I've had it with him!!!

[It's A Happy Day]

Recently my bil started seeing someone and has taken to spending every waking hour with this person. While the whole family thinks it's great he is happy and has a life, he is neglecting my husband and children now and frankly I'm fed up. My husband is very hurt and my children want to know where their uncle went!

He has always lived at home with my inlaws. My husband has always seen him everyday for at least an hour forever - unless on the rare occasion we stay overnight somewhere - maybe 3x in the last 6 years! We have been together for 14 years and he has always gone to his parents house to hang out with brother - we had 2 children and my husband brings them over 5 days a week while I'm at work so that they can see their grandparents and also their uncle. He is/was a permanent fixture in our childrens lives. Now since he has found someone - we don't know details as he isn't giving any and noone will ask - he spends all his time not at home - he hasn't moved out but he comes home from work and leaves right away to go wherever and doesn't return till the next morning to get his work vehicle so it's not like my DH and he are just missing each other. Now I'm not expecting him to live his life around ours but why can't he spend even 1 hour a week with his flesh & blood!!! It is like none of them exist anymore. It's been almost 3 months since this has started and I don't think I can keep my mouth shut much longer. Tonite I have had it...my husbands cat died this morning - we had left the cat at my inlaws when we got married because my husband didn't want to separate 2 cats (his & his brothers) so the cat lived in the same house as my BIL does. Knowing his brother is upset as I'm sure he is too he came home, basically acknowledged everyone in the room with a hi and then left - no more than 3 minutes tops!!! I'm pissed!!! My husband sounded so distraught when I spoke with him from work - he sounds like he is writing off his only sibling and his best friend. I'm ready to wait at his house till he comes home and give him a piece of my mind - I'm sick of my husband being hurt and I'm upset that I have to keep making excuses to my kids for him. My son who is 4 keeps asking where's his uncle, when will he be home, did he move away, and he says he misses him

I really needed to vent and get this out or there may be a fight in the next few days!!!

 

[Marseeya]

You know what they say about sons and daughters when they get married. You lose your son, but you'll gain a son-in-law. I think the same principle applies here, unfortunately.

 

[SarahandPaul]

Hate to say it, but I think you just need to let him live his life. Maybe you can make plans to have dinner with him and his new GF every other week or so?

-Paul

 

[Jenn Lynn]

I think the relationship is probably still in the very new stage. I hate to say it, but if this relationship is serious your kids will have to get used to seeing less of him.

Have you tried inviting them/him over? Or out to dinner? For a drink?

 

[Charade]

neglecting??? Didn't know an Uncle or BIL had any obligations to the rest of the family. How old is this man?

 

[Deb & Bill]

I'd think you would like for him to have a life of his own. How old is he? This could be the real thing for him, maybe even children of his own in the picture. Wouldn't your kids like cousins?

Sure you miss him, but you have to let him spread his wings a bit. It's bound to make him a better person.

 

[princess pooh]

Just let him be! He sounds happy. I don't even know why you're upset with him.

 

[Rowena]

In all honesty, to me it sounds like your BIL is happy...or otherwise engaged in a way he hasn't been in quite awhile.

I understand your bewirlderment and frustration....but outside of your family....what does he have?

He's going for it.

Be as accepting and forgiving as you can. Let him find his family....

 

[HeatherH]

I'm sorry about your husband's cat.

As others have said, I think it's just time for your BIL to get on with his own life. It sounds like you have gone from ONE extreme (spending LARGE amounts of time together) to the other, and I'm sure that's hard for everyone.

But he needs to live his life and make his choices. It sounds like he has been dependent on family for a long time and now he is choosing to try and do things on his own.

I'm sure it is sad that he doesn't even spend a LITTLE time with you now, but maybe that's a signal to focus elsewhere, and let him come back to the family when he feels like it's time to do so.

 

[lizanne]

Instead of giving him a piece of your mind, why not tell him you miss his company and invite him and his GF to dinner.

I remember when I first fell in love, I wanted to be with him all the time. It didn't mean that I loved my family any less, it was just new and exciting and fun. Give it time.

He probably doesn't even realize your angry.

 

[Aimeedyan]

Wow, I'm completely in disagreement with your feelings. A new relationship always takes over ones life. I've been there, I'm sure you've been there. He doesn't WANT to be with y'all - he's met someone new and they bring him joy. He's been with y'all for years and years and years. Why don't you let him be happy and independent? I would be THRILLED if a family member met someone that made them happy, not jealous and demanding of their time. Instead of being jealous, why don't you encourage him to bring her to family events and spend time with y'all?

 

[eeyore kelly]

You BIL sounded like a lonely man before he found a GF. It is not common for a single, grown man to spend five afternoons a week with family. I agree with other posters to invite him and his GF to dinner. I know your family misses him, but don't be mad because he found a life.

 

[MsDisney23]

 

[Daxx]

Did you ever think that your BIL felt the same way you're feeling now when you came into your DH's life? Did BIL complain that his brother was "no longer there" for him? I'll bet he was happy that his brother found someone that made him happy.

To sound very Dr. Phil ... you are being selfish! Sorry, but that's how I read it. Where does it say that BIL has to be w/your family 24-7-365? It's only fair that your BIL have a life of his own. Accept this new person and how happy she makes your BIL. If he didn't find her, I'm sure you'd be on these boards complaining that BIL is over all the time and you'd love to get rid of him for once.

Simply tell your kids that Uncle X has found a new friend that he enjoys being with, that he's an adult and is starting to live his life and, w/any luck, Uncle X will marry this woman and they'll have cousins to play with.

 

[Beastlover]

This happens everywhere. People grow, change, and have other needs. Everyone wants companionship in their lives. Looks like he has found it. Sometimes the hardest part of building a new relationship is the scheduling to see as much of the other as possible. I'm sure it is not meant to be a slam towards the family. He just sounds like he wants to be with this new girl. Why won't anyone ask about his new girl, or the relationship they are building together? Instead of ranting at him, maybe a simple "hey, I miss spending time with you" would be just perfect. "Or, why don't you bring her over for dinner?" I think if you attack him he will get defensive with you, and that will be worse.

Good Luck

 

[Christine]

I understand your frustration and your feeling of loss--but, I have to stand with your BIL on this one. He needs his own life and you need to let him be happy. Don't worry--he will come back around but probably not EVERY DAY. I also agree with the other posters that it is time to try to get to know this other girl.

I do think it is strange that, for being so close, he hasn't had her over more???

Anyway, I know it's tough. I was very close to my own uncle. He was 16 when I was born and we all lived together for awhile. He did lots of stuff with me. But when he was 30, he fell in love and got married and I basically never saw much of him again. Yes, I was hurt, but I also know that he had to have his own life with his wife and his own children.

 

[poohandwendy]

Wow. I think you should seriously reconsider staying at his house to give him a piece of your mind. It sounds like your BIL has found some happiness in his life and if anything, his family should not only be supportive of that...but HAPPY for him.

It's very nice that he has been such an integral part of your family, but you cannot expect him to not move on at some point and start his own family.

I can guarantee that if you are not supportive, he will definitely not find more time for the family. If anything, you will push him away. He may feel sort of smothered by his family because you all expect so much from him. Instead of asking why is he doing this (because what he is doing is totally normal for most people who become involved in a serious relationship)...you should be asking, why are we responding in this way?

It also sounds like there aren't very good communications skills in the family because you have all waited until you were good and pissed to react. Why hasn't anyone asked any questions about the new woman in his life? Why haven't you all invited her into your family circle? And if you have and he is not ready for that, why can't you respect his space?

Why not ask him if there is a time that he would like to bring his new GF over for dinner sometime soon so that she can meet everyone? That would be nice.

He isn't neglecting your DH and kids, he just nurturing his future. His life should not be centered around his brother or parents or nieces and nephews...it should be centered around making his own life and his own family. If anything, your Dh and kids need to be less dependent on him.

I am sorry to hear that your DHs cat died, that is so hard.

 

[tar heel]

It sounds like BIL finally got a life! I can't imagine being an adult living at home with my parents, but I sure remember how wrapped up I was when I was newly in love. Have you invited him and the girlfriend over for dinner?

 

[kasar]

I think your BIL is doing exactly what he should be doing. He's entitled to the same happiness and personal life that his brother has. I can't imagine why you wouldn't be HAPPY for him?

Why don't you invite him and this new person over for dinner to get to know them better. Maybe if you see how happy he is you will understand. If the four of you got together then your DH could see his brother more?

Aunts and uncles are very important in childrens' lives but they aren't required to be there all the time - that's your job. If they show up, great - cool Uncle Joe is around. If not, that's okay, they have lives of their own.

Maybe our situation is different, but I can't imagine DH visiting his family every day with our kids. Once a week, maybe. They have their own lives and need to get their own stuff done without kids there all the time (and it doesn't hurt DH to spend some one-on-one time with his own kids since he's at work most of the week). It's great that they're so close, but sometimes a little distance is a good thing.

 

[MeanLaureen]

I'm going to have to agree with everyone else here. Your brother in law deserves happiness and a love and family of his own. His life should not be regulated by your husband or kids insisting on seeing him on a daily basis. He's not a pet that is there for the family's comfort but a living human being that probably really wants what his brother, your husband, has. A wife and family of his own. Do you really want him to be alone his entire life just so your husband and kids will have him at home when they want to visit? Not to sound harsh, but since you asked - the way you and your husband feel is extremely selfish. Be happy for him or you guys will lose him completely. I know if I was in his shoes and a family member said that to me, I would tell them where to go in no uncertain terms.