Is Love Enough??

[JennCa]

Good for you making a decision and sticking by it! I wasn't rooting for any outcome, you are the one who has to decide and live with it : )

I think once you have some counseling you will figure out better what you trully want and need and then will be able to commit in future.

Jenn

 

[williamson_ja]

I think you did the right thing by leaving. If you think some of those things bug you now, wait until you have to live with it every day. Do you really want that kind of behavior in your relationship? Do you feel comfortable with him looking at porn alone... and with his sons? That's pretty gross. Pornography and having an open relationship in his previous marriage are huge red flags. Those things change the way a man treats and looks at a woman forever. There is no way in heck that is ever going to be okay.

Someone once told me to make sure you have both eyes wide open when you are going into a marriage. Make sure you are absolutely okay with EVERYTHING about them before you make that kind of commitment. You deserve much better than that.

 

[Lisa71]

Move on...your inability to be with him as he is now will lead to bad things for you both. You need someone you can connect with and even though it seems he is great, the areas you are concerned with are huge..huge...huge. Love is love, and while it is important, the companionship and trust go a lot farther.

 

[mistysue]

I know he would never do anything to hurt me and that he would be truly faithful to me IF I could commit myself to him.(

What does this mean? Are you saying he hasn't been faithful to you? Or that he would be faithful forever if you committed?

I agree with the PP that the issues you are looking at are usually things you think of when wanting to plan a family... it seems to be the things upsetting you are crazy to even be worried about. Sometimes finding love can just be about finding love, not about finding love in the cookie cutter of who you should love.
But if you can't get over it (which at this point you obviously can't) you need to let him move on so at least he can be happy.

 

[Belle5]

Let me start with saying I have not read all the replies. I will tell you what I tell all my adult sons. Love is NOT enough. Choosing your future spouse is the most important business decision you will ever make! This includes financial business and every other kind of "business". If you were interviewing him for the position, I believe you would not "hire" him. The financial differences alone should send you running as he could literally ruin you as you head toward retirement.

 

[angwill]

You know what you need to do. It is obvious from your post. If you do not want to spend the rest of your life with him and don't believe in divorce then don't. He is older and set in his ways and will not change. Can you live with that behavior till your both old and grey? Do you want to retire with him?

Honestly, what he says about you being dissolusioned is not true but in his mind and world it is. There are men with the same values and morals as you but he obviously is not one of them. He does not live in your world he lives in a world where open marriage, checking out other woman at a mall, and exchanging porn with his sons is the norm and always will be. There are a lot of people who feel the same as he does and live in his world. He can't see a world outside that norm. You live in a world where that type of behavior is unacceptable and there are a lot of people, men included, who live in the same type of world you do. You can not see a world outside of your norm. Go find a man with the same morals and values that you can accept 100% and you want to spend the rest of your life. Most important quit wasting precious time with the wrong man.

 

[flyergrad09]

What are your non-negotiables? Can you think of 5 things that you absolutely must have in a spouse/life partner? Don't factor his personality into this list because ultimately YOU need to be happy with who you spend the rest of your life with. If he breaks any of you non-negotiables, then I think it's time to move on.

Breakups are awful, there's no getting around that. Believe me, I've ended a couple of relationships that I spent months or even years struggling with my decision, but in the end, I've found someone so much better who doesn't have to change who he is to fit into my life, and I don't have to change who I am to fit into his. This will happen to you, but you need to give yourself time to heal. Three years in a relationship is a long time.

Along with the others, I think going to a counselor would do you good. It's also important to find the right counselor for you. Talk to someone with a sympathetic ear who isn't quick to pass judgement. I know this sounds silly to even bring up when talking about counselors, but I can tell you from personal experience that not all counselors are created equal.

Good luck and stay strong! You deserve genuine happiness.

 

[RachelsMommie]

I've got to say, the "All men look" is a pile of crap.

All men do not look at other women. All men have the inclination to look, all men are probably tempted to look, but every man has a choice. Sorry, but men are not dogs who have no choice. They can look or not, but they have a choice.

 

[hsmamato2]

I care about this man SO MUCH and can't imagine him not being in my life. He's had more women take their clothes off in front of him than I can count. He has 2 grown sons he's a dad that goes to the mall with his sons to "check out" the hot girls or swap naked pics back & forth via email. The biggest issue I think is that he appreciates a woman's beautiful form to be blunt. He's very respectful to me, of course, but I know he looks - he says that's just how he is and that he can't change... that ALL men like to look. (

Really? Op, maybe if you re-read what you posted, you won't have a question anymore. No- all men DON'T behave that way. REAL men, GOOD men, actually respect the women in their lives,and don't treat them,or other women they see,as objects. IMHO what you've written doesn't describe a 'nice' guy. Not based on his past,but based on what he currently is doing.

 

[mrsklamc]

If this relationship was right for you, you wouldn't have to post asking about it.

 

[HALEYSMOMMOM]

I think you should move on. It may, at this point, be a question of whether you both have the same values. You don't. That would be an all important issue to me.
You will meet someone else, it just doesn't look like it to you right now.

 

[YO's Mom]

Am I the only one who thinks the OP is a snob? She looks down on this poor guy because of his past, and she is too embarrassed to introduce him to her friends and family after 3 years! Seriously? Yeah, I think you need to do the guy a favor and leave him alone. He deserves better. Get yourself back to the country club and find some guy who will know which fork to use and let Mr. Not Good Enough find a woman who will appreciate his great qualities without being ashamed of his not so great qualities. BTW, we all have not so great qualities. One of yours seems to be thinking that you are better than others.

 

[cstwwt]

Your happiness is what you need to protect, if you have not been able to commit to him, were you happy.....yes it sounds like you enjoyed his company, and being with him....but were you really happy??? Best of luck to you.....

 

[Belle5]

Am I the only one who thinks the OP is a snob? She looks down on this poor guy because of his past, and she is too embarrassed to introduce him to her friends and family after 3 years! Seriously? Yeah, I think you need to do the guy a favor and leave him alone. He deserves better. Get yourself back to the country club and find some guy who will know which fork to use and let Mr. Not Good Enough find a woman who will appreciate his great qualities without being ashamed of his not so great qualities. BTW, we all have not so great qualities. One of yours seems to be thinking that you are better than others.

Have you never been with anyone in your life (think family members) that there are parts of them you like but other times you are embarrassed to be with them? That does not make you a snob. It means that even though you care about them they have behaviors that make you less than comfortable...in my family VERY uncomfortable! I am sorry but everybody has their own comfort level.

 

[Mama Who]

All men look. All men do not swap naked pictures back and forth with their sons. Those are two very different things. I am sure my DH peeks but he's also got enough respect for me and cares enough about my feelings not to make it something I have to see him doing.

Prefering open marriage and multiple partners does not have to make him *less* than you or *worse* than you to make him incompatible with you on a permanent basis. If he has one set of sexual attitudes and morals and yours are in diametric opposition, neither of you has to be wrong for it to be a bad match.

I am sorry. I know it is heartbreaking to hear, but I do think you're a bad match. I think marriage with someone who is that firmly different on such a major marital issue is simply a road to unhappiness and another divorce.

 

[Sugar Jones]

Am I the only one who thinks the OP is a snob? She looks down on this poor guy because of his past, and she is too embarrassed to introduce him to her friends and family after 3 years! Seriously? Yeah, I think you need to do the guy a favor and leave him alone. He deserves better. Get yourself back to the country club and find some guy who will know which fork to use and let Mr. Not Good Enough find a woman who will appreciate his great qualities without being ashamed of his not so great qualities. BTW, we all have not so great qualities. One of yours seems to be thinking that you are better than others.

I agree with you 100%.

 

[hauntedmansion]

It doesn't matter what yours or his upbringing was, if you really loved him and he was your solemate there would not be any question in your mind. I truly believe everybody has a solemate and it doesn't sound like he's yours (Sorry)If he was you wouldn't be questioning it you would feel it. It wouldn't matter what his upbringing was, what your friends or family think, how much money he has, or what type of job you would want to be with this person no matter what! Take off your rose colored glasses and don't let him be the one who got away!

 

[barbarabini]

OP - its only been three days, call us in 3 months.. You'll get your appetite and sleep schedule back. You stuck with ihim because it was safe ...safe knowing you couldn't and wouldn't go any farther with him. Safe, because you didn't even have to bring him around your family or friends and find out what they thought. Safe, because you knew, deep down, he wasn't right for you and you didnt have to make a commitment.

Your free now, I would stop beating yourself up over this (i.e. is love enough blah blah... we are so different..blah )... I think you will be open to love and commitment with a man you think is good enough for you. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

PS - ditch the counseling, no amount of counseling is going to change his attitudes, his wallet, his upbringing or his incompatibility with traits of yours that you value. Spend it on a nice vacation.

 

[Eeyore98]

Honey, I am completely NOT conservative, and I grew up working class paycheck-to-paycheck, and even I think you are MUCH better off without him. The swapping naked photos with his sons thing would have me running for the hills! That shows a fundamental and ongoing disrespect for women, IMO, in a way that goes above and beyond just looking at other women or even watching porn solo.

 

[jenrose66]

I am in a heartbreaking situation right now, and I'm not sure if it's me that's the cause of it or not.

I have dated a man for the past three years now, but find myself unable to commit myself to him or bring myself to say "I love you" even though I really do feel that I love him. He has no qualms about letting me know he loves me dearly and wants to marry me someday if/when I'm ready.

I care about this man SO MUCH and can't imagine him not being in my life. However, I am struggling with the fact that we are very different people. Have no idea how we ended up in such a serious relationship - we don't even look like we belong together - but it just happened.

Me: I am from a very conservative background - you could say I've lived a very sheltered life. My family is not rich by any means, but we've always had money to enjoy life with. I have never known want or poverty in my life. My family has raised me with values - nobody drinks, does drugs, parties, been involved with the law, divorce... I come from a strict "white picket fence" type of world. I am now 45 yo with a successful career and money in my savings account and retirement accounts. I am a sophisticated and very attractive female who enjoys dressing up and dining at fabulous restaurants (sounds like I'm writing a personal ad, lol).

Him: As opposite as you can get from me. He is 46 yo and has been on his own since 17. His upbringing was a mess - lots of drugs, incest... you name it. I'm shocked every time he opens his mouth and shares something with me about his family. He works in a factory with a very dirty job - no money in the bank at all - he lives paycheck to paycheck. His marriage was an "open" marriage that consisted of other people being involved in their sex life. He's had more women take their clothes off in front of him than I can count. He has 2 grown sons who are VERY different from my own grown children. They weren't raised with any values whatsoever. In fact, he's a dad that goes to the mall with his sons to "check out" the hot girls or swap naked pics back & forth via email. It FLOORS me because that is so different than how I raised my children. I understand his sons are adults now and that he didn't do this when they were children... but still. He claims I'm living in a bubble not the real world. The biggest issue I think is that he appreciates a woman's beautiful form to be blunt. He's very respectful to me, of course, but I know he looks - he says that's just how he is and that he can't change... that ALL men like to look. I say that's bull crap.

He would never fit in with my circle of friends, and I don't seem to fit into his circle of friends.

It sounds like I'm putting him down, but he's been truly wonderful to me, he's faithful, loyal, sensitive, honest, hardworking, funny, intelligent, patient, and downright sexy. I know he would never do anything to hurt me and that he would be truly faithful to me IF I could commit myself to him. I just can't. I can't get past this hurdle of his past.

We have recently called it off because of our differences and MY inability to get over the fact that we're different and have very different upbringings and values. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I'm at a loss as to what to do. Do I let him go knowing that we're not "right" for each other, or do I dig deep and find a way to overcome our differences. Honestly, I thought I could do that, but it's been 3 years and I'm no closer to a resolution than I was when we first started dating.

I have never been around a man like him before. I don't know if I'm truly living in a bubble or if there's truly something wrong here and I need to end it here and now despite the incredible pain I am feeling at the very thought of walking away from him and never being a part of his life again.

I thought love could conquer all, but we can't seem to get there. I want to commit to someone that I can be a soul mate with and I'm not sure how 2 different people can ever be that despite their love for each other.

Cut your losses and move on. At the point you are at in your life you don't need a man like that. Sure you can love someone, but it would be foolish to commit to someone living "paycheck to paycheck" when you have money in the bank...he would just drag you down.

Plus, you think he's respectful of you, but once a cheater always a cheater.