Just how wrong am I..??

[goofyernmost]

The conversation ( with whomever) should have happened BEFORE they purchased. Did they completely spring this on you or did you already know they were looking at places while visiting?

Be firm, stand your ground about encroachment of space and TIME!

I understand your "dilemma" as I had this conversion with my last remaining uncle (my late dad's brother). I flat out told him to not move back to my ( his old) hometown simply because I live here/ nothing would change/ NO the cousins do not see each other except Xmas eve and I'm not the young girl you remember as I have my own family w/ a grandchild living in my home/ my own health issues and an elderly mother in a memory care facilty to visit often. In other words my plate is full! Shortly thereafter, I'm looking at a senior living apt for him- in my hometown. OMG! I was lucky, he ended up about 40 miles away . YES, I see him about 3 or 4 times a year and that's enough.

I have to disagree. Solving a problem that may not even exist yet, is a guaranteed way to drive a wedge into a family dynamic. If visitation becomes excessive that is when to approach the topic. NO Parent should have to get permission from their children to live wherever the hell they want to live. That works equally for the children. Problems can be addressed when they are real and not just, gee I think they are going to be here all the time. One might find out that the "old folks" have a desire for more than just being your parents.

 

[Maistre Gracey]

Thank you everyone for your well thought out responses.
There are too ma y to respond individually, but I have read all carefully.

 

[AnnaS]

What were the conversations like before they purchased? What was their intent? Are they moving near you permanently? There must have been talk of they plans - maybe with your wife? We will do this, we will go here? We can go out to eat, etc. etc.

Hopefully they will make many friends in their community and want to be around their peers also.

We all want/wish/expect different things from our kids/parents. I love my kids but I also love my time with my "peers".

I hope it all works out for you. Just some thoughts. Don't make too many plans with them even when they first move because they will always expect you to ask them. Have your wife visit them/stop by here and there more than all of you visiting together. Even if you don't, mention here and there you have plans with your friends, period. You might have to show them around at first but do it slowly. They won't find their way/their people if you/your wife are always there for them.

Good luck!! You must come back and tell us how it's going.

 

[Allison]

I think I need more information. Will they be in Florida full-time? Are they coming over every day? Is is just a Sunday dinner?

 

[easyas123]

I think you and your wife need to have a serious, non emotional, conversation where you lay out your expectations, she lays out her expectations, and you two reach a compromise.

OP, you're not wrong. Just sounds like your wife weren't quite on the same page. Sounds like she's encouraging them to be closer by and you weren't quite wanting that.

I think the above comments make good points. OP - consider that having a sincere conversation with your wife is the first step.
In terms of your in-laws, "I'm sorry we aren't available." is a perfectly reasonable response to their request to get together. They can't be a bother to you if you don't allow them to be.

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

I have to disagree. Solving a problem that may not even exist yet, is a guaranteed way to drive a wedge into a family dynamic. If visitation becomes excessive that is when to approach the topic. NO Parent should have to get permission from their children to live wherever the hell they want to live. That works equally for the children. Problems can be addressed when they are real and not just, gee I think they are going to be here all the time. One might find out that the "old folks" have a desire for more than just being your parents.

My answer comes from me assuming the original poster knows his in-laws enough that he was concerned enough to post. I'll stand with my answer.
As with my uncle, the back story, unknown to all of you , gives all my reasons for me having the stated conversation.

 

[bakerworld]

We have a similar situation with DH's brother. DH just can't stand the wife so DH, also, can't stop taking pot shots at them. It does become very uncomfortable. So I avoid them, which I think is a shame. Last night he asked his brother to come help him shingle our shed and his brother said he'd have to check his schedule. DH was like 'what kind of response is that?' and I said, 'That's what we've been saying to them for the last year.' Sometimes it's hard to see your own behavior reflected back.

Personally, I think the Man Cave is a good suggestion. Just drift away and if the Better Half asks, 'what happened to you' well you just wanted to check on something and time got away. They'll all get use to you drifting away.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

NO Parent should have to get permission from their children to live wherever the hell they want to live.

I don't entirely disagree with the bulk of your comment as I gave my examples of how living very close to my in-laws did not end up being a big problem like I initially worried nor do I disagree with the above comment as a general level but I think you need to also concede that sometimes there is dysfunction in the family that create different reasons for different reactions.

You may say that no parent should have to get permission but you also don't concede that sometimes a parent (or parents) follows for lack of a better word their adult child or they may cross boundaries or do other sorts of behavior that would be considered by most to be unhealthy.

My mother-in-law used to joke that if one of her kids moved away out of state she would just move with them. There was a somewhat serious thought about my husband for example thinking about moving to Texas had he stayed in his original field of his college degree as there are less opportunities for that specific degree in our metro and many times my mother-in-law would just joke about if he moved to TX then she would too. There was a degree of seriousness in her joking, as in a very real degree of seriousness.

Sure we don't know with the OP but I do agree with a PP that something in the background has led to a concern here. And the OP would be far from the only ones to have that sort of experience, it's not isolated at all.

 

[mom2rtk]

I think it's legitimate to feel this way. But it's probably not legit to actually say it out loud.

 

[DoryGirl1963]

You're not wrong at all - I know exactly how you feel. My home is my one true safe place that I can relax and just...be. I am quite introverted and being around other people - yes, even family - actually, especially family sometimes, LOL - just drains the life out of me.

If I have to be on guard the whole time I'm home because someone could drop by whenver they feel like it - which is incredibly rude - now I'm anxious and stressed which I shouldn't have to be in my own home.

I'd set limits/boundaries on visits and interactions - frequency, how long, etc. - straight out the gate. It's way too hard to back track and put that horse back in the barn.

& there's nothing wrong with feeling this way. Some folks are not bothered a bit and are quite comfortable & even enjoy being enmeshed with & spending a lot of time with their families, but there are just as many of us that don't feel that way to varying degrees and we deserve to be respected, too, especially in our own homes.

ETA: Also, No is a complete sentemce, as in if they call & want to come over it's OK to just say "Not today" if you're not feeling it - you don't need to offer an excuse or justfy why not.

 

[Anthony1971]

My MIL is now among those above (as are my parents and FIL)
My in laws lived about 10 minutes away.... My MIL would stop by to use the bathroom before going shopping and yes unannounced. Yeah let the jokes rain upon this....
Otherwise they did not stop by unless invited or vice versa. I think it may be better when closer as the coming to visit thing is no longer a thing that can't be done easily.