Laid off DH is getting lazy AND crabby...Update he's going for a job interview

[Mouse House Mama]

Hey OP- I am glad things are turing around for you.

I do have to laugh though when you vent about a spouse and people jump on the "you need therapy" "he's depressed" "you obviously hate him so you should leave" "your marriage is in shambles and you have been living a lie" bandwagon.

I guess they never get annoyed at anyone. God Bless them!

 

[manning]

UPDATE - DH had a long talk this morning and maybe he "gets" it...maybe... If you want to offer suggestions/support/your own story - please I need to hear these things right now, if not...move on to the next post. If I had posted this 6 months from now, the response I would have gotten would be - you should have nipped this in the butt in the beginning. If you think I am a mean/horrible/soon to be single mom - I honestly dont care.

Those who matter dont mind, and those who mind dont matter.

So I came home from work today and found a semi clean house and dinner being started.

Alas he is starting to come out of it. He'll get there!!!

Is he handy? give him something to fix.

 

[tonilea]

One of the best ways I have gotten DH to help is to make out a big long to-do list for ME and leave it out where he can see it. He almost always does at least a few of the jobs on it with out any nagging on my part. lol

 

[disneymarie]

If he wasn't 6'4 I'd punch him in the head. Alright well maybe not, I'd need a chair to do that.

Well I just need to vent so here goes - DH was laid off last Friday so it's only been a week but he is driving me CRAZY. He wasn't upset when he was laid off because he truly hated this job anyways and he's hoping to find something before/if they bring him back. So on Friday when he told me he was laid off we both kind of shrugged it off. Financially we'll be okay with my income and after this week unemployment will kick in.

BUT now he isn't working full time, and the kids are in school all day so he is sleeping ALL day. He has also been quite crabby the last couple of days which is not like him at all - he is generally very laid back and go with the flow kind of guy. I get that he is probably bored, so I left him a little list of things that needed to be done (bring in the outdoor furniture, close up the sandbox etc.) before winter comes. He did one thing on a list of about 10 in 1 week.

Seriously?!?!?!

He does help with normal housework (not as much as I do but I really dont mind since I "enjoy" most of these things as strange as that may sound) but with this time off now I figured he could do somethings around the house to keep him busy. Apparently that is asking too much.

So tonight when he is sleeping I'm contemplating painting his big toe or something.... ugh....alright I feel better now

YEP that is our life too,
I finally found a pt time job at least to help cover the health insurance for him.

He is smoking more, picks up case of beer, sometimes up all night sleep all day, does nothing to help out here, and I am on disability trying to work part time.
My house should be sparkling for all the time on his hands.
He whines the three days he is working, but at least he is finally helping out financially now.

 

[Colleen27]

Have you fully communicated with him about wanting some help? I assume that the work you are doing is your normal work at home...he's not doing less around the house. So he just might not be thinking of things to do; hubby and I talk about stuff like this all the time, and he just doesn't come up with as many things to do as I can, even though we're looking at the same room. And then he'll look at DS's toys (which hubby plays with too), which I feel are in reasonably neat order, and he'll spend an hour cleaning it up when he could have been doing something that, in my opinion, would have been far more valuable. Anyway, if you haven't really talked about it all, you really should do so.

Yeah, I think that's one of those gender differences that we as women find most infuriating - my DH can wake up to a dining room full of toys (we use it as a play/craft room), dirty dishes in the sink from last night's dinner, and an empty roll of toilet paper on the hanger, and does he do anything about them? No, he grabs a cup of coffee and sits down to watch ESPN's morning show.

If I ask him to, he'll gladly do the dishes or pick up after the kids, but left to his own devices he tends to rather oblivious to what needs done. That was the first thing I learned when we were working out how we'd handle him being home - just because something is obvious to me doesn't mean that it is to him, and nothing good can come of getting annoyed at him for not doing something I didn't ask him to do just because I think he should have noticed on his own.

 

[Colleen27]

My DH actually prefers lists for what I need/want done.

Everyday woman are reminded that we cant/shouldn't do it all, ask for help from our spouses. Then when we do and it doesn't get done, we make a list and it doesn't get done, we complain and BAM we're being bad wives.

Have you thought of a more general to-do list, not for him but for the household? We keep a list of seasonal/occasional and as-needed "to-do"s on a dry erase board on the fridge, and we all tackle them as we have the time. Dishes and laundry and sweeping are habit, but I'm a little scattered by nature and it really helps to have a reminder that the gutters are due for cleaning, the yard stuff has to come in, the play structures in the back yard need hosed down & covered, things like that. And it gives DH a place to start when he's at loose ends without handing him a list of chores like he's one of the kids.

 

[KAMKIM]

Yeah, I think that's one of those gender differences that we as women find most infuriating - my DH can wake up to a dining room full of toys (we use it as a play/craft room), dirty dishes in the sink from last night's dinner, and an empty roll of toilet paper on the hanger, and does he do anything about them? No, he grabs a cup of coffee and sits down to watch ESPN's morning show.

If I ask him to, he'll gladly do the dishes or pick up after the kids, but left to his own devices he tends to rather oblivious to what needs done. That was the first thing I learned when we were working out how we'd handle him being home - just because something is obvious to me doesn't mean that it is to him, and nothing good can come of getting annoyed at him for not doing something I didn't ask him to do just because I think he should have noticed on his own.

god our husbands are so alike....I mean obviously if the garbage is over flowing....TAKE IT OUT! But, it wont happen until I specifically say...Can you take out the garbage...so then he takes out the garbage but doesn't put a new bag in can But I guess since I didn't say can you take out the garbae AND put a new bag in the can, technically he did what i asked LOL

 

[KAMKIM]

Alas he is starting to come out of it. He'll get there!!!

Is he handy? give him something to fix.

He is pretty handy, he went out and got a bunch of new outlets (all of ours really need replaced) so that is on his agenda for this week, hopefully he'll get them all done in a few days - this will probably take him a while but with no kids in the house it shouldnt be too hard.

Also, our landlord is siding our house himself and said he could use a little help. So starting next week if DH is still laid off he will be siding the house and the landlord will be taking money off the rent which helps quite a bit especially with the holidays coming around - so I was really happy to hear that yesterday.

 

[wdwfan16]

He is pretty handy, he went out and got a bunch of new outlets (all of ours really need replaced) so that is on his agenda for this week, hopefully he'll get them all day - this will probably take him a while.

Also, our landlord is siding our house himself and said he could use a little help. So starting next week if DH is still laid off he will be siding the house and the landlord will be taking money off the rent which helps quite a bit especially with the holidays coming around - so I was really happy to hear that yesterday.

The siding helper for less rent is a great idea.

Be very careful with doing electrical work on a home you are not the owner of.

 

[KAMKIM]

Thats the thing about posting on a public message board. Not everyone will agree with you, and there is no way to force them to. And no law that says they can't post either.

I don't think you are horrible, but I do think you should give your hubby time to think things thru. And one week was not a huge amount of time to deal with a life altering event. You sound more like you are talking about one of your children, not your husband. You are supposed to be partners, remember?

Exactly we are supposed to be partners so why am I doing all the work??? His side of the partnership is to do what exactly?

I understing posting on a public message board will pick up some negative feedback, and no there are no laws saying they cant post - I dont believe there should be...plenty of people were able to disagree with me without making me feel worse about myself or the situation. People should not need laws to be nice, most learn that in preschool!

 

[KAMKIM]

The siding helper for less rent is a great idea.

Be very careful with doing electrical work on a home you are not the owner of.

Actually we do all/most of the work around the home. Our landlord lives a good 2 hours away so he just doesn't get around to doing it. We just send him the receipts (we never charge for labor) and take it off the rent. So far DH has replaced most if it not all of the plumbing throughout the house, we've repainted every room at least twice, we've replaced most of the switches, and the ceiling fan...etc.

So our landlord is grateful to have someone there that can and is willing to do the work for free - other than materials.

 

[wdwfan16]

Actually we do all/most of the work around the home. Our landlord lives a good 2 hours away so he just doesn't get around to doing it. We just send him the receipts (we never charge for labor) and take it off the rent. So far DH has replaced most if it not all of the plumbing throughout the house, we've repainted every room at least twice, we've replaced most of the switches, and the ceiling fan...etc.

So our landlord is grateful to have someone there that can and is willing to do the work for free - other than materials.

I am talking about electrical only. If the house burned down and a person who is not an electrician or the owner worked on it they could be held liable.

When we rented a house we did painting etc but we never touched the electrical. When then the main breaker went, we knew how to fix it but we did not and called in an electrician. It was a $75 repair and the landlord paid the bill. We did not want the liability associated with it.

 

[SNylund]

Maybe turning to swinging is the answer.

Where did that come from, me giving advice to a cheating spouse on another thread that her significant other was about to walk because of her excessive cheating? To me that was a last ditch desperate measure to keep him around. Instead of beating up that lady about her cheating I was giving her advice on a way I thought may actually keep the guy around. I realize it was an unconventional bit of advice, but what else did a cereal cheater, with her man on the way out the door because of her cheating could do to keep him around? She had already broken promises not to cheat again, what else could she do, counseling? Why would he even remotely agree to that? That post was IMO a last ditch effort to keep him around, sorry if it offended you.

 

[SNylund]

I believe your DH is in a depression.

It also seems that your marriage was a rocky one with you holding mild resentment against him that you were able to keep at bay when he had a paycheck. Now that his is contributing nothing that resentment has bubbled to the top and is coming out in a destructive way for you, your DH and your marriage.

Now is not the time to try to change him, that time was 14 years ago. You need to support him and slowly get him to see he needs to help. Hitting him and leaving to do list will not work.

If you DH asked for a note then write on otherwise it looks like you are treating him like the useless man he now sees himself as. You are reinforcing his "self speak" by your actions.

This is the defining moment in your marriage and you are not steeping up and meeting the challenge.

How old are the kids? If they are school age then they are old enough to throw out soda cans, put the dishes in the dishwasher (maybe not the best way but their best way), take out the trash and like jobs.

If they are too young for school then WHO is watching them while he sleeps all day?

BTW, I didn't mean she should kick him while his down, just that he should take the initiative to get things going. She can still be supportive in his efforts, but he has to make the effort. I was responding to him wanting to sleep all day and when he is up play Playstation 3 all night long or whatever. To me that is not acceptable sorry if that offended you.

 

[SNylund]

YEP that is our life too,
I finally found a pt time job at least to help cover the health insurance for him.

He is smoking more, picks up case of beer, sometimes up all night sleep all day, does nothing to help out here, and I am on disability trying to work part time.
My house should be sparkling for all the time on his hands.
He whines the three days he is working, but at least he is finally helping out financially now.

WOW, no way would I deal with that but that's just me. Good luck on all that.

 

[SNylund]

Exactly we are supposed to be partners so why am I doing all the work??? His side of the partnership is to do what exactly?

I understing posting on a public message board will pick up some negative feedback, and no there are no laws saying they cant post - I dont believe there should be...plenty of people were able to disagree with me without making me feel worse about myself or the situation. People should not need laws to be nice, most learn that in preschool!

I totally understand where you're coming from and totally agree with all your posts. I don't agree with the "just coddle him and support him in his depression and sleeping all day and playing playstation all night" crowd. Not saying you should kick him, just that you are right that he should be doing more, a lot more. Constantly looking for a job/and/or doing something to create income.

I'm sorry, but I just don't get this whole, its ok to kick back on unemployment, whine about working any at all, and having no ambition but to sleep, play video games and let your spouse do all the work.

I had a close friend that was an "artist." He was content to collect a disability, do occasional artwork, that never sold, drink beer and chain smoked cigs and various substances all day long, while his wife was the only worker and totally supported him. She eventually had enough and walked and I completely understood why. People with absolutely no ambition other than getting enough money to buy the latest video game just astound me. Sorry if that makes me mean or some kind of snob.

 

[shortbun]

Great that your husband is coming out of his funk. Glad you finally sat down and talked to him. Unless he has lots of 'running a household' experience, don't expect miracles. Also, don't expect his ideas of what's important to coincide with yours. He's not your maid/cook, he's an equal partner and if he doesn't think it's important to completely clean the kitchen after a meal..yada yada...your expectations could become your disappointments. just sayin'

 

[Colleen27]

Our situation was a little different in that DH wasn't laid off - he went from a job where he worked long hours, year round to a profession that is pretty seasonal. But the consequences were the same. I was thinking since he was home, he'd be more help around the house. I don't know what he was thinking (he probably just hadn't given it any thought) but he seemed to expect that the house would run as usual, but he'd have 60 hours a week of free time on his hands. Um, NO, not gonna happen!

It took most of that first winter for us to establish a good balance. I found that without the structure of a work schedule, he really wasn't very good at managing his time, which I suppose is only natural since he's been working since he was 15yo. Plus for him, a lot of his self-image and self-worth are tied up in his career, and at first he had a hard time with not working for those couple of months even though it is the nature of the job and he otherwise enjoys what he's doing. I'm sure a layoff or job loss would have been even worse for him, because there wouldn't have been the light at the end of the tunnel that he has with a seasonal slowdown.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

I totally understand where you're coming from and totally agree with all your posts. I don't agree with the "just coddle him and support him in his depression and sleeping all day and playing playstation all night" crowd. Not saying you should kick him, just that you are right that he should be doing more, a lot more. Constantly looking for a job/and/or doing something to create income.

I'm sorry, but I just don't get this whole, its ok to kick back on unemployment, whine about working any at all, and having no ambition but to sleep, play video games and let your spouse do all the work.

I had a close friend that was an "artist." He was content to collect a disability, do occasional artwork, that never sold, drink beer and chain smoked cigs and various substances all day long, while his wife was the only worker and totally supported him. She eventually had enough and walked and I completely understood why. People with absolutely no ambition other than getting enough money to buy the latest video game just astound me. Sorry if that makes me mean or some kind of snob.

What if the shoe was on the other foot and the wife is the one that got laid off??????????????????

Should the hubby tell her that she better get herself together and stop moping around? Should he treat her like a child?

No he should be supportive of her especially a week after being laid off. Unless you are unemployed right now you have no clue how people feel about this. There is no light at the end of the tunnel and its very scarey. I WANT to work just like millions of others but there isn't anything out there.

 

[KAMKIM]

What if the shoe was on the other foot and the wife is the one that got laid off??????????????????

Should the hubby tell her that she better get herself together and stop moping around? Should he treat her like a child?

No he should be supportive of her especially a week after being laid off. Unless you are unemployed right now you have no clue how people feel about this. There is no light at the end of the tunnel and its very scarey. I WANT to work just like millions of others but there isn't anything out there.

How have I treated him like a child? He has asked me to make him lists...this is what he prefers...