Journey back to ME!!- I'm getting bugged!!

[Amy&Dan]

Julie, I love your cruise report. It makes me excited for our cruise next summer! That is scary the way ds19 was hassled to buy drugs. Too funny about your sil winning the money right off the bat at the casino.

I hear you on the struggles to get back in check with food. One step at a time is smart, you can do it.

That is great your dd made friends on the ship!

I hope you are having a great day today!

 

[goldcupmom]

So, I have good intentions, but am literally eating everything in sight. Not just 1 of something, but an entire BOX, sometimes TWO!!

Analysis...bored, lonely, depressed, sad, unfocused.......

Came back from the cruise fine. Then life kicks in. DH suddenly decides he HAS to go to KS to 'smoke a cigar' w/ his buddies from when he worked there....almost 8 yrs ago. Couldn't wait to book had to be NOW. So, of course, expensive. Left Thursday morning w/o even saying goodbye. I just stood there. Not like I was really expecting a goodbye hug or kiss or anything....that hasn't happened in literally YEARS....part of my problem.

On the cruise my DSis & I talked about how the 6 of us kids have been together 3 times in the 26+ years I've been married....my wedding, dad's funeral, mom's funeral. And, my oldest brother is now pushing 70!!! I'm the baby at 48. So, I spent 3 days researching all-inclusives, cruises, land vacations, etc, came up w/ a cruise, sent the few relatives I know an email, and in over 2 weeks I have heard from NO ONE! DSis talked to 2 of them & they said why would they want to go on a cruise??? But none have the courtesy to call & tell me. Oh well....it's not like we've ever been close. Truthfully, my weight problem is rooted in lack of family...at the ripe old age of 8 my mother started frequently reminding me of how I never should have been born and that if she hadn't been catholic she would have had an abortion. Then at under 10, right before my DSis got married she showed me where the paperwork was that my mom had had everything prepared to have me adopted when I was born, but my dad & 4 oldest siblings stopped it. Gotta feel the love! We don't even put the 'fun' in 'dysFUNctional'!

And, since I've been back, I've spent most of my time alone. DH has spent hours on end at the Casino with his sister. DD has been working and now school, DS19 work and taking advantage of the last of his summer, DS22 work, sleep & who knows what.

So, in my solitude, I've been turning to the one thing that has always been there.....food! I feel like I'm almost consciously eating myself into a stupor to avoid the pain.

But, finally sitting here writing it out helps....I think! I have got to get it back under control!

What I really need to do is get out & find somewhere, somehow, to make some friends to talk to & see people sometimes other than the grocery clerks. But, I've always been hesitant as the best place to meet people is work....I don't currently... and church. I am so self conscious, I hate going to church alone, so that is tough. People here just aren't friendly....remember my 'dog poop throwing neighbors??

I'm a bit 'confuzzled' (to quote DD). I know what I need to do, but can't seem to make myself do it....at all.

I need to make my yearly appt at the breast specialist, but I'm convinced that if I do it will be bad. I have a funny 'lump'... I think a cyst from usage...behind my right knee on the outside on that big ligament/tendon thing...my depressed mind says 'gee, you must be dying'. Hormones are whacked. TOM decided to show for 1st time in almost 4 months the day DH & DS19 landed in FL so the entire cruise was so much fun w/ cramps! Better me than DD, though. And, my allergies/sinuses are horrid! When I lay down & turn, look, anything to the right I get off balance/falling/slightly dizzy feelings from the pressure. Fortunately it's very sporadic, or I'd be convinced I had a brain tumor, too! Pollen here is out of control.

I didn't make WI on Thursday as I had to haul DS19 & his drums to church. Oh well......Can't say I was looking forward to it!

My house is a wreck, my life is a wreck right now, & all I want to do is sleep and eat. Sleeping would be a better choice at this point.

But, this too shall pass....it always does.....

 

[DisDee]

Julie, please just take some time to stop and focus on yourself. You are always doing so much for your family, and you need to put yourself first sometimes. Just step back and take a look at the big picture, then focus on what you need to do for each aspect of your life where you want to make some type of change. Just do 1 thing at a time! I totally understand when you say you know what to do but just can't seem to actually do it. I too find myself feeling that way quite often.

You know my feelings regarding the medical appt. Do it! You will feel much better once you schedule it. Please take care of yourself!

I know you said you don't like to go to church alone, but perhaps you could join some type of committee or woman's group as a way to expand your social circle. Is there some type of hobby that you might enjoy or maybe a charity that you feel strongly about?

Hang in there and keep us updated. Don't beat yourself up over the food issue, its just not worth it. I'll say a prayer for you for some inner peace.

 

[toystoryduo]

Oh Julie,

I wish I lived closer to you. I'd come over and give you a great big and a shoulder to cry on. Sweetie, it sounds like you need to take some time to focus on you right now. You are always doing so much for others...Now it's time to do something just for you!

Know that your WISH family loves and cares about you, Julie. We're here for you, WISH sis!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Julie, I am so wishing I lived close by and I could come over and have a real face to face chat with you. You have some heavy burdens Wish Sis but I know you can face them and conquer them.

First of all, the pain you feel with your mom has to be beyond hard. We expect our moms to just love us unconditionally. What your mom did to you was very wrong and very selfish. She probably had her own demons in life and just didn't have the coping skills to deal with a large family. If your brother is 70 and you are 48, she clearly spent most of her adult life having and raising kids. I think the silver lining in all of this is that you have your sister and you stopped that cycle by being a fantastic mom to your own kids. Sometimes people treat their kids and raise them as they were, you didn't. You have been a hands on, loving mom who is always there for them. Somewhere your own mom is probably looking down and smiling that her daughter did the job she wasn't able to do.

Have you thought about maybe volunteering somewhere? I know firsthand going out and looking for a job after a long absence from the work force is scary. But I have decided to volunteer through my church, I figure I am doing them the favor so it makes me feel less on the line and vulnerable and is a way for me to get out of the house and back into an environment where I can be with people and then gain some confidence to go out and find a job, even something just part time.

I am sorry that your siblings didnt' bother to get back to you. That frankly stinks and is rude. But don't take it personally. Maybe you and your sister can go on another cruise? I am so glad you have her and she has you. The others, well, they don't know what they are missing.

Hang in there, I think sometimes we go through periods in our lives where nothing seems to be right. I know you can get through all of this because you are one of the strongest, most loving and giving people out there. Just remember to be loving and giving to yourself. Because you deserve that.

Find something outside your home, whether its through your church, a different church, some sort of support group, whatever. You need to be with people. Your dh can ignore you and then go to work, you don't currently have that outlet. Have you ever thought of writing your dh a letter to tell him how you feel and how lonely you are? Even if you don't give it to him, just writing it all down, can be helpful.

Hang in there Julie, we all care about you and are pulling for you. Sorry I have gone on and on, but I worry about you and want you to know that I am here to support you! And I agree with Denise, don't beat yourself up about the food issue. It happens and right now when your heart heals, the food issue will follow.

 

[traceycooper]

Hi Julie
I cant say much more than DisDee, Tracy & Amy
your kids are all grown up now & have a life of their own, you need to start your own life now, its hard taking that 1st step going out into the big scary world, but when you do you'll realise its not as bad as you thought, live your life Julie please dont look back & regret it

 

[toystoryduo]

Hi Julie,

Just wanted to stop by and let you know that I am thinking about you and praying for you, WISH sis. I hope things are going well for you.

 

[goldcupmom]

I'm still here, y'all! Just busy, contemplative & trying to catch up.

I've decided that until I get my house under control (think tornado here - DS19 gutted his room, DD didn't get new furn - but decided to gut hers anyway), my 2 garage sales over (I have emptied my ebay storage closet into my living room) and my exercise/eating back to some semblance of order, I'm not going to pursue anything else. I have to do these things for ME as they are all driving me insane! There is literally not a room in my house that is not totalled or you can freely walk thru or actually sit on furniture. UGH!!!!!

In the mean time, I've booked another cruise. The one I tried to get my siblings to go on. I heard from my oldest brother who said 'no' he can't afford it...right...he gets 10K/mo from the government as the consultant to the space shuttle if there is a bird problem ever or an environment problem, he's the head of a major university in FL, has a TV show in Mississippi, is drawing retirement from a MS university, numerous books, and a radio show that I know of. Plus his wife is a dept chair at a University. The youngest brother (whose wife is a Dr and he's a DA) said they're too busy and can't afford it as he's buying ANOTHER historical building and converting it to apts, just bought 2 more houses & is working on a couple of govt grants to pay for it all..... Never heard from the Middle brother or my oldest sister, or any of the 14 adult nieces /nephews...Oh well...... their loss. So, I don't know if we will actually go for sure, but I booked.

DS19 is frustrated as he didn't get accepted into the music program yet. Has to wait til next semester. This weekend, tho, he's at a Baptist conference running the sound system for Sanctus Real & another band up in the mountains.

DD is fine. Work & school keep her busy and she MAY have a boyfriend. (won't admit it yet). DH is livid!! He is Spanish (not the normal mexican/indian mix from here) and looks like a young Orlando Bloom or Johnny Dep with a long pony tail down his back. Quite stunning actually & very nice.

DS22 is still my problem in so many ways. His recent debt to me has now topped 1600 and the old debt is still almost 12K. His account continues to be overdrawn & DH finally entered his room & pulled out MOST of my missing dishes along with 9 kitchen size bags of trash, 1 entirely alcohol bottles. He is still employed, but I'm just waiting......

DH is still spending his time at the casino with his sister....oh well....

So, I'm off to work on the GSale more & I'm also listing stuff on Craigslist as I go. Planning the GSale for this Fri/Sat then again in mid October as I have TONS of winter clothes/coats/ski stuff that I had intended to Ebay, but Ebay is REALLY getting horrid, so I'm done with it....

More later....thanks for being there for me!!! I WILL catch up on journals soon!!

And Dee, I'm calling to make the appt. w/ the breast specialist tomorrow. Promise!!

Tracy, I got the card today. You are so sweet!!!!! made me cry....but happy tears!!

 

[traceycooper]

yay for booking another cruise Julie
DD's ''boy friend'' sounds lovely - we need a pic
Have a great week & i hope the house gets straightened - just make sure everyone else pulls their weight!!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Good job booking that cruise Julie, having that to look forward to will be good for you. Well, I am glad dh went into ds' room and cleaned it out. I am keeping that young man in my prayers and his sweet mama too! I think its great dd has a boyfriend, he sounds very cute. Ahhh, youth! Ds19 will get into that music program at some point, he's got so much going for him.

I think cleaning out the house is a very good thing to focus on! You sound like me, if my house is messed up, my whole life is. Once that is done, other things may come into play. If not, that's okay too!

I am glad things are going better, sometimes we just all go through periods where it feels like there is nothing that is right. But somehow it all gets better eventually. You just hang in there.

I love it when family members who have money complain about how broke they are. I have a few of those too. Their loss, a cruise with you would be a wonderful thing for them. Again, their loss.

 

[goldcupmom]

well, today was hectic weird!

Got up, DS19 off to the bus, DD off to school, DH to work. Ate breakfast, made my Dr. appt (10/2 @ 9 am) & left to run errands.

Was trying to find the little plastic things for my pricing gun (left from when I owned a kids store in TX). No luck. Went to target, big lots, returned movies then home. Had a brief respite for lunch, listed a couple things on Craigslist, then DD & friend got home (friend is the one who drives DD to school & DD is going on cruise with them in May - very spoiled only child, but a sweet girl who is always left alone). Friend C is now accustomed to coming over when she brings DD home & coming in, eating & chatting. Not a problem. I really feel sorry for her as her parents own a few businesses and since she is an only child, she's alone much of the time (they even go out of the country ....about 5 hrs away in Mexico...& spend the night w/o her).

Then DS19 gets home & I helped him quickly wash/wax his cycle. Guy came to look at it & brought 6K in CASH with him! Said it was his present to himself as his divorce was final today. DS19 was very happy/sad! We've been listing it on Craigslist off & on for months. I told DS19 in God's time, it would go & it did!!!!!! Finally!!!!! While we were trying to fill out title, bill of sale, etc, had to run DD to work as she had lost track of time & needed to eat on the way.

Then I had another call off CList & people came & bought some of DS19s Xbox360 games. About that time DD called & needed her contact case & glasses at work. She had to wait til DH left with DS19

Quickly heated up some dinner for DS19 & had DH run him to work (we're chauffering again, but not for long hopefully. He's waiting on a seat bracket then he can drive the 2nd bug he restored until it sells....with a for sale sign in it!! When it does, he's looking for a 1970s corvette to restore & keep...smart kid!!

So, I get back from running to give DD her contacts/glasses & am almost home with I get another CList call....this time for leotards I had listed. 15 min later the lady came, bought them. I had just enough time to potty 3 of 4 dogs before waking DS22 for work.

UGH!!!!! Good, but hectic!!! Now I have a bunch more to put on CList and I MUST do major work on the Gsale tomorrow.

Breakfast was good....yogurt, fiber 1 cereal & blueberries mixed. Lunch was a 3 pt wrap with these wonderful 1 pt wrap things I found near the deli at walmart. Then it went downhill.....Dinner in between times was baked lays, M&Ms & water!

DH took DS19 & went to the casino ...it's across from Home Depot where DS19 works 8 - midnight. Called to say he put $20 in a slot machine...1st pull won $10...moved to another....1st pull won $20 more.....moved to a 3rd as I called & won $22 more. I told him to hurry to the tables & win a bunch at BlackJack tonight!!! Hopefully he can just do his casino time from 8 - midnight when he takes DS19 to work for awhile.

So, my good intentions today of exercise (I did get in a 20 min walk) & eating good went down the tubes, but it has been a good day all in all. Yesterday was totally OP & I got in a 40 min walk.

1 hr left til I get DD & can go to bed. I've been really exhausted today as I just couldn't sleep last night. Feels like TOM may be approaching as my sleep is really erratic when hormones are whacked. Time will tell.......

 

[toystoryduo]

Wow Julie!!!! It sounds like you were able to sell a lot of different things yesterday. Great job!!!

I hope you were able to get some sleep last night.

Have a great evening!

 

[goldcupmom]

Popping in VERY quickly to let you know I'm still here. Won't make WW again today as I have to pick DS19 up. And, Garage Sale set up/pricing is keeping me exhausted. I won't have nearly all of it out for this sale...which is, of course, why I'm also having one in October.

More later......

 

[Amy&Dan]

Julie, it sounds like that was your lucky day! So glad you got that motorcycle sold, that must feel very good.

Baked Lays and m & m's is better than regular Lays and m & m's! Celebrate all of life's victories!

Good luck with the garage sale.

 

[toystoryduo]

Sending some for a wonderful garage sale this weekend!

 

[goldcupmom]

Thanks for the , Tracy! Weekend went well. I made about $350 and DS19 about $115! Didn't sell anything big, and you can't really tell anything is gone, but it is. Now, to Craigslist a bunch before my next sale in mid-October.

Took the dogs for a 'strollee walk' today. 59 minutes. Needed to go buy stamps from the PO machine, so I decided I should walk/push rather than drive.

Weight is driving me NUTS as it won't MOVE!!! Saturday I drank more than should be humanly possible in a day & gained a ton!! Still not off!!

Now I have a dilemma.....DS19 worked a church retreat over Labor Day weekend. His 80gb Zune was on the dining room table and is no where now to be found. Since I got back, my Ipod has been on my dresser in it's little case with my headphones in their case under it. Case is there, no Ipod when I went to use it to walk. HMMMMMMM........ makes me wonder as DS22 is obviously still doing something he shouldn't as he makes about $1375 take home a month, no bills, & is always overdrawn & has no money. I am LIVID!!! Of course, if I say anything to DH, I will be the problem, not DS22!

GRRRRRRR!!!!!!

 

[toystoryduo]

Great job on the garage sale, Julie!

I'm sorry to hear about your dilemma. Have you said anything to DS22 yet?

I hope you have a great week ahead!

 

[goldcupmom]

This week has been insane! But not horrid!!

Today DS19 missed the bus so I had to drive him to another stop....further...fortunately, we beat it there.

Partially my fault...our casino has a daily online game this month where you get 20 credits & can win entries to a drawing. I won't take entries every day, but have taken some in. Played this morning..nothing. Played DH & he got 6 entries. Then I was checking email & almost deleted 2 from the casino (which I thought were the copies of my printouts of the entries). NOT!!! I won $50 cash today & DH won $20! They draw every morning at 5 am & email the winners.

So, I got excited & lost track of time....... I have 7 days to go pick up my 'cruise fund money'!

I'm having pomegranate juice & a fiber cake for breakfast...4 pts total. Not sure I like the juice, but I don't eat much fruit so I got that & blueberry at Trader Joes yesterday. Also bought some green tea mints that I though I would love.....EEEEEEWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!

Off soon to walk the husky, then wrap Christmas presents....yes, I'm NUTS!!!!

 

[traceycooper]

CHRISTMAS PRESENTS???
Wow Julie i'm impressed!! not even thought about that!!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Julie, that is pretty decent money between the garage sale and your casino winnings! Good luck with that cruise fund!

I am so sorry about your dilemma with ds22. I had a friend who had this happen and she ended up having to put locks on all the bedroom doors to keep her son from doing this. It may just be a coincidence but I know it brings up worries and unpleasantries. I hope it all works out.

Green Tea mints are sooooo nasty! I had a sample one day at the mall and almost had to barf!

Good luck getting the water gain off, it takes a few days but when it starts coming off it really comes off!