Jealousy question (relationships)

[Forevryoung]

If in the same situation would you be jealous or feel awkward?

My boyfriend has been married twice and dated countless women. While he does not have a relationship with either ex-wife (one he doesnt have any contact with), he is still close with several ex-girlfriends. He talks about them openly and freely as I do about my past relationships.

One of his ex-girlfriends is his oldest female friend and one of his biggest confidants. She's the one he goes to for girl advice, support, whatever it is. They have been through it all together (she isn't married and never has been).

I met her a little over a month ago (DBF and I have been together 11 months)- the three of us went out to dinner together. We all got along and had a good time.

Afterward, DBF casually asked if I was jealous of her and their relationship because they are obviously close. He brought it up more to reassure me then anything else. While I understand why they are no longer together and it's been years since they have been, they definitely love and care about each other.

I'm not jealous- The thought didn't cross my mind until DBF asked. DBF has clearly made the choice to be with me and not her and he is loyal to me without a question in my mind.

Would you question? How would you feel? How do you feel about old/close friends of SO's?

 

[miss missy]

I can't really speak of BF's, I am married, but as far as how DH and I are... we do not talk about old relationships at all, ever. We both felt that was the way to do it and it just is that way. I would NEVER be friends with any ex's because that is just not something I think is respectful to my DH, nor would he either do that to me. Once married, it was just the way we did it, it wasn't really discussed, it was just the way we did it. I don't think it would help either of us in our relationship to have ex's as friends.

Now if it was a DBF, well I wouldn't like it at all. And I wouldn't like that he asked if I was jealous, weird thing to ask if she is like a sis to him. I dunno, I just would hope my DBF would say I am his best friend and confidant, not some old ex But thats just me.

 

[tiggersmom2]

I would not be comfortable with that. I would definitely not be comfortable with a meet and greet!!!!

 

[Nala2007]

We don't talk about our past relationships. I have no desire to hear or to talk about it. As far as exes go that can be a touchy subject. My "guy" BFF and I have known eachother since we were kids. We actually tried to date for a couple months when we were 20, but figured out it was kind of yuck.
DH and him are friends and I am friends with his wife, in fact they were both in our wedding party. I guess you could say we're all BFF's now? So I guess in a way if DH did have a girl BFF I wouldn't really have the right to argue it, but that isn't the case. I dont know, I guess because it was so long ago, DH and the other wife don't see it that way or care.

 

[poohandwendy]

I am not jealous of any old flames, so long ago he probably wouldn't even recognize them in a line up, LOL. Neither of us have ex's as friends, and my DH isn't the kind of guy to have close women friends, so I can't really relate to that. Every now and again an old flame will come up in conversation, just out of circumstance of the conversation. But neither of us are jealous about it, neither of us carry a torch for anyone else.

I think that sort of jealousy has more to do with insecure feelings of the jealous person than anything else. So, if I found myself to be jealous, I think I would be asking myself why I felt so insecure about myself or my relationship.

I have to add- I am not sure if I would have been attracted to my DH if he had a female as a best friend. I think that might have just seemed weird to me.

 

[Anewman]

How did the previous 2 marriages end?

Was infidelity an issue?

 

[teacups]

No Ex's Allowed.

"COUNTLESS WOMEN" ???? ????
Hmmmm, I'd seriously question that.

 

[dis ms.]

I wouldn't be jealous of a former girlfriend, but I certainly wouldn't have dinner with her, either. WTH?!

That said, the situation you describe does not sound right to me. She seems like more than a former girlfriend. I wonder what the previous two wives thought about his "confidante". I'd be watching out for this one.

 

[Alicnwondrln]

i would not be confortable with this at all especially based on the fact that has been divorced

 

[lovemygoofy]

I'm not trying to insinuate anything here but I do have a question for you. I have read several of your posts about your relationship and I think it's great that you are surviving a long distance thing(if I recall it being long distance) but anyways my question is how are you going to feel if your bf turns to this other woman as his confidant when he should be turning to you? I'm not saying that he is doing this now but how do you feel about him possible turning to this other person for advice regarding things in his life or even your possible relationship?

My other thought is about this woman. I'm sure she is perfectly nice and great but I wonder about a woman that hasn't been married and so close to this guy, her ex at one point. I would be a bit leary of her because just from what I'm reading do you think she could be waiting on your bf? I hope not and that everything I'm saying is wrong. I wish you all the best.

BTW, no we don't speak of past relationships and if we see someone from our past, we are cordial but not likely to sit down to dinner with that person. It's not really because of jealousy but because our relationship is between us and not them and us if that makes sense.

 

[MAKmom]

Well first let me put on my flame suit....ok ready.
I used to believe heterosexual men & woman can just be friends when I was young. DH used to laugh at me & say not possible. The mans attracted to the woman or he would not bother. Men want male friends. I think there is always an undercurrent. Since we never know what others are thinking you never really know if they are not acting on a feeling. Did you BF sleep with GF between other relationships?

I'm talking about "Friends" that call each other & go out alone.

IMO: If you are in a committed relationship you are playing with fire dating someone else. That is what friendships are with the opposite sex.
That's how you fall in love/lust.

DISCLAMER: This is what I believe it does not mean it is true.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

I know I will get flamed for this, but I would be leery of dating someone that much older than me who already had 2 failed marriages.

 

[dis ms.]

I know I will get flamed for this, but I would be leery of dating someone that much older than me who already had 2 failed marriages.

No flames here. In addition to what you stated, this is a long distance relationship. Yep, I'd be leery, too.

OP, this isn't to say that your relationship won't work out, but there are some red flags, IMHO.

 

[Sherri]

I was very close with my ex after we went our seperate ways and even continued to go hiking and the beach together as well as concerts. He was a friend to me and that was all. My dh understood that he was just one of my friends. That lasted probably for about 7 or 8 years after we broke up and into my marriage. He decided to cut all ties with me for whatever reason, just stopped being friends with me (from what I understand he is married now). So either the wife (girlfriend at the time was uncomfortable with that and he respected that) or maybe it was his choice for whatever reason. But there were no good byes, just one day I didn't hear from him and one turned to two and so fourth, now I have not heard from him for a good 7 or 8 years.
My point is, my dh NEVER had a problem with my friendship with him, but it just faded away on its own. Maybe that will happen with your dbf and his friend.

 

[Forevryoung]

I'm secure in how I feel about things so your posts are just other perspectives for the sake of knowing how others live their lives/deal with relationships... I am not asking for advice on what to do- nobody will ever understand our odd and quirky relationship.

To answer some questions- the first marriage failed because they were young and stupid. They both agreed to work for a few years to save some money and then have kids. She decided one day to randomly quit her job. She puttered around and then got pregnant without discussing it with him first. The second woman cheated on him- lets just say he has photographic evidence and he didn't have to hire a PI to get it (use your imagination).

He's been friends with her since middle school, they did not talk while he was married (both times) because the wives were jealous. They dated back in high school. She has never been married because of her own reasons and choices. I know that they would never consider dating again- their personalities are too different in terms of making things work.

In terms of guys being friends with girls and girls being friends with guys... I have mostly guy friends- some of which I've been friends with for a long time now. I know they care about me, as I care about them but I wouldn't give them up for the world. True friends before boyfriends- this woman will potentially be around a lot longer than I will if DBF and I end things. I wouldn't take that away from him, isolating people is dangerous. It's been done to me in the past.

Long distance wise- we are honest with each other. If he goes to her with a problem most likely he will come to me before or after (probably after if it has to do with me and he's trying to get another perspective on things after talking about it with someone else). Yes, there is a great amount of trust but after listening to random "I called your voicemail just to hear your voice while you were in class" messages and "I have to meet you this weekend and I dont care if I sit and watch you do school work the whole time" discussions, there is not a doubt in my mind that he is completely "mine".

If I started dictating who he could be friends with/have contact with and he did the same, we couldn't/wouldn't date. I know that for a fact.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

While not jealous, I don't think I would be comfortable with a relationship such as that.

 

[apirateslifeforme]

I was my ex-husband's first girlfriend, so I've never had anyone of whom to be jealous when it came to him. But now we're divorced, and I can honestly say we're best friends. I really feel absolutely no hurt or jealousy about him moving on and finding someone special. I even helped him set up his match.com profile and took pictures of him for it!

I also have another very close friend who is a man - in fact, I'd have to say he's another best friend. I've always been better friends with guys than other women. I just hope that my next BF can accept that. And I have no problem with them having female friends either.

 

[mickeyboat]

DH and I got together in 9th grade. I moved away at the end of that year and we didn't see each other again until after we graduated from high school. In the mean time, we dated other people, and when we saw each other again, he had been dating another girl for over a year and a half. That relationship lasted only a couple more months, and DH and I got back together, had a long distance relationship for 4 years and got married. We have been married for almost 15 years now.

I am STILL jealous of his high school ex. I was pretty childish at first - asked him to throw out all the letters and pictures from her, asked him if he loved her and if he loved her more, etc. Over time I got over that but when he talks about her, I still get a twinge of jealousy. She has since moved away, but he saw her mother a couple of years ago, they had coffee together, and although I tried to be very adult and reasonable about it, it was hard for me to deal with. I often wonder about what would happen if she moved back to this area again. And I have bad dreams about DH leaving sometimes, and he always leaves with her.

Don't get me wrong, I don't sit around and worry about her all the time, but every once in a while I think about it, and feel kind of insecure. And she is not even a part of our lives!

I would be pretty jealous if I were you, OP. I am not sure I would be at all comfortable with the situation, and I would probably worry constantly about this old flame. I think there is a difference between a friend who is a girl, and an ex girlfriend who is a girl.

Good luck to you.

Denae

 

[mickeyfan2]

For me he had too many exs, talking about them and confiding in them is too much. DH and I kept our previous lifes just that previous. From the time that we met it was only the two of us.

 

[GoofyBaseballMom26]

I think I'm disagreeing with most of the other posters. It seems to me that it's a good sign that he wanted you to meet her, if he didn't then I would be more inclined to be worried. Given the additional info you provided, it seems like it's just a good friendship and that you are being very mature about it. If you are comfortable with it, then don't rock the boat. You know what your gut tells you.