Laid off DH is getting lazy AND crabby...Update he's going for a job interview

[yoopermom]

I know it's only been a week, but this type of thing can seriously lead to depression. What you say about his disrupted/extended sleeping pattern raises redflags. Would he see his gp?

I'm the one on layoff now and god bless my DH, he says, "your job now is to take care of us(DH and DS)". I traveled 90 miles each way to work last school year and basically was useless at home, so I'm actually enjoying being a wife and mom again. If you DH wants to be a househusband, maybe he really needs a list, and to think of it as a job. I love FlyLady!

Terri

 

[hentob]

.....so I left him a little list of things that needed to be done....

If my spouse ever gave me a list of chores, I'd be crabby too

Hope things get better

 

[Tink888]

I can see both sides of this. Years ago when the kids were little, DH lost his job and I was working full-time. I had the same expectations that you do. Plus I was worried about the loss of income.

Flash forward and I then I found myself laid-off recently. By the time I got laid-off I pretty much hated the job and even though I was kind of relieved, I still went through a depression over it. You're entire routine is thrown off, it messes with your confidence, you find all this time on your hands and a big part of how you once defined yourself is gone. It might sound silly but you really do go through a grieving process.

I think it's even worse for men, because as another poster mentioned, and even though it may sound old-fashioned, a lot of guys self-esteem is tied into what they do and how well they provide for their family. For a guy to go from bringing home the paycheck to suddenly taking care of the house is a blow to the ego. Then there's the stress of looking for and finding another job.

My advice to you is vent away all you want on the boards, that's what they're for but at home cut your DH some slack. It's only been a week and what he really needs from you right now is some understanding and support (hard as that may be to give sometimes after working all day and coming home to more work). He'll appreciate it more than you know.

Hope he finds something soon and things get better for you both.

 

[manning]

Yep it sure sound like depression. I went thru it. One day I was sitting there watching my wife make supper after she got home from work. Well I decided that wasn't right. From that point on supper was on the table by the time she got home and that is when I came out of my depression.

Kick him in the butt and hand him a cook book.

 

[WDWBarb]

Losing a job is a very traumatic experience. I quit a job awhile back that I really did like, I'd been there a long time but there were some things that happened and other things that were going to continue to happen that caused me to finally leave. I was devestated because I didn't have another job and I was really suffering the loss of something I cared about.

I know - it sounds reckless to quit a job without another lined up, but I saw the situation coming to a head and started planning about a year in advance (and this was just before the economy took a header).

I went into a depression (and I have never even been closed to depressed before) and I slept a great deal. I DID get up every morning and made a job out of finding a job and sent out resumes buy the dozenes. I networked, I created a great resume, I cleaned the house and I did all I could to keep my mind off my situation. But, when I wasn't able to keep my mind off of it, I suffered. I slept a lot, I cried, I felt useless and most of all I was terrified (what if I could never find another job that I loved??).

Talking to others in the same situation helps, as does therapy and/or career counseling.

Just when I started to feel better, I got a job. The whole ordeal lasted 3 weeks, but it seemed an enternity.

The whole point I'm trying to make is that it's a tough transition and, when you're used to being valued as an employee and a teammember, sometimes the household chores remind you of how "unimportant" you are now that you're unemployed (I know that isn't TRUE, but it's how your mind works when you're in this situation). A huge suggestion I have is that when you're unemployed, it's a GREAT time to do self-assesment of your career skills, what you have done right and wrong in the past and what you might want to do in the future. Read books, take classes, research.

It helps to remind you that you are still developing yourself, even when you're not on the job. And then when you do find a new position, what you've learned and discovered about yourself will be very helplful.

 

[shortbun]

I'd say he's depressed-sleeping a lot, low energy, not himself. Make sure he's eating a healthy diet and tell him he's depressed so he needs to slowly work himself out of it. If in a few weeks he's not doing better, send him to his doctor or get him some talk therapy. Some of the others might be right, it might only take a wake up call BUT I'll be he's taking the layoff a lot more personally than you think.

 

[RitaE]

If my spouse ever gave me a list of chores, I'd be crabby too

Hope things get better

I would be too.

And I know my DH pretty well. If I left him with a Honey Do list and started hinting that I found him lazy after one week, he wouldn't only be crabby, he'd be hurt and highly offended. I think he'd also feel like I was treating him like a child instead of an equal partner in our marriage.

Hope it gets better for the OP.

 

[boettj]

• He spends most days working the "Honey Do" list. That's been a huge bonus!

Sounds like he is doing stuff instead of loafing around. (Joking)

• I run this house! He keeps coming up and asking why I do things the way I do.

This is normal guy behavior. We must fix everything and do it more efficiently.

• He also insists on going on every errand with me. (Came with me when I got a pedicure. Wanted to go to the store that was next to the spa I was going to.)

Ok this is odd behavior. He must stop.

• He's become quite the shopper and knows all the local sales.

How is this a problem? (Joking)

• AND, he's also become the new chef in the family. He likes cooking and quite honestly, I'm tired of creating the menu every day.

He's cooking for you? And you complain about making a menu? (Joking)

• And there is the added benny of him being home during the day and the kids at school.

Well this is just a great benny.


Sounds to me like your DH is actually helping out, and I am sure it can be annoying. The things that you normally do are routine for you. Now he is changing that routine. Sometimes it's hard to let go of your responsibilities.



Thanks for sharing.

 

[boettj]

If he wasn't 6'4 I'd punch him in the head. Alright well maybe not, I'd need a chair to do that.

Well I just need to vent so here goes - DH was laid off last Friday so it's only been a week but he is driving me CRAZY. He wasn't upset when he was laid off because he truly hated this job anyways and he's hoping to find something before/if they bring him back. So on Friday when he told me he was laid off we both kind of shrugged it off. Financially we'll be okay with my income and after this week unemployment will kick in.

BUT now he isn't working full time, and the kids are in school all day so he is sleeping ALL day. He has also been quite crabby the last couple of days which is not like him at all - he is generally very laid back and go with the flow kind of guy. I get that he is probably bored, so I left him a little list of things that needed to be done (bring in the outdoor furniture, close up the sandbox etc.) before winter comes. He did one thing on a list of about 10 in 1 week.

Seriously?!?!?!

He does help with normal housework (not as much as I do but I really dont mind since I "enjoy" most of these things as strange as that may sound) but with this time off now I figured he could do somethings around the house to keep him busy. Apparently that is asking too much.

So tonight when he is sleeping I'm contemplating painting his big toe or something.... ugh....alright I feel better now

I've not lost a job before. Well ok, I just hexed myself. Oh well. From my point of view, this might work.

• Sit down with him and discuss his job future.
  • Ask him how long he thinks he wants to take off.
  • Set a time frame for him to relax. (I know this might be unpopular with the women. Sorry.)
• Talk to him about doing a few extra jobs around the house.
  • Not too much. Maybe a job or two. (Too much will result in 1 job out of 10 being accomplished in a week.)
• Look for resources to help him find a job.
  • Sometimes you local better business bureau will offer resume writing/Cover letter assistance.

Just some thoughts that might help.

 

[disney1990]

I've not lost a job before. Well ok, I just hexed myself. Oh well. From my point of view, this might work.

• Sit down with him and discuss his job future.
  • Ask him how long he thinks he wants to take off.
  • Set a time frame for him to relax. (I know this might be unpopular with the women. Sorry.)
• Talk to him about doing a few extra jobs around the house.
  • Not too much. Maybe a job or two. (Too much will result in 1 job out of 10 being accomplished in a week.)
• Look for resources to help him find a job.
  • Sometimes you local better business bureau will offer resume writing/Cover letter assistance.

Just some thoughts that might help.

Sorry your DH was laid off. I was laid off in February. All of the above are great ideas and I have done all of them and I am still out of work. I have not been out of work for the last 39 years, but now I absolutely cannot find a job. Talk about depressed -- yes, I am very depressed. I find it hard to get out of bed in the morning and at night I can't sleep.

Having been there, I would give my DH a little slack. It is a lot harder than it looks to everybody else to be going through this.

 

[Snowysmom]

My DH was laid off a few years ago after 25 years with the same company. It was hard for him at first. He did get a bit depressed and napped alot at first. But he did get going each day and send out lots of resumes. He was really tired of the dog staring at him all day! He made supper a couple of nights a week which helped out. He did not have a lot of interviews but it only took one really good interview and he was working again after about 8 months of looking. Luckily he had a good severance package. To be honest, I think he ended up better off even though it was tough being laid off. It just takes some time to get adjusted to being laid off and getting into the swing of looking for a new job. I know it is hard to work all day and come home to chores especially when DH is home all day. Maybe instead of writing a list of things to do, you could discuss with DH how he could help out while he is home, maybe come to a compromise of sorts. I wish him luck on his job search and hope something good comes along soon.

 

[MushyMushy]

I'm surprised and a little saddened that some of you are so harsh towards your loved ones in such a difficult situation. If my DH lost his job, he'd be devastated. I can't imagine wanting to punch or kick him (even figuratively) or calling him lazy. I don't think a week, or even two, is enough to process everything. Probably the first few days he was numb, then depressed, and now trying to figure out what is what.

How old are the kids? Can't they chip in and help a bit? In the meantime, cut yourself some slack too. You don't need to be superwoman. Do the minimum of what needs to be done and see if your husband starts chipping in.

 

[Vivianne]

I get your sense of humor..I would paint his toe while he was sleeping and ask him what's next on his agenda...

Chin up, not all is lost. Give him time. My DH was unemployed at one time and found a job right before the last week on his unemployment. Hopefully, it will all work out for the best.

 

[bumbershoot]

Yep it sure sound like depression. I went thru it. One day I was sitting there watching my wife make supper after she got home from work. Well I decided that wasn't right. From that point on supper was on the table by the time she got home and that is when I came out of my depression.

Love that. I think my husband's moment of "omg I have to step it up even more" was when I got an application from the local store deli (we're vegetarian, but I've worked in a deli before and at least I don't snack there!) just in case he didn't get anything soon. He just really didn't want me to *have to* work, and that's all it took for his intensity to go higher.

He was really tired of the dog staring at him all day!

I get your sense of humor..I would paint his toe while he was sleeping and ask him what's next on his agenda...

Chin up, not all is lost. Give him time. My DH was unemployed at one time and found a job right before the last week on his unemployment. Hopefully, it will all work out for the best.

I get the humor too.

A week can seem like a million years while you're in the middle of it, and then it's the blink of an eye a few months later. Time is funny that way.

Have you fully communicated with him about wanting some help? I assume that the work you are doing is your normal work at home...he's not doing less around the house. So he just might not be thinking of things to do; hubby and I talk about stuff like this all the time, and he just doesn't come up with as many things to do as I can, even though we're looking at the same room. And then he'll look at DS's toys (which hubby plays with too), which I feel are in reasonably neat order, and he'll spend an hour cleaning it up when he could have been doing something that, in my opinion, would have been far more valuable. Anyway, if you haven't really talked about it all, you really should do so.

Painting the toenail might be a great way to get the loving conversation started.

 

[Nancyg56]

I did give him space and understanding, for 7 days...I'm done now. He needs to get off his butt and stop expecting someone who is already working 40 hours a week to continue to take care of our 2 young girls, bills, housework, shopping, etc. He is essentially a stay at home dad now with no full time work so yes, excuse me if I expect a little more. If it was me that was laid off our house would be spotless when he walked through the door.

Seriously? Seven days and he needs to buck up and stop being lazy? I quit a job that had gotten to be too stressful and thank God my DH understood that I needed to adjust. If he had "given me seven days" of space I would have resented him more than I could ever express. Perhaps you can just turn into SuperWoman and take over all household chores after an emotional suckerpunch but realize that not everyone is like you. If someone treated me the way you are inplying you are treating your Dh I think I would lose any sense of confidence that I had.

If my spouse ever gave me a list of chores, I'd be crabby too

My Dh would never respond to that kind of "supervision"

I'm surprised and a little saddened that some of you are so harsh towards your loved ones in such a difficult situation. If my DH lost his job, he'd be devastated. I can't imagine wanting to punch or kick him (even figuratively) or calling him lazy. I don't think a week, or even two, is enough to process everything. Probably the first few days he was numb, then depressed, and now trying to figure out what is what.

I agree. My DH is the top of his seniority list and it has been years since he got laid off in the Winter. Last year work stopped before Christmas and did not pick up until after Easter. He was a mess. He was not used to being home during the day so he was lost. It took a while for him to adjust to not having to get up at 4 Am to go to work and was kind of mixed up during the day. He would sit down and then he'd fall asleep. Then he'd end up staying up late, wake up at 4 but have no place to go. I would not wish that on anyone. In our home I care for the house and I like it. He would offer to help but honestly, I had a routine and we both liked the roles we had always had. I would never have ridiculed him nor would I ever make him feel like he needed to earn his place her. He never did that to me.

I know that lay offs are difficult for the entire family but losing a job is personal.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

OP- I would totally feel the same way. Sure, you feel bad for the DH but the reality is that they have 2 kids and a household to run. That is not going to stop. So while he may feel bad and want a little time to regroup life still has to go on. The kids still need what they need, the house still has to run etc. If it were me I would tell DH that he needs to help more around the house. I would be specific in what I needed from him. Just because he lost the job doesn't mean that the OP isn't effected too. Maybe she is stressed out because the burden of it all is all on her? Maybe she feels like cashing it in and going to bed because she is stressed too? Sorry, but I cannot stand that men allegedly need to be coddled through every single life change. Buck up!
It's not like she is chaining him to the boiler and forcing him to scrub the basement with a toothbrush. She simply wants the stuff that needs to get done (regardless of if he is working or not) that has to get done.
OP- I would go with hot pink with glitter that glows in the dark. I would even paint his fingernails too.

 

[denisenh]

OP- I would totally feel the same way. Sure, you feel bad for the DH but the reality is that they have 2 kids and a household to run. That is not going to stop. So while he may feel bad and want a little time to regroup life still has to go on. The kids still need what they need, the house still has to run etc. If it were me I would tell DH that he needs to help more around the house. I would be specific in what I needed from him. Just because he lost the job doesn't mean that the OP isn't effected too. Maybe she is stressed out because the burden of it all is all on her? Maybe she feels like cashing it in and going to bed because she is stressed too? Sorry, but I cannot stand that men allegedly need to be coddled through every single life change. Buck up!
It's not like she is chaining him to the boiler and forcing him to scrub the basement with a toothbrush. She simply wants the stuff that needs to get done (regardless of if he is working or not) that has to get done.
OP- I would go with hot pink with glitter that glows in the dark. I would even paint his fingernails too.

i agree with this.....take care op!

 

[KAMKIM]

OP- I would totally feel the same way. Sure, you feel bad for the DH but the reality is that they have 2 kids and a household to run. That is not going to stop. So while he may feel bad and want a little time to regroup life still has to go on. The kids still need what they need, the house still has to run etc. If it were me I would tell DH that he needs to help more around the house. I would be specific in what I needed from him. Just because he lost the job doesn't mean that the OP isn't effected too. Maybe she is stressed out because the burden of it all is all on her? Maybe she feels like cashing it in and going to bed because she is stressed too? Sorry, but I cannot stand that men allegedly need to be coddled through every single life change. Buck up!
It's not like she is chaining him to the boiler and forcing him to scrub the basement with a toothbrush. She simply wants the stuff that needs to get done (regardless of if he is working or not) that has to get done.
OP- I would go with hot pink with glitter that glows in the dark. I would even paint his fingernails too.

 

[KAMKIM]

Seriously? Seven days and he needs to buck up and stop being lazy? I quit a job that had gotten to be too stressful and thank God my DH understood that I needed to adjust. If he had "given me seven days" of space I would have resented him more than I could ever express. Perhaps you can just turn into SuperWoman and take over all household chores after an emotional suckerpunch but realize that not everyone is like you. If someone treated me the way you are inplying you are treating your Dh I think I would lose any sense of confidence that I had.

This is not about being superwoman, this about our household still needing to run everyday and 2 kids that need 2 parents EVERYDAY.


My Dh would never respond to that kind of "supervision"

My DH ONLY responds to that kind of supervision



I agree. My DH is the top of his seniority list and it has been years since he got laid off in the Winter. Last year work stopped before Christmas and did not pick up until after Easter. He was a mess. He was not used to being home during the day so he was lost. It took a while for him to adjust to not having to get up at 4 Am to go to work and was kind of mixed up during the day. He would sit down and then he'd fall asleep. Then he'd end up staying up late, wake up at 4 but have no place to go. I would not wish that on anyone. In our home I care for the house and I like it. He would offer to help but honestly, I had a routine and we both liked the roles we had always had. I would never have ridiculed him nor would I ever make him feel like he needed to earn his place her. He never did that to me.

I know that lay offs are difficult for the entire family but losing a job is personal.

Well it's nice that you like taking care of the house, but I also put in 40 hours of work outside of the home, so no, I will not do everything.

 

[KAMKIM]

I'm surprised and a little saddened that some of you are so harsh towards your loved ones in such a difficult situation. If my DH lost his job, he'd be devastated. I can't imagine wanting to punch or kick him (even figuratively) or calling him lazy. I don't think a week, or even two, is enough to process everything. Probably the first few days he was numb, then depressed, and now trying to figure out what is what.

How old are the kids? Can't they chip in and help a bit? In the meantime, cut yourself some slack too. You don't need to be superwoman. Do the minimum of what needs to be done and see if your husband starts chipping in.

Really? you never want to punch or kick your DH? I think about hurting mine on a daily basis lately. Some times more than once.

My kids are 8 and 5, they have chores.