Lets talk about our teenagers!

[LisaNJ25]

OK, here's a teen question. Am I the only one who follows the rules for teens driving? Here in NJ, when you get your license, you are only suppose to drive with only one unrelated teen in the car. Among my older son's friends, I'm the only one who thinks about this.

Am I just being too responsible? I have told my son that if they do get stopped, I'm not lifting a finger to do anything about it.

My son is getting a car soon so I need to set some rules.

Actually they have to live in your house.. so if they are related and live elsewhere thats there 1 person.

I am going though this now with my son and sister. My sister is 17 and a senior. She just got her license. She takes my son to school and thats it since he counts as her 1 person. Even though they are related they dont live in the same house.

Since we held him back when he was younger he will be able to get him license Oct of his junior year. We may make him hold off until the end of his junior year to get it.

 

[mamacatnv]

Thank you for starting this thread.

This week has been really rough with DS. Nothing permanent. Nothing dangerous. Just really rough. Many, MANY, little things have coincided to damage his 2Q grades. They all hit at once and the end result is that he won't be eligible for NHS.

BFD. I know. In the grand scheme of things, of course, I know it could be A LOT worse. It just painful to watch someone torpedo his own potential.

I agree it is a BFD for us, not necessarily for our teens. We are adults, we see the big picture, the kids don't. Our priorities are not necessarily theirs and sometimes I think they drop the ball on purpose just to prove it. They can unknowingly be quite spiteful to prove their anonymity. We have to accept it and move on. There is nothing you can do about it now and dwelling on it (which is something I constantly have to address with myself) will not fix it. It is over and done.

My DS's counselor said something to my DS that actually sunk in. He told him. "you are smart, you are in the top 5% of the student body, you are lazy and have no drive. We can teach you all kinds of things, but we cannot teach you drive and ambition, that is something you will need to look inside yourself and either pull out or not. It is up to you, we can't teach you that."

Tough words to hear...........I am still not sure if they made a difference in the short term, but I think he heard them and they will make a difference in the long term.

 

[Christine]

I have a 16 y/o DD who is fairly lazy. She was doing very poorly this past quarter and I instituted some SEVERE restrictions. Amazingly, she started getting A's on her math quizzes and all over pulling things up. Why I continue to have to go through this "back and forth" angst with her, I do not know?

She's been driving on her own since November and it has been a real "nail biting" time for me. BTW, we do follow all the driving rules. She never has more than one person in her car and we make her stick to curfew. But I am constantly amazed at the number of parents who just don't enforce these rules.

My DD has not done any real dating, even at 16, even though she is *really* cute and has a real outgoing personality. She is immature and I think that's part of it. Anyway, for the first time in her life, she actually has a "real" boyfriend and yesterday was their one week anniversary. I haven't met him yet as he lives pretty far from us, but he seems like a nice kids from all that I hear. He's told my DD that he's a virgin and for some reason my DD decided to share that little jewel of information with me.

So, we'll see how it all goes. My biggest concern here is for her to at least get into an "away from home" college. I think she really needs that experience but I'm not sure how her substandard grades will affect this.

My son is 13, is really still such a sweetheart and I rarely get an ounce of trouble from him. He is a much better student than my DD and cares more about his performance. But he can be very scatterbrained and he's got a fairly severe case of ADHD but it seems to be very well controlled. He's just horribly disorganized these days but his attention span is so much better than when he was in the lower grades.

 

[lucyanna girl]

Oh, Thank Goodness some of you took the time to join in. You would think that since Sarah is our youngest I would be more prepared for this stage. Maybe it's because she is my baby and my only girl (two step-daughters, but they have a wonderful mother).

Sarah will be seventeen in July. She is a sophomore because we intentionally held her back a year while she was in pre-school. I think it has been a really good choice for her.

She had a friend-boy last year but they were really just two friends who bonded for safety. That way they escaped the pressures of the "who's going with who" thing. Now, she has fallen really hard for a boy. He seems to have fallen just as hard for her. They enjoy many of the same things, music, LSU ball games, etc. Sarah really likes the fact that he is smart enough to have real discussions with. Many of her friends get an "I don't get it" look on their faces too often. I'm not trying to say she is soo smart, just that she has grown up around older brothers and sisters and traveled enough to be a little more well-rounded.

I really hope they remember what they have been taught about respect, both for each other and for themselves. I think they are. She is on the recruiting committee for the abstinence club at school and he made a promise in church to not have sex before marriage. They sure like to snuggle and cuddle on the coach in the living room (we don't make her room strictly off limits but I have asked her to enforce a "no-touch" zone in there). I do allow them to close the door when they are watching television in the living room but they also know that I may (and frequently do) walk in at any time.

Sarah has always been at the very top of her class but this year she is struggling a little with Honors Geometry. I'm really hoping Her boy friend will be a solution to this. He is always number one in their class and is a super good math student. I told her if she didn't pick it up the first thing to go would be her social life. Now I walk in on them and he is quizzing her on the math.

My only real complaint about them is that they would gladly spend every single moment together. I can understand how they feel, I just wonder where to draw the line. DH is also very fond of this boy and we all enjoy having him around. In fact. if nothing changes, he will go with us when we rent a house in Orlando this summer for two weeks. Our older children and their families are also going and there will be plenty of chaperones. He will sleep on one floor of the house, she on another, both with a room-mate for a safety net.

As for driving, I wish the driving age were twenty-one, I really do. We live in a small town. I truly don't know how those of you who live in a city with all the traffic and Interstates can stand it.

Please keep coming and help me through this period of her {and my} life.
Maybe together we can ease their way and ours too.

Penny

 

[mvazul]

Question about discipline...

My son really does not care - or acts as if he doesn't - when we discipline and stick to consequences to his actions. Thankfully, we don't have to do it too much anymore. But there are times. He does not have a Playstation, XBox, etc. Also, he is not allowed on the computer except to do his homework (Word, PowerPoint, etc.). That is what works for our family. But, that also means there is nothing to take away for punishment. He does have a GameBoy and an iPod. Both of those were taken away a couple months ago for lying to us. He just got his iPod back. But, even though these things have been taken away, he doesn't care. He will just read more. Any ideas on how to get through to him?

Also, he has no motivation. Unless, of course, it's something he wants to do. He takes two hours to do the dishes. And that is on a night with 4 plates, silverware and one pot. God forbid I cooked with more than one pot or pan. He is sooooooo slooooowww. We have to practically threaten him to brush his teeth and take a shower. He will have basketball practice and not take a shower unless we make him. It's gross. Is this just a boy/teenager thing? If it is, I certainly hope he outgrows it very soon.

Thankfully, we won't have to worry about driving for another 5 years. Pennsylvania has bumped the driving age to 18.

Anyway....any help would be appreciated.

Michelle

 

[powellrj]

we are on our second time around with a teen. Our oldest is 24 and he was very very challenging to say the least. Our middle DS is now 16 and while he isn't perfect and can be a handful, after his DB, he is a piece of cake.

Part of the problem with our first was both DH and I were pretty good kids and we had no experience with the things he was doing. If there was a hard way to do things, our oldest DS was going to do things that way.

Our DS got his license in September and just got past his 90 days a month ago. We followed the states rules about no extra passengers and now he can drive other kids, which has been nice so he can pick up his DSis.

The one thing we didn't want to do was have him work in high school. Well, he made show choir and between the choir fees and car insurance, he had to get a job. I am shocked at how well he is doing. His grades went up this year from last year even taking harder classes. It seems that the job has given him the drive he needed to do better. He has made some really good friends at his job and I have seen an improvement in his grades and temperament.

 

[MoniqueU]

My son will be 15 in April. I am actually counting down the months til he drives. We really need another driver. We also have the law about no kids in the car til you have had your license for one year. But if I need him to take his sisters somewhere so be it. I feel other then maybe spacing out he will be a good driver. He is not one to push the limits.

No girlfriend yet, just mild flirting at school. I can deal with that.

He goes to a small private school with about 500 students. He plays football and tried wrestling this year and got a couple of injuries so he is on the bench now but that is ok with him. All the kids he has introduced me to are just great kids. I have no problems and there doesn't seem to be alot of drinking or partying going on at his school which is way different then the local public school.

He is a great brother and very easy to be around. The only thing we go around about is grades. I would like him to try harder and be more diligent but he just doesnt have the internal motivation. I am hoping that will change.

All in all great kid. I actually LOVE teenagers. It is so much easier for me then when they all were young. Things come up from time to time but nothing I haven't been able to deal with so far.

My 11 year old DD on the other hand. OMG try going bra shopping with her at VS and she won't even talk to the sales girl and the things she IM's me. She is probably going to kill me in her teen years. I am bracing myself now.

 

[Hypermommy]

Question about discipline... My son really does not care - or acts as if he doesn't -

OMG!!! I thoguht mine was the only one!!! I know exactly what you mean.... mine will play video games all the time, but now that he's restricted from TV and video games, he just read the last Harry Potter book and is looking for something else to read. I'm glad he's reading, but the whole idea of punishment is to prompt him to change his behavior and I don't see how that's going to happen if he doesn't care.

 

[KarenB]

I have two DSs-a college freshman and a HS senior. I am now at the stage where I am hoping they take everything DH and I have tried to teach them and use it. They are having their first experiences of being around people that drink and they are hearing about drug use and people they knnow. It is a small town that we live in and this seems to be everywhere. We are very open with DSs about these issues and have talked a lot about making god decisions. Now we just hope they make them!!!

Thanks for letting lending a shoulder!
Karen

 

[Robinrs]

My son just turned 15. My biggest problem with him... explaining GIRLS!!!... and why for one week out of the month they are soooooo strange....

Today his latest flame was the PMS witch from heck. He was totally confused? He told me he can't understand why she acts like that when she wears her "sweat pants"....hooboy...

The problem with him is he has ONE mood, joyful. He is always...literally ALWAYS...the same. So moody people confuse him... especially women...???

I'm a single parent so I have him talking to his godfather this weekend...no, not Don Corleone, my best friend's, his godmother's husband. He is the only male I know I'll TRUST talking to him about females... all the others I know will get too creepy.

Hopefully he'll figure women out. Right now he has a slew of them trying to get his attention. His reaction... he's a male, he's clueless. I try to tell him but what do I know... I haven't been a girl in EONS!!!

 

[bballmom56]

OK, here's a teen question. Am I the only one who follows the rules for teens driving? Here in NJ, when you get your license, you are only suppose to drive with only one unrelated teen in the car. Among my older son's friends, I'm the only one who thinks about this.

Am I just being too responsible? I have told my son that if they do get stopped, I'm not lifting a finger to do anything about it.

My son is getting a car soon so I need to set some rules.

My son (who is now 19) always followed the rules on the NJ restricted license. There was the passenger rule and the curfew of midnight. I loved the curfew because it wasn't ME who made that rule! He told me stories of his friends who did really stupid things (accidents, overloaded cars, etc) and even he felt they were really stupid!

 

[TrixieBel]

THANK YOU for starting this thread. Can't even imagine where to start. Our kids are almost all in their teen years and each have their own "issues" - sometimes the fact that we're all "unique" is not so good...

Our oldest DD is 16yrs and will be 17yrs this year. She's in her second last year of high school. Great grades - top maths class, top english class, top science class etc. She's a talented dancer as well, and takes at least 3 classes a week. She works part-time as a "check out chick" at our local supermarket. She's tidy and polite.

She's going out with her 2nd formal (I don't want to say "serious" in case that has "connotations") boyfriend who is 18yrs old and just finished high school with just "ok" grades and seems to have no idea what he's going to do with his life. He seems like a nice enough young man who we allowed to come camping with us for 2 weeks over the Christmas period - he just has no plans . I know that he and his friends drink (but then the legal age here in Australia is 18yrs, so they're legally allowed to!). Our DD doesn't always hang out with him and his friends, she spends equal time still hanging out with her group of girlfriends, but we know that my DD and her girlfriends drink when they have sleepovers - she pretty much won't ever have a sleepover at our house because she knows that we wouldn't stand for it.

So, our dilemma is that we can't complain that her social life is affecting her grades etc - because it doesn't. We're also reluctant to stop allowing her to socialise with her group of friends cause they're actually a lovely group of girls and all get good grades and have plans etc. My DH and I are generally just confused about what to do in almost every decision we're asked to make with her... It's so nice to have somewhere to go now - and great to see that others are just as confused as us...

Our other 2 kids are a DD who is going to be 15yrs in a couple of months. She has Down Syndrome and so the issues we face are far different for us and her... Our DS is 12yrs and will be 13yrs in a few months - we call him the absent-minded professor - huge intellectual potential and NO DRIVE , but he's pretty much "flying under the radar" right now, although I'm sure that'll change!

That's it for now!

 

[Patricia]

We have been through the teen years with our older DD, soon to be 22, and we are in them with second DD, just turned 18, and we will be entering them again with our DS, now 12.

The road with the girls has been relatively easy. They did not challenge our rules too much at all. I tried very hard to remember what it felt like to be that age and made most decisions with them involved. Of course, I don't think they really challenged me... except with the after prom dilemna we are now facing. DD 18 wants to go with her friends to a beach town after prom, rent a house for the weekend, and basically have what she sees as a great time. Her group of friends, although not saints, are really very good kids. I am sick at the thought of her going to this house, not because of the friends she is bringing with her to the house in which they are staying, because of the crowd in the town. It attracts SO many kids after prom.. so much potential for things to spin out of control. I want to say no, but I don't want to have to say no, you know what I mean? I hate to ruin the prom weekend for her... I just wish they could all go somewhere else, rent a place and spend it just with the group they are used to being with...

BTW, we enforced the driving rules of no one in the car for both girls. This past year, while my daughter was on the restricted license, our area lost 9, yes 9, teens to careless driving with too many kids in the car. My DD never even asked after the first accident was in the paper. It was a tough year for parents of driving teens here.

 

[Hypermommy]

Hi all,

I just had to crow a little. I should have written it this morning before I checked on DS14's grades (he's now writing a five page report about Canada becuase he couldn't seem to turn in his schoolwork regarding Canada). But be that as it may, he really impressed me last night.

Last summer we were in Boy Scout Troop X down here. And he got sent home from summer camp becuase of fighting and trying to light a fire near his tent. He was suspended from the troop for three months. When he was let back in it was on a probationary basis. Right about that time I decided I was tired of driving across town to be in this troop and wanted to be back in Troop Y. Well, Troop Y's committee had heard about all of the stuff at summer camp and didn't know if they wanted him back. Plus they'd grown up with him being in Cub Pack Y and just wasn't sure they could take him on again. So last night he had to go to the Troop Y committee meeting and ask if he could be let back into the troop.

I was soooooo proud of him. He stood there like a man fielding some very tough questions about how he'd changed and how he thought he'd matured over the past year (that's how long it's been since we were with Troop Y). He was so mature and self-confident seeming and well spoken and everything and I was soooooo proud of him. Afterwards he told me he was very nervous but it didn't show at all. I was just sooooooooo proud of him.

Just had to share with you guys.... I guess there are glimpses of light at the end of the tunnel now and again

Oh, I forgot to tell you that the Scoutmaster called this morning and said he was back in Troop Y on a six month probation. I was so concerned about this before the meeting but after hearing him speak, I didn't really much care any more. I was that impressed with how he handled himself.

 

[LiteBrite]

I've only got one child, and she's 20, so I'm not really eligibile for this thread, but I'd just like to offer you all a great big hug and say hang in there!

 

[golfgal]

Another mom of teens, we have DS15 1/2 and our twins will be 13 in March. DS15 is also a lazy student. He isn't very social so girls aren't a big deal yet. He has his permit and will drive some but isn't all that interested in doing so. I do know that he will have this in the car when he does get his license www.teensafedriver.com .

So far so good with the twins though. They are pretty level headed kids with good self motivation. Hopefully that continues. They are much more social so we will be dealing with those issues when they come but for now they don't have any interest in the boy-girl thing.

 

[disneygals]

You know what is helping me, I think, with these teen years? The fact that I wasn't a perfect teenager by any stretch of the imagination!And so on. It's hard....it really is....but remembering how I was has really helped me keep things in perspective.

Yep, me too! Only that's what scares me more. I tell my oldest dd15 yes, I trust you, I trust you to get in trouble and make wrong decisions. Her biggest challenge is school. Everything else is good. She turns 16 this summer.

I have a 13dd, so far, so good! and an 11dd whos is doing fine, too.

 

[lucyanna girl]

My son just turned 15. My biggest problem with him... explaining GIRLS!!!... and why for one week out of the month they are soooooo strange....

Today his latest flame was the PMS witch from heck. He was totally confused? He told me he can't understand why she acts like that when she wears her "sweat pants"....hooboy...

The problem with him is he has ONE mood, joyful. He is always...literally ALWAYS...the same. So moody people confuse him... especially women...???

I'm a single parent so I have him talking to his godfather this weekend...no, not Don Corleone, my best friend's, his godmother's husband. He is the only male I know I'll TRUST talking to him about females... all the others I know will get too creepy.

Hopefully he'll figure women out. Right now he has a slew of them trying to get his attention. His reaction... he's a male, he's clueless. I try to tell him but what do I know... I haven't been a girl in EONS!!!

Robinrs, Good luck with explaining PMS to him, DD doesn't understand herself why she gets so moody then. I told my husband when I had my hysterectomy that it was a wonderful thing because two women having PMS at the same time could would be unbearable.

I tell Sarah's guy buddies they should learn to dance, at least enough to get by. So many of the boys in high school (and college, and adulthood) just will not dance with the girls. I tell them that if they will learn to dance they will never lack for female attention. Sarah and her girl pals all agree with this advice.

Penny

 

[rie'smom]

Oh, Thank Goodness some of you took the time to join in. You would think that since Sarah is our youngest I would be more prepared for this stage. Maybe it's because she is my baby and my only girl (two step-daughters, but they have a wonderful mother).

Penny

Our daughter is 13 and her brothers are 24 and 32, so I thought that her teen years would be a breeze. After all, our elder son was easy and our younger son was hard, so I had the gamut covered! Well, I thought WRONG. Girls are much much more challenging, at least in our experience.
OMG, drama 24/7 with her friends, with school. Boys get angry and get over it. Girls-UGH- It's no wonder men have ruled the world. If girls/women could or would cooperate, then we'd rule the world.

 

[lucyanna girl]

Our daughter is 13 and her brothers are 24 and 32, so I thought that her teen years would be a breeze. After all, our elder son was easy and our younger son was hard, so I had the gamut covered! Well, I thought WRONG. Girls are much much more challenging, at least in our experience.
OMG, drama 24/7 with her friends, with school. Boys get angry and get over it. Girls-UGH- It's no wonder men have ruled the world. If girls/women could or would cooperate, then we'd rule the world.

OMG! Except for the ages I could have written your post. I had one son who was so smooth and easy and the other was much harder. Then along came Miss Sarah, who is fourteen years younger than her closest brother.

Girls! The girls at her school can either be the sweetest things or little wenches. Sarah is kinda quiet so she doesn't often catch the flack thank goodness. You are just right. In fact Sarah, her friend boy and I had this conversation this week about boys just fighting and being best friends again the next day while girls stay mad forever.

It helps to know I'm not alone.

Penny