Just how wrong am I..??

[goofyernmost]

The conversation ( with whomever) should have happened BEFORE they purchased. Did they completely spring this on you or did you already know they were looking at places while visiting?

Be firm, stand your ground about encroachment of space and TIME!

I understand your "dilemma" as I had this conversion with my last remaining uncle (my late dad's brother). I flat out told him to not move back to my ( his old) hometown simply because I live here/ nothing would change/ NO the cousins do not see each other except Xmas eve and I'm not the young girl you remember as I have my own family w/ a grandchild living in my home/ my own health issues and an elderly mother in a memory care facilty to visit often. In other words my plate is full! Shortly thereafter, I'm looking at a senior living apt for him- in my hometown. OMG! I was lucky, he ended up about 40 miles away . YES, I see him about 3 or 4 times a year and that's enough.

I have to disagree. Solving a problem that may not even exist yet, is a guaranteed way to drive a wedge into a family dynamic. If visitation becomes excessive that is when to approach the topic. NO Parent should have to get permission from their children to live wherever the hell they want to live. That works equally for the children. Problems can be addressed when they are real and not just, gee I think they are going to be here all the time. One might find out that the "old folks" have a desire for more than just being your parents.

 

[Maistre Gracey]

Thank you everyone for your well thought out responses.
There are too ma y to respond individually, but I have read all carefully.

 

[AnnaS]

What were the conversations like before they purchased? What was their intent? Are they moving near you permanently? There must have been talk of they plans - maybe with your wife? We will do this, we will go here? We can go out to eat, etc. etc.

Hopefully they will make many friends in their community and want to be around their peers also.

We all want/wish/expect different things from our kids/parents. I love my kids but I also love my time with my "peers".

I hope it all works out for you. Just some thoughts. Don't make too many plans with them even when they first move because they will always expect you to ask them. Have your wife visit them/stop by here and there more than all of you visiting together. Even if you don't, mention here and there you have plans with your friends, period. You might have to show them around at first but do it slowly. They won't find their way/their people if you/your wife are always there for them.

Good luck!! You must come back and tell us how it's going.

 

[Allison]

I think I need more information. Will they be in Florida full-time? Are they coming over every day? Is is just a Sunday dinner?

 

[easyas123]

I think you and your wife need to have a serious, non emotional, conversation where you lay out your expectations, she lays out her expectations, and you two reach a compromise.

OP, you're not wrong. Just sounds like your wife weren't quite on the same page. Sounds like she's encouraging them to be closer by and you weren't quite wanting that.

I think the above comments make good points. OP - consider that having a sincere conversation with your wife is the first step.
In terms of your in-laws, "I'm sorry we aren't available." is a perfectly reasonable response to their request to get together. They can't be a bother to you if you don't allow them to be.

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

I have to disagree. Solving a problem that may not even exist yet, is a guaranteed way to drive a wedge into a family dynamic. If visitation becomes excessive that is when to approach the topic. NO Parent should have to get permission from their children to live wherever the hell they want to live. That works equally for the children. Problems can be addressed when they are real and not just, gee I think they are going to be here all the time. One might find out that the "old folks" have a desire for more than just being your parents.

My answer comes from me assuming the original poster knows his in-laws enough that he was concerned enough to post. I'll stand with my answer.
As with my uncle, the back story, unknown to all of you , gives all my reasons for me having the stated conversation.

 

[bakerworld]

We have a similar situation with DH's brother. DH just can't stand the wife so DH, also, can't stop taking pot shots at them. It does become very uncomfortable. So I avoid them, which I think is a shame. Last night he asked his brother to come help him shingle our shed and his brother said he'd have to check his schedule. DH was like 'what kind of response is that?' and I said, 'That's what we've been saying to them for the last year.' Sometimes it's hard to see your own behavior reflected back.

Personally, I think the Man Cave is a good suggestion. Just drift away and if the Better Half asks, 'what happened to you' well you just wanted to check on something and time got away. They'll all get use to you drifting away.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

NO Parent should have to get permission from their children to live wherever the hell they want to live.

I don't entirely disagree with the bulk of your comment as I gave my examples of how living very close to my in-laws did not end up being a big problem like I initially worried nor do I disagree with the above comment as a general level but I think you need to also concede that sometimes there is dysfunction in the family that create different reasons for different reactions.

You may say that no parent should have to get permission but you also don't concede that sometimes a parent (or parents) follows for lack of a better word their adult child or they may cross boundaries or do other sorts of behavior that would be considered by most to be unhealthy.

My mother-in-law used to joke that if one of her kids moved away out of state she would just move with them. There was a somewhat serious thought about my husband for example thinking about moving to Texas had he stayed in his original field of his college degree as there are less opportunities for that specific degree in our metro and many times my mother-in-law would just joke about if he moved to TX then she would too. There was a degree of seriousness in her joking, as in a very real degree of seriousness.

Sure we don't know with the OP but I do agree with a PP that something in the background has led to a concern here. And the OP would be far from the only ones to have that sort of experience, it's not isolated at all.

 

[mom2rtk]

I think it's legitimate to feel this way. But it's probably not legit to actually say it out loud.

 

[DoryGirl1963]

You're not wrong at all - I know exactly how you feel. My home is my one true safe place that I can relax and just...be. I am quite introverted and being around other people - yes, even family - actually, especially family sometimes, LOL - just drains the life out of me.

If I have to be on guard the whole time I'm home because someone could drop by whenver they feel like it - which is incredibly rude - now I'm anxious and stressed which I shouldn't have to be in my own home.

I'd set limits/boundaries on visits and interactions - frequency, how long, etc. - straight out the gate. It's way too hard to back track and put that horse back in the barn.

& there's nothing wrong with feeling this way. Some folks are not bothered a bit and are quite comfortable & even enjoy being enmeshed with & spending a lot of time with their families, but there are just as many of us that don't feel that way to varying degrees and we deserve to be respected, too, especially in our own homes.

ETA: Also, No is a complete sentemce, as in if they call & want to come over it's OK to just say "Not today" if you're not feeling it - you don't need to offer an excuse or justfy why not.

 

[Anthony1971]

My MIL is now among those above (as are my parents and FIL)
My in laws lived about 10 minutes away.... My MIL would stop by to use the bathroom before going shopping and yes unannounced. Yeah let the jokes rain upon this....
Otherwise they did not stop by unless invited or vice versa. I think it may be better when closer as the coming to visit thing is no longer a thing that can't be done easily.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Really enjoy my in laws company, but…
For the last several years they are intruding on our space.

They live in upstate NY. We use to live in Connecticut, roughly a 2 1/2 hour drive. They would visit (or visa- versa) a couple times a year for a few days. The buffer between us was perfect.

We moved to Florida 10 years ago, and now they visit a couple times a year for a couple weeks at a clip.
I truly like them, but I don’t want them living in my house. Drives me absolutely nuts.

Now they bought a condo 10 minutes away in Florida.
Good point is they won’t be in the house. Bad point is NO MORE BUFFER ZONE.

Major argument about this tonight. Wife PO’d at me, and the in-laws…??? Well not good. I told them this was our sanctuary, and they should not intrude.

I realize some families want to be tight-knit, but that is not my style.

Not sure I can handle it. I need my space, not Sunday dinners (or more) with the In-laws.

I’m super-duper stressed.

Thoughts?

My thoughts are to look on the bright side - they will no longer be staying with you for weeks at a time!

If the argument has already happened, this advice may be too late, but...

If it's just too much "people-ing" to see them often, explain that to your wife (maybe show her an article on introverts or a couple of YouTube/Instagram videos - whichever fits her style of how she likes to learn about stuff) and ask her to visit her folks most of the time instead of the other way around. That way you can tag along when you're up to it but not when you're drained.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

Since they will not have to stay with you for weeks on end in order to see their daughter, there is a chance you will actual see less of them now, even if there does end up being weekly dinners.

You can't forbid them from moving to the area so I would just take it one day at a time and talk to your wife if/when their presence ends up getting intrusive.

 

[QueenIsabella]

I think you should establish some ground rules, first with your wife, then with her parents. Things like: if Sunday dinner is expected each week, do you alternate hosting?

Each side should call for an "okay" before dropping by. Added to that should be "no hard feelings" if it's a bad time, for whatever reason. Keep in mind, it can't ALWAYS be a bad time--it's much more polite to say, "we're slammed tonight, but maybe tomorrow afternoon?" or whatever. So it's not avoiding them, it's setting boundaries.

You should decide if you want them to knock/ring before entering. Lots of people have close-by relatives with keys for various reasons--nothing wrong with that, but if the in-laws are 10 minutes early and you just got out of the shower--yikes!

If they're around a lot, there's no reason you should be expected to entertain them in any way, every minute they're there. A man-cave or chores while they visit your wife is fine. A lot of it is your approach--if they SEE you running to the man-cave when they pull in, that's not a good look. But if you chat for 10 minutes, then say you have to get XXX done and excuse yourself, that's fine. Heck, your FIL may even help with yard work or fixing a chair, if he's inclined to.

When our mom was alive, my sister would drop in on her a lot, partly to do laundry (Sis didn't have a washer/dryer). But--she'd always bring my mom stuff. You know, "I got a great deal on bananas, but I can't eat them all. Here's 3 for you!" It was a win-win--Mom lived alone and didn't get out much, so fresh fruit/vegetables were much appreciated. You could do something similar with Costco runs. It would show that you value your in-laws, even if you don't want to be joined at the hip.