Living with Mother-in-Law ... advice?

[Wishing on a star]

OP,

If, indeed, your husband and your MIL have hatched this plan, as some kind of supposed 'temporary measure'... And you have not been involved and agreeable from point one... If you feel like you are being 'enticed' or 'pressured', then that would be huge.

Some lines should be drawn.
Some boundaries are worth defending.

I am in the camp with those who have the MIL who lives in an area with limited opportunities, and who could live for many more years....
She has relatives who have lived well into their 90's.... That would be THIRTY years in your case.

It is easier to establish some boundaries now than it will ever be to be free from your MIL once she moves in under your roof.

Some 'supposed' financial benefits are NOT NOT NOT good enough reason share your home, your marriage, your life, with your MIL.

Again, I would really interested to hear what your DH's positon and motives are.

 

[Disney Doll]

I am 47. 60 is only 13 years older than me. I don't have kids, but I can tell you that 13 years from now, I wouldn't want to be living in an in-law apartment attached to my kids' house, especially if some of the things I enjoyed (coffee, TV news and smoking...none of which are horrific, quite frankly) were going to be put under a microscope, commented on and I was going to be told "My house my rules" by my kids.

Do yourself and your MIL a favor....figure something else out. It sounds like she's in this financial shortfall situation more because of her injury and inability to work for the past few years as opposed to being really foolish with her money. You get along well with her, so keep it thta way by figuring something else out.

You said mentioned wanting to move about an hour north of where you live now. What are the senior housing options up there that might be more affordable for MIL? Are there over-55 housing complexes? Is she eligible for any Section 8 or HUD or other government housing assistance due to her disability? Is it a less expensive area in which to live? Can she rent a smaller place and have a cheaper rent payment? If her current apartment is a 2 bedroom for $1200, would a 1 bedroom up there (since that is all she really needs for herself) be $500 or $600 cheaper, so that her $600 shortfall is eliminated just by reducing her housing costs???

And as far as your DH not wanting to discuss the future...well, he has no choice. You all cannot make decisions about the future without discussion of all possible scenarios, so like it or not, he has to.

 

[dumboiu]

What I would be concerned with is what will happen when she gets older. Your a SAHM to two small children and you said your DH works a lot. That would leave you to care for her when she is ill, or worse. I know it's a hard thing to think about, however you really should consider it as part of your decision. My grandmother lived with my mom for years, then when she got cancer my mom said it was a full time job to care for her.

I don't know why your post struck a nerve with me, but it did. Maybe because I cared for both my mother and father when they each got cancer and subsequently passed away. I wouldn't have had it any other way. It made them more comfortable and yes, I put them before myself. I would do it again in a heartbeat.

I truly believe we have become a very self-serving *me generation* society. It really isn't all about us - all the time. Extended family does have its pluses. OP.....think of how much richer your children's lives might be if they have a grandparent involved on a regular basis. We could learn a lot from other cultures who embrace extended family. Maybe the failing economy will help us do just that.

 

[Wishing on a star]

dumboiu,

That is great that you were able to care for them!!!

But, don't let it strike a nerve with you.
Don't start throwing around words like 'selfish' and 'me generation'.

What worked out in your situation is wonderful, but is NOT always the case.

I would not be physically able to provide that kind of care.
And, to be honest... with the way my MIL is... I wouldn't be emotionally prepared to go there either. There is no way I (or anybody else for that matter) could live under the same roof with her. Relatives do not even come by for short visits when they pass thu anymore.

Let's all hold off with the negative judgements.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am 47. 60 is only 13 years older than me. I don't have kids, but I can tell you that 13 years from now, I wouldn't want to be living in an in-law apartment attached to my kids' house, especially if some of the things I enjoyed (coffee, TV news and smoking...none of which are horrific, quite frankly) were going to be put under a microscope, commented on and I was going to be told "My house my rules" by my kids.

Do yourself and your MIL a favor....figure something else out. It sounds like she's in this financial shortfall situation more because of her injury and inability to work for the past few years as opposed to being really foolish with her money. You get along well with her, so keep it thta way by figuring something else out.

You said mentioned wanting to move about an hour north of where you live now. What are the senior housing options up there that might be more affordable for MIL? Are there over-55 housing complexes? Is she eligible for any Section 8 or HUD or other government housing assistance due to her disability? Is it a less expensive area in which to live? Can she rent a smaller place and have a cheaper rent payment? If her current apartment is a 2 bedroom for $1200, would a 1 bedroom up there (since that is all she really needs for herself) be $500 or $600 cheaper, so that her $600 shortfall is eliminated just by reducing her housing costs???

And as far as your DH not wanting to discuss the future...well, he has no choice. You all cannot make decisions about the future without discussion of all possible scenarios, so like it or not, he has to.

Thanks DisneyDoll,

EXCELLENT post!
see bold/underlined....

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Just echoing the posters....DON'T DO IT!!! It is not worth it. I know you and your dh are seeing how you could get out of debt by doing this.
Won't happen like that.

Your dh sounds like he is pressuring you with a scheme.

As a smoker my advice to you would be to tell your DH that you might consider it if she quits smoking.

Now that would be your test to see what ten kinds of hell that will bring onto you.

And in all seriousness I would make that my line in the sand, speaking as a smoker.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

One point - don't force a man to choose between his mother and you. No matter how much a man loves his wife, his love for his mother is a precious thing.

If my wife forced me to choose, she would win - but I would never feel the same for her again for forcing that decision upon me.

Find a solution that everyone can live with, but don't draw lines in the sand...

 

[The Mystery Machine]

One point - don't force a man to choose between his mother and you. No matter how much a man loves his wife, his love for his mother is a precious thing.

If my wife forced me to choose, she would win - but I would never feel the same for her again for forcing that decision upon me.

Find a solution that everyone can live with, but don't draw lines in the sand...

There is no solution when it comes to smoking. I am a smoker.

Now she could accept that smoke smells will be in her home, her garage (for sure), her backyard with her children.

That will be the compromise, she has to suck it up and put up with it. I don't find that very fair.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

There is no solution when it comes to smoking. I am a smoker.

Now she could accept that smoke smells will be in her home, her garage (for sure), her backyard with her children.

That will be the compromise, she has to suck it up and put up with it. I don't find that very fair.

I suggested a separate apartment, attached if possible. It is a compromise that could work, with no smoking inside any part of the structure allowed. It isn't about the smell - it is about the smoke (for me)...

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I suggested a separate apartment, attached if possible. It is a compromise that could work, with no smoking inside any part of the structure allowed. It isn't about the smell - it is about the smoke (for me)...

Yes but the entire reason for them moving in MIL is so they can pay off debt. That will not be achieved if they have to buy a house that they cannot afford to accomodate MIL, you know?

And if things don't go well they could very well be stuck in an uncomfortable situation. She could move out and really put them in a bind.

That is really something that the OP should think about. She could put herself in a worse situation financially.

I don't know.

 

[minkydog]

I don't know why your post struck a nerve with me, but it did. Maybe because I cared for both my mother and father when they each got cancer and subsequently passed away. I wouldn't have had it any other way. It made them more comfortable and yes, I put them before myself. I would do it again in a heartbeat.

I truly believe we have become a very self-serving *me generation* society. It really isn't all about us - all the time. Extended family does have its pluses. OP.....think of how much richer your children's lives might be if they have a grandparent involved on a regular basis. We could learn a lot from other cultures who embrace extended family. Maybe the failing economy will help us do just that.

How good of you to take care of your mother and father when they needed you most. I'm sure a lot of people would think that is the ideal. However, it's not realistic for a lot of people and they shouldn't be made to feel "self-serving" or any less noble for NOT taking care of their parents personally. Frankly, I would not have my own mother live with me because of the way she has treated me all my life. I will, however, see that she has what she needs as she ages. "Honoring my parents" doesn't mean that *I* have to personally give the care.

Very few people would be willing to take care of their in-laws in their declining years. Some do, and more power to them. My MIL is a severe alcoholic and a total diva. She is very demanding and has no interest in my children. Nope, not coming to live with me. She wanted to live with my SIL, and SIL was going to do that--until mom fell, broke her hip and then refused to participate in rehab. MIL has a sharp mind but now she is very physically debilitated & dependent. SIL tried to manage her by herself for a week or so and it was disastrous. And this is her own mother!

I don't feel one bit bad about not taking care of MIL. She is now residing in a very nice nursing home near my SIL. She receives good nursing care and could have PT if she would accept it. But MIL has decided it's easier just to be in a wheelchair so people can just push her around and come when she calls (she actually said that!)

 

[YachtClubWoman]

I am also going to say - do not do it.

My MIL lived with us for 3 yrs due to financial issues not health issues.

It truly hurt our relationship. We are polar opposites and my poor husband got caught in the middle. Plus at the same time I was in graduate school and we were going through IVF.

If you can work out something else I would recommend it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

t. I know you and your dh are seeing how you could get out of debt by doing this.
Won't happen like that..

That is SOOOOO right.....

How is MIL supposed to help you save money and get out of debt if she is operating in arrears....

How is it supposed to help you save money and get out of debt when you are taking a larger mortgage to buy a larger house to accommodate her? Paying the additional utilities, etc... etc...

If the big 'proposal' is for her to forward X amount of her limited income to your husband (and yourself) I have to wonder just how long it will be before your husband 'doesn't feel right taking his poor elderly mama's money'.

I still see no real and valid reason for your MIL to be under your roof.

I feel that there is more to the story than has been divulged.

PS: I also see the smoking as the make-or-break issue.....
She is supposed to have her living quarters in your basement...
Umm, hello, smoke rises... She may as well be smoking right in your living room, your bedroom, your kids bedrooms.
Search for the recent thread by the DISer who complained that she couldn't even open her own windows, enjoy outside of her own residence because of neighbors who smoke heavily.
I am also assuming that the house does not have two completely separate heat and air systems with separate ductwork.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Yes but the entire reason for them moving in MIL is so they can pay off debt. That will not be achieved if they have to buy a house that they cannot afford to accomodate MIL, you know?

And if things don't go well they could very well be stuck in an uncomfortable situation. She could move out and really put them in a bind.

That is really something that the OP should think about. She could put herself in a worse situation financially.

I don't know.

I did not realize that this was driving the decision. IMO, their home purchase has to be one with a mortgage and bills that fit within their income - without a cent from the MiL. If the MiL leaves or passes, they need to be able to pay for everything themselves...

 

[dzneelvr]

This is a lose-lose for all of you if you let MIL move in. Trust me, no matter how good you THINK your relationship with her is, it isn't one that will leave any of you "un traumatized". Marriages break (your DH is already starting to show his "side" in the matter), grandkids get caught in the middle, and years get wasted when secondary family members (and I don't care who they are) physically move in DO NOT DO THIS. MIL needs to find her own way in this world. There are choices for her. If I found myself in the same situation tomorrow, we would have a family pow wow...brainstorm ideas for MIL...but ultimately it is up to her to find her "home"--and not at my address. The only way I'd ever consider is if we had a residence that had an inlaw wing with seperate entrance/exit. Very few do, though. It does need to be all about your family. Stand firm.

 

[ksjayhawks]

QUOTE: She would be a big help with the kids and housekeeping and stuff though. That's what DH sees ... the help it would be for me. But like you said, how long is that until the rolls reverse and I am caring for her? However at that point, we can't afford anything else though and neither could she so she'd have to live with us.


From me:
CHECK OUT SENIOR HOUSING IN YOUR AREA. There are several apartment complexes where we live that base the rent on a very low percentage of the applicant's monthly income. Then she would have her own small apartment, would be around others her age, there would be activities, a bus to take her shopping, etc. There could be something similar in your area.

Will she be a big help for you or will you end up having a third "child" to take care of? Who is going to be in charge in your house--she or you? Whose standards and rules will be followed? Who will make the decisions on the kids--she or you? You may think I am asking silly questions, but there can only be one alpha female in the house and who is it going to be??

I think you need to sit down with dh and have a very long, very detailed discussion about this--his "dream" of what would happen, the reality of what could happen, who will he support, whose side will he take, etc.

Having a parent live with you GREATLY changes the dynamics of your household. I know as my mother lives with us. When your nuclear family wants to go somewhere will she always be invited? If you have friends over, will she always be included? What if you don't feel like cooking one day? What if your schedule is hectic and you are gone and she doesn't make herself something to eat (more for when she is older, perhaps). When she gets older and you feel you can't leave her alone, what will you do? What if your kids have friends over and she says they make too much noise? What happens when she can't walk up and down stairs? Or cook for herself?

If we had to do it again, as much as I love my mom, I would not have her living with us fulltime. When we discovered the senior housing option, she did not want to move and honestly at that point, it would have taken more of my time to have her there than here with us.

 

[C.Ann]

Having a parent live with you GREATLY changes the dynamics of your household. I know as my mother lives with us. When your nuclear family wants to go somewhere will she always be invited? If you have friends over, will she always be included? What if you don't feel like cooking one day? What if your schedule is hectic and you are gone and she doesn't make herself something to eat (more for when she is older, perhaps). When she gets older and you feel you can't leave her alone, what will you do? What if your kids have friends over and she says they make too much noise? What happens when she can't walk up and down stairs? Or cook for herself?

I "am" the mother living with DD and her family - so I'll answer those questions the way "we" would handle them..

When "nuclear family" goes somewhere I do not expect to be invited - nor do I care to go..

When they have friends over, I spend my time in my bedroom or downstairs in the scrapbook room my Dson-in-law built for me..

I cook for myself when they aren't home - and often cook for them when they are..

When I reach an age or physical condition where I can't be left alone, I will opt for a nursing home if necessary.. (This would be the same answer for your last two questions..)

DGD (11) has friends over all of the time - and they often stay overnight.. The noise doesn't bother me in the least.. Love to hear them having a good time..

It's very interesting to see the responses here - from my perspective.. My parents took in my mom's mom and my dad's mom until they died.. (Wouldn't even consider nursing homes for them..)

My Dson-in-law had 2 grandparents that lived in his parents home (and maybe that's why he feels the way he does about having me or his mom or dad live with in the household).. His grandfather lived with his parents until he died.. His grandmother (on the other side) lived there until they could no longer get her up and down the stairs (a very heavy woman - raised ranch) and a nursing home was the only option..

It sounds like many here were raised in a different manner or perhaps just don't know how to go about setting up this kind of living arrangement so that it's not only viable, but a wonderful experience for everyone involved.. Or maybe we (my late DH, me, and my DD's IL's) are just extremely lucky to have the kind of children we do..

Interesting..

 

[Wishing on a star]

C Ann, do not jump to such negative conclusions!!!!!

You have to remember that many of us have parents/inlaws who would NOT be so respectful as you of our families home/relationships/etc...

Do not assume that it is the posters here who are the problem, as very often it is non-respectful parents/inlaws who just have to be the Alpha and would not relegate themselves to deferring, (being non-intrusive, giving the family their space, even retiring to your room... etcl...) and taking a back-seat and giving up that space and control.... I can tell you, with 110% certainty, that my inlaws would be this way.

My entire house would have to be their domain.

We traveled with them once (and NEVER again) to a condo on Edisto Island off South Carolina. We had a tiny room (land I mean crawl over each other tiny) The whole rest of the condo was carefully and purposefully staked out as their domain.... the sofas were layed out with an array of their sweaters/reading glasses/books/etc.. If DH and I went out on the patio to sit and enjoy a few moments... here would come FIL (a real tool).

Believe me, if all parents were as respectful and loving as you... these things would not be a problem!!!! But IMHO, I would not assume that those who would not want or be able to live under the same roof as their inlaws are the ones with the issues/problems.

Sometimes it is called self-preservation and preservation of ones marriage.

I know...
I too, like some of the other posters here, have inlaws who have taken the worst toll on my marriage.

 

[Wishing on a star]

To the OP,

To continue with what I, and a couple of others, have said about the toll that this can take on your marriage....

We have never lived under the same roof as my inlaws... but I know the associated issues very very well....

My assumption is that your MIL still holds quite a bit of sway with your husband. Because, obviously, he is ready to bring her into your home, your life, your marriage... even when there is clearly no real pressing need or reason.

In this situation, there is simply no way that things can go both ways....
It is either serve your wife's needs and interests, or your mothers/parents.

When a husband expects his wife to be a martyr to his mother/parents, this does NOT bold well for your marriage.
You already used the word 'sacrifice' in your original post.

You will learn that you are NOT 'first', as a spouse should be.

Even if the MIL is not particularly demanding, having a MIL under the same roof is likely to set up a situation where your DH is caught in the middle...

You will be consumed with taking care of everyone's needs.
your children's
Your husband's
Your MIL's
etc.....

Unfortunately, a human being and a marriage ARE a definite sum-total.

There is only so much energy, time, money, emotional energy, etc...

I would be willing to gamble big money that you will be the one who comes up short.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I did not realize that this was driving the decision. IMO, their home purchase has to be one with a mortgage and bills that fit within their income - without a cent from the MiL. If the MiL leaves or passes, they need to be able to pay for everything themselves...

Yes that is what it does boil down to for me in this situation. The smoking, boundaries, etc. are annoying issues.

How you can afford the house is another matter.

If her dh is counting on the MIL support for the house, that is just a road you do not want to travel if you do not have to.

If MIL is contributing to the house and the OP needs her financial contribution to the house, now you are looking at a weird dynamic. Not that she would "threaten" but it will be "there". You will have to accomodate her in order for her to continue to live there.