Is it wrong to spank your child?

[Sandy22]

LOL, I came in late to the game...is the popcorn still around?

No popcorn needed... I think for once this is going to end with everyone being respectful towards one another! Each time I saw that WebmasterAlex posted I thought the thread was closed but I think we've all agreed to play nice.

 

[sunni]

I like Aidensmom's question and I had a similar child and have another question. What if the child actually prefers the spanking over time-out?

DS used to never obey when sent to time-out. His sister would go and "do her time", he would shout no and run off. I'd chase him down, catch him, put him there. He'd leave. We'd do this several times, I'd try to hold him there, we'd take away toys as additional punishment, etc. When he was a little older and stronger I'd have to practically drag him there and I was physically worn out from the little bugger... he'd grab walls, furniture, whatever he could. I would literally end up exhausted, sometimes even bruised, from his struggling and kicking. Then I'd try just putting him in his room, but he'd keep opening the door, so I'd have to hold it shut (if and when I ever got him in there)... another physical battle. He'd lay on the floor or bed and repeatedly kick the walls or door... pictures would fall of the hallway wall. He'd be told, "Do your time-out respectfully or you are getting a spanking." His answer, "I don't care!" What it eventually boiled down to was he HATED time-outs with a passion. He is a very active child, and though he physically CAN stay in time-out, he doesn't want to. When given a choice before hand, "Which would you rather have, time-out or a spanking?" he would choose the spanking (shocked us, too!)... he knew it wouldn't last long, he knew what to expect, and he knew that though it wouldn't be pleasant he wasn't going to be beaten. He knew we love him and he knew he could trust us to administer a spanking that was fair. Of course, DS is 11 now and we no longer use spankings.

ETA: our time-outs were also 1min/year, not extreme. And yet DS wouldn't tolerate it.

 

[julia & nicks mom]

No popcorn needed... I think for once this is going to end with everyone being respectful towards one another! Each time I saw that WebmasterAlex posted I thought the thread was closed but I think we've all agreed to play nice.

I thought he was closing it too!!!

see - we can all agree on a lot of things!!!

but the morning crowd hasn't rolled out of bed yet!!!!

for those of us who have agreed to disagree - here's plenty to go around

 

[sunni]

Anybody have some Milk Duds or Dots to go with the popcorn?

OMG, I just looked at the clock! I guess I'll be off to bed... see y'all in the (late) morning!

 

[Aidensmom]

My DS only tried to bite a few times as a toddler so I've never really had to deal with a biting problem. When he did it as a toddler I just pretended to cry and got out the band-aids and made a big deal about how he had given me a boo-boo. He seemed to link fairly quickly that he was causing pain by biting and that he didn't want cause hurt like he felt when he experienced his own falls and scrapes.

My time-out spot is on our bottom stair and if he didn't stay put, I would physically hold him there. My time-outs lasted only a minute per age (so 4 minutes for a 4 year old) On the few occasions he kept thrashing around and getting more and more upset, I put him in his room and held the door closed until he calmed down.

I have even done all that! Our time out spot is at the end of the hallway. It is when we have physically held him there that our problems have occurred - biting, kicking, pinching, etc. Tried the putting him in his room, he will start throwing things around. He is stubborn and has a bad temper. If you tell him that something he did hurt you, at the time he doesn't care, though later after everything has calmed down he does. Personally, I just can't find anything else at that point besides spanking. I am not trying to be argumentative, if you have other suggestions I am open to them, I don't want to have to spank unless there is nothing else that will work.

 

[Sandy22]

 

[Aidensmom]

I like Aidensmom's question and I had a similar child and have another question. What if the child actually prefers the spanking over time-out?

DS used to never obey when sent to time-out. His sister would go and "do her time", he would shout no and run off. I'd chase him down, catch him, put him there. He'd leave. We'd do this several times, I'd try to hold him there, we'd take away toys as additional punishment, etc. When he was a little older and stronger I'd have to practically drag him there and I was physically worn out from the little bugger... he'd grab walls, furniture, whatever he could. I would literally end up exhausted, sometimes even bruised, from his struggling and kicking. Then I'd try just putting him in his room, but he'd keep opening the door, so I'd have to hold it shut (if and when I ever got him in there)... another physical battle. He'd lay on the floor or bed and repeatedly kick the walls or door... pictures would fall of the hallway wall. He'd be told, "Do your time-out respectfully or you are getting a spanking." His answer, "I don't care!" What it eventually boiled down to was he HATED time-outs with a passion. He is a very active child, and though he physically CAN stay in time-out, he doesn't want to. When given a choice before hand, "Which would you rather have, time-out or a spanking?" he would choose the spanking (shocked us, too!)... he knew it wouldn't last long, he knew what to expect, and he knew that though it wouldn't be pleasant he wasn't going to be beaten. He knew we love him and he knew he could trust us to administer a spanking that was fair. Of course, DS is 11 now and we no longer use spankings.

ETA: our time-outs were also 1min/year, not extreme. And yet DS wouldn't tolerate it.

Wow, thank you, I am so happy to know that other children have behaved this way! I think sometimes people don't realize what it is like to have a child with this type of personality.

 

[cstraub]

Here's a little more...

Sheesh...one thing I can say is that it's lonely in the no-spanking corner. Where are the 9 other people that voted no? At least you guys are supportive of one another

Make that 8....I'm here

 

[WebmasterAlex]

Geez does everyone think all I ever do is close threads????

I have such a bad reputation

Very glad to see everyone being cool.....

 

[poohandwendy]

Sheesh...one thing I can say is that it's lonely in the no-spanking corner. Where are the 9 other people that voted no? At least you guys are supportive of one another

Just a little bit of constructive criticism, if you are open to it. When you start posting things like this, most people are not going to be very supportive.

I don't believe in spanking at all. It is absolutely unnecessary. IMO parents that are using spanking as a method of discipline need to brush up on their parenting skills and/or devote more time to their children.

Let me change that exact same quote to another form of discipline...perhaps a method you have used and you might see why others see it as very harsh and judgemental.

I don't believe in time out. It is absolutely unnecessary. IMO parents that are using time out as a method of discipline need to brush up on their parenting skills and/or devote more time to their children.

That is what makes people bristle. Most people are supportive of opposing opinions when they are stated with respect.

 

[shortbun]

Dh and I have worked really hard to find alternatives to spanking. Our efforts have paid off.

 

[poohandwendy]

Dh and I have worked really hard to find alternatives to spanking. Our efforts have paid off.

Good for you, I think it is important to find what works for you and your family. That is the end result we are all looking for.

 

[Sandy22]

 

[julia & nicks mom]

Geez does everyone think all I ever do is close threads????

I have such a bad reputation

Very glad to see everyone being cool.....

Poor Alex - here's a Mickey Bar!!

Wow, thank you, I am so happy to know that other children have behaved this way! I think sometimes people don't realize what it is like to have a child with this type of personality.

this sounds like Julia when she decides she does not want to do something

last week she had her first true public meltdown - she kicked and screamed ALL the way to the car - HELP ME - HELP ME - it took me 5 minutes to be able to hold her down and get her car seat buckled - while she screamed "HELP ME" the whole time - what set her off you ask - I put her in the cart after I had to have a code Adam for her in babies r us b/c she ran away from me and I lost her

I tell you what - I pity anyone who would ever try to kidnap her!!!!!!

 

[WebmasterAlex]

Great, I'm doing the no carb thing and she's feeding me Mickey bars!

 

[poohandwendy]

I don't think interchanging time-out and spanking resonates with me in your scenario because of my belief that spanking/hitting children (or adults for that matter) is a violation of basic human rights.

You see, that is your opinion...not a fact. In the same way that others could see 'time out' as a detrimental violation of basic human rights. That may sound ridiculous to you. In the same way that it sounds ridiculous to me to say that about spanking. I was merely trying to point out why others get their hackles up, because they feel just as strongly that they are justiied in their beliefs. You seemed to be wondering why...

 

[Sandy22]

 

[poohandwendy]

Humanity as a whole is becoming more and more enlightened with respect to freedom and human rights. [snip] In another part of the world, I could be having this same argument with a man who believes it's within his rights to beat and punish his wife. It would be legally and culturally acceptable for him to do. And I would argue it's against that person's human rights from assault and physical pain. Basic human rights must overide culture, tradition, religion, and parental will. It's only a matter of time before we recognize that children are entitled to the same protection of rights.

Very true, things are changing all of the time. But that does not mean you are right or that I am.

You could also have the same argument with a member of NAMBLA, the North American Man/Boy Love Alliance. They too believe that basic human rights are being squashed by our current laws. They see that in laws that forbid adult men from forming sexual relationships with minor boys. They also believe it is only a matter of time before ''children are entitled to the same protection of rights'' as adults. The believe it is a fact that children are capable of making decisions of who they love and have physical relationships with. They believe they are progressive thinkers.

Just pointing out that we all have a different idea of what is right or wrong and that 'progress' is relative. When it comes to parenting, I prefer to make those decisions for myself and my family.

 

[preshi]

Been there, done that, didn't work, moved on to ways that work.

 

[N.Bailey]

I think if you are doing it because you are angry/frustrated/at wits end and you hit your child out of your own frutration that's wrong

I think if you are in control and you are doing it because the child is out of control and you believe that this is the right way to handle it then it is ok

Like many things in life sometimes the "why" does matter

I agree 100% with you. One time my children and I had been shopping and we'd just left a toy store. My kids were about 10 & 11 at the time, so we weren't really shopping for them. The store was going out of business and I wanted to pick up some spare gifts for kid's bday presents (not my kids). Anyway, when we got out of the store, I forget exactly what happened, but my 10 year old daughter looked me straight in the eye (we were in the car) and she screamed, SHUT UP! to me. I was beyond PO'd, lemmie tell ya! Right on the spot, I just slapped her across the face. I just couldn't believe that she talked to me in that tone and I didn't react very favorably at all. This was the one regret I've ever had, but honestly, I might do it again if she said that to me again.

Other than though, I spank only when my kids push my authority. Mine aren't toddlers anymore so I don't have to spank because time outs didn't work. When I tell them to do something and they deliberately don't do what I said, or if they do the opposite, I don't hesitate to smack their hind ends. As a parent, I set the rules in my house (now I am always open to discussion if they want to talk rationally), and letting them know we were going to enforce those rules made our jobs easier in the end and it's a very RARE occasion when we need to punish our kids at all. Matter of fact, I don't think I've smacked either of my kids in years. The smack across the face that my daughter got was probably the last and that's almost been 4 years for her. My son? It's been longer than that for him.

Sandy, I also wanted to say that we're all entitled to our opinions and as parents, we're all free to set the guidelines up in our own households, so long as we're not beating our kids (and yes, there is a difference). I feel you're out of line to accuse people of needing parenting skills simply because they don't believe as you do.

I also think you're wrong when you say kids who commit crimes mostly come from abuses families. Take a look at Scott Peterson, then look at the boys from Columbine who headed into their school and killed their classmates, teachers, etc... Then look at Mark Hacking, O.J. Simpson, possibly Van Der Sloot in Aruba. I could go on and on, but my guess in the Peterson, Van Der Sloot households, the parents had your opinion when it came to punishment too. That's not to say that your children will become murderers at all, buy your theory doesn't really hold water and it just goes to prove, there is NO manual for raising a child.