In-laws- Vent!!

[cheermom1]

I am looking at this from this angle the op said that the in laws are not willing to fly up there to fly with her back which sounds like all the op is asking for (other then the cat and she could stay with gp and not sil) so I agree that if they can't come and get her to curb your fears about her flying alone then no they shouldn't expect the op to say yes it is give and take guys ....

 

[bookgirl]

Are there even non connecting/non-stop flights available? On Southwest, for example, children under 12 are not allowed to fly alone on flights with connections or that have 1 or more stops.

Actually that's not true. I flew out of Vegas with a young girl, maybe 8, she had boarded in Cali. Stoped in Vegas, then OKC, then was going on to Dallas. She didn't have to change planes but she had 3 stops.


As for the OP, if it was a straight flight, and the child was mature I think 11 might be an okay age, but you know your child. She might not be mature enough to fly alone even on a direct flight. I would however decide on an age and tell the family that until she is that age you won't consider solo flights.

 

[luvsJack]

How does your daughter feel about it? I think if it was my child, and if she wanted to go really badly, I would try to figure out some alternative ways for her to visit her grandparents and aunt. Its important that she have access to her family.

 

[kkmcan]

A couple of things here for me to add. Grandparents now live in the same town as we do and take each of my kids for overnights at their house, which I have no problem with. They treat my kids well and they love them very much. So no, this is not about controlling the situation.

This is about the fact that no one (in this family) can take no for an answer. The g-parents and the sil are very controlling and manipulative in a sneaky sort of way. They keep bringing things up that I do not agree to and they won't let it go. If they think something should be a certain way then they keep on until I'm ready to explode.

My dd is an immature 11 year old. She is oldest of all the cousins on both sides of the family so she has only played with younger kids and girls her own age from school. She has not been exposed to some of the things a child with older siblings might be. She is not worldly and is still babyish in some ways. It's a difficult age as she thinks she is completely grown up.

I know lots of people send their children on airplanes alone and that's fine. I have nothing against that. It's just that I'M not comfortable with it for my kids.

 

[kkmcan]

How does your daughter feel about it? I think if it was my child, and if she wanted to go really badly, I would try to figure out some alternative ways for her to visit her grandparents and aunt. Its important that she have access to her family.

We have trips with Dh's family once or twice a year and they come to Tucson to visit as well so we all have plenty of chances to visit each other.

Also g-parents have moved back to Tucson and have been here more than a year now. We see them once a week or so and the kids stay at their house overnight every month.

 

[castleview]

I'd have a HUGE problem with them asking in front of my kids. My own mother does that sometimes, but because she's my mother - I can tear into her. Not so easy with the inlaws. My kids haven't stayed there simply because I don't trust them. They don't lock the door, they allow their older children to bully their younger ones and some of the things they do are just not appropriate IMHO. Like another poster, we just don't communicate anymore. Yeah sometimes it sucks, but the stress level is pretty much gone.

 

[luvsJack]

We have trips with Dh's family once or twice a year and they come to Tucson to visit as well so we all have plenty of chances to visit each other.

Also g-parents have moved back to Tucson and have been here more than a year now. We see them once a week or so and the kids stay at their house overnight every month.

Oh, well then that makes it totally different!! I see exactly where you are coming from then. Its not like this is their only chance to visit with auntie. She should never have asked in front of your dd. Plus the cat problem--auntie should have known better in the first place. I think I would call her up and tell her that dd cannot fly alone and cannot be in a house with a cat, so please, although I appreciate her invite, don't ask dd again without consulting me first. And I would tell dd what I told her. That way if the aunt asks again, dd already knows the answer.

 

[kkmcan]

I'd have a HUGE problem with them asking in front of my kids. .

Yup, that's a whole 'nother part of this that upsets me so much. Several years ago my MIL actually asked my dd over the phone if she'd like to fly out and stay with them before ever bringing this up with me or dh!!!!

What is wrong with people? I always thought any invites needed to go thru the parents first.

 

[Lady V]

you are fine....you are the mom and they just have to deal with it. Hopefully your DH and you can come up with an agreement. But the cat thing? Please---your DD would be miserable. hang tough!! I dealt with this last summer and now am getting emails again about it but my answer is still no. You know your child best.

 

[sorul82?]

Actually that's not true. I flew out of Vegas with a young girl, maybe 8, she had boarded in Cali. Stoped in Vegas, then OKC, then was going on to Dallas. She didn't have to change planes but she had 3 stops.

Oh wow, when was that? This is the info I was given in August of this year. I personally didn't see a problem with 1 stop, but I accepted their policy. We were trying to get my neice and nephew down in early Dec but the only time that worked had one stop and SW said nope.

 

[Annie68]

I completely understand your situation. My step-MIL and FIL were very controlling; they moved to Florida years ago & kept bugging us to let the kids fly down alone.The kids weren't comfortable with flying alone, nor were my DH and I ready to let them. DH & I offered to fly with them, but SMIL said she wanted just the kids to visit?! We weren't having any problems with them at that point , so it was just them wanting to win the argument . We offered to fly with the kids, drop them off & then do our own thing, but even that wasn't enough! My SMIL actually would berate the kids on the phone, telling them to "talk us into it", "keep bugging us", etc. It finally erupted, I told the in-laws enough was enough and to let it go, and DFIL sent us an email saying they no longer wished to have any contact with us or the kids. That was almost 4 years ago now. We are still amazed that they could severe what was a good relationship over something so trivial. We have made a few attempts at reconnecting, with no success. We are done. The kids, who once loved them, have no interest in them now. They have missed so many milestones in the kid's lives, that it seems almost impossible to forgive/move forward at this point .

I wish you luck, I hope your situation doesn't turn into what we experienced.

 

[minnie61650]

I completely understand your situation. My step-MIL and FIL were very controlling; they moved to Florida years ago & kept bugging us to let the kids fly down alone.The kids weren't comfortable with flying alone, nor were my DH and I ready to let them. DH & I offered to fly with them, but SMIL said she wanted just the kids to visit?! We weren't having any problems with them at that point , so it was just them wanting to win the argument . We offered to fly with the kids, drop them off & then do our own thing, but even that wasn't enough! My SMIL actually would berate the kids on the phone, telling them to "talk us into it", "keep bugging us", etc. It finally erupted, I told the in-laws enough was enough and to let it go, and DFIL sent us an email saying they no longer wished to have any contact with us or the kids. That was almost 4 years ago now. We are still amazed that they could severe what was a good relationship over something so trivial. We have made a few attempts at reconnecting, with no success. We are done. The kids, who once loved them, have no interest in them now. They have missed so many milestones in the kid's lives, that it seems almost impossible to forgive/move forward at this point .

I wish you luck, I hope your situation doesn't turn into what we experienced.

That is so sad.
It seems like they thought you did not trust that they would take good care of the children.

It seems like it caused lots of hurt feelings, especially for the children.
I hope someday soon a reconnection can take place.

Good Luck. Hugs to all.

 

[sorul82?]

Has your DD ever visited her Grandparents at their house? If not, that's kinda sad.

Not to hijack the thread, but I'm not liking you very much today! Just kidding!!!!! What a great game?

 

[EthansMom]

I completely agree with you, OP!

If you, as your daughter's mother, don't feel that she is mature enough to fly on her own (and the flight isn't NECESSARY... say for parental visitation) then there is no reason for any ILs to continue trying to undermine your boundaries.

I, too, really hate it when other adults ask the kids first or mention it in front of the kids.

I would tell SIL, "Sorry, but DD isn't ready to fly alone yet. Besides which, she can't possibly be in a house with a cat for any length of time."

 

[wvjules]

Not to hijack the thread, but I'm not liking you very much today! Just kidding!!!!! What a great game?

OT: What a great game it was! That interception at the end saved our behinds. And after that game we went on to beat undefeated #15 Ohio State in basketball. It was a good day to be a Mountaineer!!!!!!!!


Back OT: OP, I'm glad your kids get a chance to visit with their grandparents now.

 

[disneymyway]

This is ot but I was on a flight to New York a couple of months ago and there were 2 little kids (I'd say they were 8 and 10 years old) a couple of rows behind me. I at first thought their parents were in another row but came to realize they were alone. Not once did a flight attendant even check on them except when they were offering them a beverage, and then they seemed irritated when the kids wouldn't pick something right away. When we all got off the plane no one said anything to them and they seemed confused about what to do. I asked the flight attendant if they were ok on my way out (she said, "Yeah, Yeah"). Really, anything could have happened to them on that flight.

I've seen kids flying alone get taken very good care of on planes but not this time. I think when you let them go like that you really don't know what is happening to them and they'd better be old enough to really take care of themselves.

 

[Mr. & Mrs. Smith]

If you and your DH agreed on the matter, I would say of course you shouldn't let other people tell you how to parent your child. However, your DH doesn't agree with you. So, in that case, how do you decide which parent gets the final say? I think you need to compromise. As others have suggested, decide on an age when you think it is appropriate for your DD to travel alone and when she reaches that age, let her go visit with familly.

 

[disneymyway]

If you and your DH agreed on the matter, I would say of course you shouldn't let other people tell you how to parent your child. However, your DH doesn't agree with you. So, in that case, how do you decide which parent gets the final say? I think you need to compromise. As others have suggested, decide on an age when you think it is appropriate for your DD to travel alone and when she reaches that age, let her go visit with familly.

She's not clairvoyante. How is she supposed to see into the future and know when her daughter will be ready?

Don't make them any promises. Just try to keep a smile on your face and be nice. Try not to make too much a big deal out of it. Tell them "some day" and just be firm. It's your decision, yours and your husbands. Are you and your husband having a disagreement about this?

 

[Mr. & Mrs. Smith]

She's not clairvoyante. How is she supposed to see into the future and know when her daughter will be ready?

Don't make them any promises. Just try to keep a smile on your face and be nice. Try not to make too much a big deal out of it. Tell them "some day" and just be firm. It's your decision, yours and your husbands. Are you and your husband having a disagreement about this?

She already said that she and her DH disagree on this.

I know that she's not clairvoyant. However, I think that it's reasonable to assume that by a certain age, she would be comfortable with letting her child travel alone. She probably has a sense now of when that might be.

I think she needs to compromise here. Right now she is basically saying (whether she means to or not) that her wishes when it comes to this issue of parenting are somehow more important than her DH's. I was just trying to suggest a way where she could get what she wants but make DH happy too.

 

[disneymyway]

She already said that she and her DH disagree on this.

I know that she's not clairvoyant. However, I think that it's reasonable to assume that by a certain age, she would be comfortable with letting her child travel alone. She probably has a sense now of when that might be.

I think she needs to compromise here. Right now she is basically saying (whether she means to or not) that her wishes when it comes to this issue of parenting are somehow more important than her DH's. I was just trying to suggest a way where she could get what she wants but make DH happy too.

I don't think she "needs" to do anything that she doesn't want to do.

When I said "disagreement" I meant "fighting". I am curious about how much of a problem this is with her husband. Lots of times my husband and I didn't agree but one felt more strongly than the other so one would defer to the other. I don't think either of us got taken advantage of , it's just that if he felt more strongly about something than I did, I'd go along with him.