Is it wrong to spank your child?

[bajanswife]

I never thought that a simple swat on the butt was abusive necessarily, but I always believed that there were more effective ways of teaching long-term lessons to children. However, over the past few years since I had kids, I have found that occasionally there are situations that pushed me towards using a spank. I am not proud that they happened, but I understand why, and I've forgiven myself for them. Mostly it was when they did something so horrendous (IMO anyway) that my anger shut down my brain, and I couldn't think past the "you will pay for this now" or "you will learn this lesson now" vs trying to come up with a response that was more teaching oriented. The word "discipline" means "to teach", and I try to make my discipline teach a long-term lesson wherever possible, but I have found that I am not perfect, and things do not always happen the way I would have planned. I have mostly used a spank as a way of reinforcing NOW (while it is fresh - young minds forget very quickly) that the particular behaviour has crossed a line into totally unacceptable and never to be tolerated. I am a strict parent, and there are many things I don't tolerate from children, so I suppose it was inevitable that I would get pushed too far from time to time.

I do think that it is possible to discipline effectively without spanking - I just don't know if I can do it. I tried, but I am not perfect at it by any means. I think some people find it easier to do than others, and I think some kids make it harder than others. This is why i try not to judge anyone when it comes to this.

Also, there are two kinds of non-spanking: there is not spanking because you just don't discipline enough, and there is not spanking because you have been able to teach through other methods. Let's not confuse the two. I'm sure lots of today's juvenile delinquents were not spanked, but I would wager that they fall under category 1. So many parents are using lousy discipline, spanking or not e.g. lack of follow through, lack of consistency, lack of attention and supervision, lack of adherance to clear boundaries etc.. I think those things I just mentioned are actually far more important that whether someone spanks on occasion or not.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Ok, #1 I don't smack my child in public. #2 When they are spanked it is a rare occurance and it is the means that I feel is appropriate. #3 For someone who thinks I need to spend more time with my kids, take a look at my sig. Do you see my kids or my PETS? #4 My family is my TOP priority and I LOVE them and want them to be respectable citizens. #5 There is a difference between beating and a spanking, a HUGE difference.

I think you are 100% correct in your way of raising your kids. Keep up the great parenting.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Also, there are two kinds of non-spanking: there is not spanking because you just don't discipline enough, and there is not spanking because you have been able to teach through other methods.

Very true!

 

[bajanswife]

I think it is a mistake to use the method of discipline as a gauge of good/bad parent. I think it is more about the overall parent/child relationship.

I hate to generalize because I think there are so many variables that we cannot say which method will result in a more well adjusted child.

But I do think the common denominator seems to be that parents who are cold, quick tempered, inconsistent and unloving will end up with worse results than those who are warm, patient, consistent and loving. You can have each type of parent in each camp here.

So, I think it is shortsighted to think the actual disciplinary technique is the real issue.

JMHO

IMO also. Parenting is way to complicated to boil down to such a simple thing as whether to spank or not.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Studies have shown that strong will kids are less likely to use drugs etc due to pier pressure. So all parents, be prowd of your kids, they maybe harder to raise now, but they will cause you less sleepless nights as teens.

 

[poohkinandpiglet]

I popped my children on the bottom a few times in the past in the heat of the moment but I don't really think it's an appropriate or effective form of discipline. I felt incredibly guilty and horrible after I did it. My kids respond much better to time-outs in their rooms, losing a favorite toy or having privileges taken away. Those things make a lasting impression and give
them time to think about what they've done.

I was spanked as a child and remember feeling VERY humiliated and angry. I don't want to make my children feel that way. Instead, I want them to learn to make smart choices about their behavior or actions and learn to respond appropriately when they're angry. How can I teach my son not to hit his sister if I spank him when he misbehaves?

 

[bumcat]

You know why I don't have to spank my kids? Besides the fact that they are 22,19 and 11. They tell me that I look like Satan when I get mad, even the dogs run for cover.
MY son came close to getting a spanking a couple of years ago. I took a belt and laid it across his doorway and told him it would stay there as a reminder that he better change his nasty attitude and quick. He would very cautiously step over that belt. That belt had so much power.
After 5 days he asked could I please remove the belt and I did. Never had a problem with him after that.
I don't judge those who do spank, it's not a crime if done correctly.

 

[Lil_Tink]

I believe in it in some situations..Just like some people spank there dog...Not so it hurts just so they get the point..if...the timeout doesnt work..


Maybe you could perhaps take away his favorite toy or something

 

[bajanswife]

IMO people that use these statements don't have kids or if they do, are responsible for the high number of kids in the youth detention centers.

This isn't really fair now, is it?

I actually used to think that way years ago, because I'd only ever seen one example of someone who didn't spank, and it wasn't pretty! However, the more I mull it over, the more I realize that she didn't do ANYTHING ... she was one of the most ineffectual parents I have ever seen! She was a real wimp - she'd tell her DS "no", but then wouldn't follow through if he didn't listen! So, she basically trained him from early that her voice was like the annoying buzz of a mosquito, and he just tuned her out! Funnily enough though, that boy is all grown up now, and very sweet, kind and a successful musician. So who can tell really?

In more recent years I have observed other non-spanking households, and while their kids were a little more difficult to deal with as toddlers because the parents wouldn't use a spank, by the time the kids reached about 4 they were very polite and well-behaved. So they got where they needed to in the end - it just took longer and it was more work for the parents, but they did it happily because they couldn't strike their kids, not even with an open hand on the bottom.

I just don't hink it is constructive to lump all non-spankers together. Every day I see kids behaving in ways which anger me to the point where I wish the parents would do SOMETHING! But it doesn't need to be a spank. It just needs to be whatever is necessary to get the message across, and to stop the child from hurting others and their property. A spank is not a magical tool that everyone should use - there are many lovely kids out there who have never been spanked. There are also many unlovely kids out there who were not disciplined effectively, and those parents could be occasional spankers or not spankers. The key is lack of DISCIPLINE, not lack of spanking.

 

[mickeyfan2]

My mother was a firm believer in spanking. She used everything but the belt.......twig from tree, paddle ball paddle, her hand, but her favorite was the wooden spoon.

Sounds like my mother. I do not condone this or consider it spanking. I call this abuse. If I was a kid now, I would have been removed by social services. I do think a tap on the diapered butt of a toddler does work. By four, it should end completely.

 

[Lil_Tink]

Dh & I just had this discussion. I was spanked as a child...not beaten just spanked. I vividly remember having a what I would call a "healthy" fear/respect of my father. I did not become an abuser because I was "hit" but I sure did listen to my parents more when I knew what the end result of my misbehaving might be.

My dd has an attitude that surpasses that of her 16 year old cousin. I swear her eyes are going to get stuck in the top of her head as much as she rolls them at me. Her friends moms tell me the same thing. I sometimes wonder if she was spanked in the manner I was as a child if she would behave better (I have read many many books with limited or short lasting results). We have spanked her a few times in the past few years.

I personally think that all this mumbo jumbo of today that kids need their self-esteem pumped up is garbage. All you have to do is look at kids today and see that all this "self-esteem" is creating a large group of self-centered hooligans.

I am happy for you that have children who respond to time outs or whatever else the so called "experts" have to say....unfortunately my child is not one of those. So anyone know if a good book I could use

How old is she...

Make her write a 5 page report (since its summer) on why she shouldnt do what she did,

 

[sunni]

How old is she...

Make her write a 5 page report (since its summer) on why she shouldnt do what she did,

Believe it or not, there are "experts" and parents that would say this is a bad punishment and parents shouldn't use it, that it causes the child to hate writing and it will affect their schooling. I actually read this not long ago, though I don't necessarily buy it.

I remember my father making us write a sentence over & over. If we talked back, the number kept going up. He has them still, some are 1200 or 1500 sentences. I have quite a callous even 20+ years later!

 

[sunni]

Wow, thank you, I am so happy to know that other children have behaved this way! I think sometimes people don't realize what it is like to have a child with this type of personality.

What it is like, in one word: EXHAUSTING!

The pediatrician calls them "spirited" children (after the book Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka). It is a good book and yes, they are spirited, but they are also strong-willed, stubborn & incorrigible!

This is my son almost 24/7: or . We call him Tigger sometimes!

 

[shortbun]

I have a question for parents who use spanking as a regular form of discipline and i ask because I'm interested not as a challenge. If spanking is all that works for your children, as many of you have stated, what is your plan when there is a real major behavior problem? I always have thought I'd save a spanking for something really big because I can't imagine what else would be more impactfull. Luckily, we have always been able to get behavior changes with other means but WHAT exactly would you do if your child intentionally hurt another badly or set a fire or stole something? Do you still deliver the same spanking or is spanking the 1st line of discipline and then you move on to something else like...I don't know what? Again, I'm not being sarcastic or snide, I'm really curious AND I hope none of you have had to deal with these things but do you have a plan?

 

[Holly]

Yes, I believe spanking to be wrong. It is an ineffective and harsh form of discipline.
I don't believe in "hurting" my children to make them obey.

 

[katerkat]

I have a question for parents who use spanking as a regular form of discipline and i ask because I'm interested not as a challenge. If spanking is all that works for your children, as many of you have stated, what is your plan when there is a real major behavior problem? I always have thought I'd save a spanking for something really big because I can't imagine what else would be more impactfull. Luckily, we have always been able to get behavior changes with other means but WHAT exactly would you do if your child intentionally hurt another badly or set a fire or stole something? Do you still deliver the same spanking or is spanking the 1st line of discipline and then you move on to something else like...I don't know what? Again, I'm not being sarcastic or snide, I'm really curious AND I hope none of you have had to deal with these things but do you have a plan?

I think most parents have said spanking isn't their first resort - it's something they use when nothing else works. And, from what I know of my cats and my childhood, different punishments work for different things. If I was reading instead of doing my chores, Mom didn't send me to the corner or spank me - she took away my books. When I talked back, I was sent to the corner. If I wouldn't share a toy with my sisters, the toy was taken away. When I took a piece of candy from a store, she made me go to the store, apologize to the manager, and pay for it - and then I wasn't alowed to eat it. The last time I remember getting spanked, I had said something completely inappropriate and I totally deserved a smack for it. (Obviously the time outs weren't doing their job for that!)

Same with my cat. We tried everything to make the white cat stop scratching the sofa - tin foil on the sides, telling him NO, grabbing his paws, etc. Finally, the only thing that worked was the water gun - he was squirted twice on the bum and stopped. Last week, I caught him outside (he had busted out a window) and all I had to say was, "What do you think you're doing out here?" in the Mommy tone and he went right back inside. No need for the water gun because talking actually worked this time. (And, like I said, I have two cats - one never needed more than a NO to learn to not scratch the couch.)

I don't know - to me, a simple swat on the bum (I will NOT be a belt hitter) was more of a shock and attention-getting punishment than a harsh one, so if my son was setting fires, a "spanking" by my definition wouldn't be a severe enough punishment for that. (It's more for, in my mind, a 3-year old who has been told over and over not to let go of Mommy's hand and run in the street, but does it anyway.) Maybe I'd take him to the local jail to show him what happens to people who commit crimes - that's a pretty severe shock and attention-getting punishment! (Not saying this is what I'd really do....but maybe!)

 

[ktink]

I have a question for parents who use spanking as a regular form of discipline and i ask because I'm interested not as a challenge. If spanking is all that works for your children, as many of you have stated, what is your plan when there is a real major behavior problem? I always have thought I'd save a spanking for something really big because I can't imagine what else would be more impactfull. Luckily, we have always been able to get behavior changes with other means but WHAT exactly would you do if your child intentionally hurt another badly or set a fire or stole something? Do you still deliver the same spanking or is spanking the 1st line of discipline and then you move on to something else like...I don't know what? Again, I'm not being sarcastic or snide, I'm really curious AND I hope none of you have had to deal with these things but do you have a plan?

I don't use spanking as a 1st resort, when , if at all, I spank it is a LAST resort. So when it is used it is effective. And for children who act out in hurting others or setting fires, I would say they need professional help and that spanking wouldn't be effective at all in those cases. And as far as stealing goes I would do the same that Katerkat suggested. When you think of discipline all forms can be humiliating and the only thing I want my children to learn from whatever method I use is to respect others and themselves.

 

[WebmasterAlex]

I have a question for parents who use spanking as a regular form of discipline and i ask because I'm interested not as a challenge. If spanking is all that works for your children, as many of you have stated, what is your plan when there is a real major behavior problem? I always have thought I'd save a spanking for something really big because I can't imagine what else would be more impactfull. Luckily, we have always been able to get behavior changes with other means but WHAT exactly would you do if your child intentionally hurt another badly or set a fire or stole something? Do you still deliver the same spanking or is spanking the 1st line of discipline and then you move on to something else like...I don't know what? Again, I'm not being sarcastic or snide, I'm really curious AND I hope none of you have had to deal with these things but do you have a plan?

Your question assumes that a spanking is the worst form of punishment that you can give to a child. I don't believe it is! Ask a 5 year old if they would rather have a spanking or be made to sit on their bed for a few hours and a lot of them would choose the spanking!
I just asked my 12 year old, Alison would you rather get spanked (and no we don't spank her anymore!) or grounded for a day and she said "spanked no question"

So much of this is dependent on a persons' history, upbringing etc etc. If you were abused or beaten as a child it is a VERY VERY big deal. It is almost inconceivable for a person who has been through that to understand that a quick swat on the butt is NOT really a big deal at all in some households.

I think it is very effective in some situations when used appropriately and done in an appropriate manner. Do a google search on spanking studies and you will find the results are absolutely inconclusive with as many studies saying it works as say it doesn't. I don't think anyone has the right to post statements like "it doesn't work" or "it's harmful" unless you have proof to back it up. It may be your opinion but I don't see where that is helpful to state your opinion as a fact

 

[kessieann]

How old is she...

Make her write a 5 page report (since its summer) on why she shouldnt do what she did,

She is 7 going on 20

 

[LoraJ]

Yes, I believe spanking to be wrong. It is an ineffective and harsh form of discipline.
I don't believe in "hurting" my children to make them obey.

When I was spanked as a child, I don't remember it hurting. I DID remember that I better not cross the street on my own again (at least until i was old enough).