda Eastman at the time )

I haven't read the last few pages of responses, but it really irks me that some people think that is it the Bride's Parents responsibility to pay for most of the wedding and the Groom's Parents to only pitch in a little.

It is too bad you feel that way, but it is traditional. The groom's parents are raditionally responsible for: the rehearsal dinner; their own wedding clothing; and their own accommodations, if necessary. ANY other contribution by the groom's family is ENTIRELY VOLUNTARY.

Another point: those who pay have a say. Not true. Everyone could make suggestions, but it was our wedding. Not my parents or his parents. Since everyone was paying, everyone thought they had a say. That didn't sit well with us.

Then, frankly, you should not have accepted anyone's financial assistance.

 

[Scurvy]

It is too bad you feel that way, but it is traditional. The groom's parents are raditionally responsible for: the rehearsal dinner; their own wedding clothing; and their own accommodations, if necessary. ANY other contribution by the groom's family is ENTIRELY VOLUNTARY. Then, frankly, you should not have accepted anyone's financial assistance.

That's true, according to traditional etiquette. These days, though, no one but the couple is really required to pay any of it at all. It's great when the parents want to pay, but they don't have to. I'm shocked at the number of people I see on a different board who are furious that their parents aren't going to pay for their wedding! But yes, if you are following tradition (which many people still choose to do) the brides parents are hosting the wedding. The expenses are their responsibility. The groom's parents host the rehearsal dinner and are responsible for it.

And I agree - the best way to be sure no one else has any say in your wedding plans is to pay for the whole thing yourself.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Right, Scurvy - I agree with you (as usual ). But the poster I quoted seems upset over the assumption that the bride's family (and by extension, the bride) is traditionally responsible for the BULK of the expenses of the ceremony and reception, while the groom's parents are - and have been, for MANY years - really only expected to host the rehearsal dinner.

Heck, nobody's required to pay for anything - except the couple getting married is required, or at least expected, to pay for any licensing, officiating, and medical REQUIREMENTS their state imposes on couples getting married. Hundred bucks, tops - cheaper if you have health insurance and a friend who can officiate free

 

[HunnyPots]

It is too bad you feel that way, but it is traditional. The groom's parents are raditionally responsible for: the rehearsal dinner; their own wedding clothing; and their own accommodations, if necessary. ANY other contribution by the groom's family is ENTIRELY VOLUNTARY. Then, frankly, you should not have accepted anyone's financial assistance.

That's true, according to traditional etiquette. These days, though, no one but the couple is really required to pay any of it at all. It's great when the parents want to pay, but they don't have to. I'm shocked at the number of people I see on a different board who are furious that their parents aren't going to pay for their wedding! But yes, if you are following tradition (which many people still choose to do) the brides parents are hosting the wedding. The expenses are their responsibility. The groom's parents host the rehearsal dinner and are responsible for it.

And I agree - the best way to be sure no one else has any say in your wedding plans is to pay for the whole thing yourself.

Right, Scurvy - I agree with you (as usual ). But the poster I quoted seems upset over the assumption that the bride's family (and by extension, the bride) is traditionally responsible for the BULK of the expenses of the ceremony and reception, while the groom's parents are - and have been, for MANY years - really only expected to host the rehearsal dinner.

Heck, nobody's required to pay for anything - except the couple getting married is required, or at least expected, to pay for any licensing, officiating, and medical REQUIREMENTS their state imposes on couples getting married. Hundred bucks, tops - cheaper if you have health insurance and a friend who can officiate free

Honestly, the OP's situation is so far beyond "who pays for the wedding", its ridiculous.