Leaving 10 year old behind!?

[100AcreWood]

I'll ditto pp and say definitely divide and conquer. She probably thinks her little brother will be the center of attention. Make sure she knows she will get time with you and her dad alone in the parks.

Does she have a good school counselor? If so you could reach out and see if he or she has any suggestions. They may even be willing to speak to your dd about her feelings.

You have time to work on this but I would not leave her home. She will remember it for the rest of her life even if it was her idea.

 

[Surgie2]

No experience whatsoever as a parent with your situation. But as a retired teacher of kids her age for many years, I agree with others that say this may be a subconscious cry for attention from your daughter - a "test" to see if you would really leave her behind. It sounds like you have done everything you can by making the trip have special times for her. So I would tell her the trip just wouldn't be the same without her and it's important to you that family experiences and memories be made with the whole family. I second the idea of reaching out to a school counselor or private counselor if you haven't already done so. Another thought...would the grandparents be willing to come along? Since she wants to stay with them at home, maybe she would think it would be fun to have a multi-gen trip and she could get some extra grandma and grandpa attention.

 

[MainMom]

I would not leave my DD or DS behind. Besides having her help you plan, how about vacation shopping with Mom before the trip? Start out with Starbucks then shopping for a new trip outfit, get a pedi/mani, lunch, etc.

 

[charmed59]

I noticed you mentioned she didn’t like her recent Disney trip, and normally you go September and January. Is it possible she’s had too much Disney? It sounds like she is in 4th or 5th grade, and it is also possible she’s finding making up school work a bit harder than before. Do they do something special the week after Thanksgiving at school that she doesn’t want to miss?

 

[KenHutch]

I would not leave her at home. While she says now that she doesn't want to come, in all likelihood she will bring up the fact that she was abandoned at home for years. As others have said get her involved in the planning. Tell her to pick out something that is just her and mom to do/see. I as well don't have a lot of experience with things like this. The closest I have is my daughter has a half sister (my god daughter) and I make a point of treating them the same on vacation (money, snacks , loot etc) and the 1st time I did this I did see the green eyed monster from her when she stated that her sister had a dad who should be doing that stuff for her, but now they are very close.

 

[siestakeys04]

I'll ditto pp and say definitely divide and conquer. She probably thinks her little brother will be the center of attention. Make sure she knows she will get time with you and her dad alone in the parks.

Does she have a good school counselor? If so you could reach out and see if he or she has any suggestions. They may even be willing to speak to your dd about her feelings.

You have time to work on this but I would not leave her home. She will remember it for the rest of her life even if it was her idea.

I work in a High School guidance office as a Registrar and I was thinking the same thing. Let her talk to her school counselor so she can talk things through. This may help and she may want to go. My brother and I are 10 years apart. It may be hard for her to understand what really just happened but I believe she will adjust. See if she would like to plan some special one on one time with you getting your nails and toes painted before then a special princess dinner.

 

[_Kristi_]

Maybe postpone the trip for a year or two and spend some money you would have saved for vacation doing some things regularly that she would enjoy. As adults, delayed gratification (the trip) isn't a huge deal because time flies by for us (we can suffer through some difficult times because we know good times are coming) but it's just not the same for kids. Sometimes they need regular doses of fun because a vacation at the end of the year feels so far away and 10 year olds measure their happiness by the day (sometimes the hour). She is also a funky age for any girl. They are just difficult right now in general. Throw in a special circumstance and they can get stressed easily. Perhaps a regular Sunday brunch or pedicures or movie theater night would fill her up more right now than a Disney vacation. Just my thoughts. I have a 10 year old daughter, too. Hang in there. But, whatever you do, don't leave her home

 

[2019TripIdeas]

No experience whatsoever as a parent with your situation. But as a retired teacher of kids her age for many years, I agree with others that say this may be a subconscious cry for attention from your daughter - a "test" to see if you would really leave her behind.

I am a teacher too and have taught this age and 100% yes, yes, yes. When kids say these things, they're basically testing you. They want you to say "We could never go on a family trip without you, you matter too much." I've had it happen with kids with higher emotional needs for field trips and it is always tricky to navigate. A good counselor or school psychologist could help, but I'm assuming since you're going through an adoption, there might also be family counseling services that could really help.

Do you think she's also imagining the trip being "so special" for your son with first rides, first experiences, etc? If so, like others have mentioned, you could build in lots of firsts for her too, if that's financially feasible. I'd go with her, or not go at all...

 

[Crystal824]

I don't have any experience with fostering or adoption. I do, however, have a 7 year old. She sometimes acts like this. Says, she doesn't want to do something and she really does but wants attention. My daughter many times just wants reassurance that she is important. She is the oldest and has two younger siblings. She doesn't get as much attention as she used to get. I wouldn't leave her behind....not at 10 and not in the situation. Maybe, instead tell her you want her to come on the trip.

 

[kandb]

Definitely bring DD and tell her this is a "family" vacation. Ten years old is definitely too young to start letting her make her own big decisions. When at WDW, maybe you or dh bring her and do something special that includes just her. Definitely do not leave her home, you need to go as a family.

 

[Kristian]

Thank you everyone for your responses. Dd seems to have come around since talking with her. I basically informed her that the trip was nonnegotiable as it was a family vacation. I focused on the fact that it was important that we all go and spend time together, but I also reassured her that there would be alone time built in to spend with her dad and I. Dd expressed that she was actually excited to be able to attend the Christmas party for the first time as we are usually at Disney during other times of the year. I expect there to be some regression as she tends to go back and forth with things in general since becoming a little older, but I simply let her know that her staying home was not an option as we want her with us. Again, thank you everyone for your feedback.

 

[Nancyg56]

My DGD was 10 when she announced she did not want to go back to Disney. Her friends considered it a "baby" place, althiugh she never really said that in so many words. My DD and DSIL love WDW and really wanted to take an adult trip since Kady was so against the trip, and she was totallly supporting that. DSIL slapped that door shut though, and said he was not going to WDW without her, regardless how emphatic she was that she woudl love to stay with Nana and Pa. (She told me she could not get rid of them!!!LOL!!!!) Anyway the subject died until we got an awesome pin code. It's funny how a short respite from a conversation can change so much. She had just turned 11 when we went back, and boy was she excited! I have no clue how an adolescent mind really works, but I do know that kids go from soup to nuts in a blink, so while I feel strongly that they have a say in vacations they should not be allowed to determine if they stay behind or join the family. Once they are in high school and classes, exams, etc impact thier lives, then timing is key, but at 10? nope...no one is left behind or forgotten.

 

[MrsDuck]

I feel like letting her stay home will only solidify her jealous feelings.

Ditto other posters who say to let her plan things and to spend time with her one-on-one doing something special (spa? Dinner? Tea?).

 

[pigletgirl]

Thank you everyone for your responses. Dd seems to have come around since talking with her. I basically informed her that the trip was nonnegotiable as it was a family vacation. I focused on the fact that it was important that we all go and spend time together, but I also reassured her that there would be alone time built in to spend with her dad and I. Dd expressed that she was actually excited to be able to attend the Christmas party for the first time as we are usually at Disney during other times of the year. I expect there to be some regression as she tends to go back and forth with things in general since becoming a little older, but I simply let her know that her staying home was not an option as we want her with us. Again, thank you everyone for your feedback.

Having an infant/toddler at home is incredibly time consuming. I think it's great you are making this family vacation a non-negotiable. Perhaps while you're there, maybe in the evenings, one of you (if baby needs to get to bed) could have one some one on one time with her for EMH. She absolutely needs to know that she isn't being replaced by her little brother, and that she isn't any less loved or cared about.

 

[Thing 1]

Hugs. I know this is difficult. I have worked with the foster/ adopt world and it can be difficult for siblings. That being said.... no way would I leave her at home. First....that’s way to much power for a 10 year old. Even if she thinks she wants that control, she needs the comfort and security of you saying, no this is my choice to make. She needs to see that your family sticks together in good times and bad and going to grandmas to escape is not an option. Even if she wanted to stay home she will spend tons of time while you are gone thinking about what the three of you are doing as a family while she is not there. Family trip.....we all go. I would plan a few short activities during the trip where she will get some get alone time with a parent but remind her that you are all a family now and you will work and play as a family. I would absolutely include her in every step of the planning but don’t be upset if you don’t get the same reaction you want. Just smile and remind her you would love her input. I think the trip sounds like a perfect way to do some family bonding.

 

[xmansmom]

Ok, this is a really sensitive post and I surely do not want to offend or come across as judgemental but my heart broke when I read that you are considering leaving her behind Even if she thinks it's what she wants.... I dunno. She sounds like she needs some quality time with her mom. I would reason with her and let her know that your family is just not the same without her and you can't imagine leaving her behind and that you won't go without her. Then work out something between the two of you where you and her go for a day and do what SHE wants to do. Use the time to connect with her, listen, spend some one on one time, whatever that may be; pedicures, relaxing at the pool, shopping... whatever. It sounds to me like your daughter needs to know she is loved and that you guys want her there. Even if she says she wants to stay it sounds more like a cry for assurance that she is valued in your family. I can't see it being a healthy thing for her to be left behind, if it were me I would be crushed if my mom actually left me.

But I realize I do not know your family whatsoever so if I am WAY off base please just ignore me I hope you guys can work it out.

I agree with Friedela. Maybe she's testing you. Maybe she needs to hear that she's an important part of the family and you can't imagine going without her. My son did something similar when I married a single dad with a toddler. Toddlers need constant care. In his eyes I was doing more for and with the new baby than him. Your daughter may be feeling the same way. Hang in there. We got through it and you will too.

 

[HappyGrape]

I read somewhere that for a small child to adjust to sibling is like if your partner brings another partner home and say now we will all love her! It was all you, but now there are two . It's humorous of course but it also is not easy to adjust to sharing the love and attention. You are doing excellent job - your dd and ds are lucky to have you.

I would say if you get to have some 1 to 1 time with her and push the significance of her being there for her brother and her role it will work for all.

 

[Julylady]

Given the situation you described, there is no way I would let her stay behind. Do you think she might be unconsciously testing you to see if you would really go without her? My response would have been that this is a family vacation and that she is a very important part of the family. No discussion would follow as in my world, 10 year olds don't get a vote on vacation plans. I would involve her heavily in the planning and also split time when you are there so that you do some things as a whole family, some with just daughter and you, Dad and daughter, etc.

 

[Lilsia]

Thank you for your response. I definitley don’t want to leave her behind and in past trips we have always included her in the trip planning. I also do not want to force the trip and she ultimately have a bad time. We recently went on a weekend trip together and it wasn’t the most enjoyable in all honesty. We (my dh and I) spent one on one time with dd, which went okay, but she complained for most of the trip. I’m just kind of at a loss.

Yep, and she will keep complaining about most everything until she turns 25. LOL Welcome to tween-hood. I have 2 daughters who are now 16 and 17 and we are finally seeing hints from our oldest on what kind of adult she will be. It starts around that age and peaks at 14 and then starts to get better. Take her on the vacation, let her know you love her and want her around but don't let her get away with too much sass. That is the best you can do.

 

[orangecuse]

So my parents had us (4 kids) all over the world constantly for my dad’s job. I found it exhausting. She may genuinely be tired of travel. I started opting out of (very nice sounding) vacations around middle school because I just wanted to be home with my friends. Honestly if you get to your trip date and she really wants to stay behind I would let her. I would explain you trust her, you value her desires and opinion, and you hope you can do tea/whatever in Jan. Maybe plan a mom/daughter trip where she gets to pick the location as a weekend thing for a week or two before. Also maybe encourage her to set up something fun for while you are gone (sleepover with friends? Big outing with the gparents?)

And, I remember changing my mind on whether or not to go so I say plan as much as you can with her coming. Its a long time in a 10 year olds workd!