Journey back to ME!!- I'm getting bugged!!

[goldcupmom]

9/20 BL Day 9 NS OS WW did not weigh.....out too early running errands

sm banana(1)
fiber cake(1)
wrap(1)
mustard, lettuce, tomato, banana peppers(0)
beef(2)
3 pcs ww chocolate(3)
baked tostitos(3)
veg meat(1)
ff cheese(2)
salsa(0)
activia yogurt(2) free sample in Costco....lunch!!

32 oz diet sunkist, 34 oz water

I'm bored, blue, frustrated & lonely tonight & trying NOT to eat bad for me stuff. DD is working. DS22 is asleep after being out 'playing' with friends all day & decided to come home at 5 to sleep & get up at 8:30 to work all night. Of course this is DS19 only night off all week & he spent a LONG time cleaning the TV room(including a bunch of DS22 messes), and the patio area so he could have 4 friends over tonight to watch a movie & have a fire in the firepit. DH says he has to not have them over so DS22 can sleep as he has to work. Compromise??? Not in this house. So, they were quietly eating pizza in the TV room & DS22 calls DH (who is at the casino....hasn't missed a night this month) and complains. Then he calls me...every other word is the F word, then DH calls me. Then DS22 begins POUNDING on the wall of the TV room and screaming obscenities. Fortunately DS19 friends decided they'd just go outside. I am SO TIRED of this house revolving around DS22's every whim!!!

I won't even get into DH who won't even invite me to the casino. Just his sister...who everyone there thinks is his wife!!!

So, here I sit, making French flash cards for DS19, surfing Dis, and occasionally crying. Oh well, just another lovely night in Paradise!! Alas, tomorrow is another day....... I'd really like to take the dogs & go thru DQ drive thru...get them a 'pup cup' and a GIGANTIC peanut buster parfait for me.....NOT!!!! It wouldn't solve anything..... or hop in my car & just drive & drive until I came to FL then stop.....but I can't and won't......

The clincher is that DH tells DS19 & mainly me that HE was raised to be considerate of others & if DS22 wants to sleep, we should be perfectly quiet... Funny, but DH comes in from the casino every night after I have FINALLY gone to bed & turned out the lights(between 9 & 10.. NOT really early), trying to sleep. I leave the TV on w/ no sound so he has some light. He turns on LIGHTS, volume of TV, then proceeds to lie ACROSS the foot of the bed (even my side) watching TV until about midnight each night. As he goes to bed, he wakes ME to take the dogs out (but he's still awake) and when I get up at 5:30 to wake everyone, make everyone's lunches, breakfasts & potty 4 dogs, he sleeps until 7:15. If I so much as open the bedroom door, I'm in trouble. And then there's the after work naps so he can stay up late.........sigh.......such consideration.....I'm tired & just plain worn out emotionally and physically......

 

[wilderness01]

Julie,

Hugs to you. Can I be brutally honest? I have visited you a time or two before and honestly your story goes from bad to worse it seems. From the sounds of it, you are in a completely destructive marriage where you are being abused. There are more aspects to abuse than just physical, and it seems you are being abused emotionally. I really can't think of it getting worse unless he hits you. He seems like he is the most selfish person around and doesn't take your needs or feelings into any kind of consideration ever. How do you continue to live like this?

Have you gone to talk to anyone? I really mean this, your husband can make you go crazy. As far as your 22 year old son, he needs to go. He is following in your husband's footsteps and seems abusive to you from what you have stated. He is a man now, and needs to move out to get on with his life. Your husband must definately puts your 22 year olds feelings above yours always, which is pathetic.

I'm sorry if I am stepping over a line, but please go back and reread your posts. If you can't, print them out and bring them to a counselor. You need to get strong and protect yourself. You sound completely miserable and beaten down.

This doesn't seem new. It seems like a continuation and really, how long can anyone live like this? Please, take care of yourself.

Again, I apologize if I am out of line, but from an outsiders point of view, everything that you report going on in your life is just wrong, wrong, wrong and makes me so sad. There seems to be zero consideration for your feelings ever, no help in any of your work and for that your husband and your son should be ashamed of themselves. They both sound like bullies that need to be put back in their place.

I hope one day you can find the strength to either go to counseling or leave this situation before it beats you down any more than you have already been. I'm really sorry this is happening to you.

 

[pearlieq]

Oh Julie, I wish I could give you the biggest hug right now. I worry about you so much and pray for you.

I've followed your story for so long, back even when DS22 was DS19. Things seem to be getting steadily worse and I'm very concerned for you. The negative issues in your family seem to be draining the life right out of you.

There's a problem with DS22. You know it, everyone knows it. But when you say you're tired of the whole house revolving around his issues, I wonder why it does. You're the adult. Between you and your DH, it's your house and what you say goes. Screaming obscenities at his mother and brother is NOT acceptable behavior, neither is being violent. Yelling and banging on the wall is violent behavior. Neither you, nor your other kids, deserve to be held hostage by a troubled young man.

Obviously you love him--no mother would do all that you do out of anything but love. But I think you're loving him to death. He's not getting better. He's just getting older and more volatile.

As for your DH, I'm really worried there too. A loving husband doesn't treat his wife the way he treats you. A caring husband doesn't spend every night at a casino, leaving you with the crushing burden of everything you keep up. A respectful husband doesn't make decisions for his wife and undermine her authority--he treats her as a valued partner and works with her to AGREE on a plan of action.

I know sometimes we all vent about our husbands. Mine can sure pull a doozy every once in a while. But the things you described last night aren't an isolated incident. It's been the same story with your DH for years now, and again, it's not getting better. It doesn't seem like typical male buffoonery--I would have to agree with wilderness01 that it sounds more like abuse.

This is NOT what marriage is like for everyone. The way you describe his behavior is NOT normal. This is NOT all you deserve. You deserve a loving, supportive husband who cares about you and your family, who will work with your help fix the issues that are causing trouble.

I'm saying this out of love and concern. I'm really, honestly worried and sad for you. I want better for you, because you're such a wonderful person.

I think some counseling is a great idea. Family or marriage counseling would be ideal, but in the end, you can only control yourself. Some counseling sessions for you may help you figure out why you've been willing to settle for less and how you can change how you react to the things that come at you.

Everyone always says the same thing to you, and tonight I mean it more than ever--take care of yourself. You're precious and you deserve better.

 

[toystoryduo]

Oh Julie,

Sweetie, I am so sorry for all that you have been through and are going through at this time. Please, please, please do whatever it takes to take care of yourself first. You have put everyone else ahead of your own needs and now, it's time to focus on you.

I am praying for you. If there is anything that I can do for you, please let me know.

You are a wonderful and an amazing person, Julie. I am honored and blessed to call you my friend.

 

[goldcupmom]

wilderness, Pearlie, Tracy, thanks so much for caring & being here for me!

What you're saying is nothing I don't know, unfortunately.

I know that DH extreme tolerance for everything DS22 is rooted in fear....fear that if he doesn't somehow protect him & keep him near, we will find him in a gutter somewhere, dead. His parents went thru much the same thing with his oldest sister who was into drugs, an alcoholic, married at least 4 times, we were told in '82 just after we married that her liver was so bad she had been given 3 months to live....she finally died in 2003 of cancer after having been in a wheelchair for years & married to a guy about 20 years her senior who every day would wheel her to the local bar. His family is full of OCD & addictive personalities....DS22 definitely has the genetics!!!

DH doesn't however, see what his tolerance for DS22 is doing to the rest of the family....such as it is. He hold hope that DS22 will do a turn around at some point. I know that DS22 has almost 0 self esteem at this point (who would) and that much of his behavior is an escape. He, like DH, however, is NOT a social, people person...AT ALL... and he originally used his bizarre dress/hair as his way of hiding....if people thought you were strange in HS, they wouldn't talk to you. Unfortunately, that also drew him the wrong crowd who he thought were his friends, who pulled him down the wrong path.

I saw it coming. But I grew up with a dad who was military & a mom who was so overcontrolling in the opposite way. But, the discipline, in most ways, was a good thing....in retrospect, of course. My mom was over the top, but I knew that & was able to cope...things like unmaking your bed if it wasn't made good enough & having you do it again...& again....&again...just aren't normal. But you learn to deal with it....I still, however have scars (emotional) from being told at age 8 that if my mom wasn't Catholic, she would have had an abortion,,,,that she should have had an abortion,,,that she didn't want me, & I shouldn't have been born. She was too old for another baby. Thus, my DSis in FL who is 9+ years older is more like my mother.....and she is the one who gave me the papers showing me that my mom actually tried to put me up for adoption.

And why, exactly, do I have emotional eating problems??????

But, my God has been good and sees me through. I do have some tough times, though.

We have tried counselling about DS22. Has done no good. When he was younger and we originally went, DS & DH twisted it all around so it was ME who was the problem. I yelled at DS, spanked him, grounded him, took away privileges, expected him to do things & then followed thru & made him, didn't tolerate him calling me names, etc...... Didn't work out too well......

DH casino trips I think are his outlet....more of his escape from reality. That I understand, but the every night thing is ridiculous!!!! But September is "Free Ace" month & he HAS to go use it every day.....he plays blackjack. Thankfully, he's good at it and is ahead at this point.

I am frequently reminded that I CHOSE to be a SAHM. As his very British father always said "I work, that is my job for this family" (no offense Tracey!) He finally mellowed between 50 & 55, so maybe there is hope for DH. And DH does do much more than his father ever did at home & w/ kids, but it's the emotional strength that is lacking.....

right now I'm focusing on trying to get my physical life in order, trying to decide what to do with the rest of my life. I quit teaching to stay home with kids, owned my own business for a while before we moved, again. I have a degree that is basically worthless where I live now....an MA in Spanish/Russian. No market for the russian & very few here do not already speak spanish. I never got a teaching degree as I did not plan to teach...I went thru 2/3 of Law School instead before by accident I discovered I loved teaching.

Everyone here seems to believe that since I don't get a paycheck, that I do nothing (very typical thought of most towards SAHMs). But so wrong, and so hurtful! I get real tired of being the 'family n****r'! And I do not mean that in a racial way at all!

When DS22 moved back home 3 years ago on 9/9, DH was determined that he would be out again in 12 - 18 mo, & that there would be rules. But, they have not been enforced. I physically can't enforce them and honestly, am a bit too fearful to try. DS22 has never been physical, but I would not bet it would not happen. Yes, he pounds on the walls to try to get them to turn down the TV, & screams a LOT, but mostly he's a big wussie....so far. Weeks ago when DH went into DS22 room to get out dishes, he had a talk w/ DS22 & said it had to get cleaned & DH was going to check it weekly. hasn't at all yet.....which is typical.

I'm basically surviving by faith right now. Faith that somehow my marriage will survive this and come out stronger on the other side. Faith that I can somehow keep DS19 & DD with in the 'normal' range. Faith that God will somehow be able to reach my son before it is too late. I have other events in my youth that have made me strong, but I won't get into them (if you'd like the story, I'll let you know, but it's long...it's basically my salvation story) and I feel like God has maybe put me in this moment for this purpose. I just don't know.

At present my hormones are crazy...I'm ready to be thru with Hormone Hell!! DD's hormones are whacked...no period since FL, extremely moody. She's always been really irregular. And, she thinks she found a small lump in her right breast....I told her to wait a week, if we still feel it, we'll get in. Given her moods, I'd say TOM is about to make a rip roarin' appearance.

I go to the Breast Dr on 10/2....already getting nervous, but what else is new? After that, I need to make an appt to get my veins behind my right knee looked at/fixed. They've been bad since 1989 when I was pg w/ DS19 & are only getting worse.

Well, this is a marathon post & I haven't eaten yet today. maybe should go find some lunch that isnt chocolate!!

Thanks for being there! I love you all!!

 

[goldcupmom]

Ok,

9/22 BL Day 11 NS 177.2 OS 173

ww quesadillas(8)


34 oz Crystal lite

got everyone off & was able to get back in bed & take a NAP!!! didn't sleep long, but felt good just to lie there!

DS22 is out helping one of his WalMart bosses do a landscaping job ( & supposedly getting paid $10/hr)

DS19 is at school, but I have to pick him up. Yesterday, between drumming for 3 services in the morning & going back to teach evening college bible study, he started work on his car. Got the oil drained & valve covers off & 1 replaced before he had to leave. So it isn't running today. And, when he pushed it out of the drive, he left a trail of oil which DH wasn't too happy about. fortunately, this kid will clean it...eventually......

DD & I watched Speed Racer last night & had a comfort food fest. None of her friends could do anything on her only day off & she was grouchy to begin with & having a pity party. Ran to get milk & got her the new "joy of cooking' frozen mac & cheese. WOW is it good!!! and a pink of Cherry Garcia. I had 3 bites of the mac & cheese (ok, big bites) and some lite turtle ice cream. Still WAY TOO MUCH!!!!!! Tonight she's shopping after school with a friend, then I have no clue.

At some point today I have to exercise since I slept thru my morning walk time & now it's getting hot...well....84 isn't that hot, but it is for me. I'm hoping to get a good start on my bathroom clutter (ok, I admit, I still haven't unpacked the bathroom stuff from my 3 weeks of being gone!)

I'm also trying to figure out something to do for DH 50th bday on 10/15. Personally I want to go somewhere, but then again, I am always in favor of running away from home! A party isn't happening as we really don't have any friends, there's no family around & DH wouldn't want one anyway.....not very social. I have no idea on a present either.......UGH!!!!!!

Well, lunch has been fun, but I must get something done today to keep up the illusion that I do actually do something!

Later.....

 

[wilderness01]

Oh Julie, I don't even know what to respond to your post. I am just so sorry that you are going through this and living like this.

I completely understand about fear and losing your son. I get it, believe me. I know you know that isn't healthy. Please try to take care of yourself. I understand that fear is crippling, been there, done that, still many times doing that. I understand this kind of fear really brings you to your knees, but your husband needs to stop treating you so badly, despite his fear of losing your son. Actually, he may in fact lose you instead.

I'm just really concerned for you and will keep you in my prayers. I know you said that counseling didn't go well the first time, but please reconsider it, if for no one else, then for yourself as an outlet. Take care.

 

[goldcupmom]

Oh Julie, I don't even know what to respond to your post. I am just so sorry that you are going through this and living like this.

I completely understand about fear and losing your son. I get it, believe me. I know you know that isn't healthy. Please try to take care of yourself. I understand that fear is crippling, been there, done that, still many times doing that. I understand this kind of fear really brings you to your knees, but your husband needs to stop treating you so badly, despite his fear of losing your son. Actually, he may in fact lose you instead.

I'm just really concerned for you and will keep you in my prayers. I know you said that counseling didn't go well the first time, but please reconsider it, if for no one else, then for yourself as an outlet. Take care.

thanks so much!! you say it so well, it's as if you are inside of my head!!! it means a lot to me!!

 

[traceycooper]

Julie
i really dont know what to say!! others have already said it!
my only other worry is that your DH has a gambling addiction
just please take care of yourself

(oh & no offence taken on the British comment )

 

[goldcupmom]

thanks, all! I'm hanging in there!

Tracey, the one I worry about with the gambling addiction is DH sister....she doesn't work & her day hinges on going to the casino w/ DH & she isn't content to go, play her $20 & leave, she stays for sometimes 8 hrs at a time!!

SCARY!!!!

9/23 BL Day 12 NS 177.2 OS 173

fiber 1 yogurt(1)
fiber 1(0)
blueberries & raspberries(1)
panini(7)
pork chop(3)
potato(3)
mushrooms & onions(2)
sf rice pudding(2)


84 oz water, 23 oz diet powerade

75 min walk with Sashi, 35 min WATP 2 mile express + stretching

Spent yesterday being a grease monkey helping DS19 w/ his car. Learned to change spark plugs, valve covers, oil, distributer cap,,,,,, I can for sure say I do NOT want to be a mechanic!!!

Off to watch BL & maybe wrap some Christmas (I keep promising myself I'll get started on that) & work more in my bathroom while I watch.... More tomorrow.....

 

[Amy&Dan]

Oh Julie, my heart is just breaking for you. You are really getting it from all ends Wish Sis and I want you to know you are in my prayers!

I can't even imagine what its like to have a ds22 in your life. We all love our kids and think it can't happen to us but it can. I can see how your husband is fearful but his bullying of you isn't helping. I also feel bad for ds19, who worked hard to clean things up for his gathering only to have ds22 make it stressful. Very likely ds22 is jealous of his younger brother who has so much going for him.

I know you said you did counseling and it didn't help. Try another counselor! And another and so on until you find somebody who can help you. Just go yourself at first. At this point you need to focus on yourself first. Remember you first! Think of the flight attendants who in their little safety demo tell you to put your own oxygen mask on before you help anybody else. Its time for you to put that mask on and save yourself. Because in the end, you can't do anybody a damn bit of good until you yourself are in a better place.

I am proud you resisted that peanut buster parfait the other night, that's my favorite emotional eating drug and it was my mom's too!

Keep that faith, its really an anchor. But I think you need some other support as well. Just know that you have a host of friends here on WISH that support you and love you.

And from one SAHM to another, we work our a**es off and we need to not forget it!

 

[goldcupmom]

Thanks, Amy! Yes, we SAHM do work it....too bad it doesn't seem to burn calories!!!

I have a small bear that DD bought me. It wears a leotard that says "If STRESS were a diet...I'd be a size 5" Ain't that the truth!!


9/24 BL Day 13 NS 178 OS 174

fiber 1 yogurt(1)
fiber 1(0)
blueberries/raspberries(1)


Drug my sorry carcass to the gym immediately this morning....first time in a LONG time. Swam for an hour.....54 lengths....1350 meters....and did arm stuff on the stairs.

Very frustrated with the scale as it is moving in the WRONG direction. Oh well......

Off to the bread store & grocery for a couple of things. Finally got to bed around 11, then DH woke me at 1:30 to tell me DS19 wasn't home from work....I went out & dog was out of the crate, so DS19 was sleeping. Then dogs needed out at 4:45, so I've been up since then. I MAY try to squeeze in a little nap.....

 

[Amy&Dan]

I hope you get that nap in today Julie. Did you know that sleep deprivation can cause weight gain? Good job getting to that gym. Don't let that scale worry you, think long term!

 

[toystoryduo]

Sending a gentle and lots of prayers your way, Julie.

Remember Zephaniah 3:17:

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

Love ya WISH sis!

 

[goldcupmom]

Sorry I've been MIA... I have stayed OP and exercised every day. Probably too much as my scale is moving in the WRONG direction

Yesterday I spent over 9 hours planning DDs choir trip....4 options.....travel, meals estimates, hotels, etc. to see what is the most feasible for parents to afford. Last year's trip got cancelled due to cost since the planners forgot to add in the cost of kids buying all their own meals....oops!!!

Choir director wants to do a 3 day cruise out of long beach. Truly looks like the best option, and we can take Amtrak for cheap to get there. At the initial meeting on Thurs night, we had a mom ask how the passengers on the ship were 'screened' so she could be sure her child wasn't around the "wrong" type of people. Wow!!! and the kid is at least a Soph in HS!!! I did really well and containing my laughter!

Next week will be a stressful one for me as I go to the breast spec. on Thurs. And, I need to call Monday to get DD in to the gyn. She always has the odd health things & I can tell she's beginning to worry. Better safe than sorry. Prayers appreciated for both...y'all know I'm a worriwort!!

Today is DH company picnic. Has always been that they rent the zoo for an evening, have food, drawings, entertainment. This year they decided to have it at the Hispanic Cultural Center...basically 3 hrs of nothing...so I'm not sure I want to go be tempted with burgers, hot dogs, slaw & potato salad for that. Zoo was fun & a good amount of walking.

Need to do the usual laundry & work on my atrocious house (what else is new). Planning to walk today & swim tomorrow (or vice versa) Had to get DD up for an 8 am DQ meeting so I"m up while everyone else sleeps.....sigh.....

I'm really frustrated with the scale as I'm officially up 1.5 this week for BL6....actually exercising and OP. Didn't make it to WW due to the choir trip planning marathon. Can't blame it on TOM as I have no clue when/if TOM will arrive. I won't give up, tho....I can't!! But it sure is tempting & makes it much harder to want to get out there & move...

9/27 BL Day 17 NS 177 OS 172.5

wrap(1)
egg beaters(1)
veg sausage(2)
banana peppers(0)
romaine/butter lettuce(0)
veg chili(2)
ww cheese(2)
cookies(6)
ww ques(8)

54 oz water, 32 diet powerade

More later when I figure out food. This week I've been journaling on paper when I haven't been posting here. I've been good! Life just isn't fair sometimes!

 

[goldcupmom]

9/28 BL Day 18 DNW

fiber 1 yogurt(1)
fiber 1 cereal(0)
blueberries/raspberries(1)
flatbread(7)
chips/salsa(3)
ww cake(2)
ice cream(4)
fiber cake(1)

95 min walk, 20 min walk

48 water, 32 powerade, 16 water

 

[DisDee]

Hey Julie-You're just a walking machine. Good for you! My thoughts and prayers are being sent your way for your appt. with the breast spec. and for life in general too! Think positive thoughts and remember-doctors are our friends. Thanks goodness we now have advanced diagnostic technology available to us.

Have a wonderful week!

 

[toystoryduo]

You're doing a great job getting your walks in, Julie! Keep up the good work!

I hope you have a wonderful week ahead!

 

[goldcupmom]

Dee, as much as I convince myself that Drs are my friend, they scare the pee out of me!! Someday, maybe I'll get over it.....

Walking, walking, walking....this morning I left as soon as I got DD off for school & swam for 66 min. Did 50 tricep pushups on the stairs & 50 normal pushups on the stairs & my arm are like jello....but very HEAVY jello!!

Scale still refuses to budge. But the scale at the gym says I was 2 lb lighter than when I went to swim last week....

9/29 BL Day 19 OS 172.5 NS 177 Gym 174

ww string cheese(1) before swim
fiber 1 yogurt(1)
1/2 c blueberries/1/2 c raspberries(1)
fiber 1 cereal(0)
almonds(3)
crackers(2)
ww cake(1)
green beans(2)
home made pizza(10)
1/2 fiber 1 bar(1)

32 oz diet Powerade, 73 water

66 min lap swimming incl. 100 pushups, 60 min walk

DD worked last night & I wanted to walk the dogs over for a 'pup cup'. Convinced DH that it really wasn't 5 miles each way, but more like 2 (2.04....I'm getting REALLY good at estimating walking distances ) He decided to come along. Truthfully it was the slowest walk I've been on, but we did average about 2.7 which is good considering he doesn't exercise AT ALL. Got there, I ordered a small cone in a cup(ie no cone), DH got a large choc dipped cone. Ate that, went home where DH proceeded to drink about 2/3 bottle of wine, 1/4 pkg of cookies, bunch of cheese, cheese breadsticks and more. OMG!!!!!!! But he walked.

Called & got DD a gyn appt. 10/13 at 11:30......that way she can go to school & be there for lunch if she wants ...it is the most important class!!

Today I need to run to WalMart & get a couple other errands done. I'm hoping to get a WATP tape in as well. I'm getting close to my minutes goal for the month and would like to make it, but it will be tough!!

Thanks for the Tracy! I needed that!!

 

[goldcupmom]

9/30 BL Day 20 OS 172 NS 176.6 Gym 174

wrap(1)
egg b(0)
turkey sausage(2)
ww quesadilla(4)
1/2 fiber 1 bar(1)
bite mac/cheese(1)
king ranch ckn(8)
cookie(3)

32 diet powerade, 40 water (liquids could have been better!!)



79 min walk, 55 min walk, weights

Not sure on food yet. need to run some errands.

Frustrating that today is day 20 of BL and I am now back to where I started. Oh well......

I really want to make my exercise goal, so I need another 60 min today I think......ouch!!!!

More later....