Keeping maiden name when marrying

[Redone]

what's the problem. Take his name. Or don't get married...period. If i ever pass you i will not wait to hold the door for you.

It has nothing to do with independence. See my edit. We were together in the military 12 years ago and have a beaultiful 12 year old daughter whom eveyone knows by my maiden name.

At 12, is she old enough to leave the decision up to her>

 

[Redone]

Shame on all of us! OP elaborated and not one of us responded to her at all!

OP, does your daughter know her father at all? My guess would be no. What would be the circumstances of his move here (Is this a permanent thing?)

I guess at this point I would want to know how she felt about changing her name. Then maybe go from there...

Yes we have kept in touch over the years. She communicates with him on facebook. She is aware he is coming over and we are getting married.

We are going to London for 2 weeks before he comes over here so she gets a chance to know him in person before he comes back with us.

 

[Redone]

er, that wasn't the OP. Unless she has two accounts.

I do have 2 accounts, just trying to hide this one from family

 

[2binak]

As a guy from the United States, I'd have a problem with it. I'd be OK with hyphenating, but I wouldn't have wanted my wife to just keep her maiden name. I feel that having the same last name is a form of solidarity and a way to commit yourself to part of a family.

To the bolded - so you would be ok with changing your last name to hers then right? You know, as a form of solidarity & committing yourself as a part of a family.

 

[snowywhite89]

I can't speak for other people about this, but I didn't really care about the fact that my surname came down in the male line. I didn't want to change my name, pure and simple. After I'd worn it for so many years, it was mine, not my dad's. It was the issue about changing my name, and feeling that I would be losing something important to me with the change.

My DH had no big issue about me keeping my name, but he really wanted to give his surname to our DD. So that was our bow to tradition. I do know a fair number of families where the children have the mother's surname, but here's the funny thing... I have no idea whether the parents are actually married, and it would be kind of intrusive to ask!

I did not change my last name when we got married. DH told me if we had kid he figured they would get my last name.

 

[disney11fan]

As I've said before, there are MANY of those traditions associated with marriage. The giving away of the bride, the hand in marriage, popping the question, etc. Like you, I objected to some traditions and didn't do them. However, many people value them. Different strokes.

For me, taking my dh's name was not an issue at all. It didn't change my identity one bit. I am still who I am. I chose which traditions to embrace, just as others choose. It was perfectly "sensible" to me, and again, didn't change who I was.

thank you. well said.

 

[Pigeon]

He is fine to do so if he so desires. Heck, I could care less if they both take a brand new name. The norm is for the woman to take the man's name. One benefit of doing it this way instead of your proposed way is that it eliminates future confusion.

It's becoming increasingly not the norm, fortunately. It's an old custom based on a woman being chattel.

So, would you be willing to give up your last name "to make a statement that you were entering into a relationship that takes precedence over your childhood relationship with your parents," or is it just women who should have a disposable identity?

I've been happily married for 30 years, with my own name. There's been no confusion.

 

[disney11fan]

Then why do women want to get married to a guy but not take his last name. If you want your own name then just live together as i stated earlier. Why are women so touchy over this. No one is trying to own anyone by using your husbands last name. In the u.s. This is how it['s done.


Another pet peeve of mine. Marriage is between a man and a woman with the same last name. Nothing more or less.

 

[disney11fan]

Maybe we are all in agreement.

 

[walden]

It's becoming increasingly not the norm, fortunately. It's an old custom based on a woman being chattel.

So, would you be willing to give up your last name "to make a statement that you were entering into a relationship that takes precedence over your childhood relationship with your parents," or is it just women who should have a disposable identity?

I've been happily married for 30 years, with my own name. There's been no confusion.

I'm working on 32 years of happy marriage, and keeping my birth name has never been a problem either. It just seemed the right thing to do at the time. For me.

I really think it is a non-issue. The "name" and how one is addressed is merely a social construct. "Mrs" is a courtesy title.

In my neck of the woods most people deal with keeping with birth names on marriage. It is just a choice. I don't criticise people who want to change their names on marriage either. They have their reasons.

I am surprised that in 2011, 31 years after I chose to keep my birth name, it still seems to be an issue. For some.

 

[shortbun]

Then why do women want to get married to a guy but not take his last name. If you want your own name then just live together as i stated earlier. Why are women so touchy over this. No one is trying to own anyone by using your husbands last name. In the u.s. This is how it['s done.


Another pet peeve of mine. Marriage is between a man and a woman with the same last name. Nothing more or less.

Or-they could be brother and sister! Btw, I love this country and it is NOT 'how it's done.' here. We have no laws requiring women become the possession of or take the name of a man she chooses to marry-except in certain cults that are ILLEGAL and then it's not the woman/girl's choice is it? This (name change thing)is a quaint old tradition and many of us left it behind decades ago. We women choose to respect each other's choices but we do NOT appreciate men who try to force feed us their ideas of how we should do things. I think that is what you are failing to understand. Your comments are pretty inflammatory to us as thinking, empowered people. Is that your intention, to make us mad? Some of us don't want to 'use' anyone else's last name when we already have a perfectly good one. And- it's U.S. with capital letters. I'm kind of touchy about that too, out of respect to our country and all that's happened to make it the wonderful place it is, with freedom and justice for all!

 

[disney11fan]

Or-they could be brother and sister! Btw, I love this country and it is NOT 'how it's done.' here. We have no laws requiring women become the possession of or take the name of a man she chooses to marry-except in certain cults that are ILLEGAL and then it's not the woman/girl's choice is it? This (name change thing)is a quaint old tradition and many of us left it behind decades ago. We women choose to respect each other's choices but we do NOT appreciate men who try to force feed us their ideas of how we should do things. I think that is what you are failing to understand. Your comments are pretty inflammatory to us as thinking, empowered people. Is that your intention, to make us mad? Some of us don't want to 'use' anyone else's last name when we already have a perfectly good one. And- it's U.S. with capital letters. I'm kind of touchy about that too, out of respect to our country and all that's happened to make it the wonderful place it is, with freedom and justice for all!

my caps button on my computer and shift key causing problems when i type. my comments aren't meant to inflame at all. i believe what i believe and entitled to that. it's all or nothing...nothing in the middle. it's not about ownership at all. either your one or your not. if you want your own last name ..that's great...but then why do you want to get married. mr. and mrs. or (ms.) with two different names. maybe it works for some but not me.

 

[mlenz]

It saddens me that some men still feel emasculated when a woman doesn't want to take his name, there are many reasons why a family may be a mixture of many names, step or blended families for one. Love is not about a name. My DH loves my son as his own and they do Not have the same name and if he is able to legally adopt him wouldn't have him change his name. We are all on this earth as equals and if having a single family name is so important it should be a family descision I really like my friends Idea of taking their 2 names to form a compleatly new one.

 

[disney11fan]

what is wrong with taking your future husbands last name. we don't want to own anyone or anything. mr. and mrs. john smith not mr john smith and ms. nancy doe (husband and wife). i will never understand the point of view that i want to keep my own last name.

 

[disney11fan]

what is wrong with taking your future husbands last name. we don't want to own anyone or anything. mr. and mrs. john smith not mr john smith and ms. nancy doe (husband and wife). i will never understand the point of view that i want to keep my own last name.

thanks

 

[mlenz]

You don't understand why a woman would want to keep her own name there are MANY reasons, but she shouldn't need one other than I dont want to change my name. I am not against anyone changing their name ,but it seems like it is expected still by a lot of men that the woman take his name, if changing a name is no big deal why don't more men change their names, and take their wives.

 

[disney11fan]

You don't understand why a woman would want to keep her own name there are MANY reasons, but she shouldn't need one other than I dont want to change my name. I am not against anyone changing their name ,but it seems like it is expected still by a lot of men that the woman take his name, if changing a name is no big deal why don't more men change their names, and take their wives.

not in a million years. your funny and make me laugh. that would go over real big in the mans place of employment. somethings should never change like peanut butter and bread and butter.

 

[mlenz]

Womaen make up ove 50% of the work force in the US so you last reasoning makes no sense to me. Are Men really that afraid of what other might think?

 

[disney11fan]

Womaen make up ove 50% of the work force in the US so you last reasoning makes no sense to me. Are Men really that afraid of what other might think?

somethings should never change and this is one of them. if you want to marry take the husbands last name. if you want your independence than take it all the way. live together have seperate bank accounts and insurance and live happily ever after but don't get married.

to answer your question no not afraid of what others might think. but if you notice i'm the only one defending my postion about marriage and name change. would never work for me .

by the way happily married 26+ years and my dw and i have the same last name and it's mine.

 

[disney11fan]

this was a fun thread tonight. but it's time for fox news. have a great night.