Interested in your opinion on this matter

[beanjean]

This really makes me mad that this woman knows he is married and invites someone over like that. I would just go to TKD with them the next time they go and see if she invites them over this time. If she doesn't then I would ask her if there was a problem with me being there that she didn't invite my hubby and son over. I would definitely give my hubby an ultimatum. Either he not go to her house EVER again or he could pack his stuff and get OUT. Please do not put up with this kind of behavior from a man. He is playing you for a dummy.

 

[Robinrs]

Bull. I've been manipulated many times, and not discovered it until I was in over my head. That is no different. I know gals who have set out to ensnare, playing innocent all the way. I have found guys to be much more blatant.

Choosing to have sex with someone is far different. That is a choice made after someone has stepped accidentally or purposefully across the boundaries.

What makes it BULL??? Just because you aren't aware takes away your responsibility?? I'm talking about acting on it, not just visually enjoying something.

 

[breezy1077]

I haven't read all the responses yet, but it's BEYOND inappropriate!!!!

I'd be drawing a line in the sand immediately. No more visits to her house. And I'd probably be taking up Tae Kwon Do with DH or nix the classes altogether.

 

[Mr. & Mrs. Smith]

As a clergy person, myself, I say: See your priest. A professional person who you already have a relationship with and who knows your family can give you give you better advice than we can and can be their to support your family long-term.

As a wife, I say: I feel the same way that you do about the situation. I suspect an affair or at least a desire for one.

I would not confront this woman because she has not made any promises to you with regards to fidelity, love or care, she is a total stranger, and she may not have actually done anything wrong. Your DH, however, has done a lot of things wrong, that you know of, and may have done even more things wrong, that you suspect. This is an issue in your marriage and really has nothing to do with the other woman.

 

[delilah]

Inappropriate and yes cheating does not have to include sex. If I were you, I'd start going to watch the Tae Kwan Do classes. If your husband doesn't like it-tough and that should set off your radar.

From my perspective, the problem with attending the classes is that I am a doctor, and I am on call Tuesdays. I have to answer calls from patients within 15 minutes, and might need to present myself to the hospital within 30 minutes. This is possible from my home, but not from the gym, and not if I am taking classes. Thursday evenings, I have meetings at the church until about 9pm. I am the chair of the parish council, and on the school commission. These activities are important to me.

As for appearances and attractions. I am 5'2" and wear size 2-4. I have highlighted blond hair and have been told that I am pretty. Well, actually, I blush to say that people have called me "hot" and "Barbie doll". When I was in medical school, my attending referred to me at the "model" medical student, referring to my appearance, not the fact that I was smart and competent (I am that, too). I earn well over half our household income. When in school, I was a National Merit scholar, graduated Phi Beta Kappa with high honors in Chemistry. I also have a MS in physical chemistry (my husband does, also). On the other hand, this other lady is also a highlighted blond. She is taller than I am. My first impression on seeing her is that she looks a bit like the Grinch who stole Christmas, but, she really is average in the looks department. She cleans houses to support herself (remember, she is about 48), and is going to be starting a two year nursing degree program. No comparison in intelligence or ability at all to me.

"

 

[OceanAnnie]

From my perspective, the problem with attending the classes is that I am a doctor, and I am on call Tuesdays. I have to answer calls from patients within 15 minutes, and might need to present myself to the hospital within 30 minutes. This is possible from my home, but not from the gym, and not if I am taking classes. Thursday evenings, I have meetings at the church until about 9pm. I am the chair of the parish council, and on the school commission. These activities are important to me.

As for appearances and attractions. I am 5'2" and wear size 2-4. I have highlighted blond hair and have been told that I am pretty. Well, actually, I blush to say that people have called me "hot" and "Barbie doll". When I was in medical school, my attending referred to me at the "model" medical student, referring to my appearance, not the fact that I was smart and competent (I am that, too). I earn well over half our household income. When in school, I was a National Merit scholar, graduated Phi Beta Kappa with high honors in Chemistry. I also have a MS in physical chemistry (my husband does, also). On the other hand, this other lady is also a highlighted blond. She is taller than I am. My first impression on seeing her is that she looks a bit like the Grinch who stole Christmas, but, she really is average in the looks department. She cleans houses to support herself (remember, she is about 48), and is going to be starting a two year nursing degree program. No comparison in intelligence or ability at all to me.

"

I don't think it's about comparisons. Looks don't really matter that much when a person is getting attention, standing invitations, and availability. Not saying I condone his behavior at all. But that was her way in. And she used it.

I guess at this point you need to find out where he stands. How deeply is he in it? Will he give up this friendship? Where do you two go from here? Other thoughts, does your husband work and have commitments on weeknights or weekends other than the TWD? If he does it is on the same nights as you? If not, I'd work on that (if he will give up the relationship). I'd try to have a similar schedule as much as possible so you have lots of couple and family time.

Just some thoughts.

 

[rie'smom]

I'm sorry if you thought that I was comparing you unfavorably because I wasn't.

My dad cheated on my mom and his Grinch was nowhere as pretty as my mom. Looks usually don't have a lot to do with a guy cheating. More often than not, it's about the guy feeling insecure about himself and the need to prove to himself that he's attractive to other women.

It's great that you don't have to depend on him for your financial security.
I hope you can make it work. Mom and Dad worked out their differences. Your husband needs to listen and pay attention to your feelings about this woman. I'm sure that he wouldn't like you going to a coworker's home to visit after work.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Woah. Did he lie about where they were at all? If so, that's a huge issue. No school aged child should be out that late on a regular basis. He can't be getting all the sleep he should be.

Yes, I think it's inappropriate. I'd tell him it makes you uncomfortable and ask him not to do it any more. If he refuses, or hangs out with her again without your knowledge, I'd call a marriage counselor pronto.

 

[OceanAnnie]

His telling you that their "friendship" is your problem, does speak volumes. It sounds like he has a long way to go to realize he can't have it both ways.

 

[Handbag Lady]

From my perspective, the problem with attending the classes is that I am a doctor, and I am on call Tuesdays. I have to answer calls from patients within 15 minutes, and might need to present myself to the hospital within 30 minutes. This is possible from my home, but not from the gym, and not if I am taking classes. Thursday evenings, I have meetings at the church until about 9pm. I am the chair of the parish council, and on the school commission. These activities are important to me.

As for appearances and attractions. I am 5'2" and wear size 2-4. I have highlighted blond hair and have been told that I am pretty. Well, actually, I blush to say that people have called me "hot" and "Barbie doll". When I was in medical school, my attending referred to me at the "model" medical student, referring to my appearance, not the fact that I was smart and competent (I am that, too). I earn well over half our household income. When in school, I was a National Merit scholar, graduated Phi Beta Kappa with high honors in Chemistry. I also have a MS in physical chemistry (my husband does, also). On the other hand, this other lady is also a highlighted blond. She is taller than I am. My first impression on seeing her is that she looks a bit like the Grinch who stole Christmas, but, she really is average in the looks department. She cleans houses to support herself (remember, she is about 48), and is going to be starting a two year nursing degree program. No comparison in intelligence or ability at all to me.

"

You have so much going for you than this other woman! You are smart, successful, and clearly you are an upstanding community member. I'll go kick that woman's teeth in for you, okay?

Sit down with DH (and no, not DEAR) and clearly explain to him using very small words that he will not be going to this woman's house any longer, nor will he use his son as a pawn, and nor will he continue to attend this dojo. He can find another set of classes to take so that he can have fellowship with his son.

 

[bananiem]

I don't think it's about comparisons. Looks don't really matter that much when a person is getting attention, standing invitations, and availability. Not saying I condone his behavior at all. But that was her way in. And she used it.

I agree. Some people aren't attracted by physical qualities, but by emotional qualities. If she is giving him attention that he felt he needed...You say you're gone every Thursday, and I'm guessing most Tuesdays if you're on call. Do the two of you have any time during the week set for just each other? I know we got to a point where dh and I were always running kids to activities or going to meetings in the evenings. And we always enjoyed being with our kids so we'd have family movie night on the weekends. But we finally realized we weren't get "us" time. Now our kids are older and can be left alone. We have made certain "date" times each week. We wish we would have done it more often sooner, even if it had cost money to get a babysitter.
I think what your dh did is inappropriate, but I'd find out why he thought he needed attention from someone else.

 

[Wishing on a star]

That is right... certain obvious qualities, such as looks or money, may not actually be the driving factors!!! (in fact, usually they are NOT....) To try to make comparisons is not useful, or healthy!!! Just don't do it!!!

No matter what some other previous posters have said, it is NEVER the one spouses fault that another spouse cheats... If there are issues in a marriage, then the answer is to work thru those issues (or take steps to separate and end the marriage)... NOT cheat... There is no other truth except that the cheater is a dispicable cheater.. period...

Also, OP, I do see your answer in the recent post above... but just for the record, for you and for anyone else here... even if you could join that Karate dojo, you should NOT!!!! That is just lame and desperate..... NO woman should have to follow her man around like a jealous lovesick kid. Again... Just don't do it!!!!

The only answer is for you to remove your son from the situation, IMMEDIATELY... And, to let your husband know, in the fewest words and the clearest way possible, that if he values his marriage, he will never see this woman again... period. Non-negotiable...

If this so called 'friendship' is more meaningful to him than your marriage, my heart would hurt for you, but I would know that, at least you had your answer.....

If he does continue to see this woman, then change the locks!!!!
Take steps to protect yourself, NOW.... Not tomorrow... but NOW.

You are not powerless...

Make your decision...
Can you accept 'another woman' in your marriage or not.

I can say that no matter what... My son would not attend another Karate class under these circumstances.. NOT ONE... NOT EVER...

Personally, for me, if it were my husband, and even if he did finally and reluctantly agree to not ever see this woman again... I still could not accept the fact that 1.) I was lied to... and 2.) He completely and totally disrespected me and told me that his transgressions and sins were 'my problem'. The marriage would still be in possibly lethal trouble.

You have a road ahead of you, no matter how it works out.

 

[Disney Doll]

Exactly.

Robin, I've known far too many women who set their sights on married men. And one heck of a lot of guys that almost stumbled into their webs thinking they were just being nice.

I do not, and will never, believe that.

Men are not stupid creatures, blindly being led around by wicked women.

 

[Disney Doll]

To be honest, I'm not quite sure........I'm only hearing 'her' side of the story, so there may be a reason he feels the need to seek outside companionship. Regardless, it is more than a little shady (and rude) to be hanging out at a single mom's house until 11PM WITH HIS SON in tow.

IF there is nothing more to this story, and he is completely at fault, then an ultimatum should be set----he immediately stops communications with her, and he changes the TKD gym effective immediately. BUT, sometimes this is just a band-aid to a larger problem, and if the guy is looking to cheat, then he'll find a way to do it somehow/somewhere else. It may be a never-ending game that she will not win.

OK, here's the deal. You are correct in that an affair is not the problem. It is usually the symptom of a bigger problem. But...and this is a big but...if he "feels the need to seek outside companionship" from his marriage, then he should be speaking to his wife and saying "we have a problem because I feel the need to seek outside companionship". He should not be going to some other woman's house twice a week. We are talking about a couple who have been married for 30 years. He OWES HER the respect of at least being stright with her and telling her there is a problem and trying to fix it. She OWES HIM the respect of truly listening to his assessment of what he thinks their problems are...what he thinks caused him to "feel the need to seek outside companionship" and really working on it.

That's always the part I don't get...why do men think that they could ever have an "acceptable" reason to seek outside companionship from their marriage????? And you, a man, implied the same thing. Not to pick on you but, the first thing you said is "I'm only hearing 'her' side of the story, so there may be a reason he feels the need to seek outside companionship". What difference does it make what her side of the story is???????? If "his" side of the story is "she's a shrew that I have tolerated for 30 years because she's a doctor and makes a heck of a good living that I have benefitted from but now I am sick of it" is it then acceptable to have an affair instead of of being able to "man up" and say "Look, this isn't working for me anymore", and then going on to either trying to fix it OR ending it before you start with another woman?

Affairs speak volumes about the character of the person having the affair.

 

[Disney Doll]

Obviously inappropriate. And hurtful.

Yet, your husband doesn't care. And therein lies the problem. Not with the other woman, with him.

What are the consequences of his behavior right now?

What will a Catholic priest tell you to do -- after all, divorce is forbidden. So given that and the fact that he doesn't care about your wishes, his son, or disrespecting his wife, just what do you have to hold over his head? He can do whatever he wants and you have to stick with him.

Let me clear up some misinformation contained here...when priests counsel unhappily married couples, there is a lot they can do to help. They all just don't sit there and spout "You are a Catholic, you can't get a divorce". Because the fact is, the actual "civil" divorce is not the problem. The Catholic Church doesn't recognize "civil" divorce. What would be the problem would be a remarriage after the civil divorce, because in the eyes of the Church, there is no such thing as divorce. So a remarriage would actually be the problem...it would be committing adultery in the eyes of the Church. But that would be between the 2 people and God anyhow, and not anything for any of us to worry about.

So she does not "have to" stick with him. But perhaps she would choose to stick with him rather than throw away 30 years of marriage over what may be a bump in the road. And perhaps if both she and he are practicing Catholics who value their religion, the insights/counsel a priest can give them into marriage & relationships could be very helpful. And yes, priests can counsel married people, even though priests don't marry. I have a marriage and family therapist living across the street from me who has also never been married and she has a lucrative enough practice to be able to afford a 15 acre "compound" in Maine which she has spent hundreds of thousands of dollars renovating into a bed & breakfast/retreat center. No one seems to be concerned about her ability to counsel couples despite the fact that she has never been married.

So, if the OP thinks a Catholic priest counselling them could help with her marriage, and she wishes to try and save it, then I think it is a good place to start. The bigger problem she has isn't WHO to go to but HOW to get her husband to go, since he clearly doesn't think there is a problem.

 

[boxer]

OK, here's the deal. You are correct in that an affair is not the problem. It is usually the symptom of a bigger problem. But...and this is a big but...if he "feels the need to seek outside companionship" from his marriage, then he should be speaking to his wife and saying "we have a problem because I feel the need to seek outside companionship". He should not be going to some other woman's house twice a week. We are talking about a couple who have been married for 30 years. He OWES HER the respect of at least being stright with her and telling her there is a problem and trying to fix it. She OWES HIM the respect of truly listening to his assessment of what he thinks their problems are...what he thinks caused him to "feel the need to seek outside companionship" and really working on it.

That's always the part I don't get...why do men think that they could ever have an "acceptable" reason to seek outside companionship from their marriage????? And you, a man, implied the same thing. Not to pick on you but, the first thing you said is "I'm only hearing 'her' side of the story, so there may be a reason he feels the need to seek outside companionship". What difference does it make what her side of the story is???????? If "his" side of the story is "she's a shrew that I have tolerated for 30 years because she's a doctor and makes a heck of a good living that I have benefitted from but now I am sick of it" is it then acceptable to have an affair instead of of being able to "man up" and say "Look, this isn't working for me anymore", and then going on to either trying to fix it OR ending it before you start with another woman?

Affairs speak volumes about the character of the person having the affair.

I agree with what you said, but I didn't mean it to sound like I thought it was "OK" he was getting some side-action. What I meant is we've only heard the woman's side of the story, and immediately everyone points the finger at the guy for everything that is wrong with them. Keep in mind there are kids involved, so not every person will just up and walk away from their marriage. Is this the right thing to do?--- probably not, but I can see someones point.

Regardless, you are correct that he should man-up, and admit that something is 'missing' from their marriage.

 

[rie'smom]

What will a Catholic priest tell you to do -- after all, divorce is forbidden. So given that and the fact that he doesn't care about your wishes, his son, or disrespecting his wife, just what do you have to hold over his head? He can do whatever he wants and you have to stick with him.

Divorce is not forbidden. If you want to remarry, you have to get an annulment and no, it doesn't mean your children are illegitimate. It means that the marriage has some element that shows that it should not have taken place.

A priest does not take marriage lightly because, in the Catholic faith, it is considered a sacrament. I do know of a couple of instances where a priest did,after counseling, say that divorce was the only option to living in a very bad marriage.

 

[famofsix]

A good friend found out her husband was cheating on her for 8 years. It was with a woman that they both knew. IMO, my friend has much more going for her than the "other" woman.

So OP I think you should have a long conversation with your DH and lay out your feelings and see how he reacts. Then suggest counseling together if you are still troubled. It might be a good idea to get counseling on your own right now to help you.

 

[boxer]

From my perspective, the problem with attending the classes is that I am a doctor, and I am on call Tuesdays. I have to answer calls from patients within 15 minutes, and might need to present myself to the hospital within 30 minutes. This is possible from my home, but not from the gym, and not if I am taking classes. Thursday evenings, I have meetings at the church until about 9pm. I am the chair of the parish council, and on the school commission. These activities are important to me.

As for appearances and attractions. I am 5'2" and wear size 2-4. I have highlighted blond hair and have been told that I am pretty. Well, actually, I blush to say that people have called me "hot" and "Barbie doll". When I was in medical school, my attending referred to me at the "model" medical student, referring to my appearance, not the fact that I was smart and competent (I am that, too). I earn well over half our household income. When in school, I was a National Merit scholar, graduated Phi Beta Kappa with high honors in Chemistry. I also have a MS in physical chemistry (my husband does, also). On the other hand, this other lady is also a highlighted blond. She is taller than I am. My first impression on seeing her is that she looks a bit like the Grinch who stole Christmas, but, she really is average in the looks department. She cleans houses to support herself (remember, she is about 48), and is going to be starting a two year nursing degree program. No comparison in intelligence or ability at all to me.

"

Ok, I gotta admit that on paper you are near perfect to what I look for in a woman: blonde hair, small frame, and enough income to let me be a stay-at-home-dad, lol.

I guess I was wrong that your husband wasn't 'cheating down'.

 

[TomLovesBecky]

110% inappropriate. I would flip out!