Is not allowing your child to nap child abuse?

[Andtototoo]

Sounds like people where I work. The babies are raised by their nannies and put to bed at 6:30 p.m before the parents come home from work. These people have their kids in daycare at 6:30 in the morning and then their nannies pick them up and take care of them the rest of their waking hours. I don't understand why some people have kids?

I have relatives like that. The husband has a big wig job and the wife is SAH. They have six children who... live in a separate house on their property with their nannies. I truly truly do not understand why you'd have children, let alone SIX of them if you don't even want to live in the same house with them. And the main house is over 30K square feet, so seriously all those kids could live there with their nannies and the parents wouldn't even know it.

 

[RadioNate]

Abuse - not at all.

Stupid - debatable.

All sleep "experts" will tell you that sleep begets sleep.

At 1 my DD slept 12 hours at night + a 3-4 hour nap. My niece is 10 months and she is a bit less maybe 2-3 hours nap and 10-11 hours at night. But I notice that my niece has a harder time being restful as her naps are inconsistent and she is often woken from them by her siblings being loud or their dog.

 

[Coconut36]

It's stupid, but I don't think it rises to the level of abuse.

This..stupid and making life uncomfortable/difficult for herself and most certainly for the child but not something I would deem abuse. My kids stopped napping young..especially my oldest but it was clear he didn't need the naps (I did but he didn't ) so they ended.

 

[clutter]

Well, then I guess your sister would think I am abusive. I won’t let my 9 year old sleep on the way home from her summer day camp. Sure, she is tired – swimming, playing out in the sun, being on the go all day. She wants to sleep. But, if she takes even a 15-20 minute nap then she cannot go to sleep until 11 or 12 that night. And, even if she’s up until midnight, she had to get up at 7 the next morning. So, basically I won’t let her trade a 15-20 minute nap for 2-3 extra hours of sleep at night.

Do you know how long the baby sleeps at night? Does he wake up at 10 or 11 am? If so, it’s not crazy that she wants him to stay awake until 8 or so. Does he wake up at 6 and then nap from 9-11? If so, maybe an afternoon nap doesn’t fit into the schedule (too much sleep).

As others have said, a truly sleepy baby will sleep or will scream until you let it sleep. If mom’s redirection works, then I think she’s doing ok.

The worst part of being a parent is everybody else judging you all the time!

Trade your 9 for a 3, and that was my dd. She is a night owl since birth. She would be perfectly agreeable about going to bed, but simply could not go to sleep until close to 10pm. If she got as much as 5 minutes of sleep during the day, it would be midnight. So yeah, 5 minutes of sleep meant losing 2 hours of sleep.

Remember, all kids are different. Some are just more different than others. 16 hours of sleep is an average. You've gotta have some outliers to get to that number.

 

[Arielle22]

I would do the same thing with my two DDs. If they took even a 5 minute nap it would mean a hour or two later bedtime. So no naps until they got back into their regular sleep patterns.

Neither of them slept 16 hours a day when they were that age. They slept about 11 hours a night and if they took a nap maybe 1 hour there.

I don't see it as abusive or stupid.

 

[clutter]

OP here. Not sure how long she's been doing this with the baby, but I think it's more like she wants the child to fit her schedule. She was angry at her MIL the other day because she let the child take a nap while she was watching her, and then she (the mom) was trying since 8:30 that night to get her to go to bed. Well of course if she took a nap she was not going to fall asleep at her regular time, so why try for two hours? Let the kid get up and play, read her a book, etc.

Wow, judgemental much? If she let her dd nap and put her to bed at 11 every night, you'd probably also call it abuse as well. Oh wait, you already did that because she's skipping the nap. Now she's a horrible person because the nap happened and the child couldn't sleep? Make up your mind.

Perhaps, she's simply aware of her child's body rhythms. Perhaps her DH (that would be the son of the MIL) insists that it's abuse if a kid goes to bed later than 8:30. Frankly, if I was that mom, I would certainly NOT need your sister to be in my circle of friends.

And yes, having had the kid that simply could not go to sleep if you put her to bed too early (not by conventional standards), I would get pretty annoyed if my day care provider let my dd nap and I ended up staying up until midnight as a result.

 

[laughinplace199]

Abuse? Definitely not.

Poor parenting? Perhaps. Or maybe a mom who's at the end of her rope and hasn't read enough about babies and their sleep habits.

I've never met a baby who could be kept awake if he/she wanted to sleep.

 

[Coconut36]

Well of course if she took a nap she was not going to fall asleep at her regular time, so why try for two hours? Let the kid get up and play, read her a book, etc.

I wouldn't have done that. My DH always had issues falling and staying asleep..as does his mother. His mother however fed into his issues and instead of giving him skills to try to fall back asleep it would be party time..let's eat, read a book, watch TV..etc and as an adult he has serious sleep issues because in childhood he never learned/develop any healthy sleep habits.

In my home even if they had trouble falling asleep we would still "try" to sleep. Lay in the room and sing songs or cuddling. I would not allow or encourage play time or lights on for any reason because I don't want them to think "if I can't sleep I just get up and do other stuff". I want them to start to develop skills to soothe themselves/help themselves fall asleep. Nothing wrong with that at all.

 

[Coconut36]

Abuse? Definitely not.

Poor parenting? Perhaps. Or maybe a mom who's at the end of her rope and hasn't read enough about babies and their sleep habits.

I've never met a baby who could be kept awake if he/she wanted to sleep.

At 12 months I think they can. My oldest in particular HATED napping..he kept himself awake..you could see him fight it. I see pictures of kids that fall asleep at the table, on the floor playing, watching TV...NEVER for my kids. They will fight it, fight it, fight it and stay awake at all costs. Now this is them doing it to themselves not anyone else keeping them awake so that might be the difference.

 

[laughinplace199]

At 12 months I think they can. My oldest in particular HATED napping..he kept himself awake..you could see him fight it. I see pictures of kids that fall asleep at the table, on the floor playing, watching TV...NEVER for my kids. They will fight it, fight it, fight it and stay awake at all costs. Now this is them doing it to themselves not anyone else keeping them awake so that might be the difference.

I see what you're saying, but I think that if a baby wants to sleep, they're gonna sleep.

I feel for you though, it must have been tough to have your kids resist naps. I was lucky that my kids napped pretty easily.

 

[Scurvy]

It definitely isn't abusive. As for whether it's stupid? It depends on the child. It could be, but it also might not be. And frankly, I don't see anything at all wrong with a parent trying to get her child's sleep schedule to work with her own schedule. It might be nice for a mom to stay up all night with her child if the kid naturally prefers to sleep till noon, take a nap in the afternoon and then stay up most of the night, but most parents don't have the luxury of allowing their life (and their jobs) to revolve around their children to that extent.

By the time my son was a little over a year old we had to try to keep him from napping in the afternoon unless we wanted to be up until midnight. Even a short nap made a huge difference in when he was able to go to sleep. And no matter what time he went to bed, he woke up by 6:00 in the morning. So for us, dealing with a slightly fussy and tired child in the evening was much preferable to dealing with an exhausted child the day after a nap. Kids are different, sleep patterns are different, and there is no one size all answer that works for everyone. I'm going to assume that the child's mother knows better about her own child than the OP's sister does.

 

[EllenFrasier]

Wow, judgemental much? If she let her dd nap and put her to bed at 11 every night, you'd probably also call it abuse as well. Oh wait, you already did that because she's skipping the nap. Now she's a horrible person because the nap happened and the child couldn't sleep? Make up your mind.

Perhaps, she's simply aware of her child's body rhythms. Perhaps her DH (that would be the son of the MIL) insists that it's abuse if a kid goes to bed later than 8:30. Frankly, if I was that mom, I would certainly NOT need your sister to be in my circle of friends.

And yes, having had the kid that simply could not go to sleep if you put her to bed too early (not by conventional standards), I would get pretty annoyed if my day care provider let my dd nap and I ended up staying up until midnight as a result.

Have you ever had your children in daycare or preschool? My kids went to preschool and they had cots and brought a blanket and they had naptime. Not all the kids fell asleep at that age, but some of them did. When my kids entered kindergarten, they had to bring a beach towel to lie on for nap time.

 

[NYEmomma]

Doesn't sound like abuse to me, just incredibly uneducated parenting. Sounds like mom knows nothing about sleep habits & the sleep needs of young children. And as a FTM, I don't think she can really be blamed for that either.

My daughter was a HORRIBLE sleeper initially... it took me getting to the edge of my sanity pretty much to seek out help and become educated about what DD needed in terms of sleep. It wasn't a quick, overnight fix but after a lot of work on everyone's part, we got her onto an appropriate sleep schedule and she became a much happier baby because she was getting the proper amount of sleep.

I had just assumed that babies would sleep when they needed it... I never knew they needed HELP to get the appropriate amount of sleep and I never knew that "sleep begets sleep".

Just sounds like she needs to check a couple books out of the library or talk to someone who has BTDT to get her daughter onto an appropriate schedule and allow her to get an adequate amount of sleep.

 

[mjkacmom]

At that age, all of my kids napped from 9 - 11, 2 - 4, and slept from 8 - 7. At first I wasn't going to call it abuse, but when my babies made me sleep deprived, it was torture. I felt absolutely horrible! Now, if this baby wasn't sleepy during the day, I wouldn't have an issue, but it appears this baby wants to sleep.

 

[ols386]

Op -- From what you described, it sounds like the child wants/needs to sleep during the day, at least for maybe a short period of time. Keeping your baby from sleeping (if they are indeed sleepy and need the sleep) only so that it fits into your own schedule is selfish, imo.

 

[clutter]

Have you ever had your children in daycare or preschool? My kids went to preschool and they had cots and brought a blanket and they had naptime. Not all the kids fell asleep at that age, but some of them did. When my kids entered kindergarten, they had to bring a beach towel to lie on for nap time.

Since birth. It was mandated by the state that daycare centers had to provide "nap/quiet time," but it was not as stringent for home providers. So dd stayed in home care until she went to morning only jk (and I paid extra for transportation back to home provider). By kindergarten, the naps/quiet time were no longer mandated.

So would you call me abusive for not letting dd nap? If she didn't nap, she slept from 10 - 7. If she napped she slept from 12-7, plus 20 minutes. You may call it abuse, selfish, I call it sanity. I wasn't fitting her into my schedule by choice, I HAD to work and had no choice about making her sleep schedule fit mine.

FWIW, it all goes away in the teen years. Now 15, dd napped for 4 hours after working all day the other day, got up at 9:30 to eat, then went back to sleep at 11:30. She can sleep more now than she did when she was born! But she's still sub-human until 11am, and she warns her friends about that...

 

[bdcp]

I think it's a bit abusive. Babies and toddlers need their sleep. If she was on a regular schedule, she'd sleep better. Kids can be overtired which makes it harder to get them to bed. It can become a cycle of problems. Babies thrive on schedules.

My boys were totally different in terms of naps, but both slept well at night. The oldest quit taking two naps a day by 6 months and was done with one a day by 2.5. Youngest DS took two a day til he was about 18 months old and one a day almost everyday til about 4 and occasionally took one til he was about 7 (weekends). But, they were fabulous sleepers. Both slept through the night (9pm - 5 am) at 9 weeks of age and by 4-5 months were in bed by 7 pm and sleeping til 7 am til they were about 3. I was a SAHM which gave me the flexibility.

 

[Magic Mom]

I know someone who has a baby that just turned one year old. She does not allow the child to take a nap during the day because she wants her to go to bed at 8:30 at night. The child is obviously tired, rubbing her eyes, laying her head down on the couch, yawning, etc. but she snatches her up and gets her moving so she does not fall asleep.
I asked her why and she says if she takes a nap, she won't go to sleep until 10 or 11 at night. So she is making her stay awake all day just so she does not have to deal with her at night? I was thinking that it was probably a phase the baby was going through when she would not go to sleep at night after a nap - my kids all did that.
What do you think? My sister says it's child abuse because she won't let her baby sleep when she is obviously tired.

I don't think it's abuse or ignorant. Some people encourage late naps so bedtime is late and then everyone can sleep in. Some train for earlier naps so an earlier bedtime. This woman says no naps to get an early bedtime. What's the difference? Every family has to find what works for them.

 

[cornflake]

OP here. Not sure how long she's been doing this with the baby, but I think it's more like she wants the child to fit her schedule. She was angry at her MIL the other day because she let the child take a nap while she was watching her, and then she (the mom) was trying since 8:30 that night to get her to go to bed. Well of course if she took a nap she was not going to fall asleep at her regular time, so why try for two hours? Let the kid get up and play, read her a book, etc.
I wish I realized how short my children's childhood actually was going to be. While I was in the midst of raising my children it always seemed like in my mind I was saying "when they get older, it will be easier"...not. As they have gotten older, it is harder!
If you have kids that are 4 or under, cherish every minute of it. Once they get to school, everything changes.
And as far as this particular mom goes, I have no intention of reporting her to CPS for not allowing her child to take a nap! I was just wondering if my sister was off base thinking it was abuse. I think it's very selfish of this mom to not allow her child to sleep when she's tired, but I'm sure the child will be okay.

Yes, presumably she does. Good on her.

I don't know when we got to adults should work their lives to a one-year-old's schedule but (newborn and infant round-the-clock stuff aside) in general, yes, I think children should fit their parents' schedules in those kinds of (sleep hours, etc.) ways. Parents have jobs, things to do, schedules to keep. One-year-olds don't. The whole house shouldn't bend because little Susie felt sleepy so took a long nap so is now up and wants to bang pans until 12am when her parents have to leave for work by 8am.

No one is talking about waterboarding Susie to keep her up, as, as many have noted, you can't keep a truly exhausted baby up, they'll go facedown into the farina. However, saying 'no, yawning and laying on the couch doesn't turn into a blankie and nap situation, let's hit the sandbox instead, have some apple slices for sustenance!' so Susie goes to bed at an hour that works for her parents' schedules? Seems perfectly logical to me.

 

[Coconut36]

Yes, presumably she does. Good on her.

I don't know when we got to adults should work their lives to a one-year-old's schedule but (newborn and infant round-the-clock stuff aside) in general, yes, I think children should fit their parents' schedules in those kinds of (sleep hours, etc.) ways. Parents have jobs, things to do, schedules to keep. One-year-olds don't. The whole house shouldn't bend because little Susie felt sleepy so took a long nap so is now up and wants to bang pans until 12am when her parents have to leave for work by 8am.

No one is talking about waterboarding Susie to keep her up, as, as many have noted, you can't keep a truly exhausted baby up, they'll go facedown into the farina. However, saying 'no, yawning and laying on the couch doesn't turn into a blankie and nap situation, let's hit the sandbox instead, have some apple slices for sustenance!' so Susie goes to bed at an hour that works for her parents' schedules? Seems perfectly logical to me.

While I don't think it is abuse I don't agree that toddlers and children sleep schedules should be bound to their parents lives..I think it works the other way. As an adult my needs are not the same as my childs in regards to the hours I work or the rest I need day to day. They need X hours of sleep for growth and health..I don't. When one makes the decision to have children I think they need to realize the have to make some adjustments in life. Keeping the kid up until 10pm and then dragging them out of bed at 5am to get off to work isn't fair to them and they are not getting the minimum sleep needed for their age/growth/development.