Is Love Enough??

[starry_solo]

Honey, I am completely NOT conservative, and I grew up working class paycheck-to-paycheck, and even I think you are MUCH better off without him. The swapping naked photos with his sons thing would have me running for the hills! That shows a fundamental and ongoing disrespect for women, IMO, in a way that goes above and beyond just looking at other women or even watching porn solo.

+1

I also want to point out, since it doesn't look like anyone else has, is that people can come from all sorts of upbringings (horrible family life) and it can either be a crutch/curse ("I behave this bad way because of my upbringing") or good ("Because of my upbringing, I decided to do better"). It looks like he is using the excuse of a poor upbringing as the reason for all his decisions.

There was a poster who mentioned that her father allowed her then-boyfriend to move in with them after 2 weeks, because of the situation the then-boyfriend (now husband) was living in. Plus, I think the boyfriend was in his late teens/early 20s. Obviously, the father realized that this was a situation that could be turned around and was successful because the now-husband was WILLING to change. The OP's guy doesn't seem quite so willing (maybe he's set in his ways, etc).

 

[ajh88]

Sitting here with tears streaming down my face. Sounds like the majority of you are saying to walk away and don't look back.

My fear is that I could be making a grave mistake by throwing away a very good thing here. But yet, I understand that I can't keep "stringing him along" while I try to make up my mind what to do.

I just care so much for him. Really sucks when you fall in love with the one man that may not be compatible.

I wouldn't say any such thing - I don't know either one of you. All the advice you are getting here is based upon your characterization of this gentleman, yourself, and your relationship. Honestly, your description of him in your relationship doesn't seem cohesive with your depiction of him overall (loyal and faithful to you but had an open marriage, for example).

I have no advice, just some questions - how on earth have you managed to maintain a relationship for 3 years with such glaring differences? Why does it have to move on to some other level? If you are both satisfied dating and you are faithful to each other, why is this such an obstacle for you?

You have spelled out all the ways in which you are different, but there MUST be something you have in common for you to feel so strongly for him and for you to have spent several years in a relationship with him. If you brought these differences up after a few dates, I would probably say to run for the hills, but after a couple of years, I suspect there is a lot more to it. As a PP stated, if you are happier with him than without him, what is the rush to make a decision on the future now?

 

[peacelover]

OP
Read what you posted. He's such a great guy.

He swaps porn with his sons and cruises the mall to check out other women.

He would be faithful after 3 years if only I would commit,
I'm embarrassed to take him home to meet the folks.
He lives paycheck to paycheck.
He raised his sons with no values.
You answered your own question.
Would you want your daughter to date someone like that?

 

[honeydiane1953]

U and this man maybe "love" each other physically however my dear YOU ARE JUST NOT THAT INTO HIM!!!!!!!!!

 

[aclov]

I haven’t read all the comments but you reminded me a lot of my friend who is about 10 yrs older than you. She was even wearing bikini’s and more revealing clothing to look sexy for him, because that’s what HE liked. He would make comments too about women and say “all men are like that”, it started becoming really disgusting to her. She didn’t want to marry him in fear that her financial situation would be jeapordized, she worked too long and too hard for what she had and he had nothing but debt. He wouldn’t take her around his friends because he knew she was too classy for them, she’s not a judgemental person at all and down to earth, but he just didn’t trust that they would behave or respect her. I think that says a lot about him, as the saying “tell me who your friends are, and I’ll tell you who you are!” They eventually broke up and it was VERY hard for her, but she realized they were different.

 

[thelionqueen]

After reading this entire thread I wasn't going to comment, but feel compelled to.

To the OP..so FEW people in this world ACTUALLY find TRUE LOVE it's crazy! I thought I had found it a few times in my life..but until you actually find "THE ONE" you never knew what you were missing.

It sounds to me like this is the love you found. Regardless of the upbringing, opinions, need for counseling, anything like that..the HEART does not easily let go of something that special.

I found the man of my dreams and believe me..it is NO picnic! He has serious issues from his childhood, insecurities, parents who were alcoholics, bi-polar, trust issues and more..yes even MORE!!!

The bottom line is this...
I LOVE THIS MAN..with all his problems and all the issues we have had and WILL continue to have...I LOVE HIM!!! I AM willing to work through and deal with WHATEVER comes our way because THAT KIND OF LOVE COMES BUT ONCE IN A LIFETIME!! (if you've never watched Bridges of Madison County..you should).

It sounds like your "logical" head is telling your "loving" heart what is right and wrong and what you "should" do. I agree that counseling would be very helpful for you...it's been a lifesaver for me. You obviously have your own "issues" that need to be addressed..and once they are I think the answer will be much more clear.

I've always found that in battles between the heart and mind..my heart wins out every time. And so far...I'm thankful it has Best to you!!

 

[jmkst58]

This is just what happened for me- since I was in a relationship with someone a lot like the man in your story. I can in no way comment on your situation.

but the man in my relationship sounds so much like yours (I still think he's funny & smart & honest & sensitive & sexy). And I am not entirely different from you.

It didn't work out. He & I had years & years of history together (12 years at the end of our relationship). I couldn't get past so many things about him. and it dragged on & on & i missed out on a lot of things while I tried to break free from him & our relationship. The thing I feel guiltiest about though? was that I did drag it on for him too. It is hard for me to regret what I missed out on- because I made the decision.. you know? I chose to continue to work things out with him- so it must have been what i wanted at the time- even if hindsight is 20/20. But I do feel bad that it dragged him along too - while I decided. I don't know. All I know is that it didn't work. I couldn't get past a lot of things with him. I feel like I'm paying now for all the years that I left myself 'spinning my wheels' in my relationship with him. I think it was detrimental and set me back.

 

[gk90]

OP
Read what you posted. He's such a great guy.

He swaps porn with his sons and cruises the mall to check out other women.

He would be faithful after 3 years if only I would commit,
I'm embarrassed to take him home to meet the folks.
He lives paycheck to paycheck.
He raised his sons with no values.
You answered your own question.
Would you want your daughter to date someone like that?

peacelover.

I don't think that Laceylace is a snob for not being comfortable with these issues.
Is love enough? No, not when there are such major differences, especially when it comes to fidelity and values.

 

[WeLuvDCL]

Just wondering how long you were divorced before you starting dating this guy. Is it possible that you are not really in love with him, just afraid of being alone. Think really hard about why you are actually crying now.
1. Is it because you really miss him and can name at least 5 things you miss about him?
2. Is it because you feel all alone and possible depressed?
3. Is it because you are sad that you feel you broke his heart?
etc.

If it's not #1, then you made the right decision.

 

[mrsklamc]

After reading this entire thread I wasn't going to comment, but feel compelled to.

To the OP..so FEW people in this world ACTUALLY find TRUE LOVE it's crazy! I thought I had found it a few times in my life..but until you actually find "THE ONE" you never knew what you were missing.

It sounds to me like this is the love you found. Regardless of the upbringing, opinions, need for counseling, anything like that..the HEART does not easily let go of something that special.

I found the man of my dreams and believe me..it is NO picnic! He has serious issues from his childhood, insecurities, parents who were alcoholics, bi-polar, trust issues and more..yes even MORE!!!

The bottom line is this...
I LOVE THIS MAN..with all his problems and all the issues we have had and WILL continue to have...I LOVE HIM!!! I AM willing to work through and deal with WHATEVER comes our way because THAT KIND OF LOVE COMES BUT ONCE IN A LIFETIME!! (if you've never watched Bridges of Madison County..you should).


I've always found that in battles between the heart and mind..my heart wins out every time. And so far...I'm thankful it has Best to you!!

I have two questions. 1) What about her post makes you think that she has once in a lifetime, true love with this guy? 2) How long have you been with your once in a lifetime love?