Living with Mother-in-Law ... advice?

[NHdisneylover]

Ding...Ding...Ding!!!!
If you do this, I think you are only beginning to see the 'sacrifices' that you will be making....

You are seeing just the beginning of the ticked-off/resentful feelings.

If she is only 60 and is not in failing health...
I guess I am confused as to why she needs to be living with you??????

As I just said... Look at this objectively..
Know your limits....

Me too to the bolded part. You mentioned finances as an issue. I know it would drive me nuts to watch someone make poor financial choices while living partly off my family's income so i would look at taht if this is a reason she cannot afford to live on her own.
I agree that if you are already feeling like you have to make compromises you are looking at a loooong, hard road. Tread carefully.

 

[DMickey28]

Thanks Guys! I knew I could count on the wisdom of the DIS!
Hadley - Great break down, thanks.

Just to clear up some questions:

She is running at a financial deficite (I know that is spelled wrong.) of $600 a month right now. She is paying $1200 in rent currently. She needs something to change in the way of financial help. I also mentioned to DH, and we are going to look into this, a small apartment in the same area as we are looking to buy. It's a lot cheaper than where she is now. She is looking for cheaper places locally but to get into her price range they are in the shady, scary areas of urban towns. We are moving about an hour north of where she is now, in a different state, lower costs. I bet she can find something there.

She has always been very respectful of the smoking for the most part. However, she is a grown woman. It's not fair for her not to be able to smoke it's her choice. My choice is to limit it around my kids. We have talked at length about that.

She has never meddled in DH and I. Due to her long stays we would inevitable have an arguement when she was around. She has always been a great mediator for us. She sees both of us honestly and she seems to see both of our flaws. She doesn't think her son hung the moon but knows he has challenges.

She hasn't had a significant other in over 10 years. I honestly doubt she will ever again. She has had two very horrible failed marriage and that equally horrible relationship. It is something we would discuss before a final call is made.

Dh has said they have talked about this not even being a long term solution. It will help her to get on her feet and it will help us to get out of some debt. Even if it's for a year.

There is a lot to take into account. Honestly, I can see it working if we find the RIGHT set up. I just don't want to scarifice too much of what I get in my first house all because it has a basement. However the PP had a good point, in the beginning that extra income can help update somethings.

Keep your ideas and thoughts coming please. I appreciate them.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Dh has said they have talked about this not even being a long term solution. It will help her to get on her feet and it will help us to get out of some debt. Even if it's for a year.

There is a lot to take into account. Honestly, I can see it working if we find the RIGHT set up. I just don't want to scarifice too much of what I get in my first house all because it has a basement. However the PP had a good point, in the beginning that extra income can help update somethings.

Keep your ideas and thoughts coming please. I appreciate them.

That is what we did with my parents, however they are in debt again naturally.

Is she in debt because she is a "spender"? That won't change more than likely.

I mean right now I am holding my breath that my parents can afford the apartment they are in.

I guess bottom line, you will hate it and endure it at the same time. If you can get her into an affordable apartment to start with you are ahead of the game.

 

[DizBelle]

My first thought is that the definition of "within her means" could change if she stopped smoking. 2 packs a day at $5 a pack would add up to about $300 a month which could go a LONG WAY toward paying rent on her own place.

For me, smokers will not live in my home. There is the added smell of smoke around the house. If she lives under the same roof, the smoke WILL permeate the whole house even if she doesn't smoke in the house. The smoke will adhere to her clothes and her skin and hair. As she makes contact with your furniture, it will transfer. I wouldn't be able to stand it.

And what about the additional fire hazard. She may not want to go outside late at night to smoke and will smoke in her room blowing the smoke out the window. Then what happens when she falls asleep with a lit cigarette.

 

[DMickey28]

That is what we did with my parents, however they are in debt again naturally.

Is she in debt because she is a "spender"? That won't change more than likely.

I mean right now I am holding my breath that my parents can afford the apartment they are in.

I guess bottom line, you will hate it and endure it at the same time. If you can get her into an affordable apartment to start with you are ahead of the game.

She was a spending but she had an accident at work almost 4 or 5 years ago (can't remember) and has been out of work since then. Her lawsuit settled this past fall and she is now collecting SSD. I think "within her means" means a lower rent than the $1200 for a two bedroom now, she only needs a one, as well as a part-time job to supplement her SSD. It's not back debt she is paying, she doesn't have any, it's just basic needs.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

She was a spending but she had an accident at work almost 4 or 5 years ago (can't remember) and has been out of work since then. Her lawsuit settled this past fall and she is now collecting SSD. I think "within her means" means a lower rent than the $1200 for a two bedroom now, she only needs a one, as well as a part-time job to supplement her SSD. It's not back debt she is paying, she doesn't have any, it's just basic needs.

Oh well she can certainly get an apartment and live within her means then.

From my perspective you are jumping the gun then.

If she were destitute without money or needed medical care then I could see her moving in with you.

 

[tonilea]

If it was to be a temporary arrangement, I would ask/require she take Dave Ramsey's "Financial Peace University" class. It does have a religious undertone, but the advice rings true for anyone who really wants to get out of debt and manage their money. IMO, if you can make it a temporary arrangement - you will all be better off for it. Money skills come naturally for some - not us! But, it can be learned!

This is my story: My MIL doesn't live with us, yet. But, that day is probably coming. Right now she lives next door. In the past few weeks we have had to take over the administration of her medicine.

When we agreed to live here, my inlaws were 59 and 71. Both were in failing health. I never expected to be still living here almost 21 years later. We thought five years or so... at most. WRONG! DFil lived eleven years and DMil is still going - she even improved dramatically after the birth of our son. Thought lately she had been having problems.

At first, it was very hard - and we didn't even live in the same house. However, MIL was very nosey and interfering. It got to the point that I told DH if he didn't do something about his mother, I was leaving. I loved him and he was welcome to come with me, but I refused to live under those conditions. She did settle down and I suppose I grew up some too. I was 18 when we married.

Eventually, she was no longer able to drive and most of the driving duties fell to DH and me. After DS was born, I became a SAHM - so all the driving duties fell to me. She would "need" to go to town (15miles) to get groceries, then a day or two later "need" to go get her medicine. I finally told her except for legitimate emergencies, we would only go to town once a week.

I hope it all works out well for you!

 

[hucifer]

DMickey, I don't have any advice. I just wanted to congratulate you on your pregnancy! My son is your son's age, so it's great to see that you have another one on the way. I am very happy for your family.

Sorry, OT I know. Back to your situation...

 

[EthansMom]

Things that would concern me:

Can your MIL do any work at all? Is she able to care for her own needs?

Honestly, having MIL move in with you isn't the ONLY solution to her problems. It sounds as if she is relatively active but just running a financial deficit. However, she could move in to a situation where she rents a room or shares an apartment for far less money. And she could cut down on smoking to save money. She might even be able to do some work to bring in more money (research how much she could earn without losing her benefits).

Personally, I would offer to look over MIL's finances and help her find ways to save money. I would also help her find a place to live (on her own) that is within her budget. If necessary, after MIL has done some work to reduce her expenses, I would give MIL a monthly stipend to "help" pay for her bills. IMO, it would be far easier to give MIL $100 or $200 a month to help cover her bills in her own place than to be out the same amount of money with her living in your home.

You also need to be mindful that MIL is an adult. She CAN take care of herself. I give really high odds that if MIL moves in with you, you and DH will be enabling her as she continues to spend (and smoke) in a manner to which she's become accustomed. In all likelihood, MIL will cause stress in your lives and create a dynamic that you aren't anticipating. Your MIL could concievably live for another 40 years. Are you prepared to live with her for 20, 30, or 40 years?

With any support that you agree to give MIL, you should be mindful that your children will only get more expensive as they get older. While I'm not saying you should ignore MIL's needs, you need to consider the impact that supporting MIL (with money or having her live with you) will have on your children. If you support MIL could you afford to help your children with college, for instance?

I'm not trying to sound heartless, just wanted to offer some pragmatic thoughts. I have a MIL who is a really nice lady and a great grandma to my kids. But, like your MIL (and at a similar age), mine hasn't worked full time for quite some time. Thankfully, she has a husband and he makes good money. Realistically, however, if something happened to MIL's husband, I think she'd go through the money pretty quickly. So, this is a problem to which I've given a bit of though. In fact, with all of our parents divorced and remarried, it's probable that at least one or two of our 8 parents/stepparents are going to need support in the future.

 

[NHdisneylover]

It sounds like you have discussed and thougth about a lot of things already

If you and your DH want this to be a "short term" arrangement I think you should also spell out ahaed of time what short term means (you may think 1 year, DH may think 5 and DMiL may think 10 .....). I think you know this, but jsut to be clear: I am actually not trying to dissuade you. I have always told DH that his mother ever need to live with someone (right now she and his dad are fine but his dad does have heart conditions which frighten all of us into believing there will come a day when he is suddenly gone) I would absolutely take care of her if she will move to where we are. We both know I am much more likely to take that on than any of his siblings or their spouses. I adore my mother in law and would want to help her much like you want to help yours. I am just trying to help you think of everything ahead of time ad get everything handled as well as possible so that at in the end you are still as close to your MiL as you are now.

Smoking: as an adult you are totally correct she has the rigth to chose to smoke. As a Mom, one I would be worried not only about the effects of second hand smoke but about the example it sets for my chidlren (especially young ones like your 2 year old) if they see her outside smoking day after day.

TV: If she does not end up with her own apartment I would worry about the kids being exposed to news all day long (lots of violence there). Maybe if you present it to her like that she will be more likely to limit viewing.

Furnsihings: Will she want to bring her own stuff with her (to feel at home)? how will that fit in with what you have if you cannot swing a seperate apartment? Will the smoke smell in it drive you batty?

Discipline: If she is babysitting a lot and gets used to dealing with discipline, do you want her doing so also when you are there or stepping back unless hse is the only one? When does she get to be hte doting grandma if she there all the time?

Moving: what if your husband gets offered a promotion but you must move to take it? Will you feel free to do so or will you feel tied to the area because of teh shared living arrangements?

Houseguests: How will it impact your MiL if you have house guests? Will your family still be able to visit? How will YOUR mother react to you living with your mother in law?

 

[Sorsha]

Don't know if this is really advice, just wanted to share how I would handle things.

For DH and I, family is everything. If we needed to have one of our parents come and live with us, we would, without question. However, if possible, we would want the parent to have his or her own space. A mother-in-law suite, or even, as someone has suggested, remodeling a garage.
That said, we would sit down with the parent and explain some house rules. Probably keep it light (remember mom, how you always used the line "As long as you live under my roof.."?? Well now its *my* roof!"), but I can't imagine most people would have a problem with following house rules. As long as mom has her own TV, she can watch whatever she likes in her own space, so keeping the main TV family-friendly shouldn't be a problem. As far as being a coffee drinker, buy a coffee pot... no biggie there. The smoking would be the big one as far as I am concerned. I think I would have DH maybe build a small covered bench or gazebo waaaaaaay out in the back of the yard, add a nice ash recepticle and a trash can, and make it her responsibility to keep it clean. Make it very clear: NO smoking in the house, NO smoking in her apartment, NO smoking in the yard if the kids are playing nearby. Sorry, but this one I would stand firm on - this is one of those my-house-my-rules times.

Other than that, I would have no problem with it. Actually, in the grand scheme of the world, we are one of the few cultures that does NOT have elders living with them. In most cultures, its a given. Elders can be a help around the house, a help with the children, and provide an invaluable layer in the fabric of the family.

 

[barkley]

i want to suggest that FIRST you and your dh realy talk privatly with each other about the factor of the one brother. is he adamant that he won't let him move in? if he tries to will your dh take steps to stop it?

then when you are on the same page, research the landlord tenant laws in the area where your new home will be. find out what you can and CANT do with a renter or boarder in your home. you may want to go to the expense of having a lawyer draw up the agreement between the 2 of you and your mil.

reason i suggest this-there's a story that's big in the local news up here. dw/dh own a home. they have a flakey son who they let rent basicly a mil type structure on their property. he lets a girlfriend move in and they try to get her out. he refuses. he/girlfriend end up using the way the law is worded here to show that his rental agreement never specificaly precluded him letting others move into the property. he/girlfriend get legal aide to successfully fight any eviction proceedings. normal eviction rules don't apply (like month to month rules where a landlord can just say 'i want you out in 30 days') because of the way the rental agreement was written up (something about 'my son johnny can rent the barn as long as he needs to for x dollars a month until he gets back on his feet') which has made the situation more complicated because their son has now gone to jail BUT he/legal aide still contend he's renting (and someone is ponying up the money to send to his parents every month-who even though they are'nt cashing the checks are still considered to be receiving them) and in the meantime the flakey girlfriend has invited 4 or 5 other druggy flakes to stay with her. NONE of these people have been succesfully removed from the property despite months and months of legal wrangling.

know he risks, get a contract to limit the risks.

 

[dis-happy]

She was a spending but she had an accident at work almost 4 or 5 years ago (can't remember) and has been out of work since then. Her lawsuit settled this past fall and she is now collecting SSD. I think "within her means" means a lower rent than the $1200 for a two bedroom now, she only needs a one, as well as a part-time job to supplement her SSD. It's not back debt she is paying, she doesn't have any, it's just basic needs.

Has anyone considered having her share her 2 b/r apt. with a roommate? I bet there are other single elders out there who would be compatible with her lifestyle and are looking for a place to live or cut expenses.

While looking at property, keep in mind a house with a detached garage. That could be made into an apt. (check zoning first) and give you more space.

Good luck.

 

[C.Ann]

Well I "am" the MIL - living with my DD, her DH, and my DGD.. I have been living with them since 2004.. My circumstances are different than your MIL's though, so I'm sure that will make somewhat of a difference..

After my DH passed away, I had to sell our home for financial reasons.. There was never a question of whether or not I would move in with my DD's family - it was actually her DH's idea to begin with..

I "could" have moved into an apartment, but DD's DH thought that would not be the best financial move to make - simply because I have a very small place in the mountains, at a lake - where I live 7 months out of the year.. (It's not winterized, so I go back to their place for 5 months each year..) It would make no sense for me to pay rent on an apartment that would be sitting empty for 7 months out of the year.. I also have a large extra lot here are the lake - which provides DD and her family with a place to bring their travel trailer and vacation every weekend from late April through Columbus Day.. I pay for everything here at the lake that they use: electric; cable; phone; beach permit (so DSIL can have his boat and jet ski's here); taxes; etc.. That's the "swap" in expenses for the time I live with them..

In their first home, I had a bedroom upstairs.. In 2006, they purchased a home where all the bedrooms are on one floor and that's where my bedroom is now.. DSIL also built a scrapbook room for me in the basement..
Every other week during the winter, I buy the groceries for the entire family - which drives them nuts - but I feel as though I should..

I have an extremely close relationship with my DSIL.. He will share things with me that he won't even share with his own parents and will often ask my advice regarding different matters.. I do NOT offer an opinion if DD and her DH are squabbling, but if my opinion is asked for, they BOTH know that I will call it like it is.. No siding with DD "just" because she's my DD..

I also do not interfere with DGD.. She has parents living in the house and their rules are enforced by me as well..

I was never given any "rules" to follow when I moved in with them - just took it upon myself to live and behave in a manner that I know they would expect from me.. I am always mindful that it is "their" home - even though they insist that it is "my" home as well and I should act as though it is..

We all get along fine.. I love being there and they love having me there.. It all boils down to "respect" - all the way around..

Of course my situation is unique - because I can give them 7 months of privacy and I get 7 months of privacy as well.. However, if that were ever to change, there is no doubt in anyone's mind that we would still do just fine.. We mesh well - always have - and I do believe it is based on a very close family bond, respect, and everyone being considered "equal"..

Don't know if this will help you much, but I thought I would give you the perspective from a MIL who "does" live with her family..

 

[Jynohn]

My MIL lived next door in an in-law apartment, and I have to say that unless it's absolutely necessary for medical/financial reasons, I would think VERY carefully before agreeing to this arrangement. Although we had completely separate living areas, my MIL thought nothing of walking in our side of the house unannounced all the time. She meant well, but was very intrusive, and the source of MANY arguments between my husband and me. It was a terrible situation for DH, who constantly had to run interference between his mother and his wife. We got along reasonably well before we lived together, but sharing the same home was a terrible strain on all of us.

Since your MIL is only 60, this arrangement could very well last for a LONG time. I feel horrible saying it, but my only consolation during the whole thing was that my MIL was in her mid 80's and not in good health, so I knew that I would not be dealing with the situation indefinitely. This made me feel terribly guilty when she did pass, because it came as somewhat of a relief to me.

Your situation may very well work out wonderfully, but just giving you a little food for thought. But I do have to say that the smoking would have absolutely been a deal breaker for me.

 

[tonilea]

Since your MIL is only 60, this arrangement could very well last for a LONG time. I feel horrible saying it, but my only consolation during the whole thing was that my MIL was in her mid 80's and not in good health, so I knew that I would not be dealing with the situation indefinitely. This made me feel terribly guilty when she did pass, because it came as somewhat of a relief to me.

I guess this was really the point of my post. There is no telling how much it has cost us to live next door to MIL. My husband could make so much more money even 60 or 70 miles from here. But, we didn't feel comfortable leaving when they needed us most.... and it seems like she needs us more all the time. DMIL has deeded us her house, but to be honest, it has cost us much more in lost opportunites than that old house will ever be worth.

I love my MIL, but if I had known that over 20 years later, I would still be living in this stupid little town I hate, I would have NEVER agreed to live here. I feel very trapped.

 

[NotUrsula]

Her age might present a problem, but if she is on state disability it should make a difference -- have you looked into subsidized housing for the disabled? She probably could qualify for a property like that, though there might be a waiting list. It might be HUD Section 8, or it might be a locally-sponsored program -- I'd certainly check into it. Most of the programs for the elderly start at age 65, but if she is disabled and 60, a local program might make an exception.

As for the 4-bedroom house -- how handy with power tools and plumbing is your DH? The only way I would agree to it in the case of a smoker would be if you could fit up that room as a studio apt. with a separate entrance door, AND separate the heating and A/C ventilation from that of the rest of the house. That would undoubtedly mean giving up the master bedroom and the bathroom that goes with it, so that you wouldn't have to do a major plumbing refit. (It's usually not very difficult to add a kitchen sink on an adjacent wall if you're already plumbed for a bathroom, but it's best to forego a disposer when you do that.)

 

[NHdisneylover]

I love my MIL, but if I had known that over 20 years later, I would still be living in this stupid little town I hate, I would have NEVER agreed to live here. I feel very trapped.

That is exactly why I listed moving as a consideration in an earlier post. That has to be sooooo frustrating for you. I really feel for you. We have not yet managed to stay anywhere more than 5 years (and some places only 1). It would drive me bonkers to know our options were limited to one area only and I cannot imagine where DHs career would be if they were.

 

[Inigo]

Dh has said they have talked about this not even being a long term solution.

This part concerns me. It appears your DH and his mother have already made the decision, and your agreement was an afterthought.

I'd be a little ticked it was presented to me as a done deal. I ended up moving to an area I do not like so that we could live near my in-laws. I thought the deal was for no more than 5 years. It's been 16 now, and I'm stuck here until MIL dies, even though she's now in a nursing home. I agreed to the move, but not to spend the rest of my life here.

 

[EthansMom]

Dh has said they have talked about this not even being a long term solution. It will help her to get on her feet and it will help us to get out of some debt. Even if it's for a year.

Here's what I would want to know: If MIL moving in is a short-term solution, then what is going to change in a few months or a year to make it more affordable for MIL to live on her own? Is she going to get a job? Is she going to get money from some other source? It's not like she can move into your house and save enough money in just a few months (or a year) to live off of for the remainder of her life.

I'm not against having your MIL move in with you, but I think the expectations need to be very clear from the get-go. Personally, I think you should sit down and say, "You can live with us, but you'll need to pay $X/mo. in rent, pay for Y expenses, get a job, and have your own place within Z months." (I'd put that rent money away in a savings account to help pay for her expenses when she is elderly and REALLY needs your help.)

I wouldn't be surprised, if MIL could move to a smaller apartment in an area with a lower cost of living, reduce some of her spending (cable, phone package, etc..), trim her smoking habit, quit supporting the 23 year-old and NOT have a $600/mo. deficit AND still live on her own.

ETA: At some point (maybe in 2 years or in 5 years or in 10 years), your MIL is truly going to be unable to support herself and will NEED your help. I'm not sure that this is that time and I'm concerned that if you offer her an "easy way out" of her problems, her living with you now will stretch on for a few years until she can't live on her own at all.

Another ETA: *If* MIL moving in with you is a "short-term solution" why are you making long-term decisions (like focusing your entire house hunt to accomodate supporting MIL) as part of the solution? If MIL really did move out in 6 months or a year, you'd be left with an empty attached apartment on which you'd be paying a mortgage. It would be far easier to give MIL some money to help her in the short term than to buy an entire house geared around her. It's one thing to buy a house with a guest room for long visits and another to buy a house with an attached apartment for someone who'll only be there for a number of months. Just some food for thought....