Let me have your honest opinion! Re: finances and husband

[starry_solo]

There are certain things each of us tends to decide -- including booking vacations---but the idea that'd I think since I normally decide where we'll vacation with a certain chunk of money (and I am always looking for what WE'll like) means that is my money to do as I please with and can suddenly desicde to spend it on some trip purely for myself and my mom (for example) leaving him out, is just not a thinkg I would ever consider.
Likewise, I would be hurt and angry if told me there was no vacation budget this year becuase he decided to do xyz thing for himself only.

Now, if there were something one of us truly wanted to do, we'd discuss. We'd look at how WE wanted to find the money for it (cut down on vacations, but maybe also on concert going, for example) and how WE could support one or the other's big wish.

I am saddened that so many fellow DISsers apparently think I am "greedy" because I have brought very little money into our relationship but still feel everything we have is pretty much equally ours.
DH and I knew when we got married just after obtaining degrees and his was engineering and mine was teachign that our income levels would be lopsided. Then we moved immediately to where HE got the best job offer, even though that meant I'd need another year to recertify in that state before I could even use my degree. Then we had kids and both agreed I would stay home with them (for many reasons--including that new teachers do not make much more than daycare and that his boss did not take well to peopel calling in sick to take care of ill children, so if I were home he'd never have to do that). we moved through 5 states chasing his career and at some point realized it was silly to put money and time towards me recertifiying in the new state only to move again before I could use it, then moved abroad where our visas did not even allow me to work for the first five years.
Luckily, DH, like Gumbo, does not see me as greedy or all of the money as "his" He sees the many ways I have contributed to our partnership, including the many ways I have made it possible for him to focus on his career as he did (moving, handling ALL the house/yard stuff, appoitnments, etc for decades, he never once called in sick for an ill child in 20 years of being a parent . . .) and everything is OURS.

I think your situation is different than the OPs. I didn't read anywhere in the original posting that they have children and/or he takes care of all household chores/matters. If it is that type of situation, I think most of us would be posting something differently. Instead, he keeps all his earnings to spend on things he wants to and she uses her earnings to pay for all household expenses (except his car and his dope) plus any of her expenses. So she pays all the joint expenses with her earnings and then uses whatever is remaining for her fun things to do. It does seem a bit off that there is so much discussion about her bonus money being used for something that is for her (but really, is it also for him? does he complain about how she looks? I have no idea) without any discussion of any savings used for that and the bonus used for the two of them. But it is what it is. There's no discussion about the job that he is in, other than he's at the top seniority wise so it wouldn't make sense for him to move jobs. Plus, yes, she likes living in Chicago, but does that inconvenience him and his job or is actually helpful for him?

 

[goofyintoronto]

Here’s how it reads to me - he thinks his money is 100% his, but half of your earnings should also be his. Selfish and greedy.

Totally agree!

Funny, because the way I read it, he's only asking for the same share he's always had while OP is wanting a higher percentage than she's historically taken.

And I'm not saying that makes OP greedy. But, I can certainly see where the negative impact oh her DH's status quo would cause him to feel slighted.

But he only pays for car and insurance....and uses his money for dope. Its her bonus...she gave him money. Sure its not the same amount he's use to, but she's not shutting him out completely.

The OP can forgo designer accessories once the husband surrenders his bong to the POPO.

Right on!

And to the poster who said both the husband and wife should discuss the wife's desire for plastic surgery. Um, no. Its her body, her bonus, her choice. Im with the OP on this one. The husband is being greedy. She pays for more than enough, leaving him plenty of money to do what he wants. If i were in her shoes, and my husband was complaining, i might offer a bit more money. Maybe $3-$4k. If he still complains though, i'd be tempted to revoke the offer and not give him anything at all!

 

[Gumbo4x4]

But he only pays for car and insurance....and uses his money for dope. Its her bonus...she gave him money. Sure its not the same amount he's use to, but she's not shutting him out completely.

Doesn’t matter. Anytime there’s a change to the status quo, the one who’s short-changed is going to naturally FEEL short-changed.

 

[goofyintoronto]

Doesn’t matter. Anytime there’s a change to the status quo, the one who’s short-changed is going to naturally FEEL short-changed.

Yes thats true. But the husband needs to stop and think rationally for a minute. Its her bonus, and this one time she would like to do something special for her 50th. Plastic surgery. Its not as if she's telling him he's no longer getting a bonus in the future. Its just this one time.

 

[Pacolovestacos]

Doesn’t matter. Anytime there’s a change to the status quo, the one who’s short-changed is going to naturally FEEL short-changed.

He can feel however he wants. His feelings still aren't justified. If my only expenses throughout life were my car and dope, and someone else paid for my house, I'd be pretty happy with that.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Yes thats true. But the husband needs to stop and think rationally for a minute. Its her bonus, and this one time she would like to do something special for her 50th. Plastic surgery. Its not as if she's telling him he's no longer getting a bonus in the future. Its just this one time.

I guess the question is in how it was presented to her DH. She’s received this type of bonus for many years now & always at the same time.

Has she campaigned for the surgery for a long time, or was it sprung on him at the last minute?

Had she previously indicated the bonus was going toward a trip or some other mutual benefit & now she’s changed the plan?

Did she ask him how he felt about it, or tell him how it was going to be?

 

[NHdisneylover]

I think your situation is different than the OPs. I didn't read anywhere in the original posting that they have children and/or he takes care of all household chores/matters. If it is that type of situation, I think most of us would be posting something differently. Instead, he keeps all his earnings to spend on things he wants to and she uses her earnings to pay for all household expenses (except his car and his dope) plus any of her expenses. So she pays all the joint expenses with her earnings and then uses whatever is remaining for her fun things to do. It does seem a bit off that there is so much discussion about her bonus money being used for something that is for her (but really, is it also for him? does he complain about how she looks? I have no idea) without any discussion of any savings used for that and the bonus used for the two of them. But it is what it is. There's no discussion about the job that he is in, other than he's at the top seniority wise so it wouldn't make sense for him to move jobs. Plus, yes, she likes living in Chicago, but does that inconvenience him and his job or is actually helpful for him?

True--there has been no discussion whatsoever about what either contributes to the relationship, other than money. (ok, and that it is only SHE who wants to live in such a high cost of living area). For me, that is the issue----no matter whether they have kids or not, money is not the only thing one contributes to a relationship---and yet that is the only thing being considered. I find that very strange.

 

[gillep]

I have also often seen this issue. I know many couples who argue constantly about who paid for what (“I paid the last two times we went out to lunch”, “I took the dog to the vet so you owe me since it’s your dog”, etc).

Perhaps for some keeping their finances separate alleviates fights over money, but it’s certainly not always the case. I think if you’re prone to have resentment and disagreements about money, it will happen regardless of whether your finances are shared or separate.

The biggest concern I see with separate finances is a lack of budgeting and goal-setting. Because each spouse winds up with a good amount of ”discretionary money” and there is no accountability to each other, that money tends to be spent. When it is saved, it’s almost always one-sided and I just don’t understand how that will work out later down the road (when one spouse has tons of money for retirement and the other has nothing).

I can only speak to my own situation regarding having separate finances with DH, but we are absolutely accountable to one another, retirement and savings contributions are just like any other bill, we each have a set amount that we contribute to our own 401K accounts and to our own savings accounts, all discretionary spending comes after ALL bills are paid, which includes our savings and retirement contributions. We absolutely also set financial goals, I am not sure why having two separate accounts, instead of one joint account, implies that we wouldn't be setting goals for ourselves and our future. I also feel like we are 100% a team, our team and partnership just looks different than those who approach their finances in a totally pooled fashion. I actually asked my husband about this thread while on our way to dinner (restaurants are his expense lol) and he agreed that he thinks of all the money we each bring in as 'our' money, he also commented that he feels like how we handle our finances and which bills we each pay works to our different strengths, as he has basically 2 very large bills he pays, and I have all of the other smaller ones and he thinks that works great because I am much better keeping track of multiple things like that.

I think that like everything else it is very difficult to understand the other side when you have only ever done something one way. Also, there is a continuum on both sides. Not all people who keep separate finances likely do budget and set goals, but many do and are successful at it. I have a coworker who has 100% pooled money and shared accounts with his wife, if he goes to Starbucks and pays with a card she gets an alert and immediately calls him to yell at him, I don't in any way assume that all shared money relationships are like this, but that type of relationship is certainly part of the pooled money continuum.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

He can feel however he wants. His feelings still aren't justified. If my only expenses throughout life were my car and dope, and someone else paid for my house, I'd be pretty happy with that.

Doesn’t matter how sweet of a deal he has. It’s only human nature to balk when the deal is changed in a manner that degrades your situation .

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Dude, the OP is paying all the household expenses. The husband gets to use his money on cars and fun stuff, while the wife pays everything else. If she wants to get some plastic surgery with her money, she can get it now and not have to explain herself to anyone.

Well if she didn't want to explain herself to anyone she wouldn't have posted a thread explaining herself to everyone and wouldn't have solicited advice.

 

[goofyintoronto]

Doesn’t matter how sweet of a deal he has. It’s only human nature to balk when the deal is changed in a manner that degrades your situation .

True, totally normal to feel the way he does. Im not disagreeing with you. However, at the end of the day, its HER bonus from HER job. He should be supportive of her decision this ONE time. He can buy all the dope he wants with his money. She wants plastic surgery, she should get it without feeling guilty. Its her money, her body, period. I totally agree with you, but I cant help but feel the husband is being VERY selfish and greedy here.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

He likes cars and dope. Our marriage works for us.

Wait, what?

 

[arminnie]

Doesn’t matter how sweet of a deal he has. It’s only human nature to balk when the deal is changed in a manner that degrades your situation .

sure - If you are selfish greedy and can’t think beyond a 5 year old ‘s mind set of “MINE MINE MINE.”

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Different strokes for different folk
Some like surgery, some like dope

If I had 25 grand, I would share
And go away somewhere warm and fair

Some homeless people would get a place to stay
But spend your money your own way


... I guess.

 

[robinb]

And dang, I want OP's job!

Something just occured to me about the OP and her job and her desire to have a "tune-up". She is obviously a successful, well paid and valuable employee (or owner/partner). Aging is not for sissies ... and aging women are often diminished and disrespected in the workplace and society compared to men their own age. Men become "distinguished" while women just grow old. I'm older that the OP and have no desire to have a "tune-up" but it may actually be a necessity in her career and business. Especially if she has a job in the music industry or something similar. I wish it wasn't true that women had to nip and tuck to appear younger but that is still where we are at some levels of society and in some businesses.

@chicagodisneyfan, I still do support your DH and his hurt feelings over not having more say over the spending of the bonus money. BUT ... if your "tune-up" is necessary for your career, then the investment in your face/body is actually an investment in your family and continued income. There is a distinct possibility that you may be overlooked in the future for no other reason than you are a woman over 50 who looks like she is over 50.

So ... I guess I've changed my mind. I now think that your plastic surgery is not a selfish or vain act. It's an investment in your career and therefor an expenditure for both of you just like every other bonus.

 

[AppleDumpling]

OP, based on the background info you gave, I’d say it’s certainly your right to spend your bonus on yourself.

Some things to consider: Is DH opposed to the surgery for reasons other than financial? Are there other issues at play here? Could his negative reaction fester and lead to bigger problems down the road? Or do you expect him to be pleased once he sees the results? It sounds like you’ve made the decision and don’t really care what he thinks.

I honestly can’t relate. IMO, if you want to keep separate bank accounts, along with a yours vs mine mentality, why bother getting married? To me, marriage is a life commitment and you’re either all in or you’re not. DH and I are partners and operate our household with shared income, shared expenses, and shared responsibilities. We discuss any major purchases and other financial decisions together.

I will tell you that if I wanted something personal that was expensive, and DH didn’t agree, he would ultimately support my decision if it was that important to me (assuming we could afford it). Because he would want me to be happy.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

sure - If you are selfish greedy and can’t think beyond a 5 year old ‘s mind set of “MINE MINE MINE.”

Aren’t they BOTH doing that? Isn’t that why we’re having the discussion?

And to be fair, none of us can gauge how big of a deal this disagreement is. Is DH having a full-blow tantrum, or is he mildly bummed? We don’t know.

I do applaud OP for having an open mind regarding the comments here. But, without her DH’s input, it’s impossible to say just how strongly he’s objecting.

 

[goofyintoronto]

I honestly can’t relate. IMO, if you want to keep separate bank accounts, along with a yours vs mine mentality, why bother getting married? To me, marriage is a life commitment and you’re either all in or you’re not. DH and I are partners and operate our household with shared income, shared expenses, and shared responsibilities. We discuss any major purchases and other financial decisions together.

Not to be rude or anything, but the OP didn't ask whether or not she should've bothered getting married did she? You/your husband share bank accounts, that's awesome. But not all marriages are the same. What works for you guys might not work for others. It doesnt mean you have a better marriage than they do just because you share EVERYTHING. I shared finances with my exh and regretted it big time. I'll never do that again, let me tell you. Everyone is different. You do what works for you.

 

[tzolkin]

We absolutely also set financial goals, I am not sure why having two separate accounts, instead of one joint account, implies that we wouldn't be setting goals for ourselves and our future. I also feel like we are 100% a team, our team and partnership just looks different than those who approach their finances in a totally pooled fashion.

Because statistically that’s more likely. That’s why I said it is my primary concern with that method.

I believe you and your DH would agree that it’s something important that needs to be addressed, since you are one of the rare couples who seem to have done so.

It can work out like you describe, but unfortunately keeping separate finances does not usually result in a united, goal-oriented partnership.

As an aside, and you certainly don’t need to respond, I’m curious about why you consider your finances separate. You mentioned that you sit down together and look at everything and also that your DH considers it all “our” money. Do you know how much the other makes, how much is saved, and how the money is allocated? In my time in financial education/planning, I have actually never met a couple with “separate finances” who did not consider their money to be their own/private from their spouse. (Did not share savings or retirement info, and usually didn’t even know if/what the other spouse had for life insurance.)

 

[soccerdad72]

I'm not completely sure what answer the OP is looking for? I assume she's having the work done regardless what anyone (including her husband) says, so it's probably all a moot point.

Good luck with the surgery.