Living with Mother-in-Law ... advice?

[Wishing on a star]

If MIL is contributing to the house and the OP needs her financial contribution to the house, now you are looking at a weird dynamic.

Exactly...
I would not want to have be reliant on my MIL.

Both the OP and the MIL need to seek housing that is appropriate and within their means.

It would probably be cheaper both financially and emotionally for the OP to move into a reasonable home that meets her needs... The MIL to move into a cheaper place that meets her needs... And, if necessary, for the OP and her husband to help with the MIL's utilities or whatever.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It sounds like many here were raised in a different manner or perhaps just don't know how to go about setting up this kind of living arrangement so that it's not only viable, but a wonderful experience for everyone involved.. Or maybe we (my late DH, me, and my DD's IL's) are just extremely lucky to have the kind of children we do..

Interesting..

My parents are people that destroy things (houses/cars), don't pay there taxes, and are constantly in debt.

It has nothing to do with "not knowing".

You know that friend you avoid? How about you let them move in with you? You say, no way in hell?

Some of our parents are not so charming to live with. My sister and BIL let them live there while they paid off debt for 2yrs. They got out of debt and guess what, they are in debt again.

My MIL is schizophrenic. No way could she handle the stresses of family life.

C. Ann, you are gone for 7 months. You do not live there full time. It is not the same.

 

[tar heel]

I would work really hard to find a different solution. I would absolutely nix her moving into a house without an apartment. I value privacy and this would be a big thing for me -- we would do it in the case of serious illness but not in this case. She's only 60, which means she may live for decades longer. I'm only a few years younger than her and can't imagine moving in with children.

I think you would get tired of the Fox news and smoking PDQ.

 

[Inigo]

When a husband expects his wife to be a martyr to his mother/parents, this does NOT bold well for your marriage.
You already used the word 'sacrifice' in your original post.

That's the phrasing I use with my husband, as I moved here because of his parents. I say that I've been sacrificed at the alter of his mother. Yeah, it ticks him off when I say it, but he agrees that it's true.

 

[tiggspring]

As somone who lived through this as a child my advice is DON'T. It is terribly hard to live that close together when you have different lifestyles. The inevitable conflict is very hard on kids. The inlaws in my case were step grandparents who smoked and even if you MIl can maintain smoking outside for a visit she will eventually feel put out if she cannot smoke in her own home.
To get through school Iwas a CNA and did a lot of home care and I can honestly say in the 5 years I did that work full time and the 5 I kept working on the side I cannot think of a single case where it worked well. Sometimes it was ok but never great. It was always the primary caregiver that really suffered. You will not be in a good position to tell her what to do and your husband cannot back you up becuse he will not be there. Your home will never be yours again and her home will never be totally her's either. You sound like a very kind person so you will most likely give in so your kids will not see all that conflict. That reeks havoc on you, your kids and especially marraiges. Problems will put your husband in the middle and if it goes badly your MIL will feel completely rejected.

after going through this for 10 yrs my mother said she would never live with her kids. She would rather be put in a home or on the street.Now I don't think that is a good solution either. What I would suggest is checking out elderly housing as a backup.ususally anyone over 55 is eligable and rent is based on income usually 25pecent. Depending on where you live there can be quite a long waiting list (yrs) so signing up doesn't mean it will happen right away and she can deny or accept when her name gets to the top of the list.Some states have apartments, some subsidize housing others do both. Being on disability will move things faster. Call the health and human services dept or elderly affairs. She might be eligable for subsidies, food stamps etc. This is what you and she paid taxes for use it!
Personaly I would rather get a smaller house and help pay for my mothers apartment before I would ever live with a parent. Long term. It is too distructive. Whatever you decide you can handle in your heart good luck. Remember your first priority is to maintain a good marriage for your kids stability. Ask yourself can you do that with your MIL at home full time?

 

[ksjayhawks]

C Ann--

First, I think that it is great that you have such a great relationship with dd and her family. It is good to see your responses to the questions. While yours are positive, unfortunately, in other relationships, they might not be. That is why they are questions that need to be seriously discussed between op and her dh and then with her mil.

I actually grew up having an unmarried aunt live with my parents and me for almost 26 years until she broke her hip and had to go to the nursing home. She and unmarried uncle took care of my grandma until grandma died, then remained on the farm togther until uncle died and she came to live with us. I spent a lot of time with aunt and uncle growing up--even lived with them one summer. I grew up in an area where there were many multigenerational homes, so it is not a new concept to me.

My reason for not having my mom move in with us again is not because of problems it caused as we have had very few. It has to do more with the fact that she grew up in rural Iowa, town under 200, knew everyone, had her coffee klatches, afternoon tea get togethers, church activities, clubs,etc, was still driving when she moved in. She moved to our home, 300 miles away, metro Kansas City and could no longer drive due to traffic, no taxi service in our suburb at the time and no bus service. No relatives around. Very few people her age in our church and no activities for them. Dh and I worked so could not get her to senior activities here in town. Our neighborhood is a young/middle aged neighborhood, so noone to converse with or share coffee with.

My mom (who is 88 now) goes with us to neighbors houses--we have super neighbors who adore her-- and went to most of our ds's activities and to visit our dd and family until it was just too hard for her. She and ds have a super relationship. She loves to see his friends and they are very respectful towards her and take the time to converse with her. The noise they make doesn't bother her in the least. She pays us rent and has her chores just like everyone else. She has her own room with tv and comfy chair along with her bed (we converted our dining room for her as she could not do lots of stairs anymore), a bathroom, and another sitting area in our kitchen/breakfast area that overlooks the gardens and backyards where she can watch the kids play as well as a comfy chair on the front porch so she can sit out there--except during winter, of course--and watch what is going on.

Unfortunately she has reached the point where we can not leave her alone for extended periods of time as she could not handle it anymore if the toilet overflowed, the garbage disposal jammed, the lights went off, etc. So when we are gone on vacation and she is not with us, she goes to a nursing home for respite care. It is good for all of us--she has friends her age to interact with and we have peace of mind. She likes it there and that is where she will go when it is no longer possible for us to have her in our home.

If we had known about the senior housing, she would have had her own apt in a building with others her age, with activities throughout the week and on weekends, a bus to take them places, etc, and still been able to spend plenty of time with us and travel with us. She could have had a lifestyle similar to what she was used to before. Were there facilities near her home town? Yes, but I am an only child, there is noone else to help, and we could not run up there every time there was a crisis, so decisions had to be made. They were not made lightly.

The questions I asked are ones that I often get from others when they find out my mother lives with us, that come up often in discussions like this, that are in books about this subject, and that we had to answer and discuss when she moved in.

Now I will tell you that my inlaws will never live with us--per my dh's wishes--nor will they live with their other son and his wife. The havoc that they would cause would be too horrible to imagine.

 

[C.Ann]

C Ann, do not jump to such negative conclusions!!!!!

You have to remember that many of us have parents/inlaws who would NOT be so respectful as you of our families home/relationships/etc...

Do not assume that it is the posters here who are the problem, as very often it is non-respectful parents/inlaws who just have to be the Alpha and would not relegate themselves to deferring, (being non-intrusive, giving the family their space, even retiring to your room... etcl...) and taking a back-seat and giving up that space and control.... I can tell you, with 110% certainty, that my inlaws would be this way.


Believe me, if all parents were as respectful and loving as you... these things would not be a problem!!!! But IMHO, I would not assume that those who would not want or be able to live under the same roof as their inlaws are the ones with the issues/problems. .

My parents are people that destroy things (houses/cars), don't pay there taxes, and are constantly in debt.

It has nothing to do with "not knowing".

You know that friend you avoid? How about you let them move in with you? You say, no way in hell?

Some of our parents are not so charming to live with. My sister and BIL let them live there while they paid off debt for 2yrs. They got out of debt and guess what, they are in debt again.

My MIL is schizophrenic. No way could she handle the stresses of family life.

C. Ann, you are gone for 7 months. You do not live there full time. It is not the same.

I can understand - and respect - both of these view points.. If there is not a good relationship to begin with, then of course it's not going to work out well.. That's a given..

There will come a day - for one reason or another - when I "won't" be here 7 months out of the year and no one forsees that as being a problem because we have a relationship that doesn't require a "time frame" in order for it to work..

However (and I've mentioned this on another thread), I visit many, many message boards and I have to say without a doubt that the DIS seems to have the most people who have serious issues with their parents/IL's out of all of the boards by far.. I'm not sure why that is - and I've always wondered about it.. But again - if there isn't a good relationship to begin with, I agree that it won't work for everyone..

C Ann--

First, I think that it is great that you have such a great relationship with dd and her family. It is good to see your responses to the questions. While yours are positive, unfortunately, in other relationships, they might not be. That is why they are questions that need to be seriously discussed between op and her dh and then with her mil.

My reason for not having my mom move in with us again is not because of problems it caused as we have had very few. It has to do more with the fact that she grew up in rural Iowa, town under 200, knew everyone, had her coffee klatches, afternoon tea get togethers, church activities, clubs,etc, was still driving when she moved in. She moved to our home, 300 miles away, metro Kansas City and could no longer drive due to traffic, no taxi service in our suburb at the time and no bus service. No relatives around. Very few people her age in our church and no activities for them. Dh and I worked so could not get her to senior activities here in town. Our neighborhood is a young/middle aged neighborhood, so noone to converse with or share coffee with.

My mom (who is 88 now) goes with us to neighbors houses--we have super neighbors who adore her-- and went to most of our ds's activities and to visit our dd and family until it was just too hard for her. She and ds have a super relationship. She loves to see his friends and they are very respectful towards her and take the time to converse with her. The noise they make doesn't bother her in the least. She pays us rent and has her chores just like everyone else. She has her own room with tv and comfy chair along with her bed (we converted our dining room for her as she could not do lots of stairs anymore), a bathroom, and another sitting area in our kitchen/breakfast area that overlooks the gardens and backyards where she can watch the kids play as well as a comfy chair on the front porch so she can sit out there--except during winter, of course--and watch what is going on.

Unfortunately she has reached the point where we can not leave her alone for extended periods of time as she could not handle it anymore if the toilet overflowed, the garbage disposal jammed, the lights went off, etc. So when we are gone on vacation and she is not with us, she goes to a nursing home for respite care. It is good for all of us--she has friends her age to interact with and we have peace of mind. She likes it there and that is where she will go when it is no longer possible for us to have her in our home.

If we had known about the senior housing, she would have had her own apt in a building with others her age, with activities throughout the week and on weekends, a bus to take them places, etc, and still been able to spend plenty of time with us and travel with us. She could have had a lifestyle similar to what she was used to before. Were there facilities near her home town? Yes, but I am an only child, there is noone else to help, and we could not run up there every time there was a crisis, so decisions had to be made. They were not made lightly.

The questions I asked are ones that I often get from others when they find out my mother lives with us, that come up often in discussions like this, that are in books about this subject, and that we had to answer and discuss when she moved in.

Now I will tell you that my inlaws will never live with us--per my dh's wishes--nor will they live with their other son and his wife. The havoc that they would cause would be too horrible to imagine.

It certainly sounds like you have done a great job to accommodate your mom to the best of your ability - and I'm very happy to hear that..

My answers to your questions weren't meant to be snide (hope you didn't take them that way), but more of a "here's an example of how it canwork" under the right conditions..

I understand that not everyone is like me - not everyone has lived this way for generations - but the OP asked a question and I thought it was only fair to show her that for some people it can be a "positive" experience, rather than a negative one.. Her and her DH's relationship with the MIL really has to be the deciding factor.. If there are "issues", then I will agree with others and say it's not necessarily a good idea.. My point was that not everyone has issues with their parents - thank goodness..

OP needs to examine her own heart (as does her DH) and be 100% certain that their relationship with the MIL - AND the relationship MIL has with them -is conducive to this kind of arrangement.. If not, it's doomed to fail..

I consider myself very lucky - as do my DD, her DH, and my DGD - because it works for us as smooth as silk.. (They even get an added bonus - someone to help cook, clean, do laundry, babysit, oversee homework, take care of their pets when they go away, and a hundred other little things that make their lives easier..)

It may not be for everyone, but for us it's the best of both worlds..

Just wanted to toss out a situation for the OP where it has worked - very, very well..

 

[DMickey28]

Yes but the entire reason for them moving in MIL is so they can pay off debt. That will not be achieved if they have to buy a house that they cannot afford to accomodate MIL, you know?

And if things don't go well they could very well be stuck in an uncomfortable situation. She could move out and really put them in a bind.

That is really something that the OP should think about. She could put herself in a worse situation financially.

I don't know.

I did not realize that this was driving the decision. IMO, their home purchase has to be one with a mortgage and bills that fit within their income - without a cent from the MiL. If the MiL leaves or passes, they need to be able to pay for everything themselves...

I need to address this first. I have only read through to page 4 but need to make this VERY CLEAR.

THIS IS NOT AN ISSUE OF MY MIL HELPING US AFFORD THE HOME. I don't want to put numbers out there but we went into this house hunt for a single family home with a budget in mind. There are PLENTY of homes within our budget that we like. My DH sees the extra income from his mother in helping us pay down some minor debt faster (as in 6 months vs. a year). Things like our car payments and student loans. We qualify for over 75% MORE than what we are looking to take on as a mortgage. We could afford to pay that on a monthly basis if we had to but we are choosing to set our budget with our mortgage less than 20% of our monthly income.

My DH just got it in his head last night that we can look for houses up to $50K over our orginal price point because we will have that income. We can still afford it on our own but didn't want to at this point in our lives. I will put the kabash on that, once time allows him to play that out. Once he sees the numbers on paper he will back down.

My MIL is the one in a bit of a financial bind. She is on SSD. She has a lump sum lawsuit settlement payment in the bank. She is drawing $600 off that a month to live and support herself and my BIL right now. She is looking to drop her rent down to $600-800 a month. She can't find anything safe in the area that she is in for that amount.

I have taken the liberty of looking in the areas that we are house hunting in to see what 1bed 1 bath apartments are in that area. I am seeing decent ones for $700 or less WITH utilities included. She is not in a medical situation where she needs to live with us. She is not even in a financial situation where she needs to do that IF she cuts the cord with DBIL AND drops her rent down.

The key here is for me to present this to DH in a manner that makes sense and logic to him. Currently while we are house hunting we are living apart Monday through Friday. We house hunt on Saturday and spend the day as a family on Sundays together with DS. This is a delicate conversation and can't been done in 5 minute snip-its while he is at work or we are having our weekly dinner at his mom's house.

We are going on Saturday to look at houses with inlaws in our price range and area (literally THREE). I am hoping that they really are as dumpy as they look in the pictures and DH starts to see this isn't reasonable. At some point, either in the next few days or early next week, I am thinking of going up and talking with MIL about what SHE wants and the possiblity of her finding a smaller one bedroom nearby. I can't imagine that she really WANTS to live with us in the first place ... I'd be much happier with her a mile down the street in her own place. At that point, I'd probably even invite her over for dinner 6 days out of the week. I'll set up a place in the yard for her to plant her garden and she can come by anytime to pick veggies and fruit. She can do all that stuff if her apartment doesn't have something like that ... BUT I WANT MY FIRST HOUSE TO BE MY FIRST HOUSE.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I need to address this first. I have only read through to page 4 but need to make this VERY CLEAR.

THIS IS NOT AN ISSUE OF MY MIL HELPING US AFFORD THE HOME. I don't want to put numbers out there but we went into this house hunt for a single family home with a budget in mind. There are PLENTY of homes within our budget that we like.My DH sees the extra income from his mother in helping us pay down some minor debt faster (as in 6 months vs. a year). Things like our car payments and student loans. We qualify for over 75% MORE than what we are looking to take on as a mortgage. We could afford to pay that on a monthly basis if we had to but we are choosing to set our budget with our mortgage less than 20% of our monthly income.

My DH just got it in his head last night that we can look for houses up to $50K over our orginal price point because we will have that income. We can still afford it on our own but didn't want to at this point in our lives. I will put the kabash on that, once time allows him to play that out. Once he sees the numbers on paper he will back down.

My MIL is the one in a bit of a financial bind. She is on SSD. She has a lump sum lawsuit settlement payment in the bank. She is drawing $600 off that a month to live and support herself and my BIL right now. She is looking to drop her rent down to $600-800 a month. She can't find anything safe in the area that she is in for that amount.

I have taken the liberty of looking in the areas that we are house hunting in to see what 1bed 1 bath apartments are in that area. I am seeing decent ones for $700 or less WITH utilities included. She is not in a medical situation where she needs to live with us. She is not even in a financial situation where she needs to do that IF she cuts the cord with DBIL AND drops her rent down.

The key here is for me to present this to DH in a manner that makes sense and logic to him. Currently while we are house hunting we are living apart Monday through Friday. We house hunt on Saturday and spend the day as a family on Sundays together with DS. This is a delicate conversation and can't been done in 5 minute snip-its while he is at work or we are having our weekly dinner at his mom's house.

We are going on Saturday to look at houses with inlaws in our price range and area (literally THREE). I am hoping that they really are as dumpy as they look in the pictures and DH starts to see this isn't reasonable. At some point, either in the next few days or early next week, I am thinking of going up and talking with MIL about what SHE wants and the possiblity of her finding a smaller one bedroom nearby. I can't imagine that she really WANTS to live with us in the first place ... I'd be much happier with her a mile down the street in her own place. At that point, I'd probably even invite her over for dinner 6 days out of the week. I'll set up a place in the yard for her to plant her garden and she can come by anytime to pick veggies and fruit. She can do all that stuff if her apartment doesn't have something like that ... BUT I WANT MY FIRST HOUSE TO BE MY FIRST HOUSE.

I guess I got confused with your DH wanting to use her money to pay off debt as far as needing her income.

There is no reason for her to move in then. Put your foot down.

It is clear to me from this post that your DH was looking at it as a way to pay off your debt quicker.

Let me tell you it is NOT WORTH IT!!! Trust us folks.

 

[C.Ann]

It is clear to me from this post that your DH was looking at it as a way to pay off your debt quicker.

What a sad, sad reason for a son to want his mother to live with him..

If that is the driving force, even I will say, "Don't do it.."

 

[DMickey28]

C.Ann - Thank you for your point of view. You and your family are amazingly luckly to have such a wonderful relationship.

I have a great relationship with my family and also with my MIL. We get along very well. It's not really about that. It's about the subtle undercurrents in relationships that you do not see until you are faced with it everyday.

For me it's superficial but it matters to me. It's about not having smoke in my yard and around my windows, my toddlers and soon my newborn. It's about not having Shepard Smith blaring 24/7 in the background while I am resting with the kids. It's about taking my DS to the backyard to play and not having someone looking out the window at me or consently joining me, smoking. It's about my master bed making noise some nights and not worring that a parent can hear it. It's about having my family over for a cookout on a Sunday afternoon and NOT HAVING other people there if I don't invite them. (not that I wouldn't but you know what I mean) It's about my DH and I learning to raise our family together and build our life together. This will be our first house. We have moved every year for the last 7 years. This is our oppurtunity to put down roots. Our chance to decorate our house. Our chance to build routines as a family. These are things I Have been looking forward for so long that I feel selfish in wanting to keep them to our nuclear family.

If there was a situation was demanded we step in, finacially or medically, this would be a non-issue but we are not there yet.

I really appreciate all the input you have given. Now it's just time to figure out how to talk to DH about it more clearly.

 

[Jynohn]

Let me tell you it is NOT WORTH IT!!! Trust us folks.

Agreed. Unless ALL parties are completely onboard, you are only setting yourself up for a lot of resentment.

Been there, done that. And it's a miracle I'm still married.

 

[DMickey28]

What a sad, sad reason for a son to want his mother to live with him..

If that is the driving force, even I will say, "Don't do it.."

I just want to say that while it's not a driving force, it is a big draw to him. He also sees the help to me, with childcare and the house etc. especially with a new baby on the way. I just feel that we can all beneift by a situation where she has her own small place nearby and we have our own space because it's not necessary. Again, if there was a NEED for this to happen, as in your case C.Ann, it would be a non-issue and we would do whatever we had to for anyone in our family to help.

 

[C.Ann]

C.Ann - Thank you for your point of view. You and your family are amazingly luckly to have such a wonderful relationship.

I have a great relationship with my family and also with my MIL. We get along very well. It's not really about that. It's about the subtle undercurrents in relationships that you do not see until you are faced with it everyday.

For me it's superficial but it matters to me. It's about not having smoke in my yard and around my windows, my toddlers and soon my newborn. It's about not having Shepard Smith blaring 24/7 in the background while I am resting with the kids. It's about taking my DS to the backyard to play and not having someone looking out the window at me or consently joining me, smoking. It's about my master bed making noise some nights and not worring that a parent can hear it. It's about having my family over for a cookout on a Sunday afternoon and NOT HAVING other people there if I don't invite them. (not that I wouldn't but you know what I mean) It's about my DH and I learning to raise our family together and build our life together. This will be our first house. We have moved every year for the last 7 years. This is our oppurtunity to put down roots. Our chance to decorate our house. Our chance to build routines as a family. These are things I Have been looking forward for so long that I feel selfish in wanting to keep them to our nuclear family.

If there was a situation was demanded we step in, finacially or medically, this would be a non-issue but we are not there yet.

I really appreciate all the input you have given. Now it's just time to figure out how to talk to DH about it more clearly.

You're very welcome..

You already know in your heart that this is not want you want - what you will be comfortable with (and I can entirely understand that) - so you must follow your heart - to insure that you don't destroy the relationship you currently have with your MIL.. I can't give you any advice on what to say to your DH, but BOTH parties must be on board for something like this to work out and you already know it's something you don't want to do.. It's imperative that your DH take that into consideration.. This is not a decision that he gets to "make alone"..

Best of luck to you!

 

[wvjules]

Why are you even looking at more expensive houses with in-law suites if this is to be a temporary solution? If you get a house with her own space, she will NEVER leave!

I agree with everyone else. Don't do it.

 

[mickeyboat]

I agree with the masses - Don't Do It!

We moved in with FIL for 10 months while we were renovating our house. We had two small children at the time. It permanently damaged our formerly-great relationship with FIL.

My suggestion is to have her move closer to you, get an apartment, and offer to "hire" her for childcare and housework help. You don't have to pay her a ton, but it might be enough, with the location change, to keep her afloat. You and your DH will not have to spend the extra money on an in-law apartment you don't need so the money would be available to pay your MIL for helping you. It is a compromise that will still produce the same results, without the extreme of moving in together.

We do this with my FIL. He lives in his home about 2 miles from us. He watches our kids after school, he brings our trash to the dump, he runs errands for us, he helps DH on the job every once in a while, he drives the kids to their activities. In exchange we feed him several nights a week, pay to dump his trash, pay for miscellaneous materials for his house and pay him weekly for babysitting.

It works pretty well for us. We have our privacy and space, and so does he. We also get to spend lots of time together, and our kids are lucky to be growing up close to a grandparent who really loves them. We are also close enough to be able to help him when health crises arise, and we can help him maintain his house, help with snow in the winter, etc. if he needs it.

Good luck to you, OP!

 

[MEAGON2222]

i AM NOT SURE WHAT YOUR FINANCES ARE OR WHERE YOU LIVE BUT LOOK FOR SUPPRTIVE LIVING OR ASSISTED LIVING IT MAY HELP IN YOU SITUATON

 

[Disney Doll]

OP, have you actually asked your MIL what she wants to do?

Perhaps she doesn't really want to move in with you either and doesn't know how to say it. Wouldn't that be funny?

 

[Wishing on a star]

My thoughts inserted, in red, below...

I need to address this first. I have only read through to page 4 but need to make this VERY CLEAR.

THIS IS NOT AN ISSUE OF MY MIL HELPING US AFFORD THE HOME. I don't want to put numbers out there but we went into this house hunt for a single family home with a budget in mind. There are PLENTY of homes within our budget that we like. My DH sees the extra income from his mother in helping us pay down some minor debt faster (as in 6 months vs. a year).

Sorry, but what a complete crock.... what a snow job....
Sharing your life, your home, your marriage, possibly forever, is NOT worth six months of debt payments.... This is NOT your husbands true motive.

Things like our car payments and student loans. We qualify for over 75% MORE than what we are looking to take on as a mortgage. We could afford to pay that on a monthly basis if we had to but we are choosing to set our budget with our mortgage less than 20% of our monthly income.

That extra 'mortgage-housing' money would be MUCH better spent on helping your MIL manage her OWN less expensive place to live....

My DH just got it in his head last night that we can look for houses up to $50K over our orginal price point because we will have that income.

OMG - It is already happening... As I suspected and posted earlier, there will actually be little-to-no savings for you in this situation.... Add in the increased utilities, too. And all other misc. expenses... E-gads....

We can still afford it on our own but didn't want to at this point in our lives. I will put the kabash on that, once time allows him to play that out. Once he sees the numbers on paper he will back down.

My MIL is the one in a bit of a financial bind. She is on SSD. She has a lump sum lawsuit settlement payment in the bank. She is drawing $600 off that a month to live and support herself and my BIL right now. She is looking to drop her rent down to $600-800 a month. She can't find anything safe in the area that she is in for that amount.

So, she WANTS a nice (as in similar to $1,200.00 dollar a month) place to live.... and she doesn't want to live within her means.... This means you sacrifice your own home, your own life, your own privacy, your own marriage???? Ummmmm, I suggest not. People have suggested other options.

I have taken the liberty of looking in the areas that we are house hunting in to see what 1bed 1 bath apartments are in that area. I am seeing decent ones for $700 or less WITH utilities included. She is not in a medical situation where she needs to live with us. She is not even in a financial situation where she needs to do that IF she cuts the cord with DBIL AND drops her rent down.

Good Gracious - Now let's throw BiL issues into the mix.....
Chances are, she does not cut-the-cord, and then all the BiL issues are under YOUR roof.

The key here is for me to present this to DH in a manner that makes sense and logic to him. Currently while we are house hunting we are living apart Monday through Friday. We house hunt on Saturday and spend the day as a family on Sundays together with DS. This is a delicate conversation and can't been done in 5 minute snip-its while he is at work or we are having our weekly dinner at his mom's house.

So, you don't see your DH all week, and then one day of the weekend, on a weekly basis, every week, you go to HIS MOTHER"S for dinner with Mama. OMG...

OP, YOU REALLY NEED TO TAKE OFF THE ROSE COLORED GLASSES REGARDING YOUR HUSBANDS MOTIVES HERE.

We are going on Saturday to look at houses with inlaws in our price range and area (literally THREE). I am hoping that they really are as dumpy as they look in the pictures and DH starts to see this isn't reasonable. At some point, either in the next few days or early next week, I am thinking of going up and talking with MIL about what SHE wants and the possiblity of her finding a smaller one bedroom nearby. I can't imagine that she really WANTS to live with us in the first place ... I'd be much happier with her a mile down the street in her own place. At that point, I'd probably even invite her over for dinner 6 days out of the week. I'll set up a place in the yard for her to plant her garden and she can come by anytime to pick veggies and fruit. She can do all that stuff if her apartment doesn't have something like that ...

BUT I WANT MY FIRST HOUSE TO BE MY FIRST HOUSE.

Then, for the love of everything that is good and sacred, put your foot down, NOW.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, a specific follow up here....

If you are moving, and your DH is concerned about some outstanding, but not super substantial outstanding debt.... And your income qualifies for a mortgage amount that is greater than what you need to take out on a new home....

SIMPLE, arrange it so that you are able to take funds from the move/mortgage and pay off that other debt... consolidate...

As has been said here....
We really see no valid financial or personal(health) reason that your MIL needs to be under your roof.