Interested in your opinion on this matter

[I_Know_You2!]

I think your radar is right on target, and your priest is a good place to start. What your DH is doing is very disrespectful to you and to your marriage, and if he wants to stay married, this relationship needs to come to a screeching halt - now!

You have gotten a lot of good advice, so I won't repeat it. I hope it all works out for the best.

Denae

Exactly.

Robin, I've known far too many women who set their sights on married men. And one heck of a lot of guys that almost stumbled into their webs thinking they were just being nice.

 

[Magic Mom]

I guess I will never understand why women think that the OTHER woman is the problem more than the man who took the vows.....

Yeah, tell HER off. Then it'll be someone else... then tell HER off.... keep telling them off ....

the common denominator sleeps with you.

I totally disagree with asking the 10yo about what's going on. Don't drag him down this nasty road any further than he's already a part of it.

Wow, he's a slick one. Using the kid to start an affair, that's classic but it works.

Agreed. Also telling her off just paints her in a more sympathetic light. Then she looks like the poor attacked victim to him, and the OP ends up looking like a crazy shrew. That's fine if you know the marriage is over, but if you want to work on it, I don't think that's a wise move.

 

[OceanAnnie]

To be honest, I'm not quite sure........I'm only hearing 'her' side of the story, so there may be a reason he feels the need to seek outside companionship. Regardless, it is more than a little shady (and rude) to be hanging out at a single mom's house until 11PM WITH HIS SON in tow.

IF there is nothing more to this story, and he is completely at fault, then an ultimatum should be set----he immediately stops communications with her, and he changes the TKD gym effective immediately. BUT, sometimes this is just a band-aid to a larger problem, and if the guy is looking to cheat, then he'll find a way to do it somehow/somewhere else. It may be a never-ending game that she will not win.

I'm hoping for the OP's sake and her family's that the husband just has derailed priorities. I'm hoping that the husband doesn't have bigger long term issues.

OP. I know it's hard. Give him hell! Maybe it will shake him up. He can't keep doing this and keep his family too.

 

[RadioNate]

BIG BIG BIG problems! I, like others, suggest counseling. The fact that he has your son involved is sickening to me.

As some people here may remember, my DH started down a similar path this spring. Even though the girl was 3000 miles away and they just emailed, it still did terrible damage to our marriage.

The fact that your DH sees nothing wrong with this is alarming. Frankly I think that is just a defense and smokescreen. He needs to cease all contact with this woman immediately and permanently.

OP - I'm sorry you are going through this. I know how much it hurts.

 

[Praying Colonel]

So from a guy's perspctive, how should she handle this?

I'm a guy, and I'm not sure what she can do. She can suggest counseling, or she can start showing up and monitoring him, but ultimately, if a guy wants to roam, he's going to roam.

And IMHO he's showing big-time signs of wanting to roam. He's keeping time with this woman late at night, even causing his son to sacrifice valuable time for family, for Mom and for rest. If he's willing to go to that extreme to spend time with this woman--yes, it's a big red flag, sorry to say. I'd never, ever think of doing such a thing. Even if it were innocent (which I don't really believe it is), I'd never disrespect my wife in such a way. There are some big-time issues here that need to be resolved, one way or the other. OP, hang in there.

 

[Mom2Nick]

It's inappropriate, irresponsible and disrespectful.

 

[RaindropsOnRoses]

OK, time for a guys perspective on this.........I didn't read all the posts word-for-word, but I didn't see anything pertaining to this other womens 'looks'-----As in how hot she is.

I'll tell you how men work----generally they won't cheat backwards, meaning they will not cheat with someone less attractive than their signifigant other. Men are straight-up visual type people, so attraction is the main factor in most cases.

I WOULD like to know why he thinks he can get away with staying at a single woman's house until 11PM at night and nothing would be asked? Either he is just clueless, or he doesn't really give a you know what.

I don't agree with that. I have seen too many men cheat on their very attractive wives, with butt ugly women.

If a man wants sex, that is what it is about more times than not.

 

[Camicar]

Obviously inappropriate. And hurtful.

Yet, your husband doesn't care. And therein lies the problem. Not with the other woman, with him.

What are the consequences of his behavior right now?

What will a Catholic priest tell you to do -- after all, divorce is forbidden. So given that and the fact that he doesn't care about your wishes, his son, or disrespecting his wife, just what do you have to hold over his head? He can do whatever he wants and you have to stick with him.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Unless you are working or have a few other small children to watch, I would start taking a BIG interest in both your son's and husband's classes and be front and center at every one.

I would take up TKD. Then again I want to.

And your DH obviously has interest in this woman....duh.
To say otherwise is insulting your intelligence.

So your marriage is having a bump. Open your eyes.

 

[aprilgail2]

I have a few married men I am friends with- FRIENDS that is all, nothing else- BUT I would never have them over my house alone (even with kids) no way no how-just isn't right. Hanging out at her house alone from 830-1130 is a MAJOR red flag!!

 

[kelleigh1]

Wow! Definite red flags. Very inappropriate.

I know someone (I refuse to call her a friend although she seems to think we are) who seems to think it's ok to hook up with married men. This could be her, but she has a son, not a daughter. I asked her once why she has no problem hooking up with married men and her response was "hey, if they're willing to cheat on their wives, that's not my fault." Nice, huh?

If it were me, after a few hours of crying and wondering 'why me', I'd start showing up at class too. And then making sure that my family went home with me. Son would definitely be heading home with me and if hubby decided he still wanted his own play date, he'd find his stuff on the front lawn and the locks changed.

 

[lillygator]

what exactly are they doing until 11? Did hubby say?

 

[disneymom3]

Delilah--I am so sorry you are going through this. You have always seemed like a very sweet person.

I'm a guy, and I'm not sure what she can do. She can suggest counseling, or she can start showing up and monitoring him, but ultimately, if a guy wants to roam, he's going to roam.

And IMHO he's showing big-time signs of wanting to roam. He's keeping time with this woman late at night, even causing his son to sacrifice valuable time for family, for Mom and for rest. If he's willing to go to that extreme to spend time with this woman--yes, it's a big red flag, sorry to say. I'd never, ever think of doing such a thing. Even if it were innocent (which I don't really believe it is), I'd never disrespect my wife in such a way. There are some big-time issues here that need to be resolved, one way or the other. OP, hang in there.

I think PC has an excellent point here. I understand you wanting to go to your priest. The fact that DH has refused is a big red flag to me too. At this point with your DH I would give an ultimatum. Stop seeing her. That's it. If he doesn't, then you make the next move whatever that needs to be for you. If he doesn't stop then as PC says, he is being so incredibly disrespectful of your feelings that for me, there would be no going forward. I am a firm believer that if something bothers the other spouse (as long as you are in a healthy relationship, not freaky controlling) than the other one should stop doing it.

 

[Robinrs]

Exactly.

Robin, I've known far too many women who set their sights on married men. And one heck of a lot of guys that almost stumbled into their webs thinking they were just being nice.

Yep, and there are A LOT of cheesecakes out there and it's up to ME to take my lactose intolerant butt out of their radar.

We cannot control the actions of other people, we can only control out own and that's what we are responsible for. Delilahs are EVERYWHERE but a real man knows better and acts correctly.

Men don't STUMBLE into their webs... that's taking the responsibility AWAY from them. They're human beings with the ability to choose. I don't care if their secretary is bending over in front of him, HE has to make the right decision.... because there will be lots of temptation to avoid and ignore after this one is over.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Completely and grossly inappropriate!

Do not 'discuss' and haggle over semantics and small details.

Make sure your position clear that the situation ends NOW.
No justifications, excuses, or procrastination.

If you are not 100% and completely certain that your husband is not longer involved with this woman at all, take steps to protect yourself, NOW...

 

[Angelhalo]

Men don't STUMBLE into their webs... that's taking the responsibility AWAY from them. They're human beings with the ability to choose. I don't care if their secretary is bending over in front of him, HE has to make the right decision.... because there will be lots of temptation to avoid and ignore after this one is over.

ITA

 

[Wishing on a star]

What is even more sickening is that your young son is there to witness this situation... Completely sickening....

My son would no longer be attending this Karate class as long as DH was acting in this manner.

I am sure your son would be hurt by missing out on the Karate class that he has been going to... but, he will be hurt FAR WORSE by the situation that your husband is imposing on him!!!

 

[I_Know_You2!]

Men don't STUMBLE into their webs... that's taking the responsibility AWAY from them. They're human beings with the ability to choose. I don't care if their secretary is bending over in front of him, HE has to make the right decision.... because there will be lots of temptation to avoid and ignore after this one is over.

Bull. I've been manipulated many times, and not discovered it until I was in over my head. That is no different. I know gals who have set out to ensnare, playing innocent all the way. I have found guys to be much more blatant.

Choosing to have sex with someone is far different. That is a choice made after someone has stepped accidentally or purposefully across the boundaries.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Men don't STUMBLE into their webs... that's taking the responsibility AWAY from them. They're human beings with the ability to choose. I don't care if their secretary is bending over in front of him, HE has to make the right decision.... because there will be lots of temptation to avoid and ignore after this one is over.

I think you are right. And I think I_Know_You2!, is also right. There are many variables that impact a relationship. And sometimes you just don't know. You have to look at the events and reactions from the beginning to get an idea. Intent is a biggie. I do think there are good men that have stumbled into webs, just as there are men that have knowingly and willingly made the choice in the beginning. There is no cut and dry way to look at it in my book, just my .02.

 

[I_Know_You2!]

I think you are right. And I think I_Know_You2!, is also right. There are many variables that impact a relationship. And sometimes you just don't know. You have to look at the events and reactions from the beginning to get an idea. Intent is a biggie. I do think there are good men that have stumbled into webs, just as there are men that have knowingly and willingly made the choice in the beginning. There is no cut and dry way to look at it in my book, just my .02.

Well, there you go, throwing logic on the whole thing...