Let me have your honest opinion! Re: finances and husband

[Pacolovestacos]

So, let's look at the opposite. Husband makes a lot more than wife. How well do you think it would go over in most homes if husband said "I make more money so I get to decide" Really? I don't think that would play well in most homes.

DH has always made more than me (I was a SAHM for 14 years, but have been back at work for 20). He was making just about double what I made and he took a new job last year and his pay went up. He would never, ever say the bonus or pay or whatever is mostly mine and you can have a small percentage. I also pay the bills out of our joint account.

Ours is all joint and has been since day 1 (36 yrs married). We never say "my money". Our belief is, either you're all in or you aren't. If you aren't, there have to be ground rules and BOTH have to agree to them, period.

Whether it's a bonus or not is irrelevant. Some jobs pay bonuses every year regardless of performance which makes it part of the salary. Others are strictly performance based, but it's still income and in our case, household/family income.

The gender has nothing to do with anything. I'm a man and I'm siding with the OP who is a female. If the OP was a man and a similar story, I would side with him. If household expenses are paid and nobody is struggling, people can use their own paychecks to do whatever floats their boat.

 

[Christine]

But in this case, I don't think the OP is living a higher standard lifestyle than her husband. I think in all the past years, while she has earned more, he has enjoyed full benefit of that. It sounds like, this one time, she wants to take the money and do something for herself and he's a bit put off by it.

 

[punkin]

Why is no one considering that a husband may be put off by the fact that his wife wants plastic surgery? It's surgery people, complete with anesthesia, infection risk, and just plain botched procedure risk. I really don't see this in pure monetary terms. Then again, on a financial level I don't understand OP either. I don't work and DH supports me completely. Guess what, I just bought him a high end TV for Hanukkah with "his" money.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

But in this case, I don't think the OP is living a higher standard lifestyle than her husband. I think in all the past years, while she has earned more, he has enjoyed full benefit of that. It sounds like, this one time, she wants to take the money and do something for herself and he's a bit put off by it.

A) I don’t think it’s fair to assume they’re living equal lifestyles. While OP covers a larger portion of the house (in an expensive neighborhood of HER choosing) she also makes triple his salary. Even after expenses are covered, it’s quite likely her “play” fund exceeds his. I can say for a fact that if my wife made exactly 1/3 of my salary and only paid for the car, I would still have more left at the end of the month than she would. (Edit: after adding it all up, my play fund would be 2.5 times hers).

B) we don’t know what sort of sacrifices OP’s DH May (or may not have) made in order for OP to generate a salary triple his.

 

[ShirikiUtundu]

Hello - husband and I have been married for 20 plus years and have separate checking accounts.
We have completely different areas in which we spend money - I like couture clothing, handbags, and concerts (average one a week). He likes cars and dope. Our marriage works for us.

I pay the mortgage, taxes, household expenses etc and am happy to do so. I love living in downtown Chicago even though it is expensive, and I make almost triple what DH makes.

He pays for his car and insurance. So DH has lots of discretionary income to enjoy his hobbies.

So this year with my bonus, I am intending to spend all of it on plastic surgery for myself. I am turning 50 next year and want a little tuneup.
Well DH flipped out - and decided he wanted some cash and got pissed I "won't share". In years past, I have used the bonus towards household improvements, or a trip for us.
This year I don't need to do that - my employer is gifting me $10,000 towards a vacation to celebrate my 50th.
I know I am being selfish a bit, but this is something I have wanted to do for years.
For the record, my bonus is $25,000 and I have offered my DH $2,000 for him to do what he wants.
I have NEVER been one to say this is my money and you cant have any - because we are a team.
Except for this year.
So - what say you? Let me have it! I won't say you are picking on me - looking for the other side here. My friends support what I am doing - but is there something I am missing??

I would hate to give in to someone who is being childish but at the same time if you are getting what is essentially a $35K bonus for one year, and you each make a lot of money - wouldn't that mean there's enough money for you to do what you want and to give him more? Surely there is plenty in savings if all this spending is going on.

 

[Pacolovestacos]

...While OP covers a larger portion of the house.....

She's not covering a "larger portion of the house," she's covering the entire portion of the house. Per the OP (unless there is another post somewhere where she added information), the husband's salary is strictly for cars and dope.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

She's not covering a "larger portion of the house," she's covering the entire portion of the house. Per the OP (unless there is another post somewhere where she added information), the husband's salary is strictly for cars and dope.

You’re splitting hairs & it changes NOTHING in my math.

 

[Christine]

A) I don’t think it’s fair to assume they’re living equal lifestyles. While OP covers a larger portion of the house (in an expensive neighborhood of HER choosing) she also makes triple his salary. Even after expenses are covered, it’s quite likely her “play” fund exceeds his. I can say for a fact that if my wife made exactly 1/3 of my salary and only paid for the car, I would still have more left at the end of the month than she would. (Edit: after adding it all up, my play fund would be 2.5 times hers).

B) we don’t know what sort of sacrifices OP’s DH May (or may not have) made in order for OP to generate a salary triple his.

We'll never really know, but paying for a house payment, versus a car payment, seems like quite an imbalance. While she makes triple, she may also pay out triple based on what she listed. Percentage-wise, they may actually having close to the same amount of discretionary income.

As for what sacrifices he made, we only have the OP to go on. Based on what the OP said upthread (and I may be confusing the DH with another poster) sounds like he chose to stay where he is because he's comfortable.

 

[bdcp]

The gender has nothing to do with anything. I'm a man and I'm siding with the OP who is a female. If the OP was a man and a similar story, I would side with him. If household expenses are paid and nobody is struggling, people can use their own paychecks to do whatever floats their boat.

I think you missed my point. It wasn't about gender perse. It was about what would happen in the reverse situation? I've seen enough threads about money and know enough about life to know that a wife who was told the money was "his" because "he earns more" would be less than happy with that answer. Do you get it now?

 

[Gumbo4x4]

We'll never really know, but paying for a house payment, versus a car payment, seems like quite an imbalance. While she makes triple, she may also pay out triple based on what she listed. Percentage-wise, they may actually having close to the same amount of discretionary income.

As for what sacrifices he made, we only have the OP to go on. Based on what the OP said upthread (and I may be confusing the DH with another poster) sounds like he chose to stay where he is because he's comfortable.

Even if her household expenses are 10X his car expenses, that’s no guarantee he’s left with as much discretionary income as she has.

In my house, the “house expense” is roughly 8 times the car expense (based on the one car we have with a note, plus insurance, gas, and maintenance). Yet, as I explained upstream, were my wife’s salary 1/3 mine and her only expense the car, I’d still have 2.5x the $ left at month end that she would.

Let’s just do the math. The average bonus is 11% base salary. We have no way of knowing if OP gets an average bonus, but assuming she does, that’s roughly $227,000 in salary for her and $75,500 for her husband. Assuming each brings home 65%, that’s $147,550 for her & $49,075 for him. Let’s say $800/month for car expenses and let’s just make her home expense 10X that, so $8,000/month.

That would leave him $39,475 in fun money, and it would leave her with $51,550.


And yes, we do know he chose to stay put. We don’t know if his choice to do so helps her or not. We do know she chose a more expensive neighborhood than he would prefer. So, if we’re being “fair”, a portion of her “household expenses” could honestly fall under the “OP’s personal luxuries” category.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I think you missed my point. It wasn't about gender perse. It was about what would happen in the reverse situation? I've seen enough threads about money and know enough about life to know that a wife who was told the money was "his" because "he earns more" would be less than happy with that answer. Do you get it now?

Yeah, if I told my wife that, my stuff would be in the yard by sundown LOL

 

[Pacolovestacos]

I think you missed my point. It wasn't about gender perse. It was about what would happen in the reverse situation? I've seen enough threads about money and know enough about life to know that a wife who was told the money was "his" because "he earns more" would be less than happy with that answer. Do you get it now?

I got your point and I'm just flat out telling you that you're mistaken. The wife isn't telling the husband that her money is hers. She's saying she's going to take her bonus and use it to get plastic surgery. Adults are allowed to take their paychecks and spend on it whatever they want. There are no rules that say otherwise.

 

[Pacolovestacos]

Yeah, if I told my wife that, my stuff would be in the yard by sundown LOL

Yea that only happens in the movies, lol.

You’re splitting hairs & it changes NOTHING in my math.

Then your math is fuzzy.

 

[mamacatnv]

I got your point and I'm just flat out telling you that you're mistaken. The wife isn't telling the husband that her money is hers. She's saying she's going to take her bonus and use it to get plastic surgery. Adults are allowed to take their paychecks and spend on it whatever they want. There are no rules that say otherwise.

I can tell you that in my house, where DH and I have resided together for 30 years, there absolutely ARE rules regarding paychecks and many other things.

 

[Pacolovestacos]

I can tell you that in my house, where DH and I have resided together for 30 years, there absolutely ARE rules regarding paychecks and many other things.

Those are "fantasy" rules, not actual legal rules.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Yea that only happens in the movies, lol.



Then your math is fuzzy.

A) Hah!

B) Nope

 

[Christine]

I got your point and I'm just flat out telling you that you're mistaken. The wife isn't telling the husband that her money is hers. She's saying she's going to take her bonus and use it to get plastic surgery. Adults are allowed to take their paychecks and spend on it whatever they want. There are no rules that say otherwise.

In this particular case, I agree with you. Only because the couple in this situation seemed to be high earners and have a TON of discretionary income. Honestly, in this case, I think it's absolutely fine for the OP, this year, to take this particular bonus and use it on something to spruce herself up.

In most other cases, I probably wouldn't agree with it because that sort of attitude can be financially reckless. My cousin was in a marriage where she stayed home with the kids and he worked (a lot). One year he got a holiday bonus. He never even told her. She found the paystub cleaning out the car. When she asked about it he said that it was his bonus as he was the one out busting his butt (yes, he was) and he wanted to buy some hunting gear. Now, had they had a ton of discretionary income, as the OP does, it probably wouldn't have hit her radar, but since they were barely making ends meet, it was a problem. They are no longer married.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Those are "fantasy" rules, not actual legal rules.

If part of your fantasy is remaining married, then those rules are pretty important.

 

[bdcp]

If part of your fantasy is remaining married, then those rules are pretty important.

That's very true in real life

 

[Pacolovestacos]

If part of your fantasy is remaining married, then those rules are pretty important.

I would never marry someone who feels she is entitled to half of my checks. I'm of the belief that once household expenses are covered, what's left on my checks is mine and what's left on her checks is hers. Period.

That doesn't mean I'm a scrooge either. I'm actually pretty generous and share quite a bit with family and friends. But I'll be damned if someone is going to "demand" half of my checks. Never gonna happen.