Just How Rude Was This? (Wedding Invitation - Related)

[SaraJayne]

You pay for the headcount you gave them.

And I'm guessing there were some people that showed up that either weren't invited (tagalongs) or changed their minds.

 

[DVCLiz]

Okay, I have to ask - what "came up?"

His parents decided to have a graduation party for him and his twin brother the night before the wedding (which was being held out of state), and invited family from out of town, etc. Another issue for another thread, but again, not my business. It was decided between DD21 and her boyfriend that he would let the bridal couple know they would not be attending, and he forgot to call.

 

[focusondisney]

Don't most weddings charge per head *after* the wedding? Caterers want an approximate head count for food numbers, but most people don't pay until after the wedding is over ~ for the people that were there.

Eh, I don't think it's a big deal. Sometimes life happens and people don't show up.

Not anything your DD or her BF needs to be worried about or stressing over. If he wants to send an apology, that's fine, but I don't think it's needed.

Nope, as others have said, you give a guaranteed number to the caterer ahead of time, usually 5-10 days ahead. My DD was just married last year so I have recent experience with this. Besides that head count, lots of places also had minimum numbers. So even if you only had 100 for example, if the minimum was 125, you had to pay for 125. Oh & no trying to get out of paying You do that ahead of time, too.

 

[DVCLiz]

Wow, I thought when you invited guests to your wedding it was because you wanted them to share one of the happiest days of their lives with them.

I would hate to think my groom and I were "not worth as much guilt" or that my wedding fell lower on the social graces scale because I didn't spend lots of money on the entertainment part or that my invites were not up to the guest's standards.


As for head counts with e-vites, I don't know how you can say that you are not worried about headcount if you use e-vite. I don't personally use e-vites, but many of my friends do. You still have to input each person that you want to invite (just like you have to address each envelope), you still have to mail them albeit electronically instead of snail mail, and e-vite actually keeps just as good a head count as a paper list does. And for the less organized, it is actually better as you have an instant head count each time you log in. It may be tacky to some not to receive a paper invite, but you can't cite not caring about headcount for using e-vite.

And if it was e-vite and you want to push the less formal aspect of it, then the boyfriend could have easilly logged in at any time and changed his "yes" response to "no" and sent a quick e-mail to the happy couple that something had come up and they could no longer attend.

Just not showing up is rude after specifically saying you would. Trying to justify it is as less rude because the happy couple wasn't providing you expensive entertainment, alcohol or heavy appetizers is not only rude, but an insult to the bride and groom who wanted to share their day with their guests regardless of how they invited them or how much money they spent on their wedding.

Mistakes happen. Hopefully the daughter will apologize and move on. However, trying to justify that it was less rude to the couple just because they didn't have an expensive wedding is insulting to the couple.

Well...

I thought when you invited guests to your wedding it was because you wanted them to share one of the happiest days of their lives with them, too. And I thought the way you did that was to send a personal invitation in some form other than a mass electronic mail to a group, with a "click here" button to reply. So that's part one of my confusion. It certainly seems that all the same rules of etiquette would apply, no matter how the invitation came - and if anyone wants to go back and read my OP, you'll find that that was my original inclination as well. But then I began to think, "Hmm, how guilty would I feel about this if it had happened to me and does the fact that it seems so casual to me mean I would or could feel less guilty about it?"

When you say "I would hate to think my groom and I were "not worth as much guilt" or that my wedding fell lower on the social graces scale because I didn't spend lots of money on the entertainment part or that my invites were not up to the guest's standards" it gets to the heart of my question.

There just seems to me to be a pretty big disconnect here - you want me to come to your wedding and treat it as a special social event but you use such a casual means of issuing the invitation, and it doesn't feel personal - more like someone said, "Oh, just send it to everyone - you know half of them won't even bother responding." If you are that concerned about the protocol on your end why be so casual about it on mine?

And I think we will just have to agree to disagree about using evites - to me it is not and never will be acceptable to invite people to a wedding in this way. It takes 44 cents to mail a handwritten "Jim and I are being married Saturday, June 1st at 4:00pm and we would love to have you join us on our happy day" invitation.

And again, it's not the expense of the wedding. It's that I think I would personally feel worse having committed the blunder and also wasting more resources at a more costly event, not that I wouldn't feel bad about it because it was cheaper. I know people have interpreted that from my posts but it's not what I said and not what I feel. It's not that I would feel OK about it if it happened, just that I would probably feel worse about it if more money had been wasted. Because one of those scenarios feels like a "every person has been counted carefully in our budget" event and the other feels like an "let's just have punch and cookies for whoever shows up" kind of event.

 

[mjkacmom]

And I'm guessing there were some people that showed up that either weren't invited (tagalongs) or changed their minds.

I have never, ever heard of someone showing up at a wedding reception who wasn't invited, or decided to come at the last minute.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Well...

I thought when you invited guests to your wedding it was because you wanted them to share one of the happiest days of their lives with them, too. And I thought the way you did that was to send a personal invitation in some form other than a mass electronic mail to a group, with a "click here" button to reply. event.

I fail to see how spending a bunch of money to have invitations printed is more personal than emaling something. Hand written invites would be more personal but I have not ever received a handwritten wedding invite.

 

[DVCLiz]

I fail to see how spending a bunch of money to have invitations printed is more personal than emaling something. Hand written invites would be more personal but I have not ever received a handwritten wedding invite.

I just don't think emailing a wedding invitation is anything that should be done. Period. Ever. It is too informal for even the most informal wedding.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I just don't think emailing a wedding invitation is anything that should be done. Period. Ever. It is too informal for even the most informal wedding.

I love fancy stationary and pretty papers so I would probably never email invited for something meaningful. However, I remember when typing something, rather than handwriting it was considered too impersonal. Then, for a while, emails were considered okay for business or very short notes, but not for "real" letters or anything important of a personal nature. Now things are continuing to evolve and more and more people use e-vites for all types of situations. I see it as times changing--not as not being formal or informal.
Can you pelase clarify which is it though that you are truly concerend about FORMALITY (as your latest post indicates) or PERSONALIZATION (as prior posts indicate--you said a handwirtten on plain paper "please come to our wedding" type of thing was good--but it is not formal) I really am getting lost as to which one is the issue for you.

 

[Ceila]

I agree. If you are sending out evites for your wedding, you are not that concerned about a head count.

I would send a gift with an apology and not think of it again. That should cover it.

FTR, I think that evites are not proper for a wedding. HOWEVER, you are wrong to assume that just because someone uses an evite that they don't care about head count. Those sites most certainly include ways to manage who is invited and how many people are coming. Maybe you've never used one of those sites before, but you can control who the invitation is sent to, whether people can forward the invitation to others, track who has responded, and count how many of the invited people are attending.

 

[DVCLiz]

I love fancy stationary and pretty papers so I would probably never email invited for something meaningful. However, I remember when typing something, rather than handwriting it was considered too impersonal. Then, for a while, emails were considered okay for business or very short notes, but not for "real" letters or anything important of a personal nature. Now things are continuing to evolve and more and more people use e-vites for all types of situations. I see it as times changing--not as not being formal or informal.
Can you pelase clarify which is it though that you are truly concerend about FORMALITY (as your latest post indicates) or PERSONALIZATION (as prior posts indicate--you said a handwirtten on plain paper "please come to our wedding" type of thing was good--but it is not formal) I really am getting lost as to which one is the issue for you.

We're really overthinking this - and since I am not writing a "formal" essay I am sure I have been unclear.

There just seemed to me to be a disconnect between an informal, impersonal (how's that for an amswer - I think it's BOTH!) evite and the level of formality I normally associate with a wedding. That's all - really.

I don't know this couple from Adam and I hope they had a wonderful wedding and are thoroughly enjoying their honeymoon. DD21 will probably write them a note, send them a gift, and fuss a little at her boyfriend. Over and done.

Although if I wanted to open another can of worms I would give you my opinion about people who list board games on their wedding registry....

 

[Cooky]

.

 

[lg3]

No matter how the invitation was sent out, it was rude not to let them know your dd and bf wouldn't be attending. Not attending someone's wedding when you said you would is a personal affront. A nice, sincere note of apology and heartfelt congratulations sent with a gift is necessary and would be all they need to do at this point.
To this day I remember who didn't show up at our wedding reception 12 yrs ago when they responded that they would. Those seats/space could have gone to someone else who probably had to be cut out of the list earlier and would have loved to come.

 

[okeydokey]

Formal or informal, a wedding is one of the most important days of a person's life, so it was just as rude to not show for a casual wedding as it is for an expensive wedding. I hope the boyfriend apologizes for his actions.

 

[DVCLiz]

It was rude and thoughtless to not contact the bride and groom and say that they would not be attending the wedding.

I think the bridal couple should be commended for having what sounds like a sensible budget wedding and reception. I don't see how that makes them any less worthy of respect and consideration than someone who sends out printed invitations and has a fancy dinner with alcohol.

No matter how the invitation was sent out, it was rude not to let them know your dd and bf wouldn't be attending. Not attending someone's wedding when you said you would is a personal affront. A nice, sincere note of apology and heartfelt congratulations sent with a gift is necessary and would be all they need to do at this point.
To this day I remember who didn't show up at our wedding reception 12 yrs ago when they responded that they would. Those seats/space could have gone to someone else who probably had to be cut out of the list earlier and would have loved to come.

Formal or informal, a wedding is one of the most important days of a person's life, so it was just as rude to not show for a casual wedding as it is for an expensive wedding. I hope the boyfriend apologizes for his actions.

Yes, we've established that it was rude.

Now where's that beating a dead horse smiley?

 

[lg3]

Well, doesn't everyone get to weigh in, even if not in the first few posts?

 

[Jennasis]

I fail to see how sending out expensive mass produced, looks-exactly-the same-to-each-person invites are more "personal" than an evite?

I can't even remember the last time I got a wedding invite with handwritten addresses on them (as opposed to either printed envelopes or labels).

So tell me...HOW is a mailed invite "more personal".

it's not. Welcome to the new millenium. I bet people were outraged way back when when the first few invites were mailed, rather than HAND DELIVERED.

 

[DVCLiz]

Well, doesn't everyone get to weigh in, even if not in the first few posts?

lol - the question was not "Is it rude?" I established that it was in the first post.

 

[DVCLiz]

I fail to see how sending out expensive mass produced, looks-exactly-the same-to-each-person invites are more "personal" than an evite?

I can't even remember the last time I got a wedding invite with handwritten addresses on them (as opposed to either printed envelopes or labels).

So tell me...HOW is a mailed invite "more personal".

it's not. Welcome to the new millenium. I bet people were outraged way back when when the first few invites were mailed, rather than HAND DELIVERED.

Feel free to adopt any new standards you'd like, Jennasis - and I'll feel free to think they are tacky. A printed envelope or label is almost as bad as an evite - but not quite. None of those methods are what I would consider appropriate for a wedding invitation. A personal social invitation has a hand written address on it.

 

[SaraJayne]

Feel free to adopt any new standards you'd like, Jennasis - and I'll feel free to think they are tacky. A printed envelope or label is almost as bad as an evite - but not quite. None of those methods are what I would consider appropriate for a wedding invitation. A personal social invitation has a hand written address on it.

Maybe you should let this be known to all your family and friends so they know not to invite you, lest you think their invitation is "tacky".

Honestly. Some people just go out of their way to get their knickers in a wad.

 

[lg3]

Well, doesn't everyone get to weigh in, even if not in the first few posts?

lol - the question was not "Is it rude?" I established that it was in the first post.

LOL - you are absolutely right DVCLiz. Mea culpa. You were asking if it was a lesser degree of rudeness (is that grammatically correct?). I would say probably not.