Is it ok for spouse to go to lunch with co-worker of opposite sex?(Inspired by RIDISN

[Dan Murphy]

I'm just here lookin' for a lunch buddy.

 

[mickeyboat]

Dan, I'll go, but don't tell my DH.
LOL!



Denae

 

[Saffron]

Wow! I wouldn't judge anybody's relationship or boundries, no matter what they are. Each couple has their own set of boundries that they work in to maintain their own relationship. Just because their boundries may be different than mine, that doesn't make me think that their relationship is in trouble or that they don't trust each other.

Again, I wouldn't have a problem with him having lunch with co-workers. On going lunch dates? Everyday? Same woman? Alone? Hmm. It would depend upon the circumstances and the woman I guess, I don't know for sure.

 

[Saffron]

Dan! ROTFLOL! I think Will would think that's okay?

You payin?

 

[caitycaity]

i wouldn't have a problem with it. one of my best friends at work used to be a guy (he left the company). we used to eat our lunch together every day that we weren't busy. just because you are friends with someone of the opposite sex doesn't mean there is anything going on.

 

[mickeyboat]

I agree with previous posters who said it depends on the people and the situation. I am a jealous person by nature, especially when I was a little younger. I have nightmares every once in a while that an old girlfriend of DH's returns to take him away. (Maybe that is because that is what I did to her). I trust DH implicitly and feel totally secure in our relationship.

But DH is a carpenter and works almost exclusively with men. I have never had call to be concerned about him having lunch with female co-workers. But I wonder what I would actually do or think if the situation presented itself. I don't have a problem with it in theory, but I may very well have a problem with it in the right situation.

Hope I never have to find out.

Denae

 

[disney4us2002]

missypie,

I don't claim to speak for all of the women here, but for me personally, the problem comes not from an occasional lunch with a coworker or in a group of coworkers, but with one coworker that has a regular lunch 'date' with my spouse. This is a hypothetical, btw, my dh works in an office where there is a rather large group that goes out for pizza on Fridays and that's about it. He does travel for his job and sometimes it is with female workers and sometimes male. I trust that dh has never cheated on me but I have not always been comfortable with some of his friendships. There was a woman in particular several years ago that he carpooled with that was having some marital issues and I thought she was confiding 'too personal' info to him. He thought nothing much of it given that he shared his discussions with me without any prompting on my part. My concern was (and would be today if the same situation arose) that it wouldn't be that difficult to go from friendship to commiseration over the other's marital woes to one or the other crossing the line. I think the closer the friendship develops, the more the line between right and wrong blurs. There is physical infidelity which seems pretty black and white and then there is emotional infidelity which is much harder to explain so I'm guessing it's harder to realize you may have entered into the beginning of such a relationship.

When my dh's carpool friend called the afternoon of dh's vasectomy to see how he was feeling was the day I decided she had crossed the line and told her as much on the phone. She apologized and after that there seemed to be less interest shown his way. She also changed jobs right around that time so the carpooling ended. Now they probably talk once every 2 or 3 months and it's mostly to catch up on all the kids. She and her hubby worked whatever out and ended up having another baby. Perhaps I was just a bit overanxious but I'm still glad I told her how I felt.

 

[tandrjohn]

If it's a business lunch then why not? If it's not a business lunch then why? I trust my DW 100% and my DW trusts me 100% but I'm still not comfortable with the situation - call me strange I guess.

 

[missypie]

Wow! During the last 6 months, two different men, in the course of negotiating business deals, have told me that they were going to be out of the office to go get "fixed." I sure am glad I didn't call to ask how it went!

One of my best friends is a guy here at work. We've worked together for 12 years. Our families are very similar; we have a lot in common. I think I'm the only one who knows that his wife had a face lift.

I treasure my long time law partners, both male and female. We work long and hard together over a period of decades and it is a good thing for us to be close. Our financial futures depend upon each other. We start out as singles, then get married, have kids, raise them, send them off to college, deal with our parents' deaths or decline, deal with spouse's deaths, divorces, long illnesses. So many of us are closely bonded by a lifetime of shared experiences and mutual support.

It upsets me that there are wives out there who are bothered by the bonding of co-workers. Maybe we haven't come so far in the last 30 years!

 

[megrod74]

My DH works in retail so he is surrounded by women. It's never occurred to me to be bothered by him having lunch with them or going out after work for drinks. However, it's always a group thing. So I guess if it was just 2 of them a lot, then it would send up a red flag.

My mom once worked with a man whose wife wouldn't allow him to do any social outings with the people from his work without her because they were mostly women. And she never went with him. Therefore, he never went to any social occasions with his co-workers because she didn't approve. I think that's strange and it stifles his chance to be friendly with the people he spends 40 hours a week with.

 

[Bob Slydell]

My DW's in a very male dominated profession -- so naturally, most of her lunches out during work hours are mostly with men. Doesn't bother me -- they all have to eat, right?

 

[onecoolmama]

I meet my DH for lunch at least twice a month. Once with the kids and once with out. he goes out with mostly guys and one of the guys is discusting. So, I would prefer he eat with a female than that scumbag. But, I cant choose his friends for him.

It doesnt bother me at all. If it was daily and the same girl and just the two of them, it might annoy me. But a group of them, I dont care.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by onecoolmama
I meet my DH for lunch at least twice a month. Once with the kids and once with out. he goes out with mostly guys and one of the guys is discusting. So, I would prefer he eat with a female than that scumbag. But, I cant choose his friends for him.

It doesnt bother me at all. If it was daily and the same girl and just the two of them, it might annoy me. But a group of them, I dont care.

I know what you mean. My BF has a few male friends that I can not stand...but all of his female friends are pretty cool. I don't even really mind the ex girlfriends, I'd rather he be dining with them than with one of the nasty guys he knows.

 

[Maleficent13]

Originally posted by missypie
It upsets me that there are wives out there who are bothered by the bonding of co-workers. Maybe we haven't come so far in the last 30 years!

I have been reading this thread and debating whether or not to respond. I finally decided I would, only because I agree with some of the posters that some of these comments have become condescending.

I do understand the worry about spouses having lunches with coworkers of the opposite sex. Because I can categorically say: that thing that everyone's afraid of? It does happen. It has happened. And just within the last 2 years, not even the last 30. For whatever reason, that stuff does happen, and to people you would never think it would happen to. Believe me.

 

[katerkat]

I don't mind, because most of his lunches are eaten in the air, and there's too many people on the plane for any hanky-panky. Most of the booms on his plane are female.

He's never had a problem with me, either - I used to eat lunch with my editor in Mississippi all the time. I guess it just never occurred to us that it would be a problem.

 

[CEDmom]

Originally posted by Maleficent13
I have been reading this thread and debating whether or not to respond. I finally decided I would, only because I agree with some of the posters that some of these comments have become condescending.

I do understand the worry about spouses having lunches with coworkers of the opposite sex. Because I can categorically say: that thing that everyone's afraid of? It does happen. It has happened. And just within the last 2 years, not even the last 30. For whatever reason, that stuff does happen, and to people you would never think it would happen to. Believe me.

I agree with you that people shouldn't be put down for their beliefs and as long as both parties in a relationship are comfortable with the arrangements they have that's all that matters. I also understand what you're saying but if someone is going to stray it's going to happen no matter what.

 

[meandtheguys2]

Originally posted by CEDmom
I agree with you that people shouldn't be put down for their beliefs and as long as both parties in a relationship are comfortable with the arrangements they have that's all that matters. I also understand what you're saying but if someone is going to stray it's going to happen no matter what.

I don't necesssarily agree with this. It is not like only "bad people" stray. I think that people need to keep themselves out of potentially dangerous situations. Whether that is getting too close to a married co-worker, or not driving through the wrong parts of town at night. Both can cause serious problems. Both can have devestating affects on a life.

I said it once already, I never met anyone who set out to have an affair. I believe they occur due to circumstances both at home, and in the "rest of the world." People always just get causght up with the other person who is fulfilling some need, emotional or physical!

 

[tandrjohn]

Originally posted by meandtheguys2
I don't necesssarily agree with this. It is not like only "bad people" stray. I think that people need to keep themselves out of potentially dangerous situations. Whether that is getting too close to a married co-worker, or not driving through the wrong parts of town at night. Both can cause serious problems. Both can have devestating affects on a life.

I said it once already, I never met anyone who set out to have an affair. I believe they occur due to circumstances both at home, and in the "rest of the world." People always just get causght up with the other person who is fulfilling some need, emotional or physical!

Great point. Why put yourself in the situation?

 

[snoopy]

Originally posted by meandtheguys2
I don't necesssarily agree with this. It is not like only "bad people" stray. I think that people need to keep themselves out of potentially dangerous situations. Whether that is getting too close to a married co-worker, or not driving through the wrong parts of town at night. Both can cause serious problems. Both can have devestating affects on a life.

I said it once already, I never met anyone who set out to have an affair. I believe they occur due to circumstances both at home, and in the "rest of the world." People always just get causght up with the other person who is fulfilling some need, emotional or physical!

I also agree with this, and I also think an affair doesn't always have to mean a physical affair.

Take the example of the person on one of these threads who said that her husband became involved with a woman who was having all sorts of emotional issues. Her husband became wrapped up in these issues with his "friend", and pretty soon it became his priority to counsel this woman at all hours of the night.

Now that is all good and fine for some people I guess. It wouldn't be for me. I would feel that my husband's place is with me in our bed at all hours of the night, not counseling some other woman. I would consider that to be a betrayal of our commitment - putting the needs of someone else over my needs.

But AGAIN, that is just me. I don't make judgement on how anyone else lives their life, whatever floats your boat. I'm just talking about my experience and the way I feel. Thankfully, my husband feels the same way, so its not ever been a problem.

 

[disney4us2002]

I agree with meandtheguys completely. For the most part I believe anything is possible under the 'right' (obviously wrong) circumstances. Why put oneself in the situation at all?