Inviting one of daughter's friends but not the other

LNMom

Mouseketeer
Joined
Feb 23, 2018
You are going to blink and before you know it You will be taking your daughter to college. Don't take either friend. Teens spend plenty of time with friends. Family time is precious, especially during the teen years.
 
  • sharona

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Feb 7, 2008
    [
    You are going to blink and before you know it You will be taking your daughter to college. Don't take either friend. Teens spend plenty of time with friends. Family time is precious, especially during the teen years.
    This! We recently shared a summer rental with extended family. I let my DD16 bring 2 friends so she’d have some company. Barely saw them while we were there except occasional meals! We’re heading to WDW in Dec and I was going to invite her bff but after the summer trip, I’ve pretty much decided against it. It would be about her and bff at WDW instead of her and our family at WDW.
     

    o&smom

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jun 23, 2011
    Agree. We are taking a few of my 16 yr old DS’s friends with us to Mexico next summer. We are staying for two weeks. The friends will be staying the first week. Happy to share this experience with others, but I also want some time with just our family since the time when we are all together is too quickly coming to an end.
     

    AgentMama

    Mouseketeer
    Joined
    Apr 5, 2016
    Hello...hello...can anyone see the elephant in this particular forum???? I started to laugh at this as soon as I read it!! Option 3: Buy a ticket for your daughter and both of her friends... and you and your partner sit home and be thankful your daughter is more tolerant than you! This is so, so sad.
    I could be reading your response completely wrong, but it sounds like they are incredibly tolerant and accepting of a child who seems like she is probably on the spectrum, even with her less than privileged upbringing. And it sounds like this family includes her in as much as they feel comfortable for a child that is not theirs. It is incredibly difficult traveling (and even dealing with day to day life issues) with your own child who is on the spectrum, that they regularly include someone else's child who sounds challenging and difficult in public is commendable. And that they were willing to even think about taking her on a cruise at their own expense shouldn't be treated snidely.
     

    Travel60

    Mouseketeer
    Joined
    Feb 8, 2012
    I think 13 is too young. The only thing that got me through my daughter's birthday sleepovers at that age was knowing that the kids would be gone the next day!

    On a more serious note, perhaps you should be more proactive in dealing with B's rough edges rather than just being "used to it". Actions such as you have described will seriously hurt her chances of future success. I say this thinking of a friend's mom who was instrumental in smoothing some of my rough edges in high school. You can very nicely set expectations in your home and your company - use "we" statements: "We don't curse and would appreciate if you did not in our house.". "We enjoy sharing about our day at dinner, please join us until we are all finished." "We don't run in the house." Occasionally take the girls to dinner, to movies, to ballgames and explain expectations on the way. You will be doing the young lady a great favor.
     
  • squirk

    Saw what you did and knows who you are.
    Joined
    Apr 9, 2011
    On a more serious note, perhaps you should be more proactive in dealing with B's rough edges rather than just being "used to it". Actions such as you have described will seriously hurt her chances of future success. I say this thinking of a friend's mom who was instrumental in smoothing some of my rough edges in high school. You can very nicely set expectations in your home and your company - use "we" statements: "We don't curse and would appreciate if you did not in our house.". "We enjoy sharing about our day at dinner, please join us until we are all finished." "We don't run in the house." Occasionally take the girls to dinner, to movies, to ballgames and explain expectations on the way. You will be doing the young lady a great favor.
    Believe me - we have been doing all that for years. We include her in a lot of family activities. And when we call her out when she crosses established boundaries, she really tries to improve, God bless her. But then she backslides, and I think it’s no coincidence that she backslides when there is some upsetting crisis at home.

    I just have to think about the rest of my family, as well as our fellow passengers, before we commit to taking full-time responsibility for her actions and her well-being on a six-day cruise. I just don’t think she’s ready, and, ashamed as I am to admit it, I don’t think we’re ready.

    As I said earlier, maybe in another year, I can take both of them.
     

    Lisa F

    is a very wise woman
    Joined
    Feb 22, 2000
    Believe me - we have been doing all that for years. We include her in a lot of family activities. And when we call her out when she crosses established boundaries, she really tries to improve, God bless her. But then she backslides, and I think it’s no coincidence that she backslides when there is some upsetting crisis at home.

    I just have to think about the rest of my family, as well as our fellow passengers, before we commit to taking full-time responsibility for her actions and her well-being on a six-day cruise. I just don’t think she’s ready, and, ashamed as I am to admit it, I don’t think we’re ready.

    As I said earlier, maybe in another year, I can take both of them.
    Please don't be ashamed. Previous posters who are perfect people and parents notwithstanding, most of us get that a cruise is a big expensive endeavor and maybe not the right thing for you to include her on.
     

    Dug720

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Feb 16, 2012
    Please don't be ashamed. Previous posters who are perfect people and parents notwithstanding, most of us get that a cruise is a big expensive endeavor and maybe not the right thing for you to include her on.
    Agreed. Just with the addendum that given the description of the friendship between the 3 girls, it would be very damaging to the relationship between them (even letting parents be the “bad guys”) as well as the self-esteem (probably not that great anyway given what has been said about her home situation) of the girl left behind.
     
  • DuskKodesh

    Marvel Hero in Training
    Joined
    Aug 11, 2019
    While I appreciate the chatter on this thread regaurding her behavior, (I'm a lurker) I don't think she's on the spectrum and if she's adapted well a diagnosis would only hurt her in the long term. It can be brought up later in life should she ever say have to fight for custody of her kids. It's not worth ever having IF you've adapted well and honestly what you've described sounds like she's adapting to trauma. Aftereffects of trauma and autism can be so close that if you've suffered childhood trauma they cannot actually diagnose you with autism because of the doubt it creates... as is the case with my hubs who is now in counseling for his childhood experiences. He's trying to talk me into the same for mine because I was one of those 4.0 grade average kids who acted out in public when my parents threw plates at each other. No disorder, it was just that my home life was a wreck and I needed the attention. I've declined thusfar. Honest to god it sounds like you're doing great but I wish you'd said something along the lines of "I have an extra bedroom" which I know is a scary thing to plan for but knowing her whole life won't end if her home life does goes a long way towards calming the anxiety of having everything be a giant question mark.

    Your decision on the trip is great. Family time all the way but I'm going to share with you the single phrase that helped my hubs and I deal with our past whenever either of us gets stressed. "You don't have to do that, I/we already like/love you." Good to use on others when they act out, good to use on yourself honestly. You're doing great encouraging her and helping her out so far and I bet your family is a great influence and stabilizer. She'll need a lot of those.
     

    Lisa F

    is a very wise woman
    Joined
    Feb 22, 2000
    Agreed. Just with the addendum that given the description of the friendship between the 3 girls, it would be very damaging to the relationship between them (even letting parents be the “bad guys”) as well as the self-esteem (probably not that great anyway given what has been said about her home situation) of the girl left behind.
    Yeah, I think the op was looking for some magical way to have her cake and eat it too. Hey, stranger things have happened! But there isn't and they agreed way upthread that it was an all or nothing thing. They are definitely NOT trying to hurt anyone. Not wanting to deal with it on your very expensive vacation does not make the OP a remotely bad person though.
     

    KMarston

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Mar 24, 2009
    I read through your thread this weekend but not when I could respond. I was always chosen to go on trips with my friends because I was easy, didn’t need to be entertained AND because I had younger siblings and was trained by my parents to pitch in. My oldest always had a friend along from MS up because her brother was nine years younger. For logistics she could only choose one and there was a threesome. Very different situation than yours though.

    The reason I wanted to reply though was that, I raised a niece for five years through high school that sounds very much like your DDs friend. She was neglected, raised by an alcoholic, drug addicted mom who was absolutely crazy. DN could hold it together fine around adults but once she got around peers she became impulsive, loud, obnoxious and hard to be around. I couldn’t let her do anything without me. All through high school! Except... two friends moms who were so kind and understood that if she was invited over they would have to be there for any activities the girls did. They were so sweet and kind and even though I’ve told them I don’t think they’ll ever understand what those overnights meant to me as a small break for my son and husband and I and for their acceptance of her. So I just wanted to thank you for being such a great “other mom” to your daughters friend! Enjoy your trip!
     

    anjuan

    Mouseketeer
    Joined
    Jan 10, 2012
    Neither, make it family vacation. There are plenty of things to do for your daughter at the VIBE. Join the Facebook group and let her meet up with kids ahead of time. They usually start a chat or she can start the chat. My daughter is only child and that's why she loves cruise, gets to meet new people. Having a chat ahead of time and having someone to look forward to meeting really helps.
    I totally agree with this. The Facebook groups I have been on have set up teen chats and my daughter met kids through this ahead of time. She now has friends in different parts of the US and even other countries as a result of this which has been great!
     

    squirk

    Saw what you did and knows who you are.
    Joined
    Apr 9, 2011
    The reason I wanted to reply though was that, I raised a niece for five years through high school that sounds very much like your DDs friend. She was neglected, raised by an alcoholic, drug addicted mom who was absolutely crazy. DN could hold it together fine around adults but once she got around peers she became impulsive, loud, obnoxious and hard to be around. I couldn’t let her do anything without me. All through high school! Except... two friends moms who were so kind and understood that if she was invited over they would have to be there for any activities the girls did. They were so sweet and kind and even though I’ve told them I don’t think they’ll ever understand what those overnights meant to me as a small break for my son and husband and I and for their acceptance of her. So I just wanted to thank you for being such a great “other mom” to your daughters friend! Enjoy your trip!
    Thanks for the kind words. Yes, the situations sound very similar.

    At the risk of sounding sanctimonious and arrogant, we include this girl in as much of our stuff as possible because a.) we think it might be a nice respite for her; b.) we want this girl to see, know and understand that life doesn’t have to be constantly uncertain and upsetting; and c.) she needs to know that there is nothing “wrong” with her wherein she deserves any of the chaos.

    BTW - I’m the “other dad” in this scenario.
     

    squirk

    Saw what you did and knows who you are.
    Joined
    Apr 9, 2011
    my gut was right. now I can stop using the awkward gender neutral version of things ;)
    I appreciate the consideration, but I would not have been offended with the feminine pronouns.

    I’ve already been accused in this thread of fostering a generation of kids with entitlement issues, and of being intolerant about some ... “elephant in the room”? So, being mistakenly referred to as “she” is no big deal. 😉
     
    Last edited:

    KMarston

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Mar 24, 2009
    Thanks for the kind words. Yes, the situations sound very similar.

    At the risk of sounding sanctimonious and arrogant, we include this girl in as much of our stuff as possible because a.) we think it might be a nice respite for her; b.) we want this girl to see, know and understand that life doesn’t have to be constantly uncertain and upsetting; and c.) she needs to know that there is nothing “wrong” with her wherein she deserves any of the chaos.

    BTW - I’m the “other dad” in this scenario.
    It’s not sanctimonious to verbalize your desire or intention to be an adolescents safe place. And I apologize for assuming your gender, I think it’s awesome for her to have a male role model with qualities to search for in a spouse. My niece makes very bad choices in young men but she will call me saying I just want a relationship like you and uncle. And to quote my father, “no good deed goes unpunished.” People love to find fault with others. We dealt with a lot of that as well. Sorry this thread took such a turn.
     



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