Inviting one of daughter's friends but not the other

dusty

Earning My Ears
Joined
Aug 20, 1999
When my wife and I did a Med./WBTA without our kids/gkids, three of the gkids were not happy (it was during school and way to long for them to take off). However, we told them we would take them with us anyway, ala Flat Stanley (look it up if you don't know about him). Our son-in-law photoshopped the faces of all five of them onto images of their favorite princesses (and prince). When we were in Parc Gruell in Barcelona we pulled them out (about 7" tall) and took photos of them by the signature lizard...likewise on Punta Delgada, at the leaning tower of Pisa, etc.
Perhaps you folks could do the same with Kid B and mention that you might take her on a future (when she calms down a bit) cruise. In the meantime, take photos of Kid B with Kid A and your daughter on various adventures on the cruise and show them to her when you return, maybe even do a small scrapbook. Good luck!
I find this very different from the question posed, thus I don't think this is good idea. to compare the two, you would have taken some of the grandkids and left the other grandkids at home. I''m not sure how well or enjoyable it would be to look back on a scrapbook of "when Grampa and Gramma only too the grandkids they like"...
I also don't think in the original question you can take one without the other and not have the situation be hurtful.
 

Matt'sMom

DIS Veteran
Joined
Jan 24, 2005
How old are these kids? Could you invite the one on the cruise and plan a different trip with the other kid another time that would be agreeable to everyone?
This is how we always handled inviting of friends on trips. In most cases we could only afford to take one 'friend'... so we'd invite different friends on different trips.

Might it be possible to invite friend 'A' on the cruise and invite friend 'B' on a different trip or family outing? That way your daughter has a friend/companion on each trip, and both friends could be told they are invited along on 'a trip'... simply not on the same trip due to budgeting.
 

MickeyMouse3!

Earning My Ears
Joined
Oct 25, 2018
What does your daughter want to do? if
My teen daughter has two very close friends, and the three of them are kind of inseparable.

Kid A (Radiohead fans? 😀) has been friends with my daughter since birth. Kid A is relatively level-headed, well-mannered, knows how to act properly in public, and requires no more supervision than my own daughter would. That is to say, "not much".

Kid B is a nice kid, but she comes from a much different background. Family is a little "rough around the edges" (at least, in our opinion), and has a different perspective on what's allowable public behavior and what is not. Kid B is kind of manic and can be unpredictable. Tends to deviate from instructions. Yells/curses at the top of her lungs a lot at inappropriate times. We're not huge sticklers on cursing, but Kid B sometimes does so, loudly, in front of our younger kids. Never deliberately, never maliciously - she's just been raised by parents with different sensibilities. In short, while Kid B is a good friend to our daughter, we nonetheless find her to be a "handful" to deal with, especially in public.

We are very close with Kid A and want to invite her on our next cruise. We like Kid B, too, but we really don't want to invite her, because it will not be a relaxing trip for us if we are constantly needing to redirect her behavior.

That said, we don't want to hurt Kid B's feelings by being excluded. My daughter recognizes and agrees with our concerns, but worries about harming her relationship with Kid B. It would be impossible to take Kid A without Kid B finding out, and we don't want to ask anyone to lie.

The two obvious solutions are to either a.) take neither Kid A nor Kid B, and avoid the issue altogether; or b.) just bite the bullet and take both of them. But I'd like to come up with a third option where we take Kid A without making Kid B feel bad.

I know everyone's different, and will have different opinions on stuff like this, but I'm guessing some of you have faced similar situations. How would you address to let down Kid B as easily as possible?
What does your daughter want to do? If she recognizes and agrees with your concerns, it sounds like she may already know what she wants to do but can't bring herself to saying so. Curious tho, if all three are inseparable, does this mean that Kid A and Kid B hang out at times without your daughter? If not, then I would make plans with who you feel would be the best fit for your vacation. Cruise ship cabins are generally smaller than the typical hotel, so you could also use the "Not enough room" clause.
 
  • squirk

    Saw what you did and knows who you are.
    Joined
    Apr 9, 2011
    What does your daughter want to do? if

    What does your daughter want to do? If she recognizes and agrees with your concerns, it sounds like she may already know what she wants to do but can't bring herself to saying so. Curious tho, if all three are inseparable, does this mean that Kid A and Kid B hang out at times without your daughter? If not, then I would make plans with who you feel would be the best fit for your vacation. Cruise ship cabins are generally smaller than the typical hotel, so you could also use the "Not enough room" clause.
    My daughter doesn't even know about the cruise yet. But she knows Kid B is a PITA to manage. And she also recognizes how inviting just Kid A on something big like this would shift the trio's dynamic.

    I was just floating this up for discussion before deciding to even give my daughter the option of bringing a friend once she learns about the cruise. It seems clear that I should just make this a family trip to keep things copacetic, and re-evaluate bringing both Kids next year for our next cruise.
     

    dusty

    Earning My Ears
    Joined
    Aug 20, 1999
    My teen daughter has two very close friends, and the three of them are kind of inseparable.

    Kid A (Radiohead fans? 😀) has been friends with my daughter since birth. Kid A is relatively level-headed, well-mannered, knows how to act properly in public, and requires no more supervision than my own daughter would. That is to say, "not much".

    Kid B is a nice kid, but she comes from a much different background. Family is a little "rough around the edges" (at least, in our opinion), and has a different perspective on what's allowable public behavior and what is not. Kid B is kind of manic and can be unpredictable. Tends to deviate from instructions. Yells/curses at the top of her lungs a lot at inappropriate times. We're not huge sticklers on cursing, but Kid B sometimes does so, loudly, in front of our younger kids. Never deliberately, never maliciously - she's just been raised by parents with different sensibilities. In short, while Kid B is a good friend to our daughter, we nonetheless find her to be a "handful" to deal with, especially in public.

    We are very close with Kid A and want to invite her on our next cruise. We like Kid B, too, but we really don't want to invite her, because it will not be a relaxing trip for us if we are constantly needing to redirect her behavior.

    That said, we don't want to hurt Kid B's feelings by being excluded. My daughter recognizes and agrees with our concerns, but worries about harming her relationship with Kid B. It would be impossible to take Kid A without Kid B finding out, and we don't want to ask anyone to lie.

    The two obvious solutions are to either a.) take neither Kid A nor Kid B, and avoid the issue altogether; or b.) just bite the bullet and take both of them. But I'd like to come up with a third option where we take Kid A without making Kid B feel bad.

    I know everyone's different, and will have different opinions on stuff like this, but I'm guessing some of you have faced similar situations. How would you address to let down Kid B as easily as possible?
    your words... The two obvious solutions are to either a.) take neither Kid A nor Kid B, and avoid the issue altogether; or b.) just bite the bullet and take both of them. But I'd like to come up with a third option where we take Kid A without making Kid B feel bad. (end quote)
    I really don't see a third option with a positive outcome. The third choice, to paraphrase you, is to take kid A and Kid B will feel bad. I really don't see a spin on taking Kid A that won't make Kid B feel bad.
     

    squirk

    Saw what you did and knows who you are.
    Joined
    Apr 9, 2011
    I really don't see a third option with a positive outcome. The third choice, to paraphrase you, is to take kid A and Kid B will feel bad. I really don't see a spin on taking Kid A that won't make Kid B feel bad.
    Right - that was the point of this whole thread. I couldn't see a third option, and was throwing a "Hail Mary" in hopes someone else had an approach that I had not thought of.
     

    MickeyMouseCD524

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jan 26, 2010
    It seems clear that I should just make this a family trip to keep things copacetic, and re-evaluate bringing both Kids next year for our next cruise.
    You don't seem keen on taking Kid B at all so will you run into the same issue next year with the next cruise? If you ask me I would just take Kid A and leave Kid B. Having been Kid B before (not so much the ill behaved bit but more they only had room for one of us on the trip, also Kid A in our situation was closer with the host's kid, having been friends since first grade). I never thought less of my friend for not taking me. I always just looked it as they've been friends longer and there's only room for one. It's not because they don't like me or because I'm not important to them. The thing that would grind my gears was if they rubbed my nose in the fact they were going and I wasn't. My advice is to take Kid A and have a conversation with your daughter and Kid A of being respectful of the fact Kid B isn't going. Don't rub it in her face that they're going and she's not, and have your daughter promise kid B that you'll do something with her (like go to Six Flags or something) before or after you get back. So that way she doesn't feel like she's being cut out because your daughter and Kid A didn't want her there. Something like that or a day at the mall with them always helped.
     
  • Karlrob

    Earning My Ears
    Joined
    Jul 4, 2019
    I don't see a solution except to take both or neither. BUT, if any non-family member goes, please make sure you have notarized documents regarding medical issues and insurances. Because you are possible going out of the country on a cruise, check with Disney as to what is needed, besides a passport, that gives you these girls' parents' permission to have their daughters outside of the county. It is a huge medical and legal liability to deal with under age children that are not yours.
     

    Disney1fan2002

    <font color=red>Like OMG the TF is SOO psyched to
    Joined
    Jun 21, 2002
    I don't know the dynamics of your DD's trio, but if one or both of the girls are jealous of your DD making friend's outside their circle, I would not take either, and just let your DD enjoy the cruise with your family. Having a very social daughter that we have brought on 8 Disney Cruises since she was 5 years old, the highlight of each cruise was the potential of meeting kids from all over the world, and making friends. It was fine when she was little, she would make her friends, we would go home, and then she would make new friends on the next cruise. When she became a teenager, that was when she really loved going on the cruises. Any friends she made, and she made a ton, she kept in touch with via social media. Many of the kids are from England, and they have Disney cruising in common.

    Leave the friends at home, and let your DD enjoy a drama free vacation.
     

    AquaDame

    Disney Cruise Line
    Moderator
    Joined
    Jul 7, 2010
    It seems clear that I should just make this a family trip to keep things copacetic, and re-evaluate bringing both Kids next year for our next cruise.
    Honestly even next year I wouldn't risk it as it stands. Would it be possible to take all the kids on a smaller, less hectic trip where you can see how Kid B behaves in a more controlled environment with those rules you set out? It's worrisome when you say the kid can be a little manic and unpredictable... I'm not sure I would want to be out at sea with full responsibility over a child that wasn't my own with those issues. Surely you won't be watching them 24/7 and there are many ways they could make mischief or get hurt on a cruise ship or in a foreign port.
     

    squirk

    Saw what you did and knows who you are.
    Joined
    Apr 9, 2011
    Honestly even next year I wouldn't risk it as it stands. Would it be possible to take all the kids on a smaller, less hectic trip where you can see how Kid B behaves in a more controlled environment with those rules you set out? It's worrisome when you say the kid can be a little manic and unpredictable... I'm not sure I would want to be out at sea with full responsibility over a child that wasn't my own with those issues. Surely you won't be watching them 24/7 and there are many ways they could make mischief or get hurt on a cruise ship or in a foreign port.
    Right. That is why I don’t want to take her.

    Again, we include Kid B in a lot of stuff at home. We can “manage” her for an afternoon, evening or sleepover.

    As you said, we can test the waters over the next year by trying stuff slightly more extensive - a long weekend at the beach - to see if/how things have changed.
     
  • disneyland_is_magic

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Aug 16, 2016
    At first I was all ready to tell you to take only Kid A because you can’t be responsible for other people’s kids. Life is short, and you deserve the vacation, blah blah.
    And then I remember how my best friends Krista, Danielle and Jennifer starting going to one of their house to feed a new puppy during lunch in 4th grade. Her mother told her she could bring two friends, (and only two friends with her) the friends were meant for safety reasons of walking to and from the school, entering an empty house, etc. (Obviously in today’s age elementary kids can’t leave like that during lunch and I imagine the other parents didn’t know?! I have no idea.)
    I was excluded from these lunch sessions, as an adult, I understand it, in 4th grade when I discovered it, it was devastating and all the relationships were ruined permanently. Thirty years later I remember running across the playground sobbing. I wish I would have handled it differently but as a young girl I just don’t know if I could. I had considered all three my best friends for several years. I actually reached out to one a few years ago but never heard back.
    So yeah, just don’t.
     
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