kids home alone

[momz]

We have a neighbor that is letting her 10 year old son (going into 5th grade) stay home alone everyday while she works. That's fine, he's a good kid, doesn't get into trouble, has good manners, etc... But, he's becoming a nuisance. I work full time, 3 days one week, 4 the next (12 hour shifts). So I'm home 1-2 days during the week. When I'm home, this child shows up on our doorstep by 9, and he stays until I tell him to leave. When I tell him it's time to go home, he willingly leaves, but he doesn't stay away for long, within an hour or two, he's back and we start all over again. Then, over the holiday weekend when his mother was home, where was he? Why in my back yard of course. Again...I had to ask him to leave.

I realize he is bored, his mother hasn't done anything to occupy his mind or energy. And, he's a good kid, doesn't give me much trouble. So, I feel kind of bad complaining. But...he's not my kid. I didn't sign up to be the care giver for this child.

I'm not sure how to address this. Knowing his mother, I worry that if I say something to her, she will see it as him doing some bad. She is a screamer when it comes to disciplining her child and I don't think that this issue warrents that kind of reaction from her. So, I guess, my choices are to continually tell him it's time to go home, or ask her to intervene. It's a frustrating situation to be in. I would hope that any parent letting their 10 year old stay alone would have some sort of boundaries that would prevent this type of situation.

 

[cristielf]

Wow,I can see you dilemma here! I would maybe try talking to the child first and telling him that you have things to do around the house and tell him the times it's acceptable for him to come over. Maybe tell him that you'll be happy to have him over, but not all the time and if he ever feels he's in an emergency, he can come over, but set times and rules with HIM first. If he's old enough to stay home, he's old enough to understand rules.

 

[nchulka]

Do you have a child around that same age that he is coming over to play with or is he just coming to hang with you? If he's just coming to be with you then I would say he is obviously not able to handle being alone yet. If it's a child he's coming to play with just tell him that your child cannot play any particular time you don't feel like having him around. Or just have both the kids play together outside. My kids are 9 & 7 I don't work so I am home with them but they are always going around the neighborhood to play with friends. I'm sure some of the other moms get tired of seeing them. Sometimes they come home saying so and so can't play and I just figure the mom probably doesn't feel like having an extra kid around right then. Since it's summer now mostly all the kids just run around outside all the time anyway so no one is really having to watch them.

 

[squirrel]

If you have children close in age with him. Maybe you could give her hints of ideas that he might enjoy to occupy his time while at home alone.

Maybe mention some great new books your children like from the library. Does your's have a summer reading program? If so you could just mention it.

Is there some kind of inexpensive/free summer things happening in your area that he could walk/bike to?

 

[Suzanne74]

That is so sad. A 10 year old home alone for the entire day? I would talk to his mom for sure.

 

[daisyduck123]

I would never have my 10yo staying home alone like that all day, every day. But if I did, I would want to know that he is doing that. His mom probably has no idea.

 

[Darcy03231]

I had this issue one summer and finally had to speak to the mom about it. I work full time and hired an in-home babysitter for my kids for the summer. This child would show up at 8 am and wouldn't leave until I sent her home at 9 pm. When I told the mom she couldn't be there during the day, only in the evening when I was home, the mom got really mad and that was the end of the friendshp between us and her daughter and mine.

 

[lunalibre]

This is a tough one. We've been involved in similar situations with other neighborhood kids. I know it takes a village to raise a child, but sometimes I wonder how I ended up in the village.

I work nearly fulltime, but I do it on my own terms out of my house. So, that means I'm home much of the time.

In our case, we've usually ended up with kids whose parents have already been investigated -- multiple times -- for neglect. The first kid we had with this problem shocked me, since we live in a pretty nice neighborhood. After the third kid, I'm not as shocked. Clearly it's Texas state policy to leave kids with the parents until neglect degenerates to abuse.

It sounds like the mom of your young visitor (I'll call him Dennis) isn't actually neglectful, but doesn't have much in the way of parenting skills. Are there other families in your area that have kids his age? Just wondering if there's anywhere else this kid could go.

If you're at your limit of what you can do, then you might just need to sit down and talk to him. You might have to set a "visiting hours" policy. Set up times when it's okay for him to come visit. My front door is magnetic, and I've put a green magnetic chip clip on it when we're available. Unless the green clip is out, don't ring my doorbell! Tell Dennis when he arrives how long he can stay, and be firm about it. When it's time for him to go, suggest other families that might be home with kids able to play. Or -- perhaps suggest chores he could go do around his house to help out his mom? A 5th grader is old enough to clean his room, take out the trash, load/unload the newspaper, sweep the kitchen, vacuum in the den, etc.

Actually, that's a good point. Usually I've had to kick kids out in order for mine to get their chores done. Tell Dennis if he stays you're going to put him to work! Then make sure you do it.

Remember that the kids who are hardest to love usually need it the most! Any time you're willing and able to spend with this poor lonely kid is a blessing. He may never thank you, but I bet he'll remember it.

Good luck.

 

[momz]

A little more info on the situation...I have a 10 year old girl and a 7 year old boy. The neighbor boy mostly plays with my son...my daughter plays at times, but usually isn't interested in playing "boy" things.

I like some of the suggestions on how to deal with him. He is not "neglected", his mother is a single mom and can't justify the costs of child care anymore. She had him at the Y when he was younger. He is a very loving/affectionate young man, always gives me hugs, most of the time uses manners....although he tends to raid the pantry/fridge without asking.

I guess my main problem is that I'm feeling like I'm parenting him as well as my own kids, and I feel a little resentful of that because it takes my attention away from my own kids. There are times when each of my kids have expressed frustration with having "share" their home and their toys.

I can make all the suggestions of chores to do, reading to do...that's not going to work. None of that will keep him occupied.

I will try the suggestion of putting something on the door that signals when it's ok to ring and when it's not. Maybe I can even have him make it (red light/green light kind of thing)...that should occupy him for a little while, and hopefully if he participates in making it, he will buy into the idea.

 

[Ceila]

I agree with the other posters - you need to establish boundaries, and you need to get comfortable with telling him no sometimes when he rings your doorbell. The red/green sign is a good idea.

Does his mom even know that he leaves the house? I never leave my kids alone for that long, but when my husband and I are gone the kids are expected to stay in the house until we get back. Neither one of us would be comfortable with them going out without our knowledge.

 

[mom2travel]

I agree with the other posters - you need to establish boundaries, and you need to get comfortable with telling him no sometimes when he rings your doorbell. The red/green sign is a good idea.

Does his mom even know that he leaves the house? I never leave my kids alone for that long, but when my husband and I are gone the kids are expected to stay in the house until we get back. Neither one of us would be comfortable with them going out without our knowledge.

I agree with both of these comments . You need your own boundaries respected. I can't imagine leaving my kids home all day by themselves at age 10 let alone giving them free reign. But people do what they have to do.

Maybe the mom doesn't even know the son is coming over. Maybe you can
just mention that he has been coming by every day and you wanted to be sure
she knew he was leaving he house since you don't know what his rules are.
Just be careful you don't get "tricked" into offering to watch him!

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

If you have children close in age with him. Maybe you could give her hints of ideas that he might enjoy to occupy his time while at home alone.

Maybe mention some great new books your children like from the library. Does your's have a summer reading program? If so you could just mention it.

Is there some kind of inexpensive/free summer things happening in your area that he could walk/bike to?

I would not do this, the Mom may take it as you offering to take him to these things.

I agree with the other posters - you need to establish boundaries, and you need to get comfortable with telling him no sometimes when he rings your doorbell. The red/green sign is a good idea.

Does his mom even know that he leaves the house? I never leave my kids alone for that long, but when my husband and I are gone the kids are expected to stay in the house until we get back. Neither one of us would be comfortable with them going out without our knowledge.

I agree with this. One summer we had neighbors that were coming over before my kids were even dressed, I finally made a rule that no one could ring the bell before noon and the kids got the hint after I sent them away a couple times and told them "Billy can't play outside until after noon this summer."

When I'm not home my kids aren't allowed outside either. Instead of asking the mom about it, have you asked the boy if his mom knows where he is? I would do that before talking to his mom.

 

[Suzanne74]

I had this issue one summer and finally had to speak to the mom about it. I work full time and hired an in-home babysitter for my kids for the summer. This child would show up at 8 am and wouldn't leave until I sent her home at 9 pm. When I told the mom she couldn't be there during the day, only in the evening when I was home, the mom got really mad and that was the end of the friendshp between us and her daughter and mine.

Obviously she was just using you and not really a friend anyway so that is no loss for you.

 

[Suzanne74]

A little more info on the situation...I have a 10 year old girl and a 7 year old boy. The neighbor boy mostly plays with my son...my daughter plays at times, but usually isn't interested in playing "boy" things.

I like some of the suggestions on how to deal with him. He is not "neglected", his mother is a single mom and can't justify the costs of child care anymore. She had him at the Y when he was younger. He is a very loving/affectionate young man, always gives me hugs, most of the time uses manners....although he tends to raid the pantry/fridge without asking.

I guess my main problem is that I'm feeling like I'm parenting him as well as my own kids, and I feel a little resentful of that because it takes my attention away from my own kids. There are times when each of my kids have expressed frustration with having "share" their home and their toys.

I can make all the suggestions of chores to do, reading to do...that's not going to work. None of that will keep him occupied.

I will try the suggestion of putting something on the door that signals when it's ok to ring and when it's not. Maybe I can even have him make it (red light/green light kind of thing)...that should occupy him for a little while, and hopefully if he participates in making it, he will buy into the idea.

It is obviously bothering you AND your children so boundaries must be set. Tell the mom he is welcome to come over from X to X time a few days a week and stick to it. As a SAHM who gets taken advantage of over and over again, boundaries will be the ONLY way that will work and it must be told to the son and the mom. Most moms should understand you have your kids to worry about and other obligations.

And to be honest, he IS neglected. He spends over 8 hours a day all alone in an empty house. Whether it is money issues or not, no one is caring or paying attention to his well being. It is obvious he is craving for attention and it is sad but when it starts affecting you, your kids and your relationship with them - then it is time to speak up.

 

[okeydokey]

I had this issue one summer and finally had to speak to the mom about it. I work full time and hired an in-home babysitter for my kids for the summer. This child would show up at 8 am and wouldn't leave until I sent her home at 9 pm. When I told the mom she couldn't be there during the day, only in the evening when I was home, the mom got really mad and that was the end of the friendshp between us and her daughter and mine.

Wow, unbelievable. Maybe you should have offered to share the sitter and her fees and see where that would have gotten you.

 

[okeydokey]

OP, when he rings the bell again you will have to tell him that your kids can't play today. Keep it simple, you don't owe him an explanation. If he comes back later, repeat that you kids can't play today. Maybe make a date for a specific day later in the week for a short time.

It is not your job to offer free babysitting to the neighborhood.

 

[fakereadhed]

OP, when he rings the bell again you will have to tell him that your kids can't play today. Keep it simple, you don't owe him an explanation. If he comes back later, repeat that you kids can't play today. Maybe make a date for a specific day later in the week for a short time.

It is not your job to offer free babysitting to the neighborhood.

This!

We had a neighbor kid that would show up everyday for all three meals and stay all day. Started to feel like I was raising him, but my son loved having someone to play with. I started keeping it to twice a week and would tell him not today, come back to play on Thurs. But OP has no reason to continue since he is not really a playmate to the kids. Just say no!

 

[lovemy4sweeties]

I guess I'm the only one that feels differently about this situation. I understand that this is an inconveinence to you, but I actually think you're in a great position to help this little boy and his mom. It's not often that an opportunity like this pretty much falls into your lap. She is a single mother working hard to support her son. He is a lonely little boy who would probably love to spend every day with his mom, but is left alone at home . I understand this is not your problem. I totally get that you don't want to be responsible for this kid.....but honestly, aside from it being a little bit inconvienent and your kids having to share their things (and you), is it really THAT bad? You could really make a difference in this child's life. You could be the one that is there for him when no one else is. This would be a great opportunity to teach your children how to go above and beyond what is expected and be there for a child in need. These next few years in his life are crucial. There are many things he could be doing while unsupervised and for now he is choosing to spend it with you and your children. Personally, I'd like to think that I would put aside my own feelings and welcome this child into my home and allow him to have a safe place to hang out. I can't say for sure since I've never been in this position, but that's what I'd like to think .

 

[lovemy4sweeties]

I had a friend in Kindergarten who would walk home by herself and be alone until about 7pm when her parents came home from work. When my mom found out about it, she was shocked (she was only about 5 year old). My mom felt so bad for her that she asked the little girl's parents if it would be okay for her to come and play with me after school and my mom would drive her home when her parents got home from work. They agreed and as far as I know, my mom just welcomed her into our house and never gave much thought to the inconveinence of it.

 

[Dragoness]

Where is the father or other family members?
I understand she is a single mother. She didnt create him on her own though.

We have always taken in the stray kids from the neighborhood. As I type I have 3 extra kids here now. One who's mom doesnt get off work until 1 am, and the others are tossed between their parents. Granted they are teens now, but they havent always been. 10 was about the age they became friends with my oldest son.
His mom being a screamer doesnt help the poor guy at all. Are there any free activites from churches or such that could come get him, maybe a day camp or something. You know he is lonely and probably scared being alone in his house. Maybe you should talk to her but make sure that she understands that he is not causing trouble. He just needs more attention than you can provide cause you can not do it everyday. Tell her that you have things planned for your family for the summer and you will not be available to be the responsible adult if he needs help. I always looked at it like this. Yes its a pain, yes its inconvient, yes you are being shared with your kids..could I live with the guilt of these kids being bored and doing something stupid and getting hurt or worse. Plus if they were out running around town who knows what someone could do to them. As these boys are now 16 and 17. It doesnt seem now that it was such a inconvience . I am glad that they always knew we were there for them. Even though at times it drove us nuts.
You are in a hard spot. Good luck with whatever you do.
Oh and we did talk to the father of one of them once., he was very good about listening. Maybe this mom will be the same.