just venting -- in laws expecting anniversary party $$$$$$$ and a problem sibling

[Kay1]

I KNOW. Trust me. I KNOW. It has been this way his whole life -- he will say he can't afford to do this or that for the grandparents birthday party and after his parents pay his flight and hotel and food, show up with a new big screen tv the next week. He can't afford to go to the family event in another state so his parents will pay hotel/food/flight for him to go. Then the next week he shows up with a new $800 BBQ grill. It's always been this way -- he will never change.

Then just accept him as he is. If you want to throw a party why not just do so? Throw the party that's within your budget. If others want to contribute they'll let you know.

 

[PaulaSue]

I would do a family meeting NOW. Ask how much each person will give and get the money in a month or 2 and put into a fund. Some will give more or less but know your budget NOW. Plan and save all reciepts and that is what you have to work with. You can get really creative when you know what you ahve to work with.

 

[robsmom]

I think you need to plan what you can afford and are willing to pay for and let others volunteer for what parts they can/want contribute. I have learned over the years that one person planning a party and expecting others to contribute never works out and that a group planning together can work but also always seems to have issues. Now what i do is start by talking to the other family members and saying "have you given any thought to mom and dad's anniversary, or I was thinking about having a shower for mary, etc.". I than take my lead from what they suggest (or let someone else take the lead). People volunteer for things or ask what they can do and we work it out. If someone says "i will get the cake", i say great. I don't pick the cake, I let the person paying decided what they want and from where. If they say "I will pay for the flowers", they pick the flowers. I do not keep receipts and neither does anyone else. I have a sister who has more time than I do and over the years we have learned that sometimes its ok if she can contribute by doing things and I contribute by buying things. Since we have all mellowed out and stopped worrying about being even for everything, it just seems to work out better.

 

[Nancyg56]

I totally agree with this. I've learned in life that some people just won't do what they can even when they can. You can't change them... you can only do what you know is right and feel good about yourself afterwards. This is exactly what I would do!!!

ITA! This is a happy occasion. I would do what I could afford, if you know one sibling is not going to contribute you must make sure that you do not include his share in the budget. I would not leave his name off of the invitation, as others have stated your own laundry needs to be aired indoors and this could cause issues for the parents. have fun!

 

[MomToOne]

I KNOW. Trust me. I KNOW. It has been this way his whole life -- he will say he can't afford to do this or that for the grandparents birthday party and after his parents pay his flight and hotel and food, show up with a new big screen tv the next week. He can't afford to go to the family event in another state so his parents will pay hotel/food/flight for him to go. Then the next week he shows up with a new $800 BBQ grill. It's always been this way -- he will never change.

And I took my daughter to WDW for a vacation just 6 months after my parent's 50th anniversary party that I didn't contribute a dime towards.

I'm sure that just raised some eyebrows. Especially on this board.

But the fact is my daughter and I get very little free time during the year to just be together and enjoy each other, with no one clammering for our attention - our summer vacation is our one chance to do that. So I scrimp and save all year for that. Having that one week to reconnect with my daughter was quite frankly more important to me than the anniversary party. And I could afford only one of the two. That might not sound nice, but it's honest. And thankfully my family respects that.

The thing is, we all get to make our own choices in life about what to do with OUR money. My vacation with my daughter is something I rate as very important, the 50th anniversary party for my parents that my father didn't actually want and my mother wanted only to keep up with my aunt/uncle was something I did not rate very high at all. My siblings on the other hand thought making my mother happy in this regard (and not having to listen to the complaining for years afterwards) was something they rated highly. But did that mean they demanded justification for my choice? No. And they didn't exclude me from participating in the way I felt comfortable. They welcomed the humble efforts I made.

Your brother is just making choices too. He didn't think your grandparent's party trumped a grill. Oh well. That may not be what you think is right, but it is his choice to make. How about asking him if he'd like to participate somehow, and if he does, then ask him just what he'd feel comfortable doing, be it giving cash or doing something else. But don't attack him just because his choice isn't money.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

My three cousins just had an 80th birthday party for my aunt. They chose to have it in a banquet room at a moderately-priced restaurant. Everything was supplied by the restaurant including food, drinks and flowers. My parents asked if they could contribute the cake and my cousin told them my aunt's favorite flavor. They made a slide show of family pictures. Otherwise, there wasn't much for each person to actually do. They deferred the menu planning to my cousin's wife since she's good at that sort of thing. I know that all three cousins chipped in to cover the bill and my parents tossed in some money to help them out.

You might want to get a quote from an all-inclusive venue. That way, no one has to go out and buy anything. If you find out the price for everything in advance, you'll know how much each person will need to pitch in.

 

[janets]

And I took my daughter to WDW for a vacation just 6 months after my parent's 50th anniversary party that I didn't contribute a dime towards.

I'm sure that just raised some eyebrows. Especially on this board.

But the fact is my daughter and I get very little free time during the year to just be together and enjoy each other, with no one clammering for our attention - our summer vacation is our one chance to do that. So I scrimp and save all year for that. Having that one week to reconnect with my daughter was quite frankly more important to me than the anniversary party. And I could afford only one of the two. That might not sound nice, but it's honest. And thankfully my family respects that.

The thing is, we all get to make our own choices in life about what to do with OUR money. My vacation with my daughter is something I rate as very important, the 50th anniversary party for my parents that my father didn't actually want and my mother wanted only to keep up with my aunt/uncle was something I did not rate very high at all. My siblings on the other hand thought making my mother happy in this regard (and not having to listen to the complaining for years afterwards) was something they rated highly. But did that mean they demanded justification for my choice? No. And they didn't exclude me from participating in the way I felt comfortable. They welcomed the humble efforts I made.

Your brother is just making choices too. He didn't think your grandparent's party trumped a grill. Oh well. That may not be what you think is right, but it is his choice to make. How about asking him if he'd like to participate somehow, and if he does, then ask him just what he'd feel comfortable doing, be it giving cash or doing something else. But don't attack him just because his choice isn't money.

I agree that everyone has a right to spend money as they see fit, and if they do not rate something on as high a scale as others, then everyone has to deal with it.

In your case, you have made priorities in your life for you and your daughter. You have goals and plans and often, they are at odds perhaps with the spending plans of your siblings. Thank goodness your siblings do not judge you and accept that if you say you cannot, then you cannot.

However, it appears in the OP's case, that while her BIL may not rate certain things as highly as they do, and therefore chooses not to contribute or not to spend his money on getting to a party or family event, he doesn't seem to have any qualms about accepting his parents' money in order to attend them. It appears that he very clearly announces that he cannot afford to attend, then accepts his parents money in order to go, then spends his money on toys and gadgets. This to me is not someone prioritizing, like you. This appears to be someone who believes that others should pay for him to join in family events, and then spends his own money on himself. To me, that is selfish, not prioritizing.

OP, I'm sorry you're getting this from a family member. In the case of this party, you already know he's not going to contribute, so don't waste your time on him. Get together with the others, set a reasonable budget and go forward. While you've mentioned that your ILs want this party and expect you all to pay because that's what all of their friends' kids have done, you can only make and afford what you can.

I wish you luck going forward.

 

[Pastamom]

just thinking - even though IL's expect a party because all their friends have had one doesn't mean that you have to give one - do what you feel you can do and what is appropriate - just a thought....

Maybe a weekend away at a hotel or send them some place special (like where they spent their honeymoon or got married). If you do something like that you may be able to avoid all the drama and still have the InLaws feel special.

 

[luvmy3]

Its a year and a half away, you are just starting to plan and you already know someone won't contribute, then why don't you just not include them in your budget or plans. I know its family and its easier said than done, but if you stressing about it 18 months in advance I can't imagine what you are going to be going though the month of the party. Just get together with the kids that you know want to be a part of it and have fun planning it instead of misery

 

[shalom]

They expect their children to throw the party. It's what all their friends have done.

I can't help but think that "But all my friends get to!" rarely works when it's kids trying to convince their parents to do something; why is it so effective going the other way?

But assuming the other three families really do want to throw the party, I'm agreeing with those who said just plan it knowing the one BIL isn't going to contribute, and then politely let him know that those who're paying will be making the major decisions. I wouldn't cut him out of things in any obvious sense, not least because that would probably hurt the guests of honor more than it would him, but just make it clear that he's been outvoted. If the rest of you can come to an agreement pretty easily you wouldn't even need to make it a money issue - just tell him majority rules. That won't work if he's good at working people against each other, of course, but doesn't sound like that's an issue so much as he's just being a pain.

I hope you can work out your frustration here or elsewhere and, when the time comes, settle back and enjoy the party.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

However, it appears in the OP's case, that while her BIL may not rate certain things as highly as they do, and therefore chooses not to contribute or not to spend his money on getting to a party or family event, he doesn't seem to have any qualms about accepting his parents' money in order to attend them. It appears that he very clearly announces that he cannot afford to attend, then accepts his parents money in order to go, then spends his money on toys and gadgets. This to me is not someone prioritizing, like you. This appears to be someone who believes that others should pay for him to join in family events, and then spends his own money on himself. To me, that is selfish, not prioritizing.

you hit this nail on the head!

 

[ICan'tWait]

I don't have any suggestions. I just wanted to say we had something similar happen. My MIL wanted to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary and so I planned a get together of the whole family at a nice restaurant. All the siblings and extended family came. The siblings contributed some $ but not even enough to cover the cost of their individual families. I was a little peeved at the cost. Two years later my FIL passed away. The pictures from that party mean the world to my MIL. I'm now so glad we did it, irregardless of the cost. In the end just celebrating their 50th will be worth it. I hope they are with you for many more years!

 

[MarilIncredible]

Ok - I want to bring a bit of a different perspective here. I was "that sister" for my parents 50th anniversary party.

Yes, I work and make a what people would consider a rather good salary. But I am also a single mother. I adopted as a single parent, so no child support or anything else like that. Just my salary to live on, maintain an emergency fund, pay for home repairs, save for retirement, save for daughter's college, etc. My daughter is in a private school because she has a few issues that they can address better, and so I have to pay tuition for that too. Quite frankly, even though I have a good career and make a good salary, I struggle to keep a balanced budget (and no, I don't have any debt other than my mortgage and a small car payment). Right now, my savings rate is nowhere near what it needs to be and I have to take responsibility for that first and foremost, to be able to take care of my daughter if anything happens. So, no, I wasn't going to spend a bunch of money I know I couldn't really afford on a 50th anniversary party.

Thankfully, my siblings understood that my contributing just wasn't an option - without needing to know the details, and despite the fact that I have a better job than some of my other siblings without kids, and send my child to a private school. They never asked me to contribute because they sensed I just couldn't - and they never, ever asked me to justify why I couldn't or challenged me in that regard. And they DID put my name on the invite. I helped out where I could with details like the seating chart and placecards, took care of getting my parents to and from the events (we had a whole weekend of stuff), etc. - I was there to support my parents, and that's what was important to everyone, not how much money I was able to put in.

Just another perspective to consider. You may think you know your siblings finance's well enough to say they "should be able to contribute". But how much do you really know?

But if you don't contribute financially, do you dig your heels in when choices are made with which you disagree, such as the flavor of the cake, or which DJ to hire, and so on?

And just because one doesn't contribute, I wouldn't keep their name off of invitations or cards or anything like that. I just don't think their opinions regarding how to spend the party fund should really count for much.

 

[shortbun]

I think when you are planning a party where the contribution from each paying party is to be $4000, you should be planning a few years in advance to allow everyone to budget for it. In other words, I'd say you are about 1.5 years behind in actually beginning to plan. Imho, you will need to scale down your plans to accomodate everyone's ability to contribute. You need to speak honestly and quickly to all the siblings. Then tell the parents how much money you have to work with and ask them to gert involved in planning what they want. My in-laws opted for a dinner in a private room at a great restaurant with their maid of honor and best man(both couples) in attendance as well as a few really good friends, all their siblings that could attend and their children with grandchildren. It was about 40 people and much cheaper than a huge party for 150 but they had a great time and the tab was around $6000 with drinks and gratuity. No one had to do any work except co-ordinating who was coming and I made some hotel reservations for those coming from out of town-they paid for their own rooms.

 

[MomToOne]

IHowever, it appears in the OP's case, that while her BIL may not rate certain things as highly as they do, and therefore chooses not to contribute or not to spend his money on getting to a party or family event, he doesn't seem to have any qualms about accepting his parents' money in order to attend them. It appears that he very clearly announces that he cannot afford to attend, then accepts his parents money in order to go, then spends his money on toys and gadgets. This to me is not someone prioritizing, like you. This appears to be someone who believes that others should pay for him to join in family events, and then spends his own money on himself. To me, that is selfish, not prioritizing.

And to me, it's just the OPs parents making a choice with THEIR money.

I've had my parents and my sister beg me to attend extended family functions that just didn't fit in with my financial and personal priorities. I've said no based on that. They have then offered to pay my costs. And there have been a few times I have accepted that offer, mainly to make them happy. If THEY want me there so badly they will pay for it, so be it. But it's not MY priority, so I'm not spending my money on it.

But if you don't contribute financially, do you dig your heels in when choices are made with which you disagree, such as the flavor of the cake, or which DJ to hire, and so on?

No, I don't. But the fact is the OP hasn't even talked to the "problem" sibling yet. We really don't know that he's going to do it either.

My point is that family relationships are complex, and so are personal relationships with money. My siblings could have come to a message board and posted a short message about how awful it was for me to not contribute to my parents anniversary party, then to go on a vacation. And everyone would sit there and think that it was just absolutely awful and evil of me. But the reality is that it's a very small one-sided piece of a very large story. Parts of which my siblings don't even know.

Our family has figured out over the years (and through several hard periods) to just let everyone be whoever they are. We aren't going to change each other. You either accept them, and work with it, or you can sit there and complain - which in the end gets you nothing but bad feelings.

 

[eyor44]

My ILs celebrated their 50th several years ago. With three children, only one lived in the same town as them. We ended up doing a party for them at SIL's house and all three chipped in for the buffet that was delivered and served. Both families who lived out of town did what they could to help. DH and I did the invitations and mailed them from our house, can't remember what BIL did, and we all arrived a couple days early to get everything ready. FIL and MIL also wanted a family dinner and they chose the restaurant and paid for it themselves.

Location: SIL's house, not big or fancy, but doable.
For the cake, SIL got a picture of their wedding cake and had it made again. For the drinks, we had a bit of everything.
For the food, buffet food we knew most everyone would like.
The party was our present to them and they greatly appreciate it as they specifically said "No presents".

My parents didn't make it to their 50th. DF passed away a bit before they reached it. Had we done a party for them though, I would have had the same issues as OP. Youngest DB wouldn't have contributed a dime and yet been right in the middle of it making a big deal and eating all the food. And if I give my DM a choice on anything, she always chooses the most expensive. Always. Not what she would choose for herself if she was paying, just whatever the most expensive option is. Youngest DB is the same way. He would want to be a part of the decision making process and choose the most expensive options and then not contribute a dime. Thankfully, we never had to deal with that.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

I think when you are planning a party where the contribution from each paying party is to be $4000, you should be planning a few years in advance to allow everyone to budget for it. In other words, I'd say you are about 1.5 years behind in actually beginning to plan.

WAIT! Did I say $4,000 per each paying party? Did I really type that before I had my coffee or something? I don't think I did........... we have no intention of asking for $4000 per paying party......

 

[sk!mom]

thank you. I'll see what DH thinks about that. I'm just afraid the 4th sibling will say "nothing - I can contribute nothing" like usual because he knows we won't leave him out. This has happened over and over and then he goes and buys a big screen tv or something expensive while someone else picks up the tab.

First, I understand your problem- been there, done that as far as having someone agree to chip in and then they don't. I have found it best to divide up the costs and responsibilities rather than spend a bunch and split it equally. Like one person pays for the food and cake, someone else covers the beverages, etc... I've found them much less likely to bail if they know that there won't be any beer at the party unless they follow through.

As far as making decisions, go with whatever the guests of honor would choose, or majority rules.

That being said, I feel really strongly that we don't get to decide how to spend others money. Although it may seem selfish to you, if one person doesn't want to contribute to a party then they aren't obligated to. We each get to set our own financial priorities. They should however tell you up front if they aren't going to contribute.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

I feel really strongly that we don't get to decide how to spend others money. Although it may seem selfish to you, if one person doesn't want to contribute to a party then they aren't obligated to. We each get to set our own financial priorities. They should however tell you up front if they aren't going to contribute.

I agree 100%. I just have a feeling this one person will say "you go ahead and put down all the deposits and pay the bills and I'll get the money to you later" and then never will.

I just would like him to say if he wants to participate and if so, how much. Once he makes a committment, I'd like him to stick to it and not stiff us with the bill.

 

[Deb & Bill]

I hate these situations all around. If you want to throw a party, those of you who want to do it and are willing to pay for it should throw a party.

But I do think it's sort of obnoxious for some siblings to make plans and expect everyone else to fork over the money. Not everyone can afford or would chose to throw a party for whatever reason, and I don't think they should be pressured to do so.

I don't think you need to make it look like the nonparticipating sibling(s) are part of the host group, but neither should you make a big deal if they don't want to do it.

My husband's sisters do this all the time. They make all the plans ahead of time, then call us and tell us they need $XX from us for "our share". If they would just call us before they start all the planning so we can give some input into it.

We have a "family party" coming up this next weekend. We'll pay about $200 for a hotel for two nights, plus drive four hours each way plus board our two dogs for three nights (at $15-20 per night per animal). The sisters who plan these things live locally and don't have to stay in a hotel or fill their gas tank twice just to get there and back home. Everyone is expected to share the costs of the party equally. I think they owe me money.