just venting -- in laws expecting anniversary party $$$$$$$ and a problem sibling

[kristinw3girls]

After the budget is decided, I'd delagate jobs to each of the children. One in charge of cake, one in charge of drink, decorations, etc. That way all children can contribute something and nobody is stuck doing all of the "heavy lifting".

 

[tommya60]

I'd try and collect in advance--I like the monthly amount suggested by a prior poster. Also, talk to the in-laws and see what they want/expect. I would ask the "non contributing" BIL to help out--both with money and actual work, but assign tasks that are not too critical (ie clean up not invitations). As frustrating as it may be to have to help clean up if he doesn't do his part, it's not as critical/time sensitive as getting the invitations out. And I wouldn't count on the money until you have it in hand.

 

[XYSRUS]

I have been through this twice...with 6 siblings...for 70th and 80th bday. Siblings income go from dirt poor to sky's the limit. I suggest you make a budget first. If 1 doesn't want to contribute, the rest just make up for it. I still would put that sibling's name on the invite. No need to air your dirty laundry to everyone printed on the invite. At the time, it's pretty frustrating and miserable, I know, but now, eh, life goes on, thank G#d! It's water under the bridge and the guest of honor was just that, the guest of honor, with no worries or knowledge of behind the scenes in fighting. Live and let live.

 

[tink2dw]

Grumpy's Gal - When you are doing your Pre Reseach, remember to check area hotels, that will include a food buffet, punch, and a person to restock the buffet as needed. All for 1 price.

Good Ol Gal - CA has Disneyland, you know, it is a very nice World of it's own!!

 

[Pigeon]

I hate these situations all around. If you want to throw a party, those of you who want to do it and are willing to pay for it should throw a party.

But I do think it's sort of obnoxious for some siblings to make plans and expect everyone else to fork over the money. Not everyone can afford or would chose to throw a party for whatever reason, and I don't think they should be pressured to do so.

I don't think you need to make it look like the nonparticipating sibling(s) are part of the host group, but neither should you make a big deal if they don't want to do it.

 

[Kay1]

I hate these situations all around. If you want to throw a party, those of you who want to do it and are willing to pay for it should throw a party.

But I do think it's sort of obnoxious for some siblings to make plans and expect everyone else to fork over the money. Not everyone can afford or would chose to throw a party for whatever reason, and I don't think they should be pressured to do so.

I don't think you need to make it look like the nonparticipating sibling(s) are part of the host group, but neither should you make a big deal if they don't want to do it.

I'm not trying to copy you but I totally agree and was about to post the same.

 

[labdogs42]

No $, no opinion.....

This!

 

[disneycruising]

Oh, I feel for you. We are going through the same thing in my family.

My dad is going to be celebrating his 70th Birthday in Aug. In 2002 he was diagnoised with with cirrhosis of the liver. My sister told him that if he made it to 70... she would have a big party for him. Medically he is doing really well. So, we have started planning the party. My older sister and I will 'give' what we feel we can afford...towards the party. My little sister ...never contributes to anything...so I don't think she will offer to pay anything. I do understand that she doesn't have a lot of money...but if she offered $10, I would be thrilled! I will probably give her a "creative" job to contribute to the party instead. Something that doesn't matter if it gets done or not.

Some times, family issues give me such a .

 

[buckler]

If it were me, and I wanted a big 50th anniversary party, I'd pay for it myself, not ask my kids to pay for it. There will be no arguments about who pays what. They will just inherit less in the future.

 

[mom2travel]

I hate these situations all around. If you want to throw a party, those of you who want to do it and are willing to pay for it should throw a party.

But I do think it's sort of obnoxious for some siblings to make plans and expect everyone else to fork over the money. Not everyone can afford or would chose to throw a party for whatever reason, and I don't think they should be pressured to do so.

I don't think you need to make it look like the nonparticipating sibling(s) are part of the host group, but neither should you make a big deal if they don't want to do it.

I agree with this too. People can't impose their opinions on party-throwing (or gift giving) on others, or their ability and/or willingness to pay for it. My ILs had their 40th anniversary last year. One BIL wanted us to contribute $1,000 to give them a cash gift And he didn't understand when DH told him that was excessive, and even less why DH thought he needed to talk to me before agreeing to make a large purchase (yes, he is 35 and single so doesn't quite get the whole make a decision as couple/family thing). Needless to say, we talked him down from his craziness (that ILs would not even want us to do anyway) and did something smaller scale

When my parents had their most recent major anniversary, we let them pick where we would go to celebrate. DH and I covered the bill and let siblings contribute what they were able, if anything. Parents have no idea how it broke down money-wise, just that we all had a nice night together as a family

If it were me, and I wanted a big 50th anniversary party, I'd pay for it myself, not ask my kids to pay for it. There will be no arguments about who pays what. They will just inherit less in the future.

You're my kind of person!

 

[elcodfish]

I have three sisters, and the oldest is always being the pain. Same thing, no money, no time, then spends gobs of money on crap. You just have to accept it. The other siblings know what is happening, as does the rest of the family. Call around, get an idea of pricing tell all the kids what the final price will be and go from there. Try to find a place where you can bring in outside catering, by making your own cookies and cakes you can save a lot of money. Just tell everyone mom and dad's favorite dessert is chocolate and they love chicken so thats the menu. If they have another idea, they have to get you all the facts about pricing and availability. I think a nice outdoor picnic can be very nice and you can ask some closer family members to bring a dish to share. Good luck!

 

[Tarheel Tink]

Mine had just our family for a day of adventures in Chicago including sailing on a yacht, dim sum, 3D imax and a very personal time of sharing and blessing

I love this idea for myself and DH!

 

[stsomewhere]

We had a 40th anniversary party for my inlaws.
After much discussion on venue, food etc, decorations.,

We decided to have it at a local restaurant (family owned).
We had about 25 people. We choose 4 meals that we liked chicken, a beef, a pork, and turkey. We made a program for the dinner. It had a collage of pics, special dates in their life and the menu we choose. We paid for sodas, wine and beer. We ordered a special cake from the restaurant.

We split it 3 ways and it was about $300 each including the tip.
It was a lot easier than setting up hall and clean up.

For my grandparents 60th, my aunt arranged it at another restaurant. She had each family pay for their own meals ahead of time. We had a banquet room and lemonade, coffee and tea were included. I think we paid about $80 for our family of 4. There was about 60 people there.

 

[ShannonMB]

I couldn't tell from your original post, OP, but has anyone run this by the parents? Maybe they are planning to have a party and pay for it themselves? Just wondering because I can't imagine they want their kids (all with young families and none wealthy) to be shelling out considerable bucks for a party for them. I could be wrong, but I'm interested in hearing their take on it.

I'm all for paying tribute to the folks, and would be all in for a lovely backyard cookout with shared dishes and perhaps floral shop flowers and sparkly lights in the trees! But if DH came to me and said his sibs have decided to throw a party for the folks and our part is $3,000, I would faint, wake up, laugh, and ask him where he's planning on getting his second job till the party. My inlaws are very wealthy, though, so that may be where I get my attitude.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

I couldn't tell from your original post, OP, but has anyone run this by the parents? Maybe they are planning to have a party and pay for it themselves? Just wondering because I can't imagine they want their kids (all with young families and none wealthy) to be shelling out considerable bucks for a party for them. I could be wrong, but I'm interested in hearing their take on it.

I'm all for paying tribute to the folks, and would be all in for a lovely backyard cookout with shared dishes and perhaps floral shop flowers and sparkly lights in the trees! But if DH came to me and said his sibs have decided to throw a party for the folks and our part is $3,000, I would faint, wake up, laugh, and ask him where he's planning on getting his second job till the party. My inlaws are very wealthy, though, so that may be where I get my attitude.

They expect their children to throw the party. It's what all their friends have done.

I should clarify -- no one was trying to plan the party and exclude the one sibling in any way. We just know from past expereinces that he will most likely not want to be involved at all saying he cannot afford it and then show up in a new porche the night of the party or something like that.

 

[Taylors6]

I really like the idea about getting everyone to chip in to a "fund" before you start with anything!

I also think letting the MIL choose alot of the things will make it easier and then you know it's what she would like.

I feel for you though- my in-laws had a 25th anniversary- but it was thrown by her sister in law and her sister- they in turn did the same for those couples when it was their turn- thank goodness because even though it was small we could not have helped financially at that time (DH and I were just getting married!). I did help by doing a re-do on their original cake topper so it could be used at the party.
Good luck to you!

 

[MomToOne]

Ok - I want to bring a bit of a different perspective here. I was "that sister" for my parents 50th anniversary party.

Yes, I work and make a what people would consider a rather good salary. But I am also a single mother. I adopted as a single parent, so no child support or anything else like that. Just my salary to live on, maintain an emergency fund, pay for home repairs, save for retirement, save for daughter's college, etc. My daughter is in a private school because she has a few issues that they can address better, and so I have to pay tuition for that too. Quite frankly, even though I have a good career and make a good salary, I struggle to keep a balanced budget (and no, I don't have any debt other than my mortgage and a small car payment). Right now, my savings rate is nowhere near what it needs to be and I have to take responsibility for that first and foremost, to be able to take care of my daughter if anything happens. So, no, I wasn't going to spend a bunch of money I know I couldn't really afford on a 50th anniversary party.

Thankfully, my siblings understood that my contributing just wasn't an option - without needing to know the details, and despite the fact that I have a better job than some of my other siblings without kids, and send my child to a private school. They never asked me to contribute because they sensed I just couldn't - and they never, ever asked me to justify why I couldn't or challenged me in that regard. And they DID put my name on the invite. I helped out where I could with details like the seating chart and placecards, took care of getting my parents to and from the events (we had a whole weekend of stuff), etc. - I was there to support my parents, and that's what was important to everyone, not how much money I was able to put in.

Just another perspective to consider. You may think you know your siblings finance's well enough to say they "should be able to contribute". But how much do you really know?

 

[BeenHereB4]

I hate these situations all around. If you want to throw a party, those of you who want to do it and are willing to pay for it should throw a party.

But I do think it's sort of obnoxious for some siblings to make plans and expect everyone else to fork over the money. Not everyone can afford or would chose to throw a party for whatever reason, and I don't think they should be pressured to do so.

I don't think you need to make it look like the nonparticipating sibling(s) are part of the host group, but neither should you make a big deal if they don't want to do it.

I agree with this. Some people can afford to pay for a party but think it's a foolish way to spend money. Some would love to, but can't for whatever reason (and you may not know the reason but on the outside they appear well off).

I hate when this party stuff comes up as I am not the type to spend $$$ for a party. It's just the way I am. I also don't expect to be treated as though I contributed.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

Ok - I want to bring a bit of a different perspective here. I was "that sister" for my parents 50th anniversary party.

Yes, I work and make a what people would consider a rather good salary. But I am also a single mother. I adopted as a single parent, so no child support or anything else like that. Just my salary to live on, maintain an emergency fund, pay for home repairs, save for retirement, save for daughter's college, etc. My daughter is in a private school because she has a few issues that they can address better, and so I have to pay tuition for that too. Quite frankly, even though I have a good career and make a good salary, I struggle to keep a balanced budget (and no, I don't have any debt other than my mortgage and a small car payment). Right now, my savings rate is nowhere near what it needs to be and I have to take responsibility for that first and foremost, to be able to take care of my daughter if anything happens. So, no, I wasn't going to spend a bunch of money I know I couldn't really afford on a 50th anniversary party.

Thankfully, my siblings understood that my contributing just wasn't an option - without needing to know the details, and despite the fact that I have a better job than some of my other siblings without kids, and send my child to a private school. They never asked me to contribute because they sensed I just couldn't - and they never, ever asked me to justify why I couldn't or challenged me in that regard. And they DID put my name on the invite. I helped out where I could with details like the seating chart and placecards, took care of getting my parents to and from the events (we had a whole weekend of stuff), etc. - I was there to support my parents, and that's what was important to everyone, not how much money I was able to put in.

Just another perspective to consider. You may think you know your siblings finance's well enough to say they "should be able to contribute". But how much do you really know?

I KNOW. Trust me. I KNOW. It has been this way his whole life -- he will say he can't afford to do this or that for the grandparents birthday party and after his parents pay his flight and hotel and food, show up with a new big screen tv the next week. He can't afford to go to the family event in another state so his parents will pay hotel/food/flight for him to go. Then the next week he shows up with a new $800 BBQ grill. It's always been this way -- he will never change.

 

[Pastamom]

I've been in situations like this a couple of times. I'm often told by my SILs "just pick it up/pay for it and I'll pay you back later" Still waiting for later to happen...

One thing you might want to do is get everyone together and decide what each is willing to contribute then at least you have an idea of what you can afford as a group. I like the idea of a deadline way BEFORE the party, that way you have a back up plan. If he misses the deadline, all he gets is an invitation.

You can also come up with some ideas about where and when. When deciding about things like cake, majority rules or however is doing the "grunt work" - if one or two people are doing all the work they should decide - if MIL doesn't want to.

What does DH say about this? Is he willing to talk to his brother(?) - Not sure if that will make a difference, but it couldn't hurt could it?

Good luck - and sending lots of patience your way...