I've had it with him!!!

[RUDisney]

It sounds like your BIL is growing up. That's what you and your DH need to do... grow up! As for explaining it to the kids, why can't you just tell them the truth? People grow up and change. They'll grow up and move out of your house one day, too. Will your DH and you feel betrayed by them, too? Didn't you do that with your parents? Obviously, DH didn't since he spends so much time there.

Time for you to start focusing on YOUR immediate family. That includes you, DH and your kids. It doesn't include all of the extended family... they became extended family the day you said you "do."

 

[Tinkim]

I have to agree with everyone else. I would be thrilled if my brother found someone he wanted to spend that much time with. He has been living with me for eight years and is not the "marrying kind" and has no intention of ever finding a lasting relationship it seems.

I agree with everyone else. Let him enjoy his new found happiness. Eventually they will be comfortable together when the intensity wears off a bit and will start to include the family again. Be patient and invite them to dinner with your family. It sounds like they are in love and you should try to be happy for them and be patient because of course he will want to spend time with your family again but things probably will never be the same as they were before. You need to learn to accept that he has his own life and things change although that doesn't mean he loves your family any less. Instead of waiting for him to give him a piece of your mind . . . how about a gentle reminder that DH and the kids miss him and would like to visit with him and his new GF?

 

[Jennasis]

Wow...

Invite BIL and his girlfriend over for dinner with you, your husband and your kids. The invite should go somthing like this:

on the phone or even ansering machine: "Hi Joe! Bill and I were wondering if you and Susan would like to come for dinner next Sunday. We haven't seen you for a while and the kids are dying to see you...PLUS we can't WAIT to meet Susan"

Or something to that effect.

That's my nice answer. You don't want to hear what I really think about how you and your husband are acting....

 

[FionaLovesShrek]

In all honesty, to me it sounds like your BIL is happy...or otherwise engaged in a way he hasn't been in quite awhile.

I understand your bewirlderment and frustration....but outside of your family....what does he have?

He's going for it.

Be as accepting and forgiving as you can. Let him find his family....

What she said.
He deserves to find his own happiness. Gosh, either the relationship will fizzle out or he'll get married. Either he'll be back at your house every day, or he'll set up his own and your family can go over there. Either way, doesn't he deserve to start his own life

 

[Disney1fan2002]

Is this post real? Not being mean, but sometimes someone will post a fasicious post to make a point?

Is the OP truly this upset that her single BIL has met someone and has actually moved on to create a life of his OWN? Wow, if he is just her BIL, how is she going to react when her kids grow up and meet someone??? YIKES!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I'm with everyone else! I think it's fine to invite him over (with his girlfriend would probably be more likely to be accepted) or find out when you all can see him at his parent's house. Maybe he feels that whatever time he gives you won't be enough, in which case why bother? Make sure you ask him over without laying a guilt trip.

Yes, he should have been more sensitive about the cat dying. Maybe he was upset, too, since he lived in the house with the cat.

 

[va32h]

Is this post real? Not being mean, but sometimes someone will post a fasicious post to make a point?

I was thinking the same thing! Who gets all bent out of shape about a brother in law? I can't imagine telling a grown man to stop seeing his girlfriend because his nieces and nephews miss him!

Maybe bil hasn't brought the new girlfriend around because he's afraid his clingy, over-attached family will scare her off.

 

[luvmy2sams]

Wow...

Invite BIL and his girlfriend over for dinner with you, your husband and your kids. The invite should go somthing like this:

on the phone or even ansering machine: "Hi Joe! Bill and I were wondering if you and Susan would like to come for dinner next Sunday. We haven't seen you for a while and the kids are dying to see you...PLUS we can't WAIT to meet Susan"

Or something to that effect.

That's my nice answer. You don't want to hear what I really think about how you and your husband are acting....

Well said, Jennasis.

 

[Skywalker]

Wow, what a bizarre reason to be so angry at someone! How dare he get a life! LOL.

Seriously, I think you should back off a wee bit. You and your husband sound so very possessive of him. Just relax, and if his relationship is serious I'm sure he'll eventually blend her into all of your lives as a family. Sheesh, sorry but you sound very controlling and meddling as a sister-in-law.

 

[dcgrumpy]

You're kidding, right?

 

[wvjules]

You sound a bit selfish to me. Let the man live his life, not yours. Are you sure you're not jealous b/c you're not the 'woman' in his life anymore?

 

[Jennasis]

wvjules: Lets' not get carried away. The OP may be a bit over the top...possessive, whatever, but that wasn't necessary was it?

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I have to agree with everybody else....

usually families are thrilled to see an adult man finally start acting like ---- an adult man.

I'm not getting this either.

 

[Jakk]

I agree with everyone else. Be happy for him and let him enjoy this time in his life.

 

[CEDmom]

Honestly, I think you should be happy for your BIL. He's found someone he enjoys being with, let him be happy. Maybe you could use this as an opportunity to discuss relationships with your children. Who knows, they might get an aunt and cousins out of this.

At one time your DH and you probably wanted to spend every minute together and forgot temporarily about everyone else in your lives. It's natural.

 

[RUDisney]

wvjules: Lets' not get carried away. The OP may be a bit over the top...possessive, whatever, but that wasn't necessary was it?

I think wvjules has a good point. It's hard for some women to give up the "queen mother" position. She also could be jealous because bil is having fun without them.

 

[Crankyshank]

I don't think Jules is being over the top at all. It's not unheard of for a woman to be jealous if a guy she spends time with (be it friend or family member) falls in love.

Not everyone spends a lot of time with their siblings. I definitely think the OP is overreacting and should be happy for the BIL and look for ways to include the GF.

 

[mudnuri]

glad I dont have family that is like this........shesh.......I'd be happy for the guy

Brandy

 

[Ranatra]

You need to give this a lot of thought. If you do give him a piece of your mind, as you say, you could get the opposite of what you actually want. You could push him farther away. If you all truly want a relationship with him, back off and give him space. He's doing what's right for him right now. Let him be.

 

[Independent]

Recently my bil started seeing someone and has taken to spending every waking hour with this person.

Very normal progression of courtship. Look back at your courtship. Did you spend every waking hour with your DH when you first started dating? Was he the absolute center of your world? Were you interested in spending hours and hours of time with your parents and siblings or did you want to spend the majority of your time with your new love Did that mean that you loved your family less? Probably not - just that you had new priorities in life.

While the whole family thinks it's great he is happy and has a life, he is neglecting my husband and children now and frankly I'm fed up. My husband is very hurt and my children want to know where their uncle went!

The whole family thinks it it great that he is happy - but you think he is neglecting your husband? Not trying to be nasty, but it is not your BIL's responsibility to entertain your husband. He is entitled to his own happiness and his own family. I have to agree with Jules above, and question - is this really about you or about your husband? Are you the one who feels they are losing control? You admit the entire family is happy for your BIL, but your are the one who is upset.

He has always lived at home with my inlaws. My husband has always seen him everyday for at least an hour forever - unless on the rare occasion we stay overnight somewhere - maybe 3x in the last 6 years! We have been together for 14 years and he has always gone to his parents house to hang out with brother - we had 2 children and my husband brings them over 5 days a week while I'm at work so that they can see their grandparents and also their uncle.

Use this as a great opportunity to enhance your lives. You are now free to go out and gather some good friends around you. Make friends - do not be so dependent on one family for your happiness. There is a great and wonderful world out there- go explore. You will find that your relationship with your BIL will become richer and more meaningful for it!

He is/was a permanent fixture in our childrens lives. Now since he has found someone - we don't know details as he isn't giving any and noone will ask - he spends all his time not at home - he hasn't moved out but he comes home from work and leaves right away to go wherever and doesn't return till the next morning to get his work vehicle so it's not like my DH and he are just missing each other.

Perhaps he is not coming home because he is well aware of the stifling atmosphere there? He knows how you will react? I have to agree - give him some space. He has supported your family for 14 years - now it is your time to support him.

Now I'm not expecting him to live his life around ours but why can't he spend even 1 hour a week with his flesh & blood!!! It is like none of them exist anymore.

You may want to really do some deep self-analyzing on why your BIL is staying away from his family. It may hurt, but if you can see the truth, you can fix it and welcome his new SO into your lives.

It's been almost 3 months since this has started and I don't think I can keep my mouth shut much longer.

You may want to rethink this. The only good that can come out of this is that you will create significant hard feelings. Do you really want to take the chance to push your BIL away completely from your husband?

Tonite I have had it...my husbands cat died this morning - we had left the cat at my inlaws when we got married because my husband didn't want to separate 2 cats (his & his brothers) so the cat lived in the same house as my BIL does. Knowing his brother is upset as I'm sure he is too he came home, basically acknowledged everyone in the room with a hi and then left - no more than 3 minutes tops!!!

I am very sorry about your cat. It is very hard to lose a pet. But I am guessing, that just as your husband is seeking solace from you - his wife, that your BIL is seeking comfort from his new SO. Give your husband an extra hug

I'm pissed!!! My husband sounded so distraught when I spoke with him from work - he sounds like he is writing off his only sibling and his best friend.

Perhaps it is time to make new best friends. It sounds like perhaps you and your husband are a bit too dependent on BIL. Maybe you could work on being your husband's best friend! I would seriously suggest counseling because there seems to be much bigger problems involved here if you are that jealous of your BIL's new happiness.

I'm ready to wait at his house till he comes home and give him a piece of my mind - I'm sick of my husband being hurt and I'm upset that I have to keep making excuses to my kids for him. My son who is 4 keeps asking where's his uncle, when will he be home, did he move away, and he says he misses him

Again, I would rethink this. Your BIL is an adult. He does not need to answer to you. You should be happy for him. And why can't you tell your children the truth? Tell them Uncle is in love -and isn't that wonderful. It is very important that you model the proper love and support for BIL in front of your children.

I really needed to vent and get this out or there may be a fight in the next few days!!!

Vent away. That is what we are here for. Especially if it will keep you from confronting your BIL

But I do have to wonder if this is really a real post. It almost sounds like a convoluted, surreal twist to the movie Meet The Parents. I wouldn't be surprised to see the OP post that BIL's new SO is not in the Circle Of Trust Perhaps a lie detector test in the garage would put OP at ease?