Is it ok for spouse to go to lunch with co-worker of opposite sex?(Inspired by RIDISN

[EsmeraldaX]

I can't even imagine minding if my BF was going out to lunch with female friends or co-workers.

We have lunch together every day. We work in the same place along with my best friend. She eats lunch with us too. If I have the day off or am out sick, the two of them dine together without me. If he wanted to go to lunch with any one of his female co-workers that I do not know, I would assume they were just friends until I was given a reason to doubt him, and I'd need a very solid reason.

 

[SC Minnie]

If its a business lunch I don't have a problem. Like I said earlier I have to have lunch with men occasionally but its not always the same one and they don't work in this office. Occasionally I have to go out with our department-- until a few months ago it was me and 2 men. Believe me there would NEVER be anything going on there!!! If I had a male friend at work that I went to lunch with several times a week I don't think DH would like it but for business he doesn't have a problem-- its a part of my job.

If its an everyday 'friend' lunch with him and a female co-worker. I wouldn't like it one bit.

 

[CEDmom]

I honestly don't give it a second thought, we trust eachother. My DH actually shares an office with a female co-worker. I have several male friends at work. I look at it this way, if my DH wanted to have an affair he's going to find a way to do it no matter what. I actually think relationships benefit from each party getting input from friends of the opposite sex. My DH has learned that I'm perfectly normal based on the reaction of co-workers to certain situations.

 

[jkovick]

Originally posted by snoopy
I would not be comfortable with my husband going out to lunch on a regular basis with a member of the opposite sex. It has nothing to do with not trusting him, I simply find it inappropriate.

ITA!!

 

[GEM]

I dont' see anything wrong with it at all. I work in a department with all men. If I didn't go to lunch with them sometimes, I'd never get to go! And, no, these aren't businss lunches. It's just more like, "Hey, I was thinking about Mexican food for lunch. Want to come?" DH doesn't care. Why would he? I mean, we're at a crowded chinese buffet or whatever - not a hotel room. He goes to to several conferences a year with co-workers, mostly women. I suppose while he is there he goes out to eat with them. It never occured to me to care. I can't see what it has to do with our marriage vows. I promised to love him, be faithful, etc. I didn't promise that I would never visit TGI Fridays with another man.

 

[sue1013]

My coworkers are men also majority of my clients are men. Of course I go to lunch with them, they are my friends. DH works with women as well as men and has female friends. I am not threatened in the least as DH is not. To the women that are so troubled by your DH going to lunch with female co-workers what are you afraid of? If you have such doubts there must be other problems in your marriage. Things can and do happen between co-workers but not if one is not looking for it. I've always wondered why when a married man has an affair with a single woman the woman is called the home wrecker. While it is not a commendable thing to carry on with a married man, its just as much the man's fault if not more. He's the one with the supposed commitment. What is he a helpless drone with no brain??

 

[Strawberry Lemonade]

My Dh had always been the type to have more girl friends than guy friends. And yes, he will go out to lunch with a few of the girls from work every now and then.

I trust him completely, I have met the girls, and don't see the harm. Besides, they are HIS friends. There are only a few select circumstances when I would suggest to him that his friends may not be the best people to keep as friends, and the simple fact that they are female is not one of those times. There is absolutely nothing inappropriate about friends eating lunch with friends. IMO, it IS about trust. If you can't trust your DH or DW to be faithful, then lunch with a few friends should be the least of your worries.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

For those who think that men and women being just friends ; I'm just curious as to what has lead you to belive that it is innapropriate?

I'm not trying to debate, I'm just very curious as to what lead you to that belief.

I was lead to my belief that men and women can make fine platonic friends because I was always better friends with men than with women. I was very tomboyish growing up, never had many close female friends. I am pretty much the same way now. I just don't have much in common with most of the women I know. Hence, I seek close friendships in men, who more often than not like the same things I do.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by CEDmom
I honestly don't give it a second thought, we trust eachother. My DH actually shares an office with a female co-worker. I have several male friends at work. I look at it this way, if my DH wanted to have an affair he's going to find a way to do it no matter what. I actually think relationships benefit from each party getting input from friends of the opposite sex. My DH has learned that I'm perfectly normal based on the reaction of co-workers to certain situations.

This is so true. I like that my BF has female friends, because honestly, I think he gets input from them and it has overall made him more aware of the different needs of women in relationships, as he has seen his female friends go through some issues we have gone through, and kind of understands, better than some of the guys I know with no female friends, that women react differently sometimes.

 

[meandtheguys2]

EsmeraldaX, per your question,

I guess I think it can be inapropriate because it is easy to get involved with people you spend an abundance of time with. I don't know how many people I have dealt with who said, "We just started out as friends." I have never known anyone who set out to have an affair. But yet I know plenty of friends and family who have! Or whose family was destroyed by an affair.

It is easy for a 21 year old student worker to always look good and always be nice. I on the other hand get irritated with him on occasion and by the end of a long day and thrilled when I think to refresh myself!

I trust my DH with my life, our family and my heart. I do not think he (or I) am perfect, however.

 

[snoopy]

Originally posted by sue1013
To the women that are so troubled by your DH going to lunch with female co-workers what are you afraid of? If you have such doubts there must be other problems in your marriage. Things can and do happen between co-workers but not if one is not looking for it.

Ummmm, did it occur to you that this might be a wee bit condescending to the people who responded that our husbands having a regular lunch date alone with a female coworker was something we weren't comfortable with?

I can tell you for sure that my marriage of 18 years is a strong one. Yes, we have problems, but probably less problems than most of the couples we know.

Again, let me say this for the 4th or 5th time -- DH and I personally would NOT be comfortable with either one having a regular lunch date with a member of the opposite sex. I am not talking the ocassional lunch, or with a mutual friend of the opposite sex, I'm talking about a coworker that I don't know or have any relationship with myself. I don't want my husband sharing more time with any other woman than he does me. And I am sure he feels the same way. I'm sorry you have somehow construed that to mean we have problems in our marriage, but that is simply not the case. Its merely an agreement that we both have made and feel comfortable with.

 

[GEM]

Originally posted by snoopy
I don't want my husband sharing more time with any other woman than he does me. And I am sure he feels the same way.

Snoopy, I'm not trying to be rude or anything. I promise. I'm just wondering how, if we're just talking about lunch, he could possibly spend more time with another woman than with you. Even if he went to lunch with her every single workday, that would only be 5 hours a week or so. You guys are together lots more than that, right?


I guess I can understand how it might make someone uncomfortable if their spouse went to luch every day with the same co-worker of the opposite sex - just the two of them.

In my case, I probably eat luch out with my work friends two or three times a week - and when I do they are always male, since that's all we have in my department. Sometimes it's just two of us. Sometimes it's three or four. It just depends on what's going on that day. I know for certain that it never occured to my DH to be worried about it.

 

[Aimeedyan]

I don't have a problem with it at all... he even went and saw some horror flick with an old coworker (female) friend of his awhile back because I didn't want to see it and she did. I had no doubts...

I have never been a jealous person at all, and he's never given me reason to wonder... I must admit that I know who he works with, and they aren't his type Now if someone started working there that WAS his type, I might feel different, but right now they are middle aged women with children, mostly, and he's not interested =)

 

[Margie J]

I think it depends on the people and situation.

I happen to have many male friends and co-workers. Any SO of mine has to trust that nothing will happen beyond friendship if I go to lunch or a business trip with one of the guys. I give that same trust in return unless I have information to lead me to believe otherwise.

Where I work several relationships have been sparked, thankfully only among the singles as far as I know. However, there is one woman here that clearly came with a mission, to find a "boyfriend". To her lunches and coffee breaks alone with a guy became much more than that in her mind. To the guy it may have been just another cup of coffee while to her it meant maybe I'm in love. She honestly told the story of getting a fluttery feeling after a coffee "date" with a co-worker and thought it might be love until friends told her it was just the caffeine and to get over it. Those are the people I don't trust.

A lot depends on what your workplace tolerates too. For some it's normal and accepted for co-workers to have lunch or trips together. Work is work. If you have a place filled with "gossips" like we do then your behavior needs to be watched because others are watching and speculating. Not fair but it happens.

 

[snoopy]

Originally posted by GEM
Snoopy, I'm not trying to be rude or anything. I promise. I'm just wondering how, if we're just talking about lunch, he could possibly spend more time with another woman than with you. Even if he went to lunch with her every single workday, that would only be 5 hours a week or so. You guys are together lots more than that, right?

We don't have a standing lunch date, no. And I wouldn't feel comfortable with him having one with someone else.

Does that make it any more clear? I'm not sure what else I can say.........

 

[sk!mom]

I have no problem with my DH having the occasional lunch with any of the variety of people that he has lunched with in the past. He sometimes travels with people from work including women. I trust him.

However, the issue raised in the other post was a husband having lunch with the same woman all the time. I would have a problem with that. I would feel that an attachment was developing. My DH has worked out at lunch for years, though, so if he suddenly started eating out everyday with one person it would be a red flag.

My DH wouldn't like for me to do it either. In fact, a few years ago he wondered if something was going on when two of his married co-workers started having lunch together everyday. They seemed happily married, but he thought it was odd that two people who appeared to have very little in common had lunch together everyday.

 

[snoopy]

Originally posted by sk!mom
I have no problem with my DH havingthe occasional lunch with any of the variety of people that he has lunched with in the past. He sometimes travels with people from work including women. I trust him.

However, the issue raised in the other post was a husband having lunch with the same woman all the time. I would have a problem with that. I would feel that an attachment was developing. My DH has worked out at lunch for years, though, so if he suddenly started eating out everyday with one person it would be a red flag.

Thanks. That about sums it up for me too, you are just more eloquent than I am.

 

[dizagain]

O.k. I guess I might worry if DH ate lunch with the same woman every day, although he'd have to be telling me about it for me to know, right? In my situation, DH's lunches vary widely. My main gripe is that he's eating these awesome restaurant meals and then he wants to eat at home at night!!! I teach until 1 p.m. and occasionally if they're in my neck of the woods, DH and whomever he's with will call me to join them...not very often though.

 

[missypie]

Watch where you eat with a member of the opposite sex.

Funny story (funny now - mortifying then): Title companies court our business and about 10 years ago the marketing director of a local title co. asked me to lunch. I said sure; didn't think anything of it. So here's this 35 year old woman, out to lunch with a chubby bald 50 year old guy.

He took me to a very nice nearby restaurant, which is located inside a nice hotel. When we drove up to the entrance, the hotel employee asked "Checking in?" There we were - no luggage - the two of us - and the hotel employee thought we were having a nooner. ICK!!!!! So never take someone of the opposite sex to a restaurant in a hotel!

 

[sue1013]

Snoopy sorry but that is my opinion. If someone doesn't want something to happen its not going to. I've been married for 30 years and yes all marriage can have problems at times. Believe me I'm not perfect and neither is DH but I cannot imagine him telling me I can't have lunch with someone anymore than I would tell him he couldn't. DH is a good man, if he were to have an affair I'd have to realize there was something wrong with our relationship.