Is your spouse ok with you being alone with the opposite sex?

[roomthreeseventeen]

I wouldn't be comfortable with an opposite gender friend that close.

OK, can I ask why? Like, are there people out there whose marriages are so fragile that having a friend with different uh, parts, automatically leads to having an affair?

 

[pearlieq]

I don't agree. I think there are plenty of people who develop a friendship due to common interests(work, school, kids, etc) with no intention of having an affair. I think that is the point of many peoples comments--even people with the best intentions can make a mistake. Friendships can progess beyond "just friends" and if one person doesn't put the brakes on and realize where it could be headed and limit their time spent alone, problems can happen.

Exactly. Why even put yourself in the situation where temptation might develop or your actions could be misconstrued? There are plenty of ways to see my male friends without being alone with them for extended periods of time. I have plenty of female friends to pal around with when I crave company.

If I'm trying to eat well I don't go hang around McDonalds just because they have free wi-fi. The wi-fi at the library is just as free, with 100% less chance there will be a french fry incident.

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

Exactly. Why even put yourself in the situation where temptation might develop or your actions could be misconstrued?

Again, who are these people that are in marriages so fragile that they are tempted to cheat on them after spending a few hours with a friend?

 

[pearlieq]

Again, who are these people that are in marriages so fragile that they are tempted to cheat on them after spending a few hours with a friend?

Do you honestly believe that's what people are saying?

If so, I'm not sure there's much I can say that would help you understand another perspective.

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

Do you honestly believe that's what people are saying?

If so, I'm not sure there's much I can say that would help you understand another perspective.

Yes, that’s honestly what people are saying. They are saying their spouse cannot spend time along with friends who have different body parts than they do.

 

[Colleen27]

Exactly. Why even put yourself in the situation where temptation might develop or your actions could be misconstrued? There are plenty of ways to see my male friends without being alone with them for extended periods of time. I have plenty of female friends to pal around with when I crave company.

And if you didn't have plenty of same gender friends? If you were a SAHD who didn't have other men to socialize with during the day, or just a woman who has little in common with the other women around her? You'd just sit home alone rather than developing friendships with the people who are available and with whom you share common interests because sharing common "parts" is a primary qualification for friendship?

 

[pearlieq]

Yes, that’s honestly what people are saying. They are saying their spouse cannot spend time along with friends who have different body parts than they do.

That must be what they've mutually agreed to in their relationships. If that's not how you feel, do something different in your own relationship.

Here's why I think it's a bad idea:

Intimacy develops through time spent together and shared experiences. I am not saying that one afternoon together breeds an affair, but when one afternoon becomes months of afternoons, coffees, meals shared, phone calls, etc. intimacy develops.

Spending that much time together, it's natural for people to talk. They share their opinions about the news, start telling their stories from high school, and can often find themselves wading into deeper topics over time. All of the sudden this person knows you really well, and you know them. You start to have in-jokes, that "you had to be there" story about the crazy lady who always comes to the diner, and maybe a private lexicon.

And, obviously, if you've been able to stand each other's company for this long and this much, there's an affinity between you. You enjoy each other and have fun spending time together.

So now you have a man and a woman who enjoy each other's company, have an intimate connection, and spend a lot of time alone together. I am absolutely NOT saying that this means anything untoward will develop, but it sure is fertile soil.

When it's avoidable, why let that happen at all?

 

[TLSnell1981]

But, isn't that what friends do..spend time together and enjoy each other's company?

 

[MagicallyDelicious]

That must be what they've mutually agreed to in their relationships. If that's not how you feel, do something different in your own relationship.

Here's why I think it's a bad idea:

Intimacy develops through time spent together and shared experiences. I am not saying that one afternoon together breeds an affair, but when one afternoon becomes months of afternoons, coffees, meals shared, phone calls, etc. intimacy develops.

Spending that much time together, it's natural for people to talk. They share their opinions about the news, start telling their stories from high school, and can often find themselves wading into deeper topics over time. All of the sudden this person knows you really well, and you know them. You start to have in-jokes, that "you had to be there" story about the crazy lady who always comes to the diner, and maybe a private lexicon.

And, obviously, if you've been able to stand each other's company for this long and this much, there's an affinity between you. You enjoy each other and have fun spending time together.

So now you have a man and a woman who enjoy each other's company, have an intimate connection, and spend a lot of time alone together. I am absolutely NOT saying that this means anything untoward will develop, but it sure is fertile soil.

When it's avoidable, why let that happen at all?

This is exactly how it happens. It may not always follow this path, but those who are oblivious to the possibility are fooling themselves.

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

This is exactly how it happens. It may not always follow this path, but those who are oblivious to the possibility are fooling themselves.

... or maybe we have monogamous spouses?

 

[pearlieq]

And if you didn't have plenty of same gender friends? If you were a SAHD who didn't have other men to socialize with during the day, or just a woman who has little in common with the other women around her? You'd just sit home alone rather than developing friendships with the people who are available and with whom you share common interests because sharing common "parts" is a primary qualification for friendship?

Why can't this dad meet his social needs with other male friends during the evenings or weekends? Why can't he join the PTO or parent-child activities at the community center and hang out with all of the other parents in group settings? Why can't he visit with a few of the people at the playground? Why not start a SAHD group or a general SAHP play circle?

Why can't this sidelined mom find a group of other people she does have things in common with? Why can't she volunteer at the local hospital while the kids are in school? Has she tried stretching a little bit to see if maybe she's written off the other women too quickly? If she meets a man with whom she shares a common interest, why can't they join the same class or club? Why can't she have him over on Saturday afternoon when everyone is home? They can still build model trains together while the rest of the family goes about their business.

Why can't either of them join a large, internet-based community based on one of their interests and spend time interacting with the various members as a social outlet during their downtime?

There are tons of options that don't involve spending large amounts of time alone with a member of the opposite sex who is not your spouse.

At any rate, neither of these people are my problem. They can work their own deal out with their spouses. If it works for them, that's all that matters.

 

[pearlieq]

... or maybe we have monogamous spouses?

You asked someone to explain this perspective to you. That's all I'm trying to do. Your marriage is your own business.

I don't know if you're meaning to come across this way, but I'm getting some implied judgment from your responses. My marriage is monogamous as well. It's also not "fragile." Are you trying to say that your way of thinking and/or marriage is somehow superior?

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

You asked someone to explain this perspective to you. That's all I'm trying to do. Your marriage is your own business.

I don't know if you're meaning to come across this way, but I'm getting some implied judgment from your responses. My marriage is monogamous as well. It's also not "fragile." Are you trying to say that your way of thinking and/or marriage is somehow superior?

Not at all. But when you commit to someone, that someone gets to make the assumption that you are not going to cheat on them. The idea that having a close friend of the opposite sex makes it tempting to cheat or puts you in a provocative situation is extremely sexist, in my opinion.

 

[ols386]

My dh wouldn't be bothered, but I think he would be curious if I spent a LOT of time alone with a friend of the opposite sex.

 

[pearlieq]

Not at all. But when you commit to someone, that someone gets to make the assumption that you are not going to cheat on them. The idea that having a close friend of the opposite sex makes it tempting to cheat or puts you in a provocative situation is extremely sexist, in my opinion.

I wish that could be the reality of the situation, but the more I've been around the block the more I believe it's not. Humans are wonderfully flawed creatures. They are insecure and seek validation. They get bored and crave excitement. They sometimes think fun sounds a lot better than hard work. Sometimes they just plain get randy, lonely, and/or tipsy.

The lowest estimates from legitimate, peer-reviewed studies say that upwards of 20% of marriages are touched by infidelity and most of those don't address emotional affairs. I haven't personally been touched by this, and I hope I never will be.

Going back to the metaphor I made earlier, I'm trying not to eat sugar, so I don't keep Oreos in the house. Ideally I'd be completely enlightened and have wonderful self-control and could swim in a pool of Oreos and never be tempted, but I'm human. Much better to just avoid the problem in the first place.

Sexist or not, I think taking steps to keep myself out of situations that might lead to an intimate relationship with another man (and also allowing my husband the peace of mind to know that I'm doing so) are good for building a long, solid marriage based on commitment and respect between US. YMMV.

 

[threeboysmom]

Tell you what, roomthreeseventeen... Have your amazingly strong husband spend the weekend alone with a very beautiful woman, every weekend.... and see just how monogamous he can be

 

[Julylady]

Is it different if the two people work together? Several years ago I was part of a work team of six people, 4 women and 2 men. We would often have to pair up on out of town consulting jobs. The wife of one of the guys would freak out when he traveled with a women, which was most of the time. It got to the point it interfered with his ability to do his job, and he had to leave. I just thought it was really sad.

 

[shortbun]

My spouse would have no problem with it, but I would never put myself in that position to get rumors started.

Exactly! If people are talking...time to change things. I don't spend that kind of time with any of my girlfriends regularly. I would not want to put my spouse in that kind of an embarrasing position.

Julylady-I do think it's different when you are working with someone of the opposite sex. This OP chooses to be with her 'friend.'

 

[MagicallyDelicious]

... or maybe we have monogamous spouses?

Yes, maybe we do. Or maybe we don't.

Do you honestly think every woman/man that's cheated on knows about it, or ever finds out about it? What next? We should have kept our man happy at home? Please.

I tell you what, you argue about what you've never experienced until you're blue in the face. It's no skin off my back. I know what I've lived. Until you've been there, you have no clue.

 

[bdcp]

Is it different if the two people work together? Several years ago I was part of a work team of six people, 4 women and 2 men. We would often have to pair up on out of town consulting jobs. The wife of one of the guys would freak out when he traveled with a women, which was most of the time. It got to the point it interfered with his ability to do his job, and he had to leave. I just thought it was really sad.

Yes it is, unless they look for reasons to travel together and be alone. My DH travels for work and has dinner occasionally with one of his coworkers who happens to be a good friend of mine. I know her opinion of fidelity and I know her very well, but if they ever started traveling together because they want to, or had dinner together every night or went for drinks together to bars then I would tell him I don't like it and figure something else out. But, he would never do that because he never, ever puts himself in a situation like that. They might have dinner alone once during the week because the rest of the group likes to go out to expensive dinners and spend a lot on wine which doesn't appeal to either of them. They do not, however eat all their meals together, nor do they even usually stay in the same hotel. It's an entirely different animal than what the OP posted about.

We are faithful, but not stupid. Thinking someone is immune because they are "monogamous" is living in a fairy tale world because it can happen and there is no reason to put yourself in that situation.

And, the reality is, we are talking about two different animals in this thread. What the OP is talking about is very different than having a friend you see occasionally for dinner or a concert. The OP's seems to be an ongoing, long term one on one relationship with more intimacy than most of us are comfortable with.