Interested in your opinion on this matter

[Wishing on a star]

I just have to clarify on my earlier comment - DO NOT SAY ANYTHING TO PUT THE CHILD IN THE MIDDLE.

I stand by that!!!!
There is no question about this... None at all.
The OP should give her child information and choices on a need-to-know basis...

I don't think that anyone is saying to not communicate with the child and keep him in the dark... That would be quite ridiculous.

I was commenting because there are earlier posts which, I assumed, were advising the OP to actually ask the child what was going on after TKD!!! That IS putting him right in the middle of a very negative situation, with the logical conclusion that one parent is pitting him against the other, like asking him to spy.


OP - JUST DON'T DO IT!!!!

There are ways of handling this with the son and speaking to the son that do not put him in the middle.

 

[RitaZ.]

Yes, definitely inappropriate. I would not, under any circumstances, address the woman about this. Your husband is the one that you need to discuss this with.

I agree that a woman doesn't have to be drop dead gorgeous or of above average intelligence to attract a man. If attractiveness and intelligence were required, then our planet would be a whole lot less populated.

Good luck with this situation.

 

[Jaclynfett]

Did it happen this week again?

 

[Dopey's twin Dippy]

i would def. confront your husband. and if you did not feel better, i would also confront the woman. no way would i let this go on. and im sorry to say that if he is saying its just as friends, and he did not like the way you said hi to her at the church event, then i would think for a fact that something is going on. im sorry to say that, but i would bet 100 per cent its more than friends. but you must get to the bottom of this right away...

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

and

 

[ColleenG]

I agree with PPs, change your DS's TKD school with the reason being he's being kept out too late. I agree with not putting your son in the middle of it and spying on his dad, but maybe ask him what he and the other girl do or if he likes her. Get him talking and see what he says without a lot of prodding.

As far as DH goes I would try to get some alone time, maybe DS can spend the night with a relative or a friend, and really have a good long talk about why he is doing this, why it is wrong, and lay down the law and if doesn't follow then do what you need to do. If it was me, his stuff would have been out on the front lawn and the locks would have been changed.

Hope all works out and he sees the error of his ways.

 

[delilah]

Did it happen this week again?

No, it didn't happen this week (the first week of school for my son). On Tuesday, they got home at 9:30, which is reasonable if they attend both classes.

Last night, I had a parish council meeting. I had written my pastor a letter about what was going on (because I had not been able to tell him in person, and it was tearing me apart). After the parish council meeting, we set up a meeting for next Thursday (fine with me, because I am not going to do anything drastic between then and now).

I would not ask my son about what was going on, because I don't think he would really know. You have to keep in mind that I am a family physician, and really pretty sophisticated about things like this. The advice suggested about quitting the class is good, but, my husband needs to hear it from somebody other than me (because if I demand it, I am appearing to be a controlling, nagging shrew).

I don't know why my husband does things like this, but he has off and on all the while we've been married. I can go on and on, but I won't. I suspect it is cultural and based on upbringing. I am German-Polish in background, he is Mexican-Cuban. I know his mother was divorced, and actually, when my FIL died, she went to live with her ex for several months shortly after he died. It was interesting, to say the least. She lived in Florida, her ex in Chicago. We lived in Ohio at the time. When she had a falling out with her ex, she took a bus to Ohio, and camped out at our place for a few months. This whole drama took place in the first year we were married and before the first anniversary of her husband's (FIL's) death. I remember, because she was staying at our place on the first anniversary of his death. My husband has never stood up for me to his family. He has always told me that I just had to get used to them and ignore them if they bothered me.

On the other hand, my family is very strict German-Polish, strongly Catholic. Divorce is a last straw. In my entire extended family, going back to my great-grandparents, I only know of three couples who divorced or separated. One was my cousin, who married a non-Catholic girl, which caused problems. Another was my great-grandparents on my Mom's side, and the last was their daughter, my great grandaunt who actually separated from her husband, stayed married, and then had major legal problems when he died while living with a girlfriend. It seemed my aunt got all the bills, and the girlfriend got all the assets in the end.

 

[lillygator]

have you said anything to your DH

 

[vettechick99]

Sounds to me like your DH is selfish and weak and you've always known this. Time to stop putting up with his antics and get serious.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Deliliah,

I was sorry to read your update above.

I see the information about background and family as nothing more than EXCUSES for him to get away with totally inappropriate behavior.

You have seen this since you married him 30 years ago...
You have passively allowed this.
You have enabled this.
And, therefore, I do not think that anything is going to change any time soon.

Sometimes it is just time to call a spade 'a spade'.

OP: YOU are the only person who can affect any change here...

The best old adage ever is "You can not change any other persons attitudes or actions.. only YOURS... your actions and reactions".

The ball is in your court.
Can you accept this other woman, and various other disrespectful and inappropriate treatment, in your life... or not.

Now that your are talking to your church leader, I hope that all works out for the best for you.

I am sending you my best wishes!

 

[roses~red]

do you spend any time with your DH without your child or is your life too busy for him? Maybe that is part of the problem

 

[Disney Doll]

He does things like this off and on because he has been allowed to do things like this off and on. The first time he did it, if you did not make very clear what your thoughts and expectations were regarding that type of behavior, then I am quite sure he assumed you were OK with it.

His culture and upbringing have something to do with it only as far as his culture and upbringing are allowed to have something to do with it. Truthfully, it sounds like it's been a bit of an excuse on your part..."oh, it's just how he is"...in order to not have to deal with it in the past, but for some reason, this time it's distressing you more.

I'm not sure what else to tell you. If it bothers you, he needs to know and the 2 of you together need to work on why he feels the need to do this off and on for 30 years, why you have allowed it to happen off and on for 30 years, and how to fix things within your marriage so it doesn't happen again.

I would find it intolerable for my DH to be spending that kind of time with another woman, and minimizing my concerns so condescendingly when I spoke with him about it. There'd be some big changes in my marriage at that point. But that's me, and different people get and stay married for different reasons than I did.

Best of luck to you with this issue.

 

[OceanAnnie]

The advice suggested about quitting the class is good, but, my husband needs to hear it from somebody other than me (because if I demand it, I am appearing to be a controlling, nagging shrew).

I don't get this part (not that I have to). IMO, my husband would need to hear it from me because he would need to know from me his actions are unacceptable. You should be able to voice your concerns/demands within your marriage without fear of appearances. He's demanding the friendship. No? He said it was your problem? So what words would fit him? He doesn't seem to care about appearances to you or anyone else. The descriptors you mention would not come to mind for me in thinking of a woman in that situation (setting her own boundaries). I would think of strong, able, and caring.

As stated, people are different and handle things in different ways. Nothing wrong with that. Just different. Mine is just another POV.

I wish you well with everything.

 

[delilah]

I wanted to update everyone on recent developments in this situation. Things are OK with me recently. Most of my opinions of this woman have turned out to have some basis, and I am turning my husband around to see my side of the situation.
The woman sends her the same Catholic school that my son attends, that is in the parish that my family belongs to. She is not Catholic. As I had mentioned earlier, I had discussed the situation with my pastor because, quite frankly, it should be of concern to him because I am on the school commission (like the school board) and I am chairperson of our parish council.

In February, we had special program at the school. This woman's daughter repeatedly tried to sit on my husband's lap. I told him I thought this was inappropriate behavior, and that was an indication that she may have been sexually abused. he pooh-poohed my concern.
Now, this past week it turns out that the older sister has been having a relationship with the woman's boyfriend. He is in his mid-40's, and she is in high school.

Needless to say, I have advised him not to become involved with this family any more in the future.

 

[L107ANGEL]

I wanted to update everyone on recent developments in this situation. Things are OK with me recently. Most of my opinions of this woman have turned out to have some basis, and I am turning my husband around to see my side of the situation.
The woman sends her the same Catholic school that my son attends, that is in the parish that my family belongs to. She is not Catholic. As I had mentioned earlier, I had discussed the situation with my pastor because, quite frankly, it should be of concern to him because I am on the school commission (like the school board) and I am chairperson of our parish council.

In February, we had special program at the school. This woman's daughter repeatedly tried to sit on my husband's lap. I told him I thought this was inappropriate behavior, and that was an indication that she may have been sexually abused. he pooh-poohed my concern.
Now, this past week it turns out that the older sister has been having a relationship with the woman's boyfriend. He is in his mid-40's, and she is in high school.

Needless to say, I have advised him not to become involved with this family any more in the future.

I feel sick!

 

[Pigeon]

I'm glad things are working out a little better.

But I wouldn't put the blame on the woman. Whether your ethnic husband's background is Cuban, Mexican, Polish, Lituanian or Vulcan is irrelevant, as is all the religious stuff.

He's a married adult man. Any married adult man with any sense knows not to go hang out at a single woman's house late in the evening on an ongoing basis. Period.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Doesn't sound like anything has changed. No matter what you have advised him.

If your husband is having ANY communication/contact with this woman at all.. and you are continuing to sit and watch it happen, then nothing has changed.

It sounds like he is just laying low because there are now obviously serious legal complications. And, ONLY because of these legal complications. Your husband is one tiny whisper away from being accused of sexual assault on a minor (pedophilia, sexual predator...) All I can do is read the info in your last post, and assume that these posts are the truth... He has frequently spent time in the evenings at a home where sexual abuse has been taking place... The girl was actively seeking to sit in his lap... I can make no determination or judgment here... but, the writing is on the wall. Like the other poster said, it just kinds of makes me feel sick in the pit of my stomach.

I see no reason to believe that his underlying attitudes regarding his behaviors have changed.

If he still believes that what he has been doing all along is acceptable, and like his 'right', it will continue to happen. Either with this woman/family, or with the next.

I am so sorry....

 

[RitaZ.]

OP, the fact that you're still working on convincing your husband to stay away from this woman and her family, almost 8 months after you wrote your original post, tells me that nothing has changed in your DH's attitude. Good luck to you.

 

[famofsix]

I think it is strange that you seem to know what's going on in the woman's personal family ie this womans HS daughter etc. I hope your boy is not going to the house after karate after all this time.

 

[delilah]

Sorry for the late update on all this. Since the accusations against this woman's boyfriend, she hasn't been attending TKD at all. Her boyfriend was an instructor at the TKD school. And, of course, no parent would want an accused sex offender teaching TKD to their child. Of course, he isn't anymore because he is in jail. My husband and son haven't really been going to TKD, either, which wasn't my objective. They have been involved with boy scouts, which meets the same time as TKD. The TKD class changed location for meetings to the Knights of Columbus building, which, of course, has weddings scheduled every Saturday, and, so TKD is cancelled on those days. Which leaves just Thursday evenings. They have been coming home early on Thursday, so, obviously, haven't been visiting this woman at all.

The problem with this situation is that it is so intermittant that my husband gets involved in this way. I really think that my husband is a good hearted person, and I really believe that he was just trying to help this woman, for real, truly. The theme song for her life appears to be "Poor, Poor Pitiful Me". She is a divorced, single mother of 4 daughter,marginally employed cleaning houses, and has no education, other than HS. She is 45 years old and taking the prerequisites for nursing school (which are things like freshman English, college algebra and general chemistry, all of which she finds difficult, and all of which I tested out of before attending university at all). My husband is a research chemist, and actually, doesn't really know how to help effectively without becoming enmeshed, which he does at other times with other people. I have discussed this with him, also. There may be a slight component of jealousy, because, I work as a physician. I get to help people on a daily, ongoing basis, but, the difference is that I have the infrastructure to do so without becoming enmeshed.

Anyway, things are going lots better.