Just need to vent...

[Kimberlyann11]

I can see why you thought thanking our parents was for paying but it wasn't. We were married young and they helped (a lot). We thanked them for everything they did for us in our lives as they were a big influence in the people we grew up to be. We'll be married 39 years next month but I don't think it is entirely a generational thing. Our DD got married almost 5 years ago and her bridal party had no money. They were out of school, trying to make ends meet with the jobs they could find and paying student loans. There were no expensive destination parties but they had a great time together locally. They bought simple black dresses in Target for $20 and we dressed them up with lime green Pashmina-like shawls that they girls decided to use as sashes. DD made them matching necklaces and earrings. They did their own hair and makeup. We did an afternoon wedding so people could travel home if they wanted to. Our only real stress that day was that we were doing the music for the Mass and we wanted everything done right. DH, DD and I are in our church's contemporary music group with 20 members (I direct and play flute, DH is lead vocal and guitar, DD sings). DH walked her down the aisle while I played with the rest of the group and then he played the rest of the Mass with us. DD sang her alto parts sitting next to her groom at the altar. Everyone had fun and we felt blessed.

I will tell you that our weddings were very different - but I will never have a problem with anyone thanking their parents. I don't care if it's for paying or for being good parents (which was how I read it the first time).

 

[MickeySP]

I never called people bullies because they disagreed with me. Please read again and then maybe rethink your comment. I called them bullies because they were personally attacking me. Everyone has their own opinion and I really don't care if someone's opinion differs from mine. I care if you cross the line from discussion of the topic to criticizing me instead. Maybe I should have just taken the high road and ignored the people who came in here, quoted something I said and then replied with their own holier than thou comment to stir the pot. I actually tried to further the discussion. I gave my opinion, personal examples, reasons why it worked for my family...all the while still having to explain myself and defend my words. People appear much more concerned with what I have said than OP. Guess I have a god complex now too, right?

But yet you still can't walk away. Last word anyone?!?!

Let's see if this works - black.........?

 

[gwynne]

It may be a generational thing but your idea of a perfect wedding may not be someone elses. I'm judging by the parents comment that you assumed they paid? I paid for my own wedding and most of my friends did as well, that father of the bride thing is getting rarer as usually the bigger focus is on education nowadays. Also, alot of couples live with each other and have relations before they get married. I'm not sure if it's a religious thing but not everyone shares that belief of exploring each other after they say I do, it usually happened way before that. Again, just my viewpoint and judging by the comments it seems alot of people have an old school mentality on how things should be. I don't agree with Bridezillas though, thats another level of crazy.

Just to add-Couples living together before marriage and paying for their own wedding is not a new thing. There were couples doing just that in the 80's and 90's. I knew several happy couples that chose that route.
Now carefully planned after parties? Those are a new trend.

 

[msjprincess]

I've seen some crazy wedding threads before, but I think this one takes the cake.

 

[jrmasm]

I've seen some crazy wedding threads before, but I think this one takes the cake.

Yum, cake!

 

[Kellykins1218]

An after party? How stupid. There's already an after party, it's called the reception. These brides are taking their sense of entitlement way too far.

 

[surfgirl]

The world of bullying is not black and white. What is bullying to one person is not bullying to another.

The world of bullying is different - but it is constant. You have the ability to close your computer and walk away. do it. When kids are being bullied *for real* they can't walk away. The bullies follow them - on the internet or in real life. A different of opinion does not constitute bullying. Just because the majority of posters disagree with you isn't bullying. It might be piling on, but waaaaaaaay different.

OP: sorry for the threadjack, your "friend" needs a ctj talk about how friends treat each other. I think it is admirable that you haven't walked away yet.

 

[cabanafrau]

I wonder if the bride did not sell as many rooms in her block as she’d hoped. When I got married (a long time ago), many hotels offered “perks” depending on how many hotel rooms your guests booked. If you booked a minimum number of rooms, the bride and groom got their wedding night in the honeymoon suite for free. Book more rooms, and they’ll throw in a champagne gift basket or brunch the next morning. For hotels where the reception was on-site, they often offered discounts or freebies on the reception if you booked a larger number of rooms. I wonder if the bride mentally calculated how many rooms her guests would book (including the OP) and planned on those perks. If the OP (and probably several others) didn’t end up booking as part of the bride's block, maybe she’s looking at losing the perks she was expecting.

It certainly doesn’t give her any right to insist that you book a room, but it could explain why she seems to be so invested in where the OP is planning to sleep.

Any bride that's looking for kickbacks out of the participation of her "dear friends and family who should love to spend time together and celebrate" and grouses because she doesn't reach the sales level necessary to line her pockets is a nasty, greedy bride.

 

[Hikergirl]

I just think it's kind of funny that everyone seems to know what the bride said and what was communicated.
At the end of the day it's a party. And if the OP doesn't want to participate in the party with everyone else then fine, go home. The bride has the right to have her feelings hurt.

So you know for sure there is a party planned? How do you know that and the OP who is actually part of the wedding doesn't know that?
The bride really has no right to have her feelings hurt unless the OP bails on the WEDDING. What happens after that has nothing to do with the bride and groom.

I've been to a few out of town weddings, and have stayed in the hotel after. Sometimes the bride and groom stayed and hung out with everyone, sometimes they didn't. These weddings were all in the last few years so not really an outdated concept for the bride and groom to not hang out and party with everyone.
Besides, if the bride is expecting that then she needs to let the wedding party know that. She can't get upset when people don't plan on doing something they didn't know there was a plan to do.

 

[Vernie822]

I wouldn't even call a lot of these get togethers "after parties". Most receptions I've been to, the reception itself ends at 10. A lot of us don't see each other all that often so we go have a few drinks at the bar afterwards. I don't see the issue.

The way people go after others for wanting to do something that, heaven forbid, no one else did 30+ years ago, is ridiculous.

 

[cabanafrau]

Would it help if I BEGGED you not to do this?? Not one single "pre" or "post" celebration more is needed than already exists!!

Just a little lightheartedness while trying to enjoy the subject at hand.

 

[cabanafrau]

I wouldn't even call a lot of these get togethers "after parties". Most receptions I've been to, the reception itself ends at 10. A lot of us don't see each other all that often so we go have a few drinks at the bar afterwards. I don't see the issue.

The way people go after others for wanting to do something that, heaven forbid, no one else did 30+ years ago, is ridiculous.

I don't see the issue with what you've outlined, either. Consenting adults want to get together and enjoy the opportunity to catch up and have fun, fantastic. That's not however the original premise OP has outlined, or the details she's gathered in her subsequent conversation with the bride to be -- no matter how much others who don't know OP or the bride insist there must be an after party happening and it's hurtful for OP not to book a hotel room and participate because they would have been crushed if someone hadn't joined in the after party on their big day.

 

[Disney Dynamite]

I feel compelled to channel my inner Gwen Stefani right now: This thread is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

OP, I'm glad you were able to actually talk to your friend, but I hate to hear it didn't go so well. That sounds like a frustrating conversation. At this point, I'd let her bridezilla behavior roll right off your back and do the best you can to just get through all of the wedding festivities. It's going to be okay! You mentioned having other things going on and problems to deal with. As your friend, she should be supporting you as well. I had the pleasure of un-planning a wedding/dealing with a broken engagement several years ago when I was the MOH for my best friend's wedding. She was my rock, and I couldn't have gotten through it without her. Planning a wedding doesn't excuse someone from being a decent person. If this type of behavior is normal for her, she sounds like an exhausting person.

 

[cabanafrau]

It may be a generational thing but your idea of a perfect wedding may not be someone elses. I'm judging by the parents comment that you assumed they paid? I paid for my own wedding and most of my friends did as well, that father of the bride thing is getting rarer as usually the bigger focus is on education nowadays. Also, alot of couples live with each other and have relations before they get married. I'm not sure if it's a religious thing but not everyone shares that belief of exploring each other after they say I do, it usually happened way before that. Again, just my viewpoint and judging by the comments it seems alot of people have an old school mentality on how things should be. I don't agree with Bridezillas though, thats another level of crazy.

By the same token it seems that there's a bit of a generational thing of not hearing that weddings aren't one size fit all, those of us married a while don't necessarily all think with a collective mindset, aren't interested in how the bride and groom spend their wedding night, and who realize that treasured friends and family who want to celebrate the special day shouldn't be taken for granted and expected to fall in line with every little heart's desire of the bridal couple as a measure of friendship or be faced with pouting, sulking and extortion.

 

[Hikergirl]

I guess at the end of the day, my husband must have a very unique set of friends and family. 14 people were in our wedding party and they all came to the after party. Everyone got along. No one complained, good times had by all. Friends that got married, even those years later, kept the idea of the after party alive. Everyone still got along. Good times had by all again. Our group enjoys spending time together. Even those with kids, even those out of town. So call me whatever name you feel fit, I consider myself lucky to have friends that bend over backwards for each other without even blinking an eye.

I consider myself lucky that I have friends that understand that there are times when a friend can't bend over backwards for them. They aren't selfish or entitled and don't hold it against their friend when they can't. That is true friendship.

 

[Hikergirl]

By the same token it seems that there's a bit of a generational thing of not hearing that weddings aren't one size fit all, those of us married a while don't necessarily all think with a collective mindset, aren't interested in how the bride and groom spend their wedding night, and who realize that treasured friends and family who want to celebrate the special day shouldn't be taken for granted and expected to fall in line with every little heart's desire of the bridal couple as a measure of friendship or be faced with pouting, sulking and extortion.

Yes! It seems like more and more this is what is happening. I swear if my dd grows up to be one of these bride's, I'm going to smack her!

 

[cabanafrau]

Yes! It seems like more and more this is what is happening. I swear if my dd grows up to be one of these bride's, I'm going to smack her!

Sometimes I think the couple doesn't really feel that way, it's just that there are so many pieces moving around them so quickly, under highly charged emotions and stress, and they're often balancing the dreams and expectations of family and friends and before you know it it takes on a life of its own. I've known of couples pretzeled up trying to please a dad's demands, another mom's vision she's always had for her daughter's wedding, grandma's insistence about X & Y traditions and then friends chime in with well meaning ideas that are agreed to early on when stakes seem lower and then it turns into a hassle nobody had the foresight to plan for and everybody's grumpy and claiming the bride is a bridezilla. An episode of Say Yes to the Dress where the focus is only on the stinking dress proves that sometimes the bride can't win no matter what she does. Weddings aren't for sissies, that's for sure.

 

[Kellykins1218]

It's funny how you can clearly tell who on this thread was a bridezilla or who will be one. I pity their friends.

 

[HarleenQ]

I'm glad my friends find value in our friendship outside of me coming to an after the after party after party.

I didn't have one for my wedding. I think a couple of us went to a local bar after the reception and we ended up having one beer and taking off.

The only wedding I've been to ended at midnight and some people hung out in the hotel bar area. I went to bed.

I mean really, I'd somehow be the bad guy for not staying in the bar another hour or two after putting in a full 19 hour day? Lol, no.

 

[VandVsmama]

So just a bit over 24 hr after this thread was started and we are already up to 13 pages! We can do better, people! Who wants to make it to 20 pages? You people are all slackers...you can do better!

ROFL