just venting -- in laws expecting anniversary party $$$$$$$ and a problem sibling

[mookie]

Wow. This brings back memories of a year ago. OP...I'm going to pass on my thread that I posted about this. I've never given the end result, so I'll update you here.

In a nutshell...we had the exact same thing happen. On both sides. DH and I were caught in the middle of one sibling wanting to be too extravagant, and the other thinking that they don't need to contribute anything (and yes...we even had the "big screen TV" scenario! He bought it right after he cried poor.) Anyway...here's how it ended up.

There. was. no. party.

The fighting and bickering between siblings got so out of hand that my DH put and end to all of it. His view was that the party wasn't going to be a success if nobody would speak to each other for years afterward. It was so awful and sad. But, looking back, it was for the best. Unfortunately, it got worse before it got better, because DH also spilled to his mother what was going on, and apologized to her for having children that couldn't get their act together. In the end, there were several words and fights, but it actually helped in clearing the air on various other "feelings." So, it was bad and good at the same time. We celebrated together with low key takeout after the dust settled...but it was just us...and FAR from the crazy party we had been planning.

I'll send the post of the thread as soon as I find it.

OP - best of luck to you, I wish I had better advice or a better outcome. Maybe our family is just way more dysfunctional than most!

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

Wow. This brings back memories of a year ago. OP...I'm going to pass on my thread that I posted about this. I've never given the end result, so I'll update you here.

In a nutshell...we had the exact same thing happen. On both sides. DH and I were caught in the middle of one sibling wanting to be too extravagant, and the other thinking that they don't need to contribute anything (and yes...we even had the "big screen TV" scenario! He bought it right after he cried poor.) Anyway...here's how it ended up.

There. was. no. party.

The fighting and bickering between siblings got so out of hand that my DH put and end to all of it. His view was that the party wasn't going to be a success if nobody would speak to each other for years afterward. It was so awful and sad. But, looking back, it was for the best. Unfortunately, it got worse before it got better, because DH also spilled to his mother what was going on, and apologized to her for having children that couldn't get their act together. In the end, there were several words and fights, but it actually helped in clearing the air on various other "feelings." So, it was bad and good at the same time. We celebrated together with low key takeout after the dust settled...but it was just us...and FAR from the crazy party we had been planning.

I'll send the post of the thread as soon as I find it.

OP - best of luck to you, I wish I had better advice or a better outcome. Maybe our family is just way more dysfunctional than most!

Thank you for your post. I think we may be equally dysfunctional. I would love to see your post if it's ok. I am sorry , really I am, that there seem to be so many people in the same situation. On the other hand, I feel so much better knowing I am not alone....afterall, you all are posting so I know you're not in jail for killing a sibling!!

 

[mookie]

Anytime!! Happy reading!

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2102989

 

[Evi]

I have no advice only wanted to say I can sympathize my df parents are also having 50th anniversary and though his siblings keep saying they want to have a huge party for their parents as soon as you mention money they stop talking. I also have mom turning 60 this year and wanted to throw her a big bash but my siblings told me they aren't in a position to help.

We are thinking of sending his parents on a cruise instead of a party and sending my mom away for a spa weekend. Does this make up for what they deserve? No not at all but the truth is its not in our budget to host to major functions without any help and it would be more affordable to send them off on vacations that we know they will enjoy.

 

[Mommy2JulietJocelyn]

When my parents had their 25th anniversary - my brother & I decided to sent them on a Honeymoon - they never had a honeymoon - we sent them to Vegas because that is where they wanted to go. Their Ann. is in Aug - we told them about the trip on their Ann. we sent them in November. My parents wanted to throw their own 50th because that is how they are too.

 

[Shreggor]

I'd be furious if my family expected me to throw them a party. I don't like being told what to do with my money. Gifts and throwing people parties does not rank very high on my list of priorities.

 

[g3pak]

About the details, I would let the parents decide on the details. Inside or outside, white cake or chocolate, etc.

As others have said, I would agree on a budget and get the money from everyone up front instead of settling up at the time of the party.

I wish you were as fortunate as me. It was up to my sister and I to pay for my parents' 50th anniversary party a couple of years ago. At least that is what we thought. My dad told us with a few months to go that they were in much better shape financially than us and that they didn't want to see us struggle with our finanaces to give them a party, so they insisted on paying for everything. That made it nice- we put the effort into getting everything together and decorating for the event, etc., but didn't have to worry about the money.

 

[bettymae1121]

Even with those that are willing and able to contribute, I would still get the money upfront before spending a dime. I've been responsible for planing group vacations and while all of my friends and family have always come through in the end, there have been a few times when payments have been very close to the wire, and once I didn't get the money until the first day of the trip (it was to Vegas too, I cornered my friend in the hotel room and got the money BEFORE he could head to the craps table! It was all done in fun, but really it was possible he could have gambled it away and while he would have felt horible about it afterwards, I still would have been holding the bag on his share). Anyway my point is that even people that honestly want to help can sometimes be slow in paying, and you don't want to get stuck with the tab if something comes up.

So, once a budget is decided on, set up a payment plan and don't make any deposits until you have all the money. Be upfront on that point, and also let them know you'll be happy to show all receipts and such to anyone that asks at anytime, just for the sake of transparency. Also agree on what to do if things start to go over budget. Will you all agree to put in some more? Or will things need to be cut, and if so what gets cut? Try to forsee as much as possible and agree on as much as possible early in the game.

 

[brandylouwho]

I have read quite a bit of good advice on this thread. My two cents, FWIW is..

get money (or most of it) up front to avoid being stuck with the huge bill. Or be prepared to pay for it. (sort of like never lend money you cannot afford to lose).

realize just because you want to throw a party (or the parents are giving big hints they want you to) does not obligate others to contribute.

if you already "know" this brother will back out-save yourself the stress and plan as if you cannot count on him. And do not hold it against him. Maybe he is selfish, but he has a right to make his own choices-even if you don't agree with them.

People are different & families are different. This would never happen in my family, but happens all the time on by DH side. My MIL in law was told (not asked) she is helping to throw a baby shower for my SIL. When she asked if I wanted to contribute, I said no and do not feel bad about it. I have thrown enough showers to know it is a pain in the butt I don't need or want-especially for someone I am not that close to.

When my DH grandma (and soon after his aunt) died, they were pretty poor financially--we were told how much we needed to "donate" towards the funeral. Very uncool in my book, but we did it as we loved them & could afford it, so we obliged.