Just How Rude Was This? (Wedding Invitation - Related)

[LisaInNc]

I think it's less rude because it wasn't a formal event, the email is evidence of that. Also since it's not a sit down meal there weren't 2 empty spaces at a table.

Yes, it's always good manners to call but sometimes life happens. I would send a note telling them she was sorry to have missed their important day and make the DBF pay for the gift.....

Lisa

 

[minkydog]

DD21 and her boyfriend were invited to the wedding of a fraternity brother - the wedding was yesterday. They accepted the invitation and then had a change of plans. DD's boyfriend was supposed to call and let the bridegroom know but forgot, so essentailly they were just no-shows.

DD21 was unhappy that her boyfriend forgot to make the call and I was really in agreement - but then she let me know that the wedding invitation came by email and it was a "click here to respond" type of evite. Also, the reception was no alcohol and hors d'oerves only, not a seated dinner or even heavy hors d'oerves.
For some reason the lack of the traditional invitation and the casual nature of the reception make this somehow "less rude" to me, although it shouldn't. A missed social event without a proper response is still rude, no matter what, right?

But somehow I don't think of it in the same terms I would if they had responded to a formal printed invitation and cost the bride and groom a couple of seated dinners.

DD21 will still send a gift, even though she barely knows this couple.

I was just curious how others felt - the same degree of rudeness no matter what, or a less serious breach due to the informal nature of the invitation and the casual nature of the reception?

Then I guess you would have hated my wedding. But then, I probably wouldn't have invited someone so snooty.

We were dirt poor, but we wanted to get married in a church. Our budget was only $300. I made my own gown(I guess I would have ticked you off right there), wrote my own invites, didn't have a soloist, no flowers other than my bouquet, and my reception consisted of cake, punch, mints, and nuts. The whole thing lasted about 1-1/2 hours. Fine by me. By your standards my wedding would definitely not measured up and therefore wouldn't be worthy of a no-show call.

'Course, it's only lasted 29 years. A lot of our friends who had $20,000 weddings can't say that. I guess we got our money's worth.

 

[Jennasis]

A wedding is not defined by the amount of money spent on it, nor the inclusion of flowers, DJ, a band, cake, first dance, daddy/daughter dance, mom/son dance, fancy gown, bridesmaids/groomsmen, fancy invitations, a sit-down dinner/buffet etc.

It is simply where two people are being wed.

Being invited to such event, by whatever means (formal $50pp invite, evite, word of mouth, smoke signals or Harry Potter's owl) and then no-showing is RUDE.

 

[minkydog]

Being invited to such event, by whatever means (formal $50pp invite, evite, smoke signals or Harry Potter's owl) and then no-showing is RUDE.

Harry Potters' owl Wish I'd thought of that. Woulda saved me about $25 in postage.

 

[Planogirl]

I've noticed from past threads that people in some areas expect a full dinner when they go to a wedding. This is a foreign concept for me so I wouldn't be able to judge the level of rudeness by the type of wedding.

It's good to notify the hosts of any celebration that you aren't able to attend particularly after saying that you would. I think that sending a nice gift with an apology more than makes up for this though.

 

[Katie Dawn]

I have no opinion on the rude/not rude question, but was thinking about this... Even if BF had told the groom they weren't able to attend, just knowing how some guys are, the groom might have forgotten to tell the bride anyway.

I'm not saying that makes it any less right or wrong, just made me smile.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

Then I guess I'm a snob for thinking a more relaxed, informal event requires a more relaxed, informal adherence to protocol.

If the hosts were as concerned with proper etiquette they never would have sent outs Evites in the first place.

It doesn't matter if it was a more relaxed, informal event.

The fact is that the couple DID click "yes we are coming" on the evite, so they were accounted for in the wedding and reception preparations.

They then had a "change of plans" and did not inform the bride and groom that they were no longer attending.

Whether they clicked yes on the e-vite or mailed back an expensive, engraved reception card, they were accounted for. It is rude to just not show up, no matter how they were invited, how much food was offered, even though there was no alcohol or even "heavy" appetizers as the OP stressed.

Saying you are going to attend any event and then not showing up is just plain rude. There is no degree of rudeness to this.

And if your daughter was invited, she should send her apology.

 

[DVCLiz]

Then I guess you would have hated my wedding. But then, I probably wouldn't have invited someone so snooty.

We were dirt poor, but we wanted to get married in a church. Our budget was only $300. I made my own gown(I guess I would have ticked you off right there), wrote my own invites, didn't have a soloist, no flowers other than my bouquet, and my reception consisted of cake, punch, mints, and nuts. The whole thing lasted about 1-1/2 hours. Fine by me. By your standards my wedding would definitely not measured up and therefore wouldn't be worthy of a no-show call.

'Course, it's only lasted 29 years. A lot of our friends who had $20,000 weddings can't say that. I guess we got our money's worth.

Wow, minkydog, you are way out of line with this post. Where in the world did you dream this up? I didn't say ANYTHING about what kind of wedding I think "measures up"! Why in the world would you go off like this? My only question was whether anyone else felt it was more or less rude when the event was more or less formal. You are really out of line here and I think you owe me an apology. I said from the beginning the error on my daughter's part was rude and that it should be addressed - not that I thought she should blow it off because it was less formal.

A wedding is not defined by the amount of money spent on it, nor the inclusion of flowers, DJ, a band, cake, first dance, daddy/daughter dance, mom/son dance, fancy gown, bridesmaids/groomsmen, fancy invitations, a sit-down dinner/buffet etc.

It is simply where two people are being wed.

Being invited to such event, by whatever means (formal $50pp invite, evite, word of mouth, smoke signals or Harry Potter's owl) and then no-showing is RUDE.

No argument from me - I said from the beginning it was rude not to let the hosts know about the change in plans. The only question is whether a less formal event demands the same level of guilt for not properly replying.

It doesn't matter if it was a more relaxed, informal event.

The fact is that the couple DID click "yes we are coming" on the evite, so they were accounted for in the wedding and reception preparations.

They then had a "change of plans" and did not inform the bride and groom that they were no longer attending.

Whether they clicked yes on the e-vite or mailed back an expensive, engraved reception card, they were accounted for. It is rude to just not show up, no matter how they were invited, how much food was offered, even though there was no alcohol or even "heavy" appetizers as the OP stressed.

Saying you are going to attend any event and then not showing up is just plain rude. There is no degree of rudeness to this.

And if your daughter was invited, she should send her apology.

And again, no argument from me - yes, I agree it was rude. That was my original question - is there a "degree of rudeness" factor when the wedding invitation was less formal? Obviously there are two sides to this, which is why I asked the question. I'm not sure how to feel about it, as I said in the OP.

 

[NHdisneylover]

A wedding is not defined by the amount of money spent on it, nor the inclusion of flowers, DJ, a band, cake, first dance, daddy/daughter dance, mom/son dance, fancy gown, bridesmaids/groomsmen, fancy invitations, a sit-down dinner/buffet etc.

It is simply where two people are being wed.

Being invited to such event, by whatever means (formal $50pp invite, evite, word of mouth, smoke signals or Harry Potter's owl) and then no-showing is RUDE.

This. I do hope your DD and her BF send an apology--but I agree it is not your place to tell them to do so.


As far as a wedding invite being an evite, I think it is a great way to help the environment a bit. I also bet they got more RSVPs that way AND people did not misplace their invites and have to call for details later. I really do not think an evite is necessarily less formal--it is simply newer.

 

[NHdisneylover]

No argument from me - I said from the beginning it was rude not to let the hosts know about the change in plans. The only question is whether a less formal event demands the same level of guilt for not properly replying.

I would say it is less rude (but still rude) to no show after saying you were coming to a less meaningful (for lack of a better term) event (meaning a birthday party--they happen every year, or a summer BBQ) than for something more once in a lifetime like a wedding or Christening. However the dergee of "formalness" (which your posts DOES seem to indicate is linked to cost in your mind--ie how would you feel if it was a jeans and t-shirt typed affair on a ranch but the costs for renting out the ranch and a meal there were very high per person? That is not formal but it is pricey.) should NOT matter.

 

[vettechick99]

Then I guess I'm a snob for thinking a more relaxed, informal event requires a more relaxed, informal adherence to protocol.

If the hosts were as concerned with proper etiquette they never would have sent out Evites in the first place.

I agree. If you are sending out evites for your wedding, you are not that concerned about a head count.

I would send a gift with an apology and not think of it again. That should cover it.

 

[DVCLiz]

I would say it is less rude (but still rude) to no show after saying you were coming to a less meaningful (for lack of a better term) event (meaning a birthday party--they happen every year, or a summer BBQ) than for something more once in a lifetime like a wedding or Christening. However the dergee of "formalness" (which your posts DOES seem to indicate is linked to cost in your mind--ie how would you feel if it was a jeans and t-shirt typed affair on a ranch but the costs for renting out the ranch and a meal there were very high per person? That is not formal but it is pricey.) should NOT matter.

I suppose I was thinking in terms of how "expensive" it would have been for the bride and groom to have two people agree to attend and then not show up - and to see how others felt about it. So a ranch wedding in jeans is not the issue, but the cost of what the "entertainment" portion of the wedding is - and I would feel worse to miss that kind of wedding than I would to miss the nuts and mints in the fellowship hall one - not because I think one is better or worse than the other, because I emphatically don't - but because I would think "at least our not being there (WHILE STILL RUDE, OK?) didn't set them back a couple of hundred bucks they could have used on other guests.

And really, I suppose what I really mean is "degree of guilt", not "degree of rudeness". Although I still think it's tacky to send out evites to a wedding - maybe that is a generational thing but it will never be acceptable to me. As others have said, a wedding is (or should be) a once in a lifetime event, and I think it demands a more personal invite than an email. And by the way, minkydog, even on the most limited budget imaginable, a handwritten invitation is the most classic of all, and is always correct.

 

[SaraJayne]

Don't most weddings charge per head *after* the wedding? Caterers want an approximate head count for food numbers, but most people don't pay until after the wedding is over ~ for the people that were there.

Eh, I don't think it's a big deal. Sometimes life happens and people don't show up.

Not anything your DD or her BF needs to be worried about or stressing over. If he wants to send an apology, that's fine, but I don't think it's needed.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I suppose I was thinking in terms of how "expensive" it would have been for the bride and groom to have two people agree to attend and then not show up - and to see how others felt about it. So a ranch wedding in jeans is not the issue, but the cost of what the "entertainment" portion of the wedding is - and I would feel worse to miss that kind of wedding than I would to miss the nuts and mints in the fellowship hall one - not because I think one is better or worse than the other, because I emphatically don't - but because I would think "at least our not being there (WHILE STILL RUDE, OK?) didn't set them back a couple of hundred bucks they could have used on other guests.

And really, I suppose what I really mean is "degree of guilt", not "degree of rudeness". Although I still think it's tacky to send out evites to a wedding - maybe that is a generational thing but it will never be acceptable to me. As others have said, a wedding is (or should be) a once in a lifetime event, and I think it demands a more personal invite than an email. And by the way, minkydog, even on the most limited budget imaginable, a handwritten invitation is the most classic of all, and is always correct.

I really appreciate your honesty--but I think your answer is exactly why many people are feeling that your post is snooty or snobby: you are judging the degree of rudeness or guilt based on how much people are spending to have you at their event. I have to say that really rubs me the wrong way. We spend very little on our wedding too--my aunt worked her tail off making the food as her gift to us, DHs aunt (a former florist) worked her tail off making our flowers (just bouquets for me and two brides maids, 3 boutineers and one cake topper--we did not have flowers in the church), DH and I and a couple of close friends spent the night before the wedding getting the tables set up and decorated, etc. The cost of the extra food and TIME spent setting up for people was a lot for us even if it would seem small to you--more importantly I would worry about someone who did not show (I am anxious like that) and be afraid they had a traffic accident or medical emergency. I think it is terrible to think putting other people to trouble preparing for you (no matter what the cost) and possibly have them worried about you or wondering what they might have inadvertently done to offend you (and therefore you did not come) is somehow more okay if the party they are throwing is on a budget. Some newlyweds may not miss $500 much whereas others might really feel every $20 from their budget, and ALL of them might miss their friends' presence.

 

[mjkacmom]

Don't most weddings charge per head *after* the wedding? Caterers want an approximate head count for food numbers, but most people don't pay until after the wedding is over ~ for the people that were there.

Eh, I don't think it's a big deal. Sometimes life happens and people don't show up.

Not anything your DD or her BF needs to be worried about or stressing over. If he wants to send an apology, that's fine, but I don't think it's needed.

Around here, they ask for a head-count about a week in advance, and you certainly do pay for those who didn't attend. The amount of food a venue provides is based on the headcount.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

I suppose I was thinking in terms of how "expensive" it would have been for the bride and groom to have two people agree to attend and then not show up - and to see how others felt about it. So a ranch wedding in jeans is not the issue, but the cost of what the "entertainment" portion of the wedding is - and I would feel worse to miss that kind of wedding than I would to miss the nuts and mints in the fellowship hall one - not because I think one is better or worse than the other, because I emphatically don't - but because I would think "at least our not being there (WHILE STILL RUDE, OK?) didn't set them back a couple of hundred bucks they could have used on other guests.

And really, I suppose what I really mean is "degree of guilt", not "degree of rudeness". Although I still think it's tacky to send out evites to a wedding - maybe that is a generational thing but it will never be acceptable to me. As others have said, a wedding is (or should be) a once in a lifetime event, and I think it demands a more personal invite than an email. And by the way, minkydog, even on the most limited budget imaginable, a handwritten invitation is the most classic of all, and is always correct.

Wow, I thought when you invited guests to your wedding it was because you wanted them to share one of the happiest days of their lives with them.

I would hate to think my groom and I were "not worth as much guilt" or that my wedding fell lower on the social graces scale because I didn't spend lots of money on the entertainment part or that my invites were not up to the guest's standards.

I agree. If you are sending out evites for your wedding, you are not that concerned about a head count.

As for head counts with e-vites, I don't know how you can say that you are not worried about headcount if you use e-vite. I don't personally use e-vites, but many of my friends do. You still have to input each person that you want to invite (just like you have to address each envelope), you still have to mail them albeit electronically instead of snail mail, and e-vite actually keeps just as good a head count as a paper list does. And for the less organized, it is actually better as you have an instant head count each time you log in. It may be tacky to some not to receive a paper invite, but you can't cite not caring about headcount for using e-vite.

And if it was e-vite and you want to push the less formal aspect of it, then the boyfriend could have easilly logged in at any time and changed his "yes" response to "no" and sent a quick e-mail to the happy couple that something had come up and they could no longer attend.

Just not showing up is rude after specifically saying you would. Trying to justify it is as less rude because the happy couple wasn't providing you expensive entertainment, alcohol or heavy appetizers is not only rude, but an insult to the bride and groom who wanted to share their day with their guests regardless of how they invited them or how much money they spent on their wedding.

Mistakes happen. Hopefully the daughter will apologize and move on. However, trying to justify that it was less rude to the couple just because they didn't have an expensive wedding is insulting to the couple.

 

[wdwfan16]

DD21 and her boyfriend were invited to the wedding of a fraternity brother - the wedding was yesterday. They accepted the invitation and then had a change of plans. DD's boyfriend was supposed to call and let the bridegroom know but forgot, so essentailly they were just no-shows.

DD21 was unhappy that her boyfriend forgot to make the call and I was really in agreement - but then she let me know that the wedding invitation came by email and it was a "click here to respond" type of evite. Also, the reception was no alcohol and hors d'oerves only, not a seated dinner or even heavy hors d'oerves.

For some reason the lack of the traditional invitation and the casual nature of the reception make this somehow "less rude" to me, although it shouldn't. A missed social event without a proper response is still rude, no matter what, right?

But somehow I don't think of it in the same terms I would if they had responded to a formal printed invitation and cost the bride and groom a couple of seated dinners.

DD21 will still send a gift, even though she barely knows this couple.

I was just curious how others felt - the same degree of rudeness no matter what, or a less serious breach due to the informal nature of the invitation and the casual nature of the reception?

Same degree of rudeness. They accepted the invitation and should not have altered their plans. Your DD was wrong to go to the other event with her BF since she knew of the wedding and acceptance.

 

[wdwfan16]

Don't most weddings charge per head *after* the wedding? Caterers want an approximate head count for food numbers, but most people don't pay until after the wedding is over ~ for the people that were there.

Eh, I don't think it's a big deal. Sometimes life happens and people don't show up.

Not anything your DD or her BF needs to be worried about or stressing over. If he wants to send an apology, that's fine, but I don't think it's needed.

You pay for the headcount you gave them.

 

[mjkacmom]

Okay, I have to ask - what "came up?"

 

[Mickey's Minion]

Don't most weddings charge per head *after* the wedding? Caterers want an approximate head count for food numbers, but most people don't pay until after the wedding is over ~ for the people that were there.

Eh, I don't think it's a big deal. Sometimes life happens and people don't show up.

Not anything your DD or her BF needs to be worried about or stressing over. If he wants to send an apology, that's fine, but I don't think it's needed.

Every caterer I have every used has needed a head count at least one week before the party. How else do they know how much food to prepare and bring? And regardless of whether people show up and eat that food or not, you still have to pay for the food you ordered from the caterer.

I have never heard of a caterer say "oh, you had x amount of people not show up, so we will just eat the cost of the food we prepared and brought to you." The caterer bought the supplies, prepared the food and brought it to the party. Somebody has to pay for it, whether it was consumed or not and it sure won't be the caterer. They are not in the business to give away food and labor. If you order food for 100 people, you are going to pay for food for 100 people, regardless if all 100 show up or only 50 show up.

Heck, even at the neighbor's kid's bowling party, they needed a head count a few days before and you still had to pay for those kids you confirmed whether they showed up or not.

As for the bolded part,