Kids and grades

[momx2]

Okay, I have a DD12 in 6th grade. She is very intelligent. She has minor issues with math for which we have her in tutoring. She has no learning disabilities and has the ability, according to all her teachers, to make straight As. Every year at the parent/teacher conference they all tell me the same thing....she just doesn't try very hard. I have known for a long time that she is like me in that I did not put forth a great deal of effort in school and was perfectly fine with making A and Bs and a few Cs every now and then. I never could get why my parents were so mad about me not trying harder. But my parents punished horribly for it. That didn't work obviously.

Now my DD is doing the same thing. She has all the ability in the world, but just chooses not to try her hardest. She says she "trys some." I agree with that and that is why her grades went from all As and one B last term to all Bs and 2 As this term.

I don't want to come down on her too hard, but what can I do to get her motivated before she makes all the mistakes I did? It is just going to be harder on her in the future, but she can't see it, I couldn't then either. Any ideas????

 

[Bluestars]

I would find something that would motivate her. Whether it's to pay her for every A she gets or to reward her with something she really wants once if she brings home a report card that you feel has warranted a reward. Maybe new clothes or something like that.

I don't think she should be punished for bringing home Bs. I think a reward system might encourage her to live up to her potential.

 

[gina2000]

Perhaps becoming directly involved in the process would help her. Sit down with her to do homework and go over key concepts that she is learning. Show her that learning together can be fun.

I think being directly involved puts more responsibility on her shoulders because she realizes that she cannot duck her obligation to herself. Also, it will help her focus on concepts that she may have difficulty with but chooses to ignore.

You may also want to create a triad between your daughter, her teachers, and yourself. Signing planners, regular progress reports, and e-mails may keep you in the loop. Your involvement is critical in helping to create a self-empowered human being!

 

[clh2]

The first thing I would do is take a look at her activities. Is she too busy?

What about how much time does she spend with friends? Is she doing too much "social" stuff?

Are you monitoring her phone/texting/computer time?

I found in middle school that my DD was involved in darned near every thing the school offered, just so she wouldn't have to take the bus home. Her grades were great, so no issues there.

If this were my DD, I would totally be limiting her extra curricular activities, (both clubs, sports etc) as well as her social activities until her grades improved. Everything that is an "extra" should be earned.

Good Luck! My DD is still active in many activities, but she knows that if her grades suffer due to the activites, something's gonna give.

Edited to add: I agree that she shouldn't be punished for getting B's, but there should be a consequence for not trying her hardest. What about setting aside 1.5 hours a night specifically for homework. And, if she has no homework, she can use that time for reading. She may benefit from having a dedicated study time everynight. The TV should be off, she shouldn't be doing phone calls etc during this time.

 

[scottishduffy]

I had a friend in high school whose parents had differing 'lifestyle' levels depending upon her grades.

If she made all A's(or just 1 B) then she got an A lifestyle which included a later curfew, more time with friends(allowed out on a weeknights as often as you liked!), a double in allowance, and not having to pay for extras like cell phone bills and gas and what not. The A lifestyle meant you had proven yourself to be a good time manager and responsible with you work. So you got more priviledges.

if she had at least honor roll then she had the honor roll lifestyle: Curfew went back to normal,allowance was a slight increase above normal. But you could still drive and did not have to pay for the cell phone (No C's allowed). Also time going out with friends was to the normal level(as much as you want on weekend, during the week on case by case basis). She was not allowed to get her driver's icense until she was honor roll because insurance rates went down if the kid was on honor roll. Talk about motivation....

Any C's and you got the C lifestyle: Now you cant go out on weeknights (only once per week on the weekend), if you want the cellphone you must pay for it with your own allowance, You may or may not be allowed to drive, but if you do you pay for 1/2 gas (if prior to age 16 you can't get your license or drive at all with learners permit), Allowance and curfew remain at normal levels, but you must have either a tutor or a severe limitation of TV/computer time... choice made by parents. You may keep extracurriculars for now... but they may be trimmed down.

Any D: The D lifestyle: No cell phone, no car, no going out at all. Computer only for school and acceptance that Mom and Dad are now up your butt like a bad hemorrhoid. You must have a tutor and extracurriculars are gone until grades are high enough to prove you can once again manage both.


I believe she only had a D once.... and that lasted only one term.

There was also some understanding if the kid had been honest about a grade. I believe one term she did get a C but did not have to go to C lifestyle because she came to her parents *early* when she was having trouble and got a tutor early. She still got a C but not the dowgrade in lifestyle since she had asked for the help early.

 

[momx2]

I do email and communicate with her teachers. She knows that I do and will contact them and them me if a situation warrants it.

She is very busy. She is playing rec basketball now, although that won't continue next year when she enters Middle School. She doesn't want to play at that level. She does babysit 2x per week for an hour after school next door, but her main time is spent playing soccer. She plays competitive and is very good.

She begins Middle school in 7th grade. In our city 6th grade is still Elementary and they are the big dogs right now and enjoying every minute of it. We also live in "the neighborhood." We are literally 2 turns from school and she has a posse of friends here. They hang out alot. Although she hangs out less than the others. She likes her alone time. Her best friend is a genuis and doesn't study at all and makes straight As. DD is very jealous of that, but just thinks well she doesn't study, why should I???

I think I might try an hour a day of studying. She rarely studies unless she had a project or exam. She will have to show me what she did during that time because her dad is home with her after school and he is useless in that area. He didn't bat an eye at her grades

I was wondering if I was expecting too much and I see I'm not. Thanks!

 

[Tweevil]

I don't get calls about my son's grades, I get calls on how he is withdrawn..... ugh. He is my only child, doesn't socialize much, and the teachers think he is depressed. When I talk with him he is as happy as a clam and doesn't understand what the problem is. I can't base it on grades because he does well and I have no other measurement.
The teacher communicates but doesn't seem willing to do more than say he is difficult...

I am trying to figure out how to "socialize" my kid when there aren't many programs available in the area.

OP: I would just try to explain to her what you just said, it doesn't get easier as you get older. I hope you get some good suggestions from this post.

 

[momx2]

OMG! I just told her that I didn't want to punish her, but I wanted her grades to improve. I told her we were going to implement the 1 hr. a day of studying and she would have to show me what she did with her time. I told her the tutoring would count toward the one hour per day as well as any other home work she had. Well, the waterworks started folks. She doesn't have time with babysitting and soccer. I didn't want to start an argument with her so I didn't bite at that bait.

She told me that first term she got all As and one B because she tried at school and that she didn't this past term. She basically just admitted to goofing off the entire term at school and thought she was defending herself.

She stomped off to study her math "on her own time" Wahhhhh.......... She is pretty good at this. I'm not responding though. She knows she screwed up. But why does she look at studying an hour a day as a punishment???

 

[momx2]

I don't get calls about my son's grades, I get calls on how he is withdrawn..... ugh. He is my only child, doesn't socialize much, and the teachers think he is depressed. When I talk with him he is as happy as a clam and doesn't understand what the problem is. I can't base it on grades because he does well and I have no other measurement.
The teacher communicates but doesn't seem willing to do more than say he is difficult...

I am trying to figure out how to "socialize" my kid when there aren't many programs available in the area.

OP: I would just try to explain to her what you just said, it doesn't get easier as you get older. I hope you get some good suggestions from this post.

Gosh, that would be difficult. I hate to even mention it, but does he have any signs of Autism?

 

[clh2]

She basically just admitted to goofing off the entire term at school and thought she was defending herself.

Great job...don't take her bait!

You are so smart to nip this in the bud now, before she gets to middle school!!!

 

[minkydog]

She makes As and Bs, and a few Cs? I'm not getting why you would be upset about that. It sounds to me like she is pretty well balanced between academics and extra-curriculars.

I worked very hard in elementary and middle school to make straight As. It didn't make me any happier, nor more popular, nor did it make a bit of difference in how content my parents were with me. Nada. It did make me a bit of a one-sided egg-head, which I didn't like. When I discovered that I could work half as hard and get As & Bs I immediately took that path. I had no interest in making straight As when I could be an A/B student and have a great social life. In the end I graduated 8th in my class, made a 24 on my ACT, and got into college with ease. I got several scholarships, had a brilliant social life and many extra-curriculars. It was a well-balanced life.

I hope for the same with my own children. Grades just are not all that important to me as long as they are trying their best and their social and extra-curricular activies are not out of balance.

 

[MrsPete]

Edited to add: I agree that she shouldn't be punished for getting B's, but there should be a consequence for not trying her hardest. What about setting aside 1.5 hours a night specifically for homework. And, if she has no homework, she can use that time for reading. She may benefit from having a dedicated study time everynight. The TV should be off, she shouldn't be doing phone calls etc during this time.

I agree. For a child who's capable of earning As, the natural consequence of bringing home something lower is that she must study more. Natural consequences make sense on multiple levels.

 

[MrsPete]

She makes As and Bs, and a few Cs? I'm not getting why you would be upset about that. It sounds to me like she is pretty well balanced between academics and extra-curriculars.

I worked very hard in elementary and middle school to make straight As. It didn't make me any happier, nor more popular, nor did it make a bit of difference in how content my parents were with me. Nada. It did make me a bit of a one-sided egg-head, which I didn't like. When I discovered that I could work half as hard and get As & Bs I immediately took that path. I had no interest in making straight As when I could be an A/B student and have a great social life. In the end I graduated 8th in my class, made a 24 on my ACT, and got into college with ease. I got several scholarships, had a brilliant social life and many extra-curriculars. It was a well-balanced life.

I hope for the same with my own children. Grades just are not all that important to me as long as they are trying their best and their social and extra-curricular activies are not out of balance.

A mixture of As, Bs, and Cs doens't earn admission to top colleges, and it doesn't earn scholarships -- not these days. My children are capable of doing A work, and since school is their job, that's what I expect of them. Fortunately, they have the same expectations of themselves.

 

[momx2]

She makes As and Bs, and a few Cs? I'm not getting why you would be upset about that. It sounds to me like she is pretty well balanced between academics and extra-curriculars.

I worked very hard in elementary and middle school to make straight As. It didn't make me any happier, nor more popular, nor did it make a bit of difference in how content my parents were with me. Nada. It did make me a bit of a one-sided egg-head, which I didn't like. When I discovered that I could work half as hard and get As & Bs I immediately took that path. I had no interest in making straight As when I could be an A/B student and have a great social life. In the end I graduated 8th in my class, made a 24 on my ACT, and got into college with ease. I got several scholarships, had a brilliant social life and many extra-curriculars. It was a well-balanced life.

I hope for the same with my own children. Grades just are not all that important to me as long as they are trying their best and their social and extra-curricular activies are not out of balance.

I agree with some of what you say. I guess what I mean is that if she tried at all she would make straight As at this point. I was very proud of her last term for making all As and one B. I don't expect perfection, just an effort. She is just settling and not studying at all except for projects and tests and trust me it's not much then.

She is very well balanced and for that I am and she is blessed. She is very popular, very athletic, is an allstate choir participate, very mature and a great kid, if I do say so myself, but she does squat when it comes to studying. I've been there, done that and just want better for her. I don't want her to study to make straight As all the time, just put forth effort because we all know that lack of effort will affect your entire life.

 

[Pinkpony]

Okay, I have a DD12 in 6th grade. She is very intelligent. She has minor issues with math for which we have her in tutoring. She has no learning disabilities and has the ability, according to all her teachers, to make straight As. Every year at the parent/teacher conference they all tell me the same thing....she just doesn't try very hard. I have known for a long time that she is like me in that I did not put forth a great deal of effort in school and was perfectly fine with making A and Bs and a few Cs every now and then. I never could get why my parents were so mad about me not trying harder. But my parents punished horribly for it. That didn't work obviously.

Now my DD is doing the same thing. She has all the ability in the world, but just chooses not to try her hardest. She says she "trys some." I agree with that and that is why her grades went from all As and one B last term to all Bs and 2 As this term.

I don't want to come down on her too hard, but what can I do to get her motivated before she makes all the mistakes I did? It is just going to be harder on her in the future, but she can't see it, I couldn't then either. Any ideas????

I've been in the same boat as you, times two (twins). I could see early on in that my twins were not living up to their potential in school. I kept warning them..."Turn this around before high school." And every year in grade school and middle school the same thing happened: lackluster grades. (One made a D in music in 7th grade ) I didn't even know you could make a D in music.

So their freshman year I bribed them. Yep, call it bad parenting 101. I don't care. It worked. Sometimes all they need is a little motivation. They only get paid for straight As. Sounds harsh, but they have the ability.

They're juniors now and have maintained their straight As, have won several achievement awards in various subjects, and scored high on their ACTs.

There's no doubt in my mind they'd still be making average grades if I hadn't bribed them, but now they care more about their grades than I do. I don't need to pay them anymore, but I'm keeping my word with them. My reward will be when they receive scholarships for college (crossing fingers).

Not everyone is the same, of course. I cared about my grades in high school and studied hard, but never made straight As. So it wouldn't have worked with me.

My oldest son was not cut out for it either, so we didn't press the issue with him.

If she has the capability, I say bribe her. Reward her. Whatever you want to call it. Make it something smaller in middle school, but make it worth her while in high school (when it really counts). I think you'll see results.

 

[Nette]

DH tells me how he used to be totally unchallenged in school and therefore didn't try at all. He's an extremely intelligent person and was in all the advanced classes and yet still wasn't challenged enough for the work to hold his interest.

Perhaps your daughter is feeling the same way.

 

[momx2]

I don't think my DD wants to be challenged. She loves skimming by too much. She is a social butterfly! I might try the bribery in 7th grade and see how that goes.

The thing that gets me is that I feel scammed a bit. Her one B last time was in math and she does have a hard time in math. The school is somewhat to blame, but that is an entire different thread and a horrible experience we lived through in 3rd and 4th grade. Anyway, she informed me at the beginning of this last term that she wanted straight As and really needed help in math. She has cried and complained that she is in the weakest math class. I spoke with her teacher and she somewhat blew me off (I thought at the time) saying DD could do better but chose not to and that "we" would work to get her math grade up. She thought I shouldn't get her a tutor yet. The teacher said DD only wanted in a different math class for social reasons. Well, DD just begged for a tutor, so now she has one that I am paying big bucks for. Now I find out she hasn't even tried this entire term in anything!!!! I'm trying not to get angry, but it is hard sometimes.

 

[dicar123]

I guess I just don't get it.

Harder for her in the future in what way? Scholarships are certainly nice. What does she plan to do? I'm not sure I'd freak out over grades and getting scholarships if she plans to be a teacher, or a nurse. I even know doctors, lawyers and high-powered business people who lived at home and attended state schools and are doing just fine in their careers.

I guess I just don't understand the POINT of all the pressure?

 

[momx2]

I guess I just don't get it.

Harder for her in the future in what way? Scholarships are certainly nice. What does she plan to do? I'm not sure I'd freak out over grades and getting scholarships if she plans to be a teacher, or a nurse. I even know doctors, lawyers and high-powered business people who lived at home and attended state schools and are doing just fine in their careers.

I guess I just don't understand the POINT of all the pressure?

I don't want to pressure her. I just want her to try to live up to her potential. I'm a lawyer and doing fine in my chosen profession, but I'm still paying the student loans. I also had to sit out a year before going to law school because of my grades and had a hard time getting in with my barely over 3.0 grade average. I'm still paying for my mistakes in not trying in school, paying every month I'm afraid....

 

[golfgal]

You can certainly try everything mentioned but you will never be able to instill self-motivation in a person. They have to want it for themselves. If she is ok with what she is doing then you have to be ok with that. If in the future that means she wanted to go to Harvard and couldn't get in because of grades, well, hopefully that will make her work harder where she does go to school and in a future career. It is one of those life lessons they need to learn and the only thing punishing her is going to do is make her not like school. It is VERY frustrating seeing them not work to their potential but after many years of experience as a teacher and now a parent (who's child would NEVER do that ) there are just some things you CAN'T teach another person and motivation is one of them.