Letter to my son's Asst. Principal re: paddling UPDATED Pg 14!

[crashbb]

Just curious - did you know about the policy (paddling) before this incident?

The concept is just so foreign to me (padding in schools), that I'm wondering how it works? Is it clearly stated to you at the beginning of the year? Or do they just assume that everyone knows it can/will happen?

I'd have sent a letter before my child even started school, that he was not to be paddled (after I got my jaw off the floor and examined all other schooling options).

I do have to agree with some of the PPs though, I think that your letter is too long. You are trying to address two separate issues whilst you should be focusing on one. Issue one is the fact that you do not want Paul paddled. The second issue is that you disagree with the idea of paddling in the school at all. Not that I disagree with issue two, I just think it should be addressed separately.

 

[happygirl]

OP, since your ds has had issues in the past causing him to write letters of apology, and since he seems to have problems with impulse control and personal space, have you considered having him evaluated for an underlying issue. I think finding the cause of these behaviors would help him a lot more than beating him, which I happen to think is cruel, and not effective. It sounds like he wants to behave, but can't.

How do you get that spanking him equates to beating him? I spank my children but I can straight up tell you that I'm not beating them

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

One of the biggest red flags is that the assistant principal was not even going to follow their own protocol. I can't see how this situation warrant physical punishment under even one of the guidelines they laid out: It was not voilent or egregious, he was never warned about it before, etc.

I was shocked to see my state on the list of states that allow paddling. It's unreal. I've posted on here before about my class (furniture being thrown/overturn, bitten to the poitn of drawing blood, etc.) They are tough and sometimes violent, and I would never even dream of paddling them, much less a six year old boy who doesn't even know what he is doing is wrong. And honestly, at six years old a raspberry on a tummy is not a big deal. Little kids do not come with built in personal boundaries, they must be taught. One conversation we have a lot is "school behavior" vs. "home behavior."

I would not change your letter in any way. As a teacher, it is important to me to know that I am backed up. I had some doubts about what was happening to the child who bites me after he bit me so bad I had to go see a doctor. But the mom wrote me a detailed note explaining what they were doing at home. It meant a lot to me as a teacher that I was being supported by the parents in this situation.

I would add that they are not allowed to spank your child. Leave a paper trail. I would also request to speak to them in person. If he is your only child and is in K this year, they may not know you well. It may help your cause to go in and reiterate that you support the school in everything but this particular issue. I would also ask them to clarify their policy as they do not seem to be following it. Best of luck.

 

[mjkacmom]

How do you get that spanking him equates to beating him? I spank my children but I can straight up tell you that I'm not beating them

Okay, maybe beating was too strong, but I believe no one except the parents has any right to spank a child. I've done butt swats, but if I found out another adult swatted my child, I'd be angry. The whole concept of paddling is so foreign to me, and I had no idea this was still acceptable in some areas.

 

[GEM]

OP, since your ds has had issues in the past causing him to write letters of apology, and since he seems to have problems with impulse control and personal space, have you considered having him evaluated for an underlying issue. I think finding the cause of these behaviors would help him a lot more than beating him, which I happen to think is cruel, and not effective. It sounds like he wants to behave, but can't.

Go back and read what I wrote. I never said anywhere that the letters of apology had anything to do with him touching other people. This is the first time he's ever been in trouble for that. I did say that he likes to be affectionate, but that we have worked hard on him knowing when and where that is appropriate. I said I had him write apologies for "various classroom behavior issues". The two letters of apology I had him write were for two different occasions when his teacher made notes on his daily sheet...

Once she reported he was "wiggly" during story time.

Once she reported he was "playing with the water in the bathroom sink during hand washing time".

On both of those occasions I had him sit down and write a letter of apology to his teacher. My whole reason for even mentioning that in the letter (and for having him write the notes in the first place) was to reinforce the idea that we as parents expect Paul to follow the rules and school and we will make sure that is clear to him through our actions at home.

That's it. Other than that, he's gotten a good behavior report every day of kindergarten.

So, while I thank you for your thoughts, I don't think that those two instances of minor issues and this one instance of inappropriate play at recess add up to any kind of underlying issue in a six year old kindergarten student.

 

[Kimickey]

Maybe Im a bit naive but I just black out reading that the principal threatned to paddled your son.

Several things don't sit with me too well.

1. He's six years old and here is where my being naive comes in "he's a freaking child" who wanted to play innocently! He didn't punch the little girl, slap her, kick her, spit on her. He was playing innocently with her, tickled and gave her a zerbert on the stomach. I understand that his play may be unwanted and even inappropriate but...

2. They want to "punish" this child by either paddling him or making him loose recess three times the following week for "playing". I find this to be a bit severe!

3. It sounds as if the the principal was using threats to get a reaction out of this child.

I may be out of balance here, but I find all of this to be extreme. As a mother of a six year old myself, if DS did this at school I would hope his teacher would call me and talk to me about it, not going for the gusto and try to cream him. I then would sit down and talk to DS about what's appropriate play and what's not.

This child is only doing and showing affection what he's been shown at home...innocent affection. Give me a break people!

One day some young lady will love for him to tickle and play with her affectionately (ok thats a whole other story)

 

[janette]

I was shocked when I learned corporal punishment was still legal in TX too; I just didn't think it legal anywhere. Thankfully none of the schools the girls were allowed it.

I think your letter is fine; maybe a little too long. I have to go back and edit anything like that several times to get all the extra out and to keep your message clear.

I'd make sure that they have in bold letters across his file he is not to be paddled; under any circumstances. Let his teachers also know this and double check it every year.

I'd take the debate of allowing the punishment to the school board; there are probably plenty of parents that don't know about this. Are you part of PTA? Might be a good place to start a petition to at least get it stopped in your school district.

The principal can't change the rules; if you say he can't spank your child he has to stop and he can choose not to use corporal punishment in his school but sounds like if he was ready to threaten Paul (who I can't imagine a more non threatening student) he is ready and willing to use it.

Hard to believe that Paul is in school already; good to hear that he is doing well except being a little too friendly.

 

[gracie1]

This is a touchy subject because everyone has different beliefs. I personally believe that paddling should be allowed in the school system and they need to be allowed to discipline children. I know when I was in school I got paddled and I am not tramatized for it. Nowadays the kids don't have to worry about their behavior because the schools can't discipline them.

In conjuction to sending a letter to the principal, I think that you should also send a letter to the parents of the little girl. Or even call them and apologize. Even though you say the little girl was laughing and giggling the parents could be upset.

 

[tink_lover]

As another mom who has had to raise a boy who was sometimes a bit overly friendly (even in a kind way), sometimes a bit too wiggly in class, and loved to play in the water at the boys bathroom - perhaps he should be evaluated for an underlying cause. I know you have said it has only happened a couple of times, but that may only be a couple of times that you have been notified. Also, we were doing our own version of punishment at home after these incidents - no TV, Nintendo, etc. After a while, I re-evaluated that. He was being punished at school where the behavior occurred. Our house became a lot more positive after we relaxed that rule. One last thing - for a boy that likes to move, sitting against a tree during recess for 3 days is probably not a good idea. One thing the school came up with (with our agreement) is having ds do an appropriate punishment that involves movement.

 

[BLTtinkerbell]

Here's what the handbook for the primary school (which is K and 1st grade only) says on the subject...


CORPORAL PUNISHMENT

Corporal Punishment is to be avoided if at all possible. However, should such punishment become necessary, it may be administered by any employee of the district to any pupil for disruptive or unmanageable conduct; insubordination; profane, violent, vulgar, or insulting language or any other conduct that would tend to disrupt the educational process.

The Board directs that corporal (physical) punishment, when deemed necessary, will be administered according to the following requirements:

1. Except for those acts of misconduct which are so antisocial or disruptive in nature as to shock the conscience, corporal punishment shall not be administered unless an attempt has been made to modify the pupil's behavior by some means other than corporal punishment and unless the pupil has been told that a continuation or repetition of his behavior may lead to corporal punishment.

2. It will be administered in the presence of at least one certified employee as a witness who shall be advised in the presence of the student the reason for the punishment.

3. It will not be administered in the presence of other students, nor in a spirit of malice or anger, nor will it be unusually excessive.

4. It will be administered to the lower posterior only.

5. Prior to the administration of corporal punishment, the student receiving the corporal punishment shall be given an explanation of the reasons for the punishment and be given an opportunity to refute the charges.

6. Refusal to take corporal punishment will result in suspension.

7. The principal will be notified when it is administered, and a written report signed by the employee administering the corporal punishment stating the reason for the punishment and the name of the witness.

8. The parent shall be informed in writing of the reasons for the punishment and the name of the witness.



Nothing at all about parental permission or notification until AFTER the punishment has taken place.

This makes me feel sick. I would never let anyone hit my children. We don't hit them at home, so it would not be ok for an adult at school to hit them.

I have worked with children for many years as a preschool teacher & kindergarten assistant teacher. I can't imagine hitting a child in my care or sending a child to the office to be spanked. That makes me feel sick thinking about it. It is wrong to hit a child! What lesson do they learn from that? And they want to hit OP's son for touching another person's body. Talk about confusing. I am sorry to hear that any school still considers it ok to hit a child.

Children should be protected from this type of punishment.

I need to think about something else now to get my mind off of this.
Have a nice day!

 

[GEM]

This is a touchy subject because everyone has different beliefs. I personally believe that paddling should be allowed in the school system and they need to be allowed to discipline children. I know when I was in school I got paddled and I am not tramatized for it. Nowadays the kids don't have to worry about their behavior because the schools can't discipline them.

In conjuction to sending a letter to the principal, I think that you should also send a letter to the parents of the little girl. Or even call them and apologize. Even though you say the little girl was laughing and giggling the parents could be upset.

First, you seem to think that paddling is the only form of discipline available to schools. There are certainly lots of other methods out there. Just because we don't spank, that certainly doesn't mean we don't discipline. My parents certainly never hit us, but you better believe we are disciplined and respected authority. No question.

Second, I have no idea who the little girl is. She isn't in his class. They just happened to be playing together at recess yesterday. Paul doesn't even know her name...which isn't surprising for a kindergarten student, especially a boy. They just don't seem to pay much attention to that sort of thing. I don't even know if her parents were notified. I did ask the principal who it was, but he said he couldn't tell me due to privacy rules, which, makes sense to me. I'm sure he wasn't allowed to tell her parents who the boy involved was either, if they were contacted. I know that when Paul was kicked by another student at recess (came home with a HUGE bruise on his lower back that hurt for days) the teacher was not allowed to tell me the child's name or what was done about it, and of course Paul didn't know his name either.

 

[GEM]

As another mom who has had to raise a boy who was sometimes a bit overly friendly (even in a kind way), sometimes a bit too wiggly in class, and loved to play in the water at the boys bathroom - perhaps he should be evaluated for an underlying cause. I know you have said it has only happened a couple of times, but that may only be a couple of times that you have been notified. Also, we were doing our own version of punishment at home after these incidents - no TV, Nintendo, etc. After a while, I re-evaluated that. He was being punished at school where the behavior occurred. Our house became a lot more positive after we relaxed that rule. One last thing - for a boy that likes to move, sitting against a tree during recess for 3 days is probably not a good idea. One thing the school came up with (with our agreement) is having ds do an appropriate punishment that involves movement.

I know this is kind of taking this in a whole separate direction, and I don't mean to do that....but this really bothers me for several reasons. Six year olds, particularly boys, are sometimes wiggly. They sometimes do silly things without thinking. But, really, my son is not a discipline problem. He does not have "problems with impulse control". His two other minor issues were not even a big enough deal for his teacher to have him "pull a card", which he has never done yet. He has never even had to sit in "the thinking chair", which is their version of time-out. He gets consistently good discipline reports, except for those two very minor issues. His teacher reported no concerns or problems at our conference. She marked "advanced" on everything, including all the stuff related to behavior, focus, etc.

Seriously, if this child has an underlying issue.....so does every other six year old I've ever met in my life, including all of the kids I observe when I go to read to his class and eat with him in the cafeteria once a week.

He's a good kid and a good student who has only had three problems in three months of kindergarten...

-Being wiggly once during story time.
-Playing in the water once during hand washing time.
-Touching another student once during silly play at recess.

That's it. To suggest that he may have some sort of "condition" just seems way over over the top to me. He's six. He's learning how to behave. He's learning what is acceptable and what isn't and why. Every once in a great while he slips up.

 

[lsyorke]

This is a touchy subject because everyone has different beliefs. I personally believe that paddling should be allowed in the school system and they need to be allowed to discipline children. I know when I was in school I got paddled and I am not tramatized for it. Nowadays the kids don't have to worry about their behavior because the schools can't discipline them.

So inappropriate physical touching is disciplined by inappropriate physical touching.....hmm....not much education going on there.

 

[phamton]

I would leave out the 3rd paragraph. I wouldn't mention studies or statistics. I would only do that if I was making a case against corporal punishment with the school board. For a personal situation, I recommend that you focus on the fact that you don't want your son to be paddled. Be very specific in that.

I totally agree. Leave out the laws in other states and the reason that corporal punishment shouldn't be used. I'm sure that the principal is well aware of the laws in other states. And as far as views on whether spankings or paddlings or good or bad for a child, I'd leave that out to. You won't be convincing him with that argument. Parents who spank are very seldom convinced it is wrong by psychological research.

 

[dalt01]

not taking sides..............but..............i remember being grabbed by the lapels and thrown up against a wall by a teacher............and other incidents.........didnt like it very much..........and my dad saying......well you must have deserved it..........times have changed............look on the bright side.............it would seem that DS will be very popular with the ladys when he grows up....................

 

[VillageMama]

I think this illustrates how quickly our society has begun seeking a diagnosis of a disorder for very natural young child behavior... especially in boys.

My mother tried to diagnose my (then) six year old son as being ADHD because he was wiggly. I know she thinks I'm one of those "Not my child!" mothers because I rejected her diagnosis.

Lots of little boys are active, without being hyper-active. They may even have times of being extremely active, without it being a brain disorder. I'm glad that help is available for those children whose brains are wired in such a way that they are unable to calm themselves.

But in a desire to fit the child to the environment, rather than fit the environment to the child, I think we've lost track of what normal little boys are like.

 

[RitaZ.]

To suggest that he may have some sort of "condition" just seems way over over the top to me. He's six. He's learning how to behave. He's learning what is acceptable and what isn't and why. Every once in a great while he slips up.

It is over the top. You have to keep in mind that many posters on the DIS like to dissect every little detail and find significant meaning in it. When none can be found, an underlying disability must be at the root of the problem and counseling should be sought ASAP.

GEM, you sound like a rational and proactive parent. Your son is in K. Based on what you wrote, I don't see anything that indicates that his behavior is out of control. He is learning about impulse control, appropriate and inappropriate behavior. Just focus on writing your letter. Set up a meeting with the assistant principal to let him know how serious you are about this. I believe he will comply with your request.

 

[GEM]

I think this illustrates how quickly our society has begun seeking a diagnosis of a disorder for very natural young child behavior... especially in boys.

My mother tried to diagnose my (then) six year old son as being ADHD because he was wiggly. I know she thinks I'm one of those "Not my child!" mothers because I rejected her diagnosis.

Lots of little boys are active, without being hyper-active. They may even have times of being extremely active, without it being a brain disorder. I'm glad that help is available for those children whose brains are wired in such a way that they are unable to calm themselves.

But in a desire to fit the child to the environment, rather than fit the environment to the child, I think we've lost track of what normal little boys are like.

I agree completely. As I said before, though, that doesn't mean that I don't expect my son to behave and follow the rules, and it certainly doesn't mean I won't discipline him when he messes up. But, I do agree with everything you said.

 

[dis-happy]

I would seriously take a look at homeschooling. You said your son is social and loves school, but newsflash: homeschoolers don't sit at home alone all the time. Here we have music classes, art classes, sports classes, language classes, science co-ops, etc, etc. I wish some days I were just sitting at home for once. Plus, you get to be the biggest influence your child's life, not a teacher, a paddling principal, or other students who may (or may not) be behaving.

As upsetting as your situation is, I'd be looking at all education alternatives starting with some local homeschool groups.

 

[GEM]

It is over the top. You have to keep in mind that many posters on the DIS like to dissect every little detail and find significant meaning in it. When none can be found, an underlying disability must be at the root of the problem and counseling should be sought ASAP.

GEM, you sound like a rational and proactive parent. Your son is in K. Based on what you wrote, I don't see anything that indicates that his behavior is out of control. He is learning about impulse control, appropriate and inappropriate behavior. Just focus on writing your letter. Set up a meeting with the assistant principal to let him know how serious you are about this. I believe he will comply with your request.

Thanks. I really appreciate the reassurance. Honestly, as I said, I have no problems with the school, other than the question of corporal punishment. I love Paul's teacher. She's been absolutely great with him. And, I've met the assistant principal several times. He seems like a nice, professional guy. He's simply carrying out an approved method of punishment by the district. It just happens to be a method that I have a HUGE problem with. That's why I tried to be very careful in my letter not to attack him, his professionalism, etc. I wanted to come across as calm, rational, and supportive of the school...because I genuinely am all of those things. I promise!

I don't expect to hear anything back over the weekend, of course, but I will let everyone know what comes of the email. Thanks again for all the insights, ideas, and thoughts.