Is your spouse ok with you being alone with the opposite sex?

[minkydog]

Is it different if the two people work together? Several years ago I was part of a work team of six people, 4 women and 2 men. We would often have to pair up on out of town consulting jobs. The wife of one of the guys would freak out when he traveled with a women, which was most of the time. It got to the point it interfered with his ability to do his job, and he had to leave. I just thought it was really sad.

Or maybe she has reason to be concerned. I once knew a guy whose wife was one of those horrible, insecure women who needed to know where he was at all times. She would just about get hysterical when he had to travel out of town. Everyone felt sorry for this guy...until the truth came out. It seems that he had a history of "having dates" while staying at hotels. He also had bipolar disorder and would stop taking his meds during the road trips, which led to other risky behaviors. He even spent over $3000 one weekend on hand-tailored suits. And much, much more...

Eventually, this man got himself into rehab and straightened out his life. It took his wife many years to learn to trust him again because he had done so much damage. One of the "rules" they agreed on was no traveling in pairs with the opposite sex, no drinks at the bar, not working late with a woman alone. I have to say, I was impressed because this man did everything he could to keep himself clean.

We never know what's going on is someone else's marriage. What may look to us like a spouse being unreasonable and distrustful may well be repercussions from past choices.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Is it different if the two people work together? Several years ago I was part of a work team of six people, 4 women and 2 men. We would often have to pair up on out of town consulting jobs. The wife of one of the guys would freak out when he traveled with a women, which was most of the time. It got to the point it interfered with his ability to do his job, and he had to leave. I just thought it was really sad.

I used to travel with all the best looking women in my office. SOOOO glad my wife isn't the jealous type. But, I sure didn't hang out with them otherwise

 

[Buckalew11]

Exactly! If people are talking...time to change things. I don't spend that kind of time with any of my girlfriends regularly. I would not want to put my spouse in that kind of an embarrasing position.

Julylady-I do think it's different when you are working with someone of the opposite sex. This OP chooses to be with her 'friend.'

HIS friend. The OP is a male and is friend is a female and I am not sure what his spouse is.

Pearlieq,

Explained beautifully.

I think by the time you are 50, you see and here so much of this that you realize how common it is. Umpteen threads about cheating spouses here, people sitting in my shop chair telling me stories of a cheating spouse, friends, co-workers, celebrity marriages...

It happens to religious people, beautiful people, ugly people, skinny people, fat people, smart people dumb people, interesting people and uninteresting people. There is no "type", really.

 

[fortwildernessishome]

My husband and I both have friends of the opposite sex, but we like to spend our time together, so there is no chance that we would be hanging out with a friend on our own all that much.

When my kids were little, one of my sons best buddies had a Dad that was a firefighter so, he worked four days on and four days off. He and my husband coached baseball together and we were all great friends. One summer, we did spend a fare amount of time at our town swimming hole during the day. I know that Fall, I got to talking to another Mom and she thought that my friend the firefighter was my husband!! That was pretty strange! The following summer, our boys, while still friendly, were no longer best buddies so we didnt see each other nearly as much.

While, I wouldnt have an interest in spending a bunch of one on one time with a friend, its because, I would just rather be with my husband/family. However, I would NOT worry about rumors if I were to visit with someone of the opposite sex.

I have a funny story about a rumor that I KNOW was going on about me, which we have laughed about endlessly over the years. When I got married I was 20 and my husband was 23. We were lucky to buy a house in our second year of marriage. We still live here today and our house is in a rural area. Our road is over a mile and there are six houses here. We do have one neighbor which is within sight of our house. Anyway, when we first moved here (25 years ago) I was afraid to stay overnight in the house by myself. (It sounds silly now, but I was young and frightened easily)

Once in a great while my husband had to be overnight for work. When he was I always went to someones house for the night or invited someone to stay over. I have a male cousin, the same age as me. We have been close since we were little. He was in our wedding. So, one night when my husband was gone, I invited him over. We ended up going out for pizza. As we were going out to the car, my neighbor, was right near the driveway, walking his dog. I introduced my cousin. (my cousin is black and I am white)

Anyway, we went out for pizza and came back, watched movies, visited and went to bed. My cousin, set his alarm for 7:00am, because he was playing the organ at his church that morning. So, he left soon after 7:00 and my husband returned home around 7:45-8:00. (my husband had gotten up at 3:00am to get an early start on the ride home)

A few days later, my neighbor mentioned to my husband, about me having a man overnight who left right before he got home!!!!!!!!

I think my neighbor always thought that something was going on, and that my cousin wasnt really my cousin!!! Anyways we have laughed about that incident sooooooo many times!!! My cousin is gay and while he didnt have a partner at that time, he has now had one for many years. When we all get together, someone usually brings up our "affair"!!!

So, like I said, I wouldnt worry about rumors, because sometimes something as innocent as having your cousin spend the night, because your too chicken to stay in your house alone, can start a rumor. Likewise, I most likely would not conclude that someone else was having an affair, just because they were together and an odd circumstance haappened ie; a visitor left the house, shortly before the spouse returned home!!!!

 

[OceanAnnie]

That must be what they've mutually agreed to in their relationships. If that's not how you feel, do something different in your own relationship.

Here's why I think it's a bad idea:

Intimacy develops through time spent together and shared experiences. I am not saying that one afternoon together breeds an affair, but when one afternoon becomes months of afternoons, coffees, meals shared, phone calls, etc. intimacy develops.

Spending that much time together, it's natural for people to talk. They share their opinions about the news, start telling their stories from high school, and can often find themselves wading into deeper topics over time. All of the sudden this person knows you really well, and you know them. You start to have in-jokes, that "you had to be there" story about the crazy lady who always comes to the diner, and maybe a private lexicon.

And, obviously, if you've been able to stand each other's company for this long and this much, there's an affinity between you. You enjoy each other and have fun spending time together.

So now you have a man and a woman who enjoy each other's company, have an intimate connection, and spend a lot of time alone together. I am absolutely NOT saying that this means anything untoward will develop, but it sure is fertile soil.

When it's avoidable, why let that happen at all?

So very well stated.

 

[Candleinthewind]

And if you didn't have plenty of same gender friends? If you were a SAHD who didn't have other men to socialize with during the day, or just a woman who has little in common with the other women around her? You'd just sit home alone rather than developing friendships with the people who are available and with whom you share common interests because sharing common "parts" is a primary qualification for friendship?

This is what I don't get either. Because I am a male, I am expected to only have male friends apparently. I tell you around here there are no other stay at home dads with school age children. Our kids play together, sleep over at each other's homes. My spouse works a great deal of time out of town so of course I am lonely but not for a relationship. Her spouse has no issue with the time we spend together as there is ZERO attraction. She left a teaching career and does not have close female friends.

All of us are at the point where we relish time away from our kids.

I do know many women who as I said have a standing lunch and shopping date weekly! They are close and they develop an inside language and "you had to be there" moments. No one bats an eye at that sort of relationship. We may be the exception to the rule but it is possible for a man and woman to have a platonic relationship. Honestly if I was going to cheat, why would I do it with someone with kids? Why on earth would I change one life for the exact same? It just doesn't seem logical to me.

Frankly I am thankful for the friendship!

ETA: On the drive home from the airport today my wife mentioned going out for drinks with her male boss Wednesday night while out of town. No big deal in my mind!

 

[pigletgirl]

No way. Not appropriate, IMO

 

[bdcp]

This is what I don't get either. Because I am a male, I am expected to only have male friends apparently. I tell you around here there are no other stay at home dads with school age children. Our kids play together, sleep over at each other's homes. My spouse works a great deal of time out of town so of course I am lonely but not for a relationship. Her spouse has no issue with the time we spend together as there is ZERO attraction. She left a teaching career and does not have close female friends.

All of us are at the point where we relish time away from our kids.

I do know many women who as I said have a standing lunch and shopping date weekly! They are close and they develop an inside language and "you had to be there" moments. No one bats an eye at that sort of relationship. We may be the exception to the rule but it is possible for a man and woman to have a platonic relationship. Honestly if I was going to cheat, why would I do it with someone with kids? Why on earth would I change one life for the exact same? It just doesn't seem logical to me.

It happens all the time. I don't get why you think you're immune. And, two women friends is not the same thing at all.

Why does it have to be weekends away or anything alone together? There are plenty of moms groups and ways to spend time with adults volunteering, etc. You can justify it all you want, but your relationship with your "friend" is too intimate.

And our time away from our kids was DH and I together maintaining our relationship.

The fact you don't get it is what will get you in trouble someday. You have to think your friend is attractive on some level to want to spend time with her and that's a slippery slope.

As another poster noted, those of us in our 50's have seen it all. It's very naive to think it can't happen.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

I have a male friend who I attend concerts with all the time. We met online on a music message board. We both listen to the same music and both of our spouses hate our taste in music and refuse to go to concerts with us. And it's no fun going to shows alone. And what my DH WASN'T comfortable with was me walking around sketchy areas and parking garages in the middle of the night by myself. So he was very happy that I found a male friend to go with. We carpool to save gas. If a show ends too early and we're not ready to go home yet, we'll hit a bar nearby for a drink or two (depending on how many we've had at the show).

It kind of flabbergasts me that a good number of people think adults are unable to have completely platonic relationships with the other gender. I'm just.... well, stumped. I can't say anything more than that on it because it really is so bizarre to me that I'm kind of speechless.

This is me too - my friend and travel all over the US seeing bands and concerts - AND yes, sometimes we share hotel rooms. We are best friends and I have no interest in him any other way.

My husband digs him and he is often sleeping at my house when the concerts are in Chicago.

We talk and laugh all the time. He is also a foodie - and my DH is not - so I take my friend to Alinea and Tru - if I am spending $500 on dinner for two - I want it to be with someone who will enjoy it!

Maybe DH is ok with it because a lot of my friends are male? I went to a college that was only 20% female. Then right out of school worked in a male dominated area of the travel industry. Heck I even had men stand up for me at my wedding!

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I'm surprised it took this long for this thread to turn into one of those threads where men are basically weak with no self control.

 

[bdcp]

I'm surprised it took this long for this thread to turn into one of those threads where men are basically weak with no self control.

No one said that anywhere. But, that said, men and women are different. Not sure why that hurts some people's heads so much. It's biology.

It's not even about self-control. It is however about being somewhat naive and thinking it can never happen.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

No one said that anywhere. But, that said, men and women are different. Not sure why that hurts some people's heads so much. It's biology.

It's not even about self-control. It is however about being somewhat naive and thinking it can never happen.

It's been implied quite a few times. To me anyway...

It doesn't hurt my head at all.

I know full and well DH could cheat on me, and I him.

 

[bdcp]

It's been implied quite a few times. To me anyway...

It doesn't hurt my head at all.

I know full and well DH could cheat on me, and I him.

Yes, but do you put yourself in situations that it's more likely to eventually happen? Spending time alone with someone of the opposite sex, etc? Why put yourself or your spouse in that situation?

What's been stated is that men see women differently than women see men. Ask your husband.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Yes, but do you put yourself in situations that it's more likely to eventually happen? Spending time alone with someone of the opposite sex, etc? Why put yourself or your spouse in that situation?

What's been stated is that men see women differently than women see men. Ask your husband.

I don't need to ask him anything.

I just don't understand the last part. Him being a man doesn't change his morals. I guess that's where I get lost.

 

[Buckalew11]

I do not think that is what is being said here at all, Cassie.

I think the basic thought that one should protect their marriage as best they can, be aware that having intimate, close friendships with members of the opposite sex can often lead to trouble within a marriage and that NO ONE, male or female, is immune is more of what is being said.

The feelings were the same, if you recall, when we thought the OP was a female. Nothings changed. We're just saying it is wise to protect your marriage.

Adultery/affairs can happen to women as easily as to men.

I'm sure the OP's friend is getting MORE out of the friendship than the OP is. In general, women seek (when having an affair) more of an emotional bond instead of sex anyway. Sounds like she is definitely getting that within this friendship.

No one says you cannot have friends of the opposite sex. I think we're just saying the deepness of that relationship can cause some trouble on down the road. I've always gotten along better with men than women. I have male friends. But I will say that through the years more than a couple of them have tried to make it more than "friends." I'm ultra careful and not flirty.

I think it is a really good thing that the OP and his wife are on the same page. I feel very fortunate that DH and I are on the same page. That'd be a big deal within a marriage if you wanted to cultivate super close friendships with the opposite sex and your spouse was leery and jealous of that intimacy.

It obviously works for some people. It is flirty with disaster to others.

 

[luvmy3]

Yes, but do you put yourself in situations that it's more likely to eventually happen? Spending time alone with someone of the opposite sex, etc? Why put yourself or your spouse in that situation?

What's been stated is that men see women differently than women see men. Ask your husband.

Why is more likely to happen, just because a man and a woman happen to spend all that time together? A man, or a woman can cheat anywhere, anytime if they are the type that would cheat. Some people aren't that type and are perfectly capable of spending time with the opposite sex without it being "a situation where its likely to happen". I know my dh is one of them, and I know I'm one of them. If you cant say the same about yourself or your spouse that is your personal issue, not everyone's.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I do not think that is what is being said here at all, Cassie.

I think the basic thought that one should protect their marriage as best they can, be aware that having intimate, close friendships with members of the opposite sex can often lead to trouble within a marriage and that NO ONE, male or female, is immune is more of what is being said.

The feelings were the same, if you recall, when we thought the OP was a female. Nothings changed. We're just saying it is wise to protect your marriage.

Adultery/affairs can happen to women as easily as to men.

I'm sure the OP's friend is getting MORE out of the friendship than the OP is. In general, women seek (when having an affair) more of an emotional bond instead of sex anyway. Sounds like she is definitely getting that within this friendship.

No one says you cannot have friends of the opposite sex. I think we're just saying the deepness of that relationship can cause some trouble on down the road. I've always gotten along better with men than women. I have male friends. But I will say that through the years more than a couple of them have tried to make it more than "friends." I'm ultra careful and not flirty.

I think it is a really good thing that the OP and his wife are on the same page. I feel very fortunate that DH and I are on the same page. That'd be a big deal within a marriage if you wanted to cultivate super close friendships with the opposite sex and your spouse was leery and jealous of that intimacy.

It obviously works for some people. It is flirty with disaster to others.

Maybe I just read into some of the comments differently.

I agree that there is a point where it is crossing the line, but I don't think deep friendship is where MY line is drawn.

If people saw the relationship I have with DH's cousin they would be shocked! He is one of my very best friends...DH knows and doesn't care. Maybe because they are also very close.

 

[Buckalew11]

Maybe I just read into some of the comments differently.

I agree that there is a point where it is crossing the line, but I don't think deep friendship is where MY line is drawn.

If people saw the relationship I have with DH's cousin they would be shocked! He is one of my very best friends...DH knows and doesn't care. Maybe because they are also very close.

Hey, if it works for you...that's great. Really. Because close friends aren't easy to come by. As terrible as it sounds, I have a client, right now, having an affair with her DH's cousin. They're all close but the DH is catching on. It's been sad to watch and hear of how it all started and where it is now. It doesn't happen to everyone, but it does happen.

 

[Devilsangel7681]

I would have to say no, my husband and I would not be ok with it. We are each other's best friend. We understand each other better than ANYONE else, even family. We don't need a friendship outside of our marriage that would be that close with anyone, much less someone from the opposite sex. Sure we have friendships of the opposite sex at work, mutual friends etc. but not that close. Co workers are friends at work to talk to and our mutual friends we hang out with together. I would never be close to someone else of the opposite sex because I wouldn't really feel the need to, my husband is that person. He goes to the grocery store with me, I go to Lowe's with him. To be honest we both work a lot during the week so the limited time we do get to see each other is pretty much only on the weekends. I don't really have time for anyone else.

Having said that, your business is your business. If you are both ok with it then I say who cares what other people think? I would just be careful to make sure you aren't "emotionally" cheating like someone suggested. That can be a very slippery slope.

IMO - I wouldn't do it, but your relationship with your spouse is YOUR business. Don't live your life based on other people's judgmental attitudes

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Hey, if it works for you...that's great. Really. Because close friends aren't easy to come by. As terrible as it sounds, I have a client, right now, having an affair with her DH's cousin. They're all close but the DH is catching on. It's been sad to watch and hear of how it all started and where it is now. It doesn't happen to everyone, but it does happen.

I know it happens.

I REALLY am sure it wouldn't happen with us. We are not(at least I am NOT) attracted to him at all. That is a big factor for me, personally. I know not everyone feels that way though.