Lame excuse for a dad

[punkin]

It's a moot point if there is a legal agreement - I took many a sick child to her dad's for the weekend when we BOTH would have preferred that she stay home with me on that particular weekend. It was her dad's weekend, though, and illness not serious enough to warant a hospitalization was not enough to change that schedule.

Of course a divorced mom would want to keep her sick child with her and think it was "better" for her to stay in her own bed with her own routine. That doesn't matter at all, though, when there is a legal custody arrangment. No judge would alter the agreement on that basis and the non-custodial parent would have every right to insist that he have his regular visitation.

Both my kids spent this weekend in separate bathrooms throwing up. It is just 24 bug (according to the pediatrician) and hardly warrants hospitalization, but believe me, no matter what the legal agreement is, I would not send them anywhere.

Disclaimer: I am not divorced and this is not a personal issue for me.

 

[DVCLiz]

Both my kids spent this weekend in separate bathrooms throwing up. It is just 24 bug (according to the pediatrician) and hardly warrants hospitalization, but believe me, no matter what the legal agreement is, I would not send them anywhere.

Disclaimer: I am not divorced and this is not a personal issue for me.

punkin, I know that is what you feel - and believe me, it is what any loving mother would feel, divorced or not. But if someone had a legal court order to have your child a particualr 48 hours, there is nothing you could do to make that change. You could physically lock yourself and your child inside your home but it would not alter the fact that you would be in contempt of court and likely face charges or a new custody battle if you pushed it.

Sending a sick child to her dad's for the weekend was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I wasn't willing to be held in contempt and lose my primary physical custody so it happened. A vomiting child is not serious enough to alter custody, period - it's easy to throw around the phrase "no matter what the legal agreement is" but in real life you do it because it IS a legal agreement. If you could just do what you wanted or "felt" was right you would keep your children with you all the time.

 

[punkin]

punkin, I know that is what you feel - and believe me, it is what any loving mother would feel, divorced or not. But if someone had a legal court order to have your child a particualr 48 hours, there is nothing you could do to make that change. You could physically lock yourself and your child inside your home but it would not alter the fact that you would be in contempt of court and likely face charges or a new custody battle if you pushed it.

Sending a sick child to her dad's for the weekend was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I wasn't willing to be held in contempt and lose my primary physical custody so it happened. A vomiting child is not serious enough to alter custody, period - it's easy to throw around the phrase "no matter what the legal agreement is" but in real life you do it because it IS a legal agreement. If you could just do what you wanted or "felt" was right you would keep your children with you all the time.

I am so sorry you had to deal with this. I understand legal agreements and I understand why you felt you had to do it. Faced with contempt and a possible loss of custody I would do it too, but I just do not get what kind of father (or mother to keep this non-sexist) would try to enforce this legal agreement when his children are sick. Well, I guess that's what this thread is about...lame excuses for parents who disregard their children's health just because "it is their legal right". It is so sad.

 

[DVCLiz]

I am so sorry you had to deal with this. I understand legal agreements and I understand why you felt you had to do it. Faced with contempt and a possible loss of custody I would do it too, but I just do not get what kind of father (or mother to keep this non-sexist) would try to enforce this legal agreement when his children are sick. Well, I guess that's what this thread is about...lame excuses for parents who disregard their children's health just because "it is their legal right". It is so sad.

I don't think I'd go that far. There are plenty of loving divorced dads out there who cherish their time with their children and who would not feel that a stomach bug was enough to keep them from seeing their child. A sick kid who has a loving relationship with both parents can be cared for just as tenderly at dad's if the home environment is set up to allow it (which I don't think is the case in the OP's post, btw!) (Also, I don't want to give too much credit to my ex because, as often as he took a sick child, he certainly has done his share of other things that disqualify him in the loving divorced dad of the year contest, as far as I'm concerned.)

When my younger daughter had chicken pox she went to her dad's on the weekend and she was certainly sick but she had a dad and stepmom who could keep her in an Aveeno bath, let her watch TV, feed her chicken soup, etc. It was not a case of her being ripped from my loving arms to go stay in a sub-standard place. If I hadn't had to do it I certainly wouldn't have wanted to, but getting her in a car in her pajamas to drive two miles to another house with the same level of care wasn't really anything that caused her undue stress, either.

 

[Allison]

I don't think I'd go that far. There are plenty of loving divorced dads out there who cherish their time with their children and who would not feel that a stomach bug was enough to keep them from seeing their child. A sick kid who has a loving relationship with both parents can be cared for just as tenderly at dad's if the home environment is set up to allow it

Excellent point.

 

[Sanchez]

I am so sorry you had to deal with this. I understand legal agreements and I understand why you felt you had to do it. Faced with contempt and a possible loss of custody I would do it too, but I just do not get what kind of father (or mother to keep this non-sexist) would try to enforce this legal agreement when his children are sick. Well, I guess that's what this thread is about...lame excuses for parents who disregard their children's health just because "it is their legal right". It is so sad.

You also have to consider that some parents will claim that the child is sick in order to prevent the ex from getting visitation time.

 

[DVCLiz]

You also have to consider that some parents will claim that the child is sick in order to prevent the ex from getting visitation time.

That's very true. And, moms also say that the child or children "just don't want to go and I won't make them". This is why there are legal agreements in place.

Bottom line - have a happy marriage if you have children! Then you won't ever have to deal with any of this.

It is also true that as the children get older things tend to loosen up. DD16 is the only one of my two children who is still under any legal arrangement, and now that she is driving on her own she spends much less time with her dad than when she was little. Everyone is glad to move to a different kind of arrangement.

And I am counting down the days until she turns 18 so that I won't ever, ever have to worry that he could do something at the last minute that would alter any arrangement I might want to make with/for my children. That will be one of the happiest days of my life.

 

[punkin]

You also have to consider that some parents will claim that the child is sick in order to prevent the ex from getting visitation time.

...and these are parents who also belong on the lame excuse thread...this is just as wrong

Bottom line - have a happy marriage if you have children! Then you won't ever have to deal with any of this.

That's my plan. I have a very good friend who is going through incredible nonsense with her ex over the children and while they were married, he was just a great dad. Now he refuses to have anything to do with the oldest two at all. I mean NOTHING!

Yech, this thread is depressing.

 

[DVCLiz]

...and these are parents who also belong on the lame excuse thread...this is just as wrong



That's my plan. I have a very good friend who is going through incredible nonsense with her ex over the children and while they were married, he was just a great dad. Now he refuses to have anything to do with the oldest two at all. I mean NOTHING!

Yech, this thread is depressing.

Dads so often want it to be a war and the weapon they have is the children. Anything they can do to screw over the ex-wife becomes a victory to them.

For me, I have learned that "living well is the best revenge" is certainly true. By living well I mean having a happy and content life and spending the time with my children to assure I have done everything I wanted to do as a parent even if I've had to do it alone. I don't mean material things - although I've been able to do that too - but teaching them the life lessons I want them to have, etc.

And time is a great healer. It's been long enough now that I have finally been able to watch my ex and his new wife hit the same sorts of issues we had - mostly concerning jobs and responsibility for earning a living. When she was telling me what a "good man" he was (after listening to me talk about our issues for years since she was a very close friend of mine) she is now the one dealing with his unemployment and seeming inability to hold a job and she is the one supporting him. Hope she enjoys that now!!!

I hate that my children grew up in a household without a loving dad but I would have hated even more setting the example of being trapped in a marriage that was dysfunctional. I thought we had a relatively happy marriage but it turned out he had never really seen himself as married with kids. Surprise, surprise!! Wish he had figured that out before we spent 13 years having two children!!

He went into a new relationship right away and has actually been somewhat of a father to his wife's daughter - who needed it because her own dad had major addiction issues. My daughter says she is glad her dad could offer something to his step-daughter (who had been her best friend since 1st grade) but she wished he would do the same for her. Hearing her say that was the saddest I have ever felt about our divorce.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Dads so often want it to be a war and the weapon they have is the children. Anything they can do to screw over the ex-wife becomes a victory to them...

 

[punkin]

He went into a new relationship right away and has actually been somewhat of a father to his wife's daughter - who needed it because her own dad had major addiction issues. My daughter says she is glad her dad could offer something to his step-daughter (who had been her best friend since 1st grade) but she wished he would do the same for her. Hearing her say that was the saddest I have ever felt about our divorce.

That is just about the saddest thing...I am so sorry your daughter had to go through that.

 

[DVCLiz]

That is just about the saddest thing...I am so sorry your daughter had to go through that.

Thanks - it sounds more dramatic typing it all out! The whole situation was so very hard on all of us because we were "couple" friends and then both marriages ended for different reasons and they started dating almost immediately. It was very hard for my older daughter to go to school and hear from all of her friends the things they had to say about someone's dad suddenly dating someone else's mom. It wasn't even that they were cruel - they just hadn't ever dealt with a life reality like that and they were young middle schoolers.

And of course it was hard on me too because we were all social friends with kids in the same grade, activities, etc. I have NEVER been able to avoid seeing them. So I decided I would kill with kindness and I must say I am proudest of the fact that people so often say to me, "I don't see how you do it." The answer is you do it for your kids and because the other choices aren't so great, either. You end up looking like a raving lunatic and then the sympathy shifts to the other person - not what I wanted!!! hahaha

But my daughter is a wonderful, wonderful girl and I am so proud of her. She has chosen the most terrific young man and they have been dating for 3 years. They see a future together and she has quietly learned some hard lessons and put them into her choice of a future spouse. Seeing what is important to her about a future husband and what she wants for her own life is the payback I get now for the "suffering" we all went through when my marriage ended. Two strong, beautiful daughters who adore me as much as I adore them and who want to be a part of my life even after they leave home, who want me to be a loving grandmother to their future children, etc. That's really all I could hope for!

Boy, that was a pouring my heart out session!!!

 

[NY Disney fan]

Then you post this on your Facebook page.

:

Thank goodness for Facebook and Twitter. If my exH ever tries to claim custody, I will show the judge a treasure trove of all his writings and whereabouts. Some people DO NOT deserve to be parents, indeed!

 

[punkin]

Boy, that was a pouring my heart out session!!!

Well, why not? You obviously have a lot to be proud of.

 

[disneyjunkie]

Dads so often want it to be a war and the weapon they have is the children. Anything they can do to screw over the ex-wife becomes a victory to them.

There are plenty of women that enjoy the war as well.

 

[DVCLiz]

There are plenty of women that enjoy the war as well.

That is certainly true!! And there are plenty who also make it a money war - and on both sides. Again, bottom line - if you have children do everything you can to have a happy marriage!!

 

[DebD4T]

It's a moot point if there is a legal agreement - I took many a sick child to her dad's for the weekend when we BOTH would have preferred that she stay home with me on that particular weekend. It was her dad's weekend, though, and illness not serious enough to warant a hospitalization was not enough to change that schedule.

Of course a divorced mom would want to keep her sick child with her and think it was "better" for her to stay in her own bed with her own routine. That doesn't matter at all, though, when there is a legal custody arrangment. No judge would alter the agreement on that basis and the non-custodial parent would have every right to insist that he have his regular visitation.

Forgive me if this is a stupid question, but I have no prior experience with custody and such...

Even if BOTH parents want the child to stay with the custodial parent on a visitation weekend, they MUST send the child with the other parent? They can't agree to maybe change the weekend and send the child the following weekend when hopefully the child is feeling better?

 

[DVCLiz]

Forgive me if this is a stupid question, but I have no prior experience with custody and such...

Even if BOTH parents want the child to stay with the custodial parent on a visitation weekend, they MUST send the child with the other parent? They can't agree to maybe change the weekend and send the child the following weekend when hopefully the child is feeling better?

Oh, sure they could!! And we did that many, many times - even if it wasn't an illness question, just a schedule question.

BUT - there were weekends, especially in the beginning when it was all new and everyone was still very tense, when one or the other of my DDs was sick - and they still went to their dad's because he wanted them to come.

And occasionally if I had made plans and knew they on the last day of a case of the sniffles I would send them anyway. Don't want to give the impression I was a saint every time!!

Edited to add: I just reread the part of the post you quoted - by "BOTH of us would have preferred" I meant my daughter and I, not my ex and I. She and I would have rather had her stay at home sometimes but dad was the one who wanted her to come.

 

[bunny]

To the OP, I don't know your ex's financial situation, but I do know that he is probably paying 50% of his income to support two children with two separate child support cases. He may not be able to afford a nicer place to live right now. At least he is trying to see his children. Would you have been willing to switch your dates to another weekend?

In regards to the noncustodial parent, my husband cherished the time he got to spend with my stepchildren. He hated to lose one moment. Just imagine only spending 36 hours with your children in a whole month.

 

[thop529]

I feel all of your pain, but there so called "mothers" out there that do the same thing, as some of the dead beat dads. Ask me I know!