Left out of family member's funeral

[daisax]

Calls at least one a month to check in.

In the life of elderly people, once a month isn't particularly often. Obviously the phone goes both ways, but if they're not going to hold up their end of the calling and your husband wants to make sure he knows what's up with Dad and grandma, once a week would probably set his mind more at ease that he'll be aware if something drastic is going on.

 

[Robinrs]

I understand both sides.

For your own sanity try to understand the other side. There is no solace in being offended or angry. Try to find peace in your memories of his life, not his death. Funerals are just platforms, your memories are forever.

Let it go. Resentment makes us bitter and uncomfortable and you have a 3 month old blessing who wants a happy mommy.

God bless.

 

[Pigeon]

I'm sorry for your loss.

I would try to let it go, and give them the benefit of the doubt. People don't always think things through clearly in situations like this.

 

[arminnie]

I'm sorry for your loss.

I would try to let it go, and give them the benefit of the doubt. People don't always think things through clearly in situations like this.

True. I don't know how big of a group they should have notified, but it can be incredibly difficult when you are dealing with the loss of a loved one to plan to funeral and notify 100+ people. Sometimes things slip between the cracks. I tried to notify one rep from each family to let others know. There is NO WAY I could have called every family member.

I didn't get any sleep for 3 days when my mother died. It was a nightmare. People coming by every 5 minutes, 3 phones ringing, etc. I needed to be in 10 places at the same time plus I had my idiot boss calling me every hour wanting stuff (from 2000 miles away) via email.

You are emotional and hurt right now. Grieve and then try to let it go. People have different value systems. They might have been okay if the roles had been reversed and assumed you would be. Or they may have forgotten. I doubt seriously that they thought "Oh we don't want her here".

 

[cm8]

If it makes you feel any better, I lost my brother last year and his wife demanded that only his brother's, mother and kids (the kid's mother was not allowed as she said it was disrespectful to her as she was the current wife) were allowed at the funeral. She said it was his wish but we all have any issue with this as he committed suicide and they were only married 11 months; we all doubt he even said it. She made it so clear that she threatened to take his creamated remains if more then the people who she said showed up.

So we scheduled a second "service" an hour after the one she put restrictions. She was leaving as we were arriving back at the cemetary, she turned around, parked her car within eye shot and got in and out of her car, pacing back and forth, etc. It was so sad and pathetic. Many of the family members who were not invited to the first funeral were very hurt by not being able to be there, which is why we scheduled the second one.

There are no words for her behavior. She will have to account for her actions later I am sorry for the loss of your DB


OP- I am so sorry that you were left out.

@Robinsr- Is the your handsome son in the bottom of your siggy? He is handsome

 

[chamonix]

If it makes you feel any better, I lost my brother last year and his wife demanded that only his brother's, mother and kids (the kid's mother was not allowed as she said it was disrespectful to her as she was the current wife) were allowed at the funeral. She said it was his wish but we all have any issue with this as he committed suicide and they were only married 11 months; we all doubt he even said it. She made it so clear that she threatened to take his creamated remains if more then the people who she said showed up.

So we scheduled a second "service" an hour after the one she put restrictions. She was leaving as we were arriving back at the cemetary, she turned around, parked her car within eye shot and got in and out of her car, pacing back and forth, etc. It was so sad and pathetic. Many of the family members who were not invited to the first funeral were very hurt by not being able to be there, which is why we scheduled the second one.

OMG....you....you are my hero.

To the OP: this has happened to me several times. It is heartbreaking, truly heartbreaking in a way that has no words. I will never be able to forgive/forget what those other family members did to me, but I do agree with those upthread who said you need to find a way to grieve for your loved one and try to move on. I suppose we have no other choice, unfortunately.

I am planning to visit my grandmothers grave ASAP to hold my own, private, solo, lonely ceremony. It's all I can do, and I intend to do it. (she's just the most recent incident...I have also had this happen with my other grandmother and was not told my dear beloved brother was dying at the moment....) when people give you those excuses why they didn't include you, I do understand why they did it....but I'm with the OP....those excuses were not for them to decide.

 

[koolaidmoms]

I'm sorry for your loss.

I would try to let it go, and give them the benefit of the doubt. People don't always think things through clearly in situations like this.

I agree. Sometimes they think they are protecting you for some unknown reason. He could have honestly thought it was really in your best interest.

I have had something similar happen twice. Both times the separate parties thought they were protecting me.

One was an uncle, who was not very nice, and they didn't even tell me he died until 3 months after his funeral as they thought it would bring up too many painful memories.

The other was an aunt, my god-mother, and I was away at school and they knew I couldn't get home so they didn't tell me until the next break because they knew I couldn't be there and they wanted me to be able to talk to them about it and grieve with them.

Neither one makes sense to me but that is how my family handles death. I would go with your uncle probably loves you very much and he was not thinking clearly and was probably trying to protect you from something as in your aunt's explanation.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

I keep hearing of funerals a certain way because that's what the deceased wanted. I think it's unbelievably selfish. I could see requesting certain songs, open vs. closed casket, but to dictate who can come? Funerals are for those left behind.

Because "funerals are for those left behind" is exactly the reason I've told my husband to omit certain people in my family from mine...the most important people are my husband and my children, and they don't need the drama and despicable behavior of those other family members. I want as little as possible (preferably nothing) to do with either one of them, and I don't care how it makes them feel...they're both toxic, and I don't want to deal with them now, so I certainly don't want my DH and kids to have to deal with them at an emotional time. One's own kids don't want anything to do with her (for good reason) and the other's daughter described him recently as "rotten" (actually, this was during my planning my mother's funeral last fall, when he sent me nasty emails and I emailed her to ask what the heck was wrong with him). Not all families are the same...not all families "deserve" to be at a family member's funeral. I'm not in any way saying that's what happened with the OP...from the sounds of it, it's nothing like that at all.

Knowing the men of that generation in our family they were probably saying things like "oh, don't bother her, she is so busy with work and the baby" "she doesn't need to bundle up that baby to come for such a short service"-trying to be nice to you and not inconvenience you. They don't see it as "excluding" you.

That sounds SO much like some elderly people I know.

Like a PP said, OP, if it really bothers you, perhaps speaking with your uncle might clear things up.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Knowing the men of that generation in our family they were probably saying things like "oh, don't bother her, she is so busy with work and the baby" "she doesn't need to bundle up that baby to come for such a short service"-trying to be nice to you and not inconvenience you. They don't see it as "excluding" you.

This^^^

 

[handinpocket]

Well they'd definitely be off my christmas list, in fact, they would be on my permanent **** list.