Left out of family member's funeral

[dizluvah]

I am trying not to be overly emotional about this but my feelings are hurt.

My aunt just called me and told me she has news I won't like. My Uncle (her husband's brother) died Dec. 14. She said he only wanted a graveside service and they buried him Jan. 14th.

I was floored, the uncle is my dad's brother, my dad passed many years ago, a few years back I attended a funeral for my aunt (dad's sister).

I live 2 1/2 hours north of them but would certainly have made the trip to pay my respects to my deceased uncle.

After listening to 15 minutes of details, and asking who was in attendance at the funeral (including my cousin's girlfriend's mother- who never met the man) - I asked "So did someone not want us to attend?" is that why you are telling me now.

She gave me a litany of reasons: No, not that we didn't want you there, long drive, snow, cold temperatures, short 20 minute service, I have a new baby (3 months), funeral was rescheduled 3 times, didn't want us to take off work

then she finally said it was my uncle's decision (her husband), not hers

I was upset so I said I needed to hang up the baby was fussing...and hung up and burst into tears.

Am I being unreasonable...I mean all those reasons are valid excuses for me to have decided not to go - but I believe it should have been my decision whether to attend or not.

I just can't believe I was excluded/left out of a family funeral...

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

If she failed to noTify you of his death, that is just wrong and unacceptable.

My dad didn't tell me my grandma died last year. His widow, my grandpa, did (and was surprised that my dad didn't.). For some reason my father fails to communicate these things. It gets frustrating because he has conversations later on that make it seem like it was common knowledge. There just isn't an excuse. This was the third family memberinmy life that he did that with. He just ain't wired right.

I am not buying that it was your uncle's decision.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[nhpooh]

I am trying not to be overly emotional about this but my feelings are hurt.

My aunt just called me and told me she has news I won't like. My Uncle (her husband's brother) died Dec. 14. She said he only wanted a graveside service and they buried him Jan. 14th.

I was floored, the uncle is my dad's brother, my dad passed many years ago, a few years back I attended a funeral for my aunt (dad's sister).

I live 2 1/2 hours north of them but would certainly have made the trip to pay my respects to my deceased uncle.

After listening to 15 minutes of details, and asking who was in attendance at the funeral (including my cousin's girlfriend's mother- who never met the man) - I asked "So did someone not want us to attend?" is that why you are telling me now.

She gave me a litany of reasons: No, not that we didn't want you there, long drive, snow, cold temperatures, short 20 minute service, I have a new baby (3 months), funeral was rescheduled 3 times, didn't want us to take off work

then she finally said it was my uncle's decision (her husband), not hers

I was upset so I said I needed to hang up the baby was fussing...and hung up and burst into tears.

Am I being unreasonable...I mean all those reasons are valid excuses for me to have decided not to go - but I believe it should have been my decision whether to attend or not.

I just can't believe I was excluded/left out of a family funeral...

 

[Hoodie]

I would be hurt too. They should have told you and let you decide if you could handle the drive/baby/etc.

I keep hearing of funerals a certain way because that's what the deceased wanted. I think it's unbelievably selfish. I could see requesting certain songs, open vs. closed casket, but to dictate who can come? Funerals are for those left behind.

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[kwelch10377]

I understand why you are upset and I would be too.

Was the reason for your uncle's decision because of the reason's you aunt listed or something other reason?

I will say though that if the reasons your aunt gave are true then I do I understand where they are coming from, especially during a time when people don't always think straight.

 

[golfgal]

Knowing the men of that generation in our family they were probably saying things like "oh, don't bother her, she is so busy with work and the baby" "she doesn't need to bundle up that baby to come for such a short service"-trying to be nice to you and not inconvenience you. They don't see it as "excluding" you.

 

[Handbag Lady]

Be emotional and let it out. What an awful family you have and I am so sorry of their callous behavior. I'd be pretty pissed off myself.

 

[luvmy3]

Are you close to these relatives? I can't imagine not finding out my uncle died until a month after the fact, I'd be very upset about that. However, if it was my uncle's wish to have a small private gathering with a x amount of people, I would respect that. I don't know if your aunt is telling the truth or not, maybe she didn't want to tell you he didn't want you there because it may upset you, or maybe she is lying through her teeth. I would let it go, and grieve for your uncle. There isn't anything that you can do about it now.

 

[dislaney]

Personally, I can't stand funerals and would rather say goodbye in my own way, so I would have been secretly relieved. I know a lot of people find closure in the actual funeral and not even notifying you of his death does seem really rude. Sorry for your loss!

 

[ols386]

Maybe they were trying to be thoughtful of you and thought the long drive would be too difficult with an infant, or that the roads might be bad due to weather, taking time off of work, etc. But I can still understand that you would feel hurt.

 

[LovetheMouse12302]

No, you're not being unreasonable. I remember as a child my mom called her dad on fathers day and she later in the phone conversation asked how her step mom was and he very coldly stated, oh she died a couple weeks ago. My mom thought they were pranking her, but sure enough she passed. I felt horrible for her. Hugs to you!!!

 

[dizluvah]

OP here - Thanks for the responses...

I need to clarify one part I think...

the deceased uncle T is the brother to my Uncle J who's wife I was speaking to...so when she said it was my uncle's decision not to tell me - she means it was her husband Uncle J (who is alive and well) who decided not to bother me with info about Uncle T's death/funeral.

I can sort of see my aunt respecting her husband's wishes and not telling me but they have 2 children - who are my age that I am friendly with and keep in good contact with and I am so hurt they didn't call me and tell me

geez...I know I have to let it go and move on but i just can't understand what they were thinking - they handled this poorly....

 

[jlewisinsyr]

If it makes you feel any better, I lost my brother last year and his wife demanded that only his brother's, mother and kids (the kid's mother was not allowed as she said it was disrespectful to her as she was the current wife) were allowed at the funeral. She said it was his wish but we all have any issue with this as he committed suicide and they were only married 11 months; we all doubt he even said it. She made it so clear that she threatened to take his creamated remains if more then the people who she said showed up.

So we scheduled a second "service" an hour after the one she put restrictions. She was leaving as we were arriving back at the cemetary, she turned around, parked her car within eye shot and got in and out of her car, pacing back and forth, etc. It was so sad and pathetic. Many of the family members who were not invited to the first funeral were very hurt by not being able to be there, which is why we scheduled the second one.

 

[krcit]

Knowing the men of that generation in our family they were probably saying things like "oh, don't bother her, she is so busy with work and the baby" "she doesn't need to bundle up that baby to come for such a short service"-trying to be nice to you and not inconvenience you. They don't see it as "excluding" you.

I agree with this. I'm sorry OP. I can understand that your feeling are hurt, mine would be too but I wouldn't dwell on it. I'm sorry about your uncle

 

[Hannathy]

Be emotional and let it out. What an awful family you have and I am so sorry of their callous behavior. I'd be pretty pissed off myself.

I agree.

What they did wasn't right and there is no reason on earth for what they did, whatever they come up with is just an excuse and a poor one.

I'm sorry you were hurt. You have every right to be upset.

 

[agnes!]

If it makes you feel any better, I lost my brother last year and his wife demanded that only his brother's, mother and kids were allowed at the funeral. She said it was his wish but we all have any issue with this as he committed suicide and they were only married 11 months; we all doubt he even said it. She made it so clear that she threatened to take his creamated remains if more then the people who she said showed up.

So we scheduled a second "service" an hour after the one she put restrictions. She was leaving as we were arriving back at the cemetary, she turned around, parked her car within eye shot and got in and out of her car, pacing back and forth, etc. It was so sad and pathetic. Many of the family members who were not invited to the first funeral were very hurt by not being able to be there, which is why we scheduled the second one.

I am simply stunned...*stunned*.

And my sympathies for your loss. What a comfort that the family was able to figure out a way to honor your brother's memory.

agnes!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

At the very least she called you and told you the reasons. If you are are close with them, perhaps you can go visit and still "pay your respects" to the family and get some closure if you feel the need.

Sorry for your loss.

 

[WDSearcher]

OP here - Thanks for the responses...

I need to clarify one part I think...

the deceased uncle T is the brother to my Uncle J who's wife I was speaking to...so when she said it was my uncle's decision not to tell me - she means it was her husband Uncle J (who is alive and well) who decided not to bother me with info about Uncle T's death/funeral.

I can sort of see my aunt respecting her husband's wishes and not telling me but they have 2 children - who are my age that I am friendly with and keep in good contact with and I am so hurt they didn't call me and tell me

geez...I know I have to let it go and move on but i just can't understand what they were thinking - they handled this poorly....

If it's something you need an answer to before you can move on, then call your Uncle J and ask. He'll either give you an answer that works for you, or he won't. But at least you'll know. They did handle it poorly. But unless you think that they purposely excluded you because of some specific motive, give them a pass. It was a death in the family and that can be difficult to manage for some people.

Knowing why you weren't invited doesn't change the fact that you missed the funeral. You can't get that event back. And you KNOW that there will be a point in the future where someone says, "Oh ... and don't forget to call Christine and tell her. Remember how she was about Uncle T's funeral?" as everyone nods. I'm not saying it's right, but you'll end up with the "over-sensitive" label. At least, that is totally how it would work in my family!

I'm thinking that Uncle T knew that you cared for him and thought he was important. That's really all that matters.

 

[Feralpeg]

OP, there is no reason, IMHO, that your family should have not let you know of your uncle's death. As for the funeral, perhaps he didn't like the idea of a large funeral. If that was his decision, then his wishes should have been honored without hurt feelings.

My family is pretty disconnected. We haven't had a great deal of contact, other than Christmas cards, with some members since the death of my parents. That being said, it was quite a shock when I found out by accident that my cousin had died 8 months prior and no one had bothered to tell us. Families can be very strange.

 

[3boymthr]

I'm sorry for your loss and want to say you are not alone. And that you are right to feel hurt and offended at the slight.

DH and I live on the east coast and his family live in the mid-west (about 900 miles away). my DH loves his relatives and does everything he can to be there when big events are happening - drove out for his sisters last minute wedding, flew out for his grandmother's surprise 90th birthday party, etc. Calls at least one a month to check in. Keeps contact with his sister via facebook and e-mail and text. But these were all events he was told about when he called for a chat.

Given that he is very much in contact it is surprising and hurtful to him when we have been notified well after the event of a major happening in his family. When his aunt S whom he loved dearly died he was told the day of the funeral so no time to get there. His father had a heart attack and he gave DH a call when he came home from the hospital to ask why he hadn't called or sent a card (the how can you be such an uncaring child call ). On another occassion his father was in hospitalized for two weeks with a ruptured bladder before his wife called my husband. Just last month his grandmother was in ICU for three weeks before he was given a call by his sister - and she wasn't told until the day before that. His aunt J had been diagnosed with incurable lung cancer and no one told him until she was living in a nursing home (He found that out when talking with his grandmother who lives in the same nursing home said, well, now that your aunt J - her daughter, mind you - is next door to me...).

In each case DH was told the same spiels that you got, oh it's too far; we didn't want to bother you we know how busy you are, etc. I know that when his dad or grandmother dies there is a good possibility that he will not get called in time to make it to the funeral and he will be extremely hurt.

Personally, I think it's the old out of sight, out of mind paradigm at work and that they just forget who else they need to call. But it's still very hurtful.