Leaving 10 year old behind!?

[Kristian]

Our next trip is scheduled for the week after Thanksgiving, 2018.
Originally, it was supposed to be just our little family (dh, ds (1), dd (9) and myself); however, dd has informed us that she doesn’t want to go now and will be happy staying home with her grandparents (my parents) and going to school. I’m not against the idea, as I would never want to force her to go only to have a bad or even miserable time. Dd has been having some issues lately with emotions, etc. and there has been some adjustments that she’s had to get use to. We adopted ds, but have fostered him since birth. Dd went from being an only child to a sibling basically overnight and I tend to think that part of her decision to stay behind is partially due to some jealousy for ds. She loves her brother, but I’ve noticed some jealous tendencies lately. I tried talking to dd about the trip and her feelings about the adoption in general, but it seems that I can’t say or do anything right. Not sure if anyone has any advice or similar experiences that they would like to share, but thought I would see what others thoughts are. Thanks in advance.

 

[Meglen]

Oh boy, Maybe let her plan some of the trip. ADRs FP+ prk days anything. This might help make it feel like her trip not a trip for her baby brother. My son (8) loved helping me plan and any things he was scared of we watched youtube videos to show him its not scary. Hope everything works out.

 

[Kristian]

Oh boy, Maybe let her plan some of the trip. ADRs FP+ prk days anything. This might help make it feel like her trip not a trip for her baby brother. My son (8) loved helping me plan and any things he was scared of we watched youtube videos to show him its not scary. Hope everything works out.

Thank you for your response. We had originally planned to go in September as we usually go then and again in January; therefore, I had made some ADR’s with her interests in mind. I also had reserved Tea at the GF for a girls afternoon and had planned to make another ADR for tea once our November window opened up. I hope she changes her mind because she honestly loves our Disney trips and this has hit me like a ton of bricks.

 

[friedela]

Ok, this is a really sensitive post and I surely do not want to offend or come across as judgemental but my heart broke when I read that you are considering leaving her behind Even if she thinks it's what she wants.... I dunno. She sounds like she needs some quality time with her mom. I would reason with her and let her know that your family is just not the same without her and you can't imagine leaving her behind and that you won't go without her. Then work out something between the two of you where you and her go for a day and do what SHE wants to do. Use the time to connect with her, listen, spend some one on one time, whatever that may be; pedicures, relaxing at the pool, shopping... whatever. It sounds to me like your daughter needs to know she is loved and that you guys want her there. Even if she says she wants to stay it sounds more like a cry for assurance that she is valued in your family. I can't see it being a healthy thing for her to be left behind, if it were me I would be crushed if my mom actually left me.

But I realize I do not know your family whatsoever so if I am WAY off base please just ignore me I hope you guys can work it out.

 

[cjbcam]

I don’t think it would be a great idea to leave her behind. I think it would be something that she would hold against you (even if it was her decision). I agree have her plan some of the trip. Make her feel like this trip is for her. After all the one year old won’t care or remember anyways.

 

[3gr8boys]

I will preface this by saying I do not have experience in this arena, but I do have some thoughts to share....my kids ages are quite spread out, so we have always been happy to "divide and conquer" on vacations . Perhaps you can ask her help brainstorming a list of things that things little brother can't do or won't enjoy....things that she will have to have time with just mom or just dad for. Maybe just making some lists will reassure her that her days won't be all about accommodating little brother. In addition to some traditional girl time, what about scheduling something like the Caring for Giants tour at Ak?

 

[Kristian]

I don’t think it would be a great idea to leave her behind. I think it would be something that she would hold against you (even if it was her decision). I agree have her plan some of the trip. Make her feel like this trip is for her. After all the one year old won’t care or remember anyways.

Thank you for your response. I definitley don’t want to leave her behind and in past trips we have always included her in the trip planning. I also do not want to force the trip and she ultimately have a bad time. We recently went on a weekend trip together and it wasn’t the most enjoyable in all honesty. We (my dh and I) spent one on one time with dd, which went okay, but she complained for most of the trip. I’m just kind of at a loss.

 

[Kristian]

Ok, this is a really sensitive post and I surely do not want to offend or come across as judgemental but my heart broke when I read that you are considering leaving her behind Even if she thinks it's what she wants.... I dunno. She sounds like she needs some quality time with her mom. I would reason with her and let her know that your family is just not the same without her and you can't imagine leaving her behind and that you won't go without her. Then work out something between the two of you where you and her go for a day and do what SHE wants to do. Use the time to connect with her, listen, spend some one on one time, whatever that may be; pedicures, relaxing at the pool, shopping... whatever. It sounds to me like your daughter needs to know she is loved and that you guys want her there. Even if she says she wants to stay it sounds more like a cry for assurance that she is valued in your family. I can't see it being a healthy thing for her to be left behind, if it were me I would be crushed if my mom actually left me.

But I realize I do not know your family whatsoever so if I am WAY off base please just ignore me I hope you guys can work it out.

Definitely not off base. I appreciate your opinion.

 

[arminnie]

I have ZERO experience here so my opinion is probably worthless. But it sounds like a cry for reassurance - but you know your daughter and I don't.

As an aside - when my mother, sister and I were planning to go to a movie we always had to BEG my father to go with us. It was an ordeal. He'd finally give in. One time we just decided after an hour of pleading to just go without him. When we got home he was mad that he didn't get to go. (My sister and I were adults at this time visiting from out of state).

 

[DisneyWishes14]

I have not been in your exact situation, but I'm a mom to a 10 year old and have two much older stepsons, one of whom had a very difficult time when my DS was born. Understandably so. It's not an easy situation. Have you considered family counseling so you could all go talk with someone and try to discuss any emotions or issues she may be having? Sometimes it's easier when a third-party, professional is navigating the conversation.

 

[Kristian]

I have ZERO experience here so my opinion is probably worthless. But it sounds like a cry for reassurance - but you know your daughter and I don't.

As an aside - when my mother, sister and I were planning to go to a movie we always had to BEG my father to go with us. It was an ordeal. He'd finally give in. One time we just decided after an hour of pleading to just go without him. When we got home he was mad that he didn't get to go. (My sister and I were adults at this time visiting from out of state).

I am afraid of the same scenario occurring with dd if she were to stay home. I believe that she will end up mad and hurt like your father and the movie situation. I definitely don’t want either to happen. I’m leaving her on the reservation and my plan is to reassure her and discuss plans and hope she comes around. Thanks for your response.

 

[Meglen]

Maybe just "cancel" the trip untill she says she wants to go. Who knows maybe you saying "if you dont go we all are not going" will show her that she is important and the reason for the trip. At worst you cancel it closer to the dates.

 

[straychicken]

My DS is 8 and when I told him we were planning a trip to WDW during his fall break this fall he told me he doesn’t want to go. This was not the reaction I expected all. But he usually spends fall break with his grand parents and really looks forward to it. We are still going to take him and he will still get time with his grand parents (a couple of weeks this summer and then Christmas break). But he still says he would rather not go.

In this case, I don’t think it is that he doesn’t want to travel with us it’s just that he doesn’t want to miss out on any time with his grand parents. He loves them so much.

Maybe your DD feels similar?

 

[Hikergirl]

At 10 years old there would be no second guessing leaving one of my kids home, they will be coming on vacation with us.
I realize your situation may not be typical, and I would spend my time up until the trip working on her jealousy issues. That is a large age difference, she had that many years being an only child, she may never not be jealous of her brother. What will you do if she never wants to do something as a family? If you leave her out, she will resent you for it. She is a child and not emotionally mature enough to say "well I did say I didn't want to go", she will only remember that you and dad went without her. In the long run that will cause her more damage than forcing her to go to WDW with her family.
Good Luck OP, I'm sure it will all work out for you even if it takes some work to get there.

 

[Shanti]

Our next trip is scheduled for the week after Thanksgiving, 2018.
Originally, it was supposed to be just our little family (dh, ds (1), dd (9) and myself); however, dd has informed us that she doesn’t want to go now and will be happy staying home with her grandparents (my parents) and going to school. I’m not against the idea, as I would never want to force her to go only to have a bad or even miserable time. Dd has been having some issues lately with emotions, etc. and there has been some adjustments that she’s had to get use to. We adopted ds, but have fostered him since birth. Dd went from being an only child to a sibling basically overnight and I tend to think that part of her decision to stay behind is partially due to some jealousy for ds. She loves her brother, but I’ve noticed some jealous tendencies lately. I tried talking to dd about the trip and her feelings about the adoption in general, but it seems that I can’t say or do anything right. Not sure if anyone has any advice or similar experiences that they would like to share, but thought I would see what others thoughts are. Thanks in advance.

Since ds is only 1 and won't comprehend/remember the trip, I recommend leaving him behind with grandparents, and taking dd to WDW to give her some much needed undivided attention from the two of you. The trip could be a big asset to her emotional state, if done that way.

Leaving her behind will only contribute to the emotional problems she's having, and I strongly recommend you not do that, even though she claims it's alright. She's too young to make that decision with a full understanding of her own emotions. She will very likely be upset later at being left behind, even if she asks for it now.

 

[DisneyFansInNYC]

I agree with the other posts. I don't believe a 10 year old is mature enough to make that decision. I think if you leave her home she will always remember the trip that you went without her. I can't imagine that you could even enjoy DW without her. Let her know that she is an integral part of your family. Maybe let her be in charge of making the trip special for your son. Ask her what she thinks he would love to do and let her make those decisions. We didn't adopt any children but once we had more kids we always gave the older kids things to be in charge of for the baby(babies). Our oldest DD would call the babies hers. I am sure it will all work out. What a wonderful thing to adopt a baby who needs love!

 

[Allison]

I think there are situations where it is fine to vacation without a child. However, this does not feel like one of them. I think the situation warrants the whole family going.

 

[Ensusieasm]

Since ds is only 1 and won't comprehend/remember the trip, I recommend leaving him behind with grandparents, and taking dd to WDW to give her some much needed undivided attention from the two of you. The trip could be a big asset to her emotional state, if done that way.

Leaving her behind will only contribute to the emotional problems she's having, and I strongly recommend you not do that, even though she claims it's alright. She's too young to make that decision with a full understanding of her own emotions. She will very likely be upset later at being left behind, even if she asks for it now.

I was thinking the same thing, but as I was typing I was worried that this would set a precedent. So maybe, both kids go to Disney, but before that.....Maybe do some special activities with DD alone. Seems like she needs attention.

 

[brockash]

Our next trip is scheduled for the week after Thanksgiving, 2018.
Originally, it was supposed to be just our little family (dh, ds (1), dd (9) and myself); however, dd has informed us that she doesn’t want to go now and will be happy staying home with her grandparents (my parents) and going to school. I’m not against the idea, as I would never want to force her to go only to have a bad or even miserable time. Dd has been having some issues lately with emotions, etc. and there has been some adjustments that she’s had to get use to. We adopted ds, but have fostered him since birth. Dd went from being an only child to a sibling basically overnight and I tend to think that part of her decision to stay behind is partially due to some jealousy for ds. She loves her brother, but I’ve noticed some jealous tendencies lately. I tried talking to dd about the trip and her feelings about the adoption in general, but it seems that I can’t say or do anything right. Not sure if anyone has any advice or similar experiences that they would like to share, but thought I would see what others thoughts are. Thanks in advance.

I'll just say at age 10, unless she had some huge thing going on that conflicted with the trip, her going would not be negotiable. Now, my oldest is 16 and 2 years ago we were very close to letting him stay home for a football thing and if he didn't want to go at this point, I wouldn't force him, but at 10 no way. I also think it's especially important for her to go if there are issues going on. This is a very easy way for her to alienate herself from the 3 of you even more. I'd just explain to her that it's a family vacation so all are going and try asking her about things that would make it more enjoyable for her. Also telling her that she could definitely get some alone time with the grandparents at a different time, but I think she needs to be included in this and if you have to force her, so be it. There are so many things I said I didn't want to do it be a part of when I was a kid and many my parents made me and I'm so thankful they did.

 

[VicRock]

I will preface this by saying I do not have experience in this arena, but I do have some thoughts to share....my kids ages are quite spread out, so we have always been happy to "divide and conquer" on vacations . Perhaps you can ask her help brainstorming a list of things that things little brother can't do or won't enjoy....things that she will have to have time with just mom or just dad for. Maybe just making some lists will reassure her that her days won't be all about accommodating little brother. In addition to some traditional girl time, what about scheduling something like the Caring for Giants tour at Ak?

I think this is great. Have her plan stuff that little brother can't do that she can do with either you or dad alone. Let her help with deciding who & why she wants to do that particular thing with that parent. At home, I would also plan a few mommy/daughter & daddy/daughter dates so that she knows her place in the family hasn't been taken over by little brother. Maybe even an outing that she'd like to do without baby brother - such as a movie or a favorite restaurant that both parents can go to.